I can’t say or do anything right.

[hillyjay]

I so identify with you!
My other half NEVER swore when our children were young and rarely if ever used really bad language ever. Now he uses bad language all the time. It is SO hard to not take it personally when I'm told how effing stupid I am. He questions EVERYTHING I do. I get told what to do, how to do it and when to do it. Whilst driving he sounds just like Hyacinth Bouquet = mind that gate. there are cows in that field, there are trees hanging over the road! I do have an outsize sense of humour but on a bad day it is unbearable.

On the other hand HE will not be told or advised about ANYTHING. Today he scraped the car with his mobility scooter because he would not wait for me to move other obstacles or be advised that the gap was not wide enough.

Stay strong - sharing the hard times helps. we all have so much experience to share.

Best wishes.

Yes, questioning everything, and taking the hump if he feels it’s an implied criticism, i get told what to do and even get grabbed by the wrist and hauled across the road when we’re out when HE judges it safe to cross😳 My knee and hip can be a bit iffy and I can’t hurry like I used to especially if I needed to suddenly make a dash for it. I know I couldn’t. . But he won’t listen, tells me to get a move on, hurry up while I wail that I can’t hurry any more than this. God knows what any passer by must think.

Thank god we no longer have a car. He used to drive and whilst I did have a licence, I was always extremely nervous about driving and I’ve now let it lapse. In any case, if I drove him around it’d be exactly the same situation as you have. I suppose it was your fault in some way when he scraped the car? ! It’s so good to share and find we aren’t alone.

 

[hillyjay]

HI. I have only just found this forum. My husband has only recently been diagnosed with alzheimers and is already having mood swings and everything is MY fault. I'm finding this quite hard to deal with and don't always know how to handle it. It is comforting to see that others are going through the same thing and that's it’s not actually my fault. X

My OH was diagnosed at an extremely early stage around 10 years ago. At the beginning just before and until his meds seemed to take effect he was like your husband, mood swings, blaming me. Anger. That was one of the reasons I knew something was wrong because he just wasn’t that sort of person, never swore, easy going etc.
After a while of being on meds he did seem to get better, less angry, fewer mood swings. But what you’re experiencing at the moment is hard to take and I found that often the only way to handle it was to turn tail and walk away. Arguing was pointless. I’d make an excuse about why I had to go at that moment, the washing needed to be got in or such like, but it really hurt. I wasn’t always successful either in hiding my feelings!

It still does hurt to be honest because after all this time I think the meds are no longer having much effect but remember, it’s NOT your fault and sometimes it‘s impossible, (in my case anyway, she says guiltily😊) to not argue or get cross.

Keep posting 🤗🤗

 

[hillyjay]

Every rant I read makes me feel less alone and reassures me that these feelings are normal and valid. Thank you for rant sharing. 🙂

If you ever need to read a rant, I can supply them in plenty 😁

 

[Shirleyblue]

If you ever need to read a rant, I can supply them in plenty 😁

🤣👍

 

[hillyjay]

I didn’t think I’d be supplying another rant so soon but….

This morning I found I just didn’t want to get up. I couldn’t bear the thought of facing another day. I often feel like that but this time it was worse. Wouldn’t have taken much to start the tears rolling and that was while I was lying in bed. I came down and found OH had gone out. Presumably for a walk but I didn’t even care enough to do any checks.

i suppose a lot of people reading this will be thinking I should be so lucky, the PWD could take himself out for a walk.

The thing is we’ve had a particularly bad time recently and I’m guilty too of moaning at him, I know that. Pile of washing helpfully taken off the line and neatly folded and left on my bed. Still damp in places. As he often does. I’d been round the corner to visit son no 1. Got back and there were some parcels delivered in the porch so I took got my keys out, opened the inner door, picked up my stuff I’d brought back from son’s, changed shoes and had to leave keys in the inside door still as I didn’t have a free hand, till I could come back and get the parcels and keys.

OH in the meantime had helpfully taken the parcels in for me. Good. Then I looked for my keys (which always stay in my room!). Not in the door. Not in any pockets of the clothes I’d been wearing. Nowhere. I went up and down stairs checking and re checking. Doubting myself. Back was killing me by this time. Eventually I found them on a little shelf behind the TV where he keeps his keys and specs. I was told well I must have put them there and forgotten. He certainly wouldn’t touch my keys or put them there. He thinks I’m the one who should be taking tablets, not him. Etc etc.

