I shouted at my Mum today

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by SusanB, Mar 27, 2008.

  1. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Hi Rose of York

    You have my sympathy. There's a "shall we shan't we" dilemma with the POA. And bizarrely, (or even correctly when you think about it logically) the social services do have to accept the patient's wishes when it comes to care.

    Otherwise they have to invoke the Mental Health Act, which I understand is not a Good Thing at all.

    Our Mum is 83 and in poor health (she has VAD, as a result of atrial fibrilation so she is at risk from stroke). However, she really really really really thinks that she is capable of travelling to Italy, going on a cruise, getting on a train to travel to the Lake District, being Prime Minister. OK, I lied about that last bit.

    How old is your Mum, R O York?
     
  2. rose_of_york

    rose_of_york Registered User

    Mar 22, 2008
    94
    York
    Hello again Susan

    She was 87 the other week. She was diagnosed with dementia last July - it became noticeable after her husband died in the Februrary- I think they used to cover up each other's forgetfulness when there was two of them.

    She has certainly accentuated her negative points since then. She has always been selfish and never done anything she doesn't want to do - now she sometimes admits she is her own worst enemy as she refuses any help offered. This is being "independent" to her "bloody minded" to everybody else!

    I hate admitting that I find it so hard - it is difficult trying to help somebody who doesn't want the help and then is accusing me of stealing from her at the same time. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way about a dear little old lady........and so on....

    Barbara
     
  3. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Try not to feel guilty, Barbara (easier said than done, I know).

    You are doing your best. Just because she's your Mum, it doesn't mean that she's a nice person. There. I said it. Being accused of stealing from someone doesn't make people particularly lovable, does it? We've not had that yet, but I guess that's another thing to look forward to, once the paperwork thing has been and gone.

    S.
     
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Not at all ..... or at least not from me - one thing about mum's dementia is that is has resurfaced all the 'deficiencies' in our mother/child relationship over many years ...... (on my part as well as hers) ... sometimes it helps to be realistic ...... 'love and loyalty' apply on different levels ...... not all of us are mourning the loss of a wonderful relationship :(...... some of of us are still mourning the loss of never having had it in the first place ....... that we remain 'loyal' (and often loving) .... well something turned out OK?

    Take care (and be proud of yourself for the care you are showing!) , love Karen, x
     
  5. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Hi Susan,

    I don't think there's anyone on here who will judge you for what you said - just because she's your mum doesn't make you duty bound to like her or even love her.

    I think if anything speaks volumes it's the fact that you're still doing your best for her despite how you feel. I admire you very much for that.
     
  6. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    How kind you are, Karen

    Thanks for your words and support (and all the lovely posters on here). It helps to acknowledge the taboo subject (so it seems) of a lack of love/affection towards a parent.

    The posts here express beautifully the love felt for husbands/wives/dads/mums etc and they bring me to tears they are so beautifully written and expressed. I wish I felt like that about my Mum but I just don't. She's just not a very nice person and dementia is just making her even less nice.

    Anyway, happy weekend to everyone.
     
  7. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    And you, Kate P

    That's a lovely thing to say and I appreciate it.
     
  8. rose_of_york

    rose_of_york Registered User

    Mar 22, 2008
    94
    York
    Oh Susan you sound just like me, I empathise so much. I care about my mother, but I don't feel close to her at all. All the people on here who can remember close relationships with the people they are caring for,yet I've never really had that.

    Some people seem to think caring for an aged parent is a kind of "pay-back" for everything the parent sacrificed for them when they were young - mine sacrificed nothing, their wishes always came first. Three times I have been to university (first degree, teachers cert, masters) - never a penny in support I got. Our family home, which I loved, she sold to please her second husband - oh and I wasn't allowed Lego as a child, or to go to late dances as a teenager. And I'm now having another guilt trip for feeling this way.

    Like you I'm child free - I've ever changed a nappy in my life and I'm not going to start if it ever gets to the incontinence stage. She's just refused home care from social services yet again, so it is still only me doing any worrying. I have no support at home, I'm a widow living alone, and have to go to work full-time, so don't have a lot of free time.

    Right I'm off to do the visit with gritted teeth - I wonder if I'll get the accusations of theft today??

    Hope everybody on here is having as good a weekend as possible.

