I have been looking after my mum who has alzhiemers for the last 6 years sadly my younger and only brother died of covid 3 and a half years ago and mum started to decline more then. Mum is still at home and happy there but I am finding it so difficult looking after her I just feel exhausted , I visit 3 times a day to give her meds and give her food as she is not safe to use oven etc do cleaning garden etc, mum loves going out so I take her out 3 or 4 times a week. She is slowly getting worse in no longer putting clean clothes on unless I tell her to. I have just got a cleaner and have carers on Friday and Saturday to give me a break. I am 69 and this is awful to say but I want time to spend with my husband , I feel trapped, please help any advice would be greatly appreciated
I don't know what to do
- Thread starter Jixjax
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- alzheimer's disease
I think you should have carers in every day , at least to do the washing and dressing and the meds. Would you want your child to give up her life and marriage to look after you . Of course not. Time to step back and let the professionals take some of the load
Ask social services for a care needs assessment for mum and and carer’s assessment for you - make sure you are there for mum’s assessment, or speak to the assessor privately in case mum tells them that she is completely independent. Describe what she is like on her worst day. An outsider can look at all the facts without the tiredness and emotion that a family member or friend may have, and can give an objective recommendation of what your mum needs - and just as important, to see what YOU need. You won’t be able to continue looking after her if you are ill/exhausted, so if you can get some extra support in place now to lighten the load then you will be able to look after her, and yourself, and your husband with a fresher outlook and more energy. It’s all about balance, we all need it! Good luck x
Please get a care assessment and a carers assessment. I have spent the last 5 nights at my parents and quite alot of the day when I haven't been working. Dad is 82 and has dementia and mum is 87 and struggling with him. I feel guilty being at my home tonight but I needed to do it. Haven't gone to bed yet as I expect the phone to ring! But we had a care assessment yesterday and they are going to put in place a morning and evening care visit. Still finding how it all works quite confusing but at least I feel someone is looking at what can be done and mu will get a carers assessment about 10days.
It's time to delegate as much as you can to professional carers. It's unsustainable for you to visit three times a day and it's not right that you have no life of your own. Your mother needs carers every day, probably twice a day, to get her washed and dressed, give her her medication and her meals and do the washing. A cleaner is a good idea. Even that will leave you with quite a lot to do e.g. shopping, managing your mother's finances, life and health admin, taking her to appointments and sorting out problems in the house.
You have been and are a very devoted daughter but it's time to get much more help in. There's far too much for one person to do.
You have been and are a very devoted daughter but it's time to get much more help in. There's far too much for one person to do.
Thank you so much for your advice and kind words
Thank you for your reply I think your kindness has helped me see I need to take at least a small step back
Thank you for your reply it really is so hard I hope you get more help and I will call and find out about a care assessment today
Hi @Jixjax
Not much to add to the sound advice you've already been given.
However, my Local Authority Adult Social Services produces a booklet each year called "Your Guide to Independent Living, Support and Care Services", for those who might need it. It has lots of info in it about services and groups and charities available including care providing companies, and usual tele numbers, etc. It might be a good idea to do some research about these care providers to see what companies provide what care and at what cost.
If your dad has dementia, then it's his assets etc that are considered. If he has in his name, excluding the house lived in by your dad and mum, assets in excess of £23,250 then he would be a "self funder" and have to pay for the care needed. If necessary, because of the circumstances, you need to have a good chat with your mu about your mum's and dad's finances, income, outgoings, savings, etc
If he hasn't already granted a LPoA to your mum and you (preferably jointly and severally - so you can act on your own should something happen to your mum), and he still has some mental capacity, then arrange on for Finance & Property *and for your mum too) as soon as poss. You can find out all about this online, if you need to. Are their Wills up to date?
As your mum is in fact the main carer for your dad because she is there all the time it may be that you should be making the enquiries on your mum's behalf.
Best wishes
Not much to add to the sound advice you've already been given.
However, my Local Authority Adult Social Services produces a booklet each year called "Your Guide to Independent Living, Support and Care Services", for those who might need it. It has lots of info in it about services and groups and charities available including care providing companies, and usual tele numbers, etc. It might be a good idea to do some research about these care providers to see what companies provide what care and at what cost.
If your dad has dementia, then it's his assets etc that are considered. If he has in his name, excluding the house lived in by your dad and mum, assets in excess of £23,250 then he would be a "self funder" and have to pay for the care needed. If necessary, because of the circumstances, you need to have a good chat with your mu about your mum's and dad's finances, income, outgoings, savings, etc
If he hasn't already granted a LPoA to your mum and you (preferably jointly and severally - so you can act on your own should something happen to your mum), and he still has some mental capacity, then arrange on for Finance & Property *and for your mum too) as soon as poss. You can find out all about this online, if you need to. Are their Wills up to date?
As your mum is in fact the main carer for your dad because she is there all the time it may be that you should be making the enquiries on your mum's behalf.
Best wishes