Various other ‘little’ things happened throughout the day including me wanting to get the dinner on so we wouldn’t be eating too late while he insisted I first join him for a glass of wine and some cheese and biscuits -which we often have around lunchtime. I agreed but said I wanted to put the dinner on to heat first so it could cook while we had the wine etc. Ended with him yelling at me to SIT DOWN NOW!. You can cook dinner later, he said. Sit DOWN!!

Words ensued and it culminated in him stamping off upstairs shouting at me that I was a big, fat C*** . I detest that word and it’s one he would never use. Or wouldn’t have in the past. I still feel so upset and unhappy, I can still hear those words reverberating in my head.

Not expecting any advice or anything, there’s nothing anyone can do, but some people - if they manage to read all this -might just ‘get’ it.

 

[Kevinl]

Just having a little cry for you. K

 

[Knitandpurl]

I didn’t think I’d be supplying another rant so soon but….

This morning I found I just didn’t want to get up. I couldn’t bear the thought of facing another day. I often feel like that but this time it was worse. Wouldn’t have taken much to start the tears rolling and that was while I was lying in bed. I came down and found OH had gone out. Presumably for a walk but I didn’t even care enough to do any checks.

i suppose a lot of people reading this will be thinking I should be so lucky, the PWD could take himself out for a walk.

The thing is we’ve had a particularly bad time recently and I’m guilty too of moaning at him, I know that. Pile of washing helpfully taken off the line and neatly folded and left on my bed. Still damp in places. As he often does. I’d been round the corner to visit son no 1. Got back and there were some parcels delivered in the porch so I took got my keys out, opened the inner door, picked up my stuff I’d brought back from son’s, changed shoes and had to leave keys in the inside door still as I didn’t have a free hand, till I could come back and get the parcels and keys.

OH in the meantime had helpfully taken the parcels in for me. Good. Then I looked for my keys (which always stay in my room!). Not in the door. Not in any pockets of the clothes I’d been wearing. Nowhere. I went up and down stairs checking and re checking. Doubting myself. Back was killing me by this time. Eventually I found them on a little shelf behind the TV where he keeps his keys and specs. I was told well I must have put them there and forgotten. He certainly wouldn’t touch my keys or put them there. He thinks I’m the one who should be taking tablets, not him. Etc etc.

Various other ‘little’ things happened throughout the day including me wanting to get the dinner on so we wouldn’t be eating too late while he insisted I first join him for a glass of wine and some cheese and biscuits -which we often have around lunchtime. I agreed but said I wanted to put the dinner on to heat first so it could cook while we had the wine etc. Ended with him yelling at me to SIT DOWN NOW!. You can cook dinner later, he said. Sit DOWN!!

Words ensued and it culminated in him stamping off upstairs shouting at me that I was a big, fat C*** . I detest that word and it’s one he would never use. Or wouldn’t have in the past. I still feel so upset and unhappy, I can still hear those words reverberating in my head.

Not expecting any advice or anything, there’s nothing anyone can do, but some people - if they manage to read all this -might just ‘get’ it.

I get it, my OH never swore, but now when he loses it (usually when I answer back) his language is pretty bad. But he always denies it afterwards. Doesn’t happen so often now thank goodness, as his dementia has got worse he has mellowed somewhat but mainly it’s me that’s changed…..Sending you many virtual hugs, when it happens to me it upsets me for days.

 

[David the Tyke]

As a new member I sympathise with the sort of hassle you experience, My biggest concern though is even establishing whether it is the OH or me!. I THINK she is experiencing early (ish) stages of a problem but woe betide me to try to say something is not right. I would like to get an appointment with the GP (happy to include a check on myself) but everything seems to revolve around the patient starting things off. As it is all faults are mine (OK not perfect but surely not EVERYTHING is my misdemeanour). I can't move without accounting for myself and the house is always too cold even if the temperature is 23 deg and visitors comment on the heat and I practically faint with the temperature. How then do I get someone dispassionate involved? Preferably without being abused?