    Barbara
    xx
     
  9. harvey

    harvey Registered User

    Aug 10, 2007
    71
    Hello all

    You could be talking about my MIL. She has vascular dementia, has had at least two mini strokes, is very selfish with the odd generous streak. We lost my dear FIL last April [a true gentleman and loved dearly] then the living nightmare began!

    She has always craved and demanded attention and praise. Always has to be the centre of attention and is still domineering and nasty at times.

    My poor husband has to deal with her day to day and travels to see her several times a week. I work full time and go with him every weekend. This morning we spent all morning trailing round town to buy her a new handbag, she had given us instructions on exactly what she wanted and we eventually found one in the last shop! We were thrilled that it was acceptable, how sad is that! We then collected her and brought her home for lunch, she said it was very nice but she preferred bread with it as rolls take away the taste! She has always taken the pleasure out of any gesture with the same type of put down.

    We also have POA [not registered] and dither about whether we should, after the mini strokes we did think hard but decided to let things lie for now. She is capable of signing her own cheques but has to have them written out for her. She has no idea of finances as FIL always dealt with them and she is now incapable of understanding them.

    We have been through [and still are] the accusations and abuse the lack of comprehension regarding our lives. She is really good at making us feel guilty but refuses any outside help apart from carers who come in for 3 hours a week to clean. What would really please her is to have someone to boss about 24 hours a day. When we have carried out a particular request there are always plenty more for us to do.

    My husband has had to shout at her a couple of times when things have gone beyond the pale, then the guilt gets even more intense. I have managed to pull back and I try not to talk to her on the phone to try and keep some distance, she tends not to be so nasty when I am there. She rings several times a day and even if we are out she rings my husbands mobile, we are never off duty as we are unable to ignore her calls just in case she is ill again.

    She has alienated everyone with her accusations and nasty comments, friends and neighbours as well as relatives. This leaves just us two to deal with her. Sometimes it just gets too much. She has her health problems but despite the mini strokes she is as tough as old boots! She will also probably live to 100, I sometimes get so depressed that we do not have a life of our own anymore. We have not booked a holiday this year and it is like having a child again, we have to consider her needs and demands before our own. Oh woe is me!!!!! Then I feel selfish and mean.

    I think my message is that most of us on TP understand the frustrations that lead to the occasional telling off.

    Polly
     
  10. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Polly and Barbara, (and other respondees)

    Kindred spirits indeed. Maybe we could just put our respective Mums/MILs together in one room and just let them get on with it. What's to bet they outdo each other with how marvellous we all are?????!!!

    Seriously, though - wow. I thought I had it bad but you guys - sheeeeeeesh. Listen, Polly. Go on holidays with your hubby, please do. You deserve some "me time", don't you? Let go of the guilt monster, it wil not thank you for being constantly available.

    Crikey, can of worms opened here.
     
  11. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Crikey Barbara you've just stated my own childhood and teenage years with Dad (really my step Dad).

    I wondered why I seemed to have such excessive guilt about moving Dad into full time care and kept crying constantly, leaky eyes even when I didn't have anything to cry about. An old friend suggested that I had a lot of hidden issues to iron out and go for counselling, I've blanked out a lot my young years and she did point out that Dad although not physically abusive was very good at verbal and mental abuse with both me and my long suffering mother who used to use me as a shield. Part of living with an alcoholic I suppose, even though he was in the forces they protected their own and never addressed it.

    Shame really because we've been getting on pretty well for the last 10 years or so but Dad seems to be reverting back to those times, I've noticed over the last few months that he's starting to be quite aggressive with me while being nice as pie to everybody else, just like the old days. The carers at the home haven't seen it yet and I can tell that they're wondering what on earth I go on about sometimes when I find him a bit too much and vacate pretty rapidly. We had a bad day yesterday but when I took him back to the sitting area he was laughing and joking with everybody after nearly an hour of constantly griping and criticising me because I took him to his room to get a pair of better fitting trousers, he was sitting with his fly and button undone in front of all the ladies!

    I still feel myself reverting back to the childish 'I've got to please Dad' state that I've had to be in since I was 8 to deal with him, usually to the detriment of myself. But, he's an entertaining old devil and I suppose I've grown to love and respect him over the last decade or so and I certainly hate seeing what the AD is doing to him.

    AJay xxx
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,111
    Kent
    I hope I`m not going to offend anyone and apologize in advance if I do. What I am about to say is my opinion only, not Gospel, but I really do believe it may help so many get rid of the guilt.