 

[Shirleyblue]

I didn’t think I’d be supplying another rant so soon but….

This morning I found I just didn’t want to get up. I couldn’t bear the thought of facing another day. I often feel like that but this time it was worse. Wouldn’t have taken much to start the tears rolling and that was while I was lying in bed. I came down and found OH had gone out. Presumably for a walk but I didn’t even care enough to do any checks.

i suppose a lot of people reading this will be thinking I should be so lucky, the PWD could take himself out for a walk.

The thing is we’ve had a particularly bad time recently and I’m guilty too of moaning at him, I know that. Pile of washing helpfully taken off the line and neatly folded and left on my bed. Still damp in places. As he often does. I’d been round the corner to visit son no 1. Got back and there were some parcels delivered in the porch so I took got my keys out, opened the inner door, picked up my stuff I’d brought back from son’s, changed shoes and had to leave keys in the inside door still as I didn’t have a free hand, till I could come back and get the parcels and keys.

OH in the meantime had helpfully taken the parcels in for me. Good. Then I looked for my keys (which always stay in my room!). Not in the door. Not in any pockets of the clothes I’d been wearing. Nowhere. I went up and down stairs checking and re checking. Doubting myself. Back was killing me by this time. Eventually I found them on a little shelf behind the TV where he keeps his keys and specs. I was told well I must have put them there and forgotten. He certainly wouldn’t touch my keys or put them there. He thinks I’m the one who should be taking tablets, not him. Etc etc.

Various other ‘little’ things happened throughout the day including me wanting to get the dinner on so we wouldn’t be eating too late while he insisted I first join him for a glass of wine and some cheese and biscuits -which we often have around lunchtime. I agreed but said I wanted to put the dinner on to heat first so it could cook while we had the wine etc. Ended with him yelling at me to SIT DOWN NOW!. You can cook dinner later, he said. Sit DOWN!!

Words ensued and it culminated in him stamping off upstairs shouting at me that I was a big, fat C*** . I detest that word and it’s one he would never use. Or wouldn’t have in the past. I still feel so upset and unhappy, I can still hear those words reverberating in my head.

Not expecting any advice or anything, there’s nothing anyone can do, but some people - if they manage to read all this -might just ‘get’ it.

As I’m reading I’m feeling the anxiety. Isn’t this emotional abuse that you’re suffering from? This is one of my scares when he puts something somewhere and I have to panic hunt for them.

 

[Fugs]

As a new member I sympathise with the sort of hassle you experience, My biggest concern though is even establishing whether it is the OH or me!. I THINK she is experiencing early (ish) stages of a problem but woe betide me to try to say something is not right. I would like to get an appointment with the GP (happy to include a check on myself) but everything seems to revolve around the patient starting things off. As it is all faults are mine (OK not perfect but surely not EVERYTHING is my misdemeanour). I can't move without accounting for myself and the house is always too cold even if the temperature is 23 deg and visitors comment on the heat and I practically faint with the temperature. How then do I get someone dispassionate involved? Preferably without being abused?

Hi @David the Tyke , it may depend on how amenable your GP is. If you explain the situation to them would they be prepared to call her in for a Well Woman check up? Not your fault then. 😇

 

[hillyjay]

Thank you @Kevinl and @Knitandpurl. It’s comforting to know that it’s not only me who feels upset for days after an outburst with bad language from OH, maybe we could cope better if they had always been like this but when they weren’t, it’s so alien to us and really hits us hard.

@Shirleyblue, I didn’t realise my anxiety and stress was coming over like that though my post. Yes, it IS some form of abuse as someone else said, I think @JaxG. I feel that same panic when something I need now has gone missing from where it usually lives and he assures me he knows nothing about it and it must be me who’s put it there.

 

[hillyjay]

@David the Tyke , I agree with what @Fugs says about trying to get her in for a well woman check. When i first had concerns about my OH I spoke to the lovely GP I had at the time who arranged for both of us to go in for ‘wellness checks’. I sat in part of the time when OH went in and despite the gp’s best efforts he said all was ok. Eventually I steeled myself to say that, ‘well, you do say you forget things sometimes …’ and GP immediately took it from there.

if you can manage to get her there for ‘a wellness check’ perhaps you could lead in by mentioning how she seems to need the heating up higher than she used to and that you seem to irritate her much more than you usually do! If the gp is any good and had been primed beforehand you might be successful.
Bear in mind though that an intelligent, articulate person is much more able to come over as not having any issues. In my husbands case it was noted when he finally was sent for tests that the result was, at the time, minor cognitive impairment- MCI. His test result were pretty good but as it was noted, in view of his intellectual ability they would have expected less hesitation over some answers etc.