    With apologies to all the wonderful parents I know are out there.

    Children do not ask to be born. It is a selfish act to have children. Children are born because their parents want them. Children are born because parents feel they have a right to them.
    I repeat.......children do not ask to be born.

    The parents who fail in their duty to give their children the love, security, safety, nurture and respect they are entitled to, always seem to be the parents who expect a return for their money. They feel their children owe them.

    I feel we owe our childen.
     
  13. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,442
    Hear hear Sylvia.
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #34 Margarita, Mar 30, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2008

    your friend could be right . I know from living with myself since mum had AZ , I could of never of had the courage to face all those childhood memory I had with my mother in how she treated me as a child.

    They I was thinking before mum got AZ & me an
    adult that I had forgotten , forgiven her about it.

    Some of us have been parents & got it wrong with how we brought up our kids, I only learn that when I had my own kids & in they eyes I did not bring them up the way they would of like .

    so I never wanted to be a person that would hold my upbring up against my mother in how she brought me up .



    That reads just like my story , as my mother was reverting back to those times, but physiology I was not , even thought I can tell you physiology at time it did . my mother use to have moments of anger, which felt like she was belittleing me like she use to when I was a child . but thinking about it with a logic mind she can't really . she could but only physiology, if I let it .


    we all got a child within us , that sometime in some point in our life come out , just needs a hug from ourselves .

    Same with my mother , she keep it hidden for a good 2 years , but then someone can only hide so much before every one notices it :D as they have found out at day centre :)
     
  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    [QUOTE = GrannieG]They feel their children owe them.[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, between the pair of you, you have about summed it up for me. I am still the 'compliant' child, with a dash of desperate people pleaser and a huge dose of anger thrown into that mix ....... all things I thought I had 'worked through' - but amazing how mum's dementia has resurfaced so many childhood wounds and ripped the scabs off .....:

    I am reminded of that phrase: "Those who love 'in spite of' and not 'because' of ....". Never can decide which is hardest .... and most of the time don't bother to ponder it .... just plough on ...... :( ... but sometimes, when you recognise 'kindred spirits' .... well, it helps ......

    Love, Karen, x
     
  16. feebee

    feebee Registered User

    Mar 17, 2007
    7
    It's so frustrating isn't it

    I like reading the threads on this forum because they make so much sense to me and I know I am not alone

    The things mum comes out with at times! She's "got all her faculties" is one :rolleyes:

    One day last week she got tired and muddled. She called me and my sister "a couple of bitches"! She was "disgusted" at how we were treating her. Anyway the next day it was all how grateful she was to us for helping her. It's quite bizarre

    She will insist she is ok and she can't understand why she is now in a home :(

    We have some issues from the past with her and it's frustrating to try and make her last days happy but she remains depressed and negative about everything
     
  17. kacee

    kacee Registered User

    Mar 29, 2008
    8
    My mum was a very strong opinionated lady. She was smart and talented. I am not.
    I always remember failing . Never being good enough. Being a disappointment. Or looking a mess.
    i know her childhood was difficult and she is a perfectionist.

    As awful as the last 10yrs have been. I feel no anger or resentment. Idid. its gone. I just love her and would have her critical comments back in a mo.

    I have to say my mum was not abusive, just overbearing. My sin was being over sensitive, curse of being an only child:eek:
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,111
    Kent
    Oh Kacee, I know I shouldn`t criticise your mother, but if she was so smart and talented she should have done everyhing in her power to help you be the same.

    And if her childhood had been difficult she should have broken her back not to let history repeat itself.

    I do know what I`m talking about. I too had a smart and talented mother but grew up aplogizing for breathing.

    I made sure history didn`t repeat itself yet again with my `only child` son.
     
  19. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    No what you mean :)


    I count myself lucky that not all those moments are gone as I still find myself slipping back into having a childish argument me her, before I assert myself. because in the next moment she gone if you understand what I mean .

    I don't feel guilty afterward , because I recognize in myself . I'll always be my mother daughter, even if the roles have been revised So I just need a break away from it all , then when I get back I feel so much better :) ( Am just sharing how I cope )
     
  20. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london


    You should count yourself lucky Sylvia , because not all Mother have that insight , into not letting history repeat itself

    I say that with all due respect
     

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