One last thing, it very likely isn’t always YOU! A person with dementia, even at a very early stage, leaves you doubting yourself and wondering is it them or maybe it was ME. That’s very common!

 

[christielola]

Yes, questioning everything, and taking the hump if he feels it’s an implied criticism, i get told what to do and even get grabbed by the wrist and hauled across the road when we’re out when HE judges it safe to cross😳 My knee and hip can be a bit iffy and I can’t hurry like I used to especially if I needed to suddenly make a dash for it. I know I couldn’t. . But he won’t listen, tells me to get a move on, hurry up while I wail that I can’t hurry any more than this. God knows what any passer by must think.

Thank god we no longer have a car. He used to drive and whilst I did have a licence, I was always extremely nervous about driving and I’ve now let it lapse. In any case, if I drove him around it’d be exactly the same situation as you have. I suppose it was your fault in some way when he scraped the car? ! It’s so good to share and find we aren’t alone.

Thanks for your input. Hopefully the meds will begin to calm him soon. and hopefully I can grow a thicker skin!

 

[christielola]

HI. I have only just found this forum. My husband has only recently been diagnosed with alzheimers and is already having mood swings and everything is MY fault. I'm finding this quite hard to deal with and don't always know how to handle it. It is comforting to see that others are going through the same thing and that's its not actually my fault. X

 

[HLA]

Hi there, it is infuriating, I feel your frustration. Personally I finf the contented dementia approach to help, and also teepa snow's resources are brilliant full of real life examples. And also Demntia by Day website/podcasts. You can google both. Lots of free stuff.

As a stranger looking in, it seems like it is time to get some help, so you can have time off/out.
I cared for my mother until she went into residential setting, and it was really almost impossible to find people she would get on with and not shout at. And I turned into someone I didn't like either, frustrated, arguing, turning her away from my door.... because I couldn't cope, much as I love and care.
But when I found someone mum liked, it made a huge difference. Trial and a ton of error. She came ostensibly to help in the garden. Mum refused all 'carers' to help around the house.

Keep going and I hope you can treasure the good times as little 'pearls' on a string, and let the bad moments fade.

HX

 

[Grable]

Wow! And I thought it was just me! I see couples, one of whom has dementia, and they seem happy, telling people that it's time to talk about it, etc. Great. But my OH 'doesn't have Alzheimer's' and the only reason he has been accused of it is because I've been making up stories for the doctor. He's still a loving partner much of the time, but then I say something and the worm turns.
It's my birthday tomorrow and we're going to London for a couple of days. This evening we were packing. OH decided that we would share a suitcase, as we're only going for a couple of nights. He chose his thickest, fleecy shirts and packed all his stuff, then put the case by the door. None of my things were in the case - I ended up having to get the lightest of clothes so that they would fit in. My washbag, tablet and book will have to go in a separate bag because he didn't leave space for them in the case.
On top of everything else, it's gone 10:00pm and I've just realised I've left my phone at work. Aaaargh!!!!!

 

[Kevinl]

Well happy birthday for tomorrow from me at least Grable, I hope you have a lovely day, both of you, you deserve it.
No phone and scantily clad walking around on London, what could go wrong, please enjoy but carefully, don't worry I'm a 180 miles away so no danger there, enjoy. K

 

[hillyjay]

Happy birthday from me too @Grable! The case full of fleecy, thick clothes and no space for your stuff, well, it’s the usual lack of thought for the other person that a lot of us are trying to get used to.
Never mind, have a great time in London and if it’s cold you know where to find lots of warm fleecy stuff😀

Thanks for your comment @Kevinl, gave me and I hope @Grable a laugh😁

 

[strugglingstar]

Thank you for ranting. I thought I was so alone in the struggle. Its been a tough few days.

 

[Kevinl]

Never alone on here. K