I am at breakdown today

[Helen33]

Today is the scariest day I have had since Alan was diagnosed. It is the first day of my holiday from work. The sitter cancelled because she has a cold and they can't provide anyone tomorrow. Fine I thought, I'll do some cleaning and Alan and I will have a wonderful day together. THAT IS AS FAR AS IT GOT. It became a nightmare. Alan couldn't follow the simplest instruction and I could see the day turning into a disaster. I tried to get him to wipe down the sunroom but he couldn't and so I ended up doing it myself as well as trying to clean upstairs, do the breakfast dishes, answer the phone, cook lunch etc. etc. In the end I ended up throwing Alan's coat out of the front door and pushing him out too I was crying and worrying about myself thinking "I am actually having a breakdown". I had my mind going at the same time as yelling at Alan or pushing him out of the front door and it was really like being quite mad

I had no idea just how frightening this can get. Fortunately a friend phoned and I was able to hear some normality and it helped a while. I have now put Alan on the bed out of my way and I just need to get through today and start afresh tomorrow. First thing in the new year I will get a cleaner and a gardener.

 

[Norrms]

Hiya

Hiya Helen, deep breaths now my friend, sorry to hear your having a hard time of it today and hope it gets better tommorrow, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Vonny]

Dear Helen, the trouble with holding it together for so long is that sometimes it can all spill over and you end up as you did today, thinking you are going mad. We're a bit like fizzy bottles (preferably champagne!) and you just got shaken too much today

The cleaner and gardener is a fab idea. I had a cleaner until I moved and the mortgage repayments went up now it is a constant battle trying to work and keep the house clean quite apart from having to care on top of that as you have to do.

I hope you are feeling calmer now.

Love n hugs

Vonny xx

 

[amy2512]

It sounds like you've had a really tough day Helen and you have my sympathies. As someone else says we try so hard and for so long to be 'fine' and calm about everything sometimes all it takes is for the littlest of things to completely push us over the edge and everything comes spilling out, all the emotions, frustrations and anger.

Don't beat yourself up about it, it happens to all of us sometimes I'm sure. A cleaner and a gardener are a great idea as anything, no matter how small to take the burden off you and be one less thing to have to do and worry about is a great thing. We're only human and there's only so much that one person can be responsible for.

I hope you feel better soon xx

 

[nellbelles]

Hi Helen

This is a holiday, no clients, so no cleaning

Wrap up warm and take a coffee down the garden shed, 10 minutes of silence is balm to the soul.

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Dear Helen, I am sorry you feel low today but knowing you it will soon clear and as you quite rightly say tomorrow is another day.
A small suggestion, could you try and not expect anything from Alan, that way you will not be disappointed or frustrated. My husband of course cannot do anything at all now, but I know how I felt after his firt stroke. I kept on expecting him to do lots of things for me whilst I was at work and half of it was never done, much to my frustration. The doctor suggested the above, and I gave it a try. After that everything that was done was a bonus, if not I knew I had to take care of it myself one way or the other. The gardener and cleaner is an excellent idea as long as it still makes it worth your while working. I realised when I gave up work and cancelled a lot of help how much money I was actually saving. Please don't take this the wrong way, it is just a thought.
Wishing you a good day tomorrow, try not to worry too much about the housework, it will still be there the next day and you will soon catch up.

 

[zoet]

Oh NO Helen, you poor thing, I know EXACTLY how that feels. Sadly there are days like this and even more sadly it probably means dont get your hopes up too much for fantastic days together. Expect some problems and then you will be nicely suprised! You are not going mad- its just a bad day; could have been caused by anything. You've coped and you will start again tomorrow and it will be different. You sound like you need a rest. I used to get into that sort of state for a while until i learned some coping strategies. One was, learn to walk away. Simply walk away into another room/the garden/the loo, anywhere where Alan cannot find you for a few minutes. Then, as Norms says, take nice deep breaths, distract yourself for a minute, think about something nice (I have a fag but i dont recommend you take up smoking!) and then just try to ignore him for a little while and let him get on with whatever he wants to do. It wont take very long to feel a little calmer. Unfortuantely, he will be picking up on your frustration and it will make him worse. Dont fight the situation- if he cant help then give him something else to do- you will get the jobs done quicker that way. I bet he was just tired or a bit off colour- we all have days like that dont we? But for a demntia sufferer an off day exaserbates symptoms. I do hope you have a good nights sleep, and a lovely new day tomorrow. (((HUGS)))xxxx

 

[Feezee]

Dear Helen
I'm sorry you got so frustrated. Nowhere near the same level of intensity that you must be experiencing but I used to arrive at my dad's house with a list of paperwork and cleaning to do but he would follow me around the place asking me to help with this, that or the other every 2 minutes - of course hindering rather than helping.

Inevitably I would get frustrated, end up tearing up the list mentally, make a cup of tea and just sit down with him instead. The house remained pretty dirty but I always managed to clean the loo and the kitchen sink (health hazards ;-) and the rest just got left.
The others have given you great advice. You deserve to put your feet up and try to put fewer things on your list ;-)

Feezee

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Helen

I think this is a warning to many of us.

Alan is physically fit, able to help with the garden, cut bread for the birds and his biggest problem has been his loss of language. But he obviously has lost his organizational skills and it can creep up on you without you noticing until something happens like today.

The biggest change to my life has not only been having sitters with Dhiren but that the sitters do my housework. This keeps everything in check and takes a lot of ressure off me.

It really is a bone of contention that agencies which claim to `care for carers` are not flexible enough to be prepared to see what carers really do need, which is help with housework.

I`m so pleased you have decided to get a cleaner and a gardener Helen and so sorry you have had such a rotten day.

 

[TinaT]

Chin up Helen, Bless you it is a hard place to be and I'm thinking of you.

xxTinaT

 

[shelagh]

Dear Herlen, You have worked so hard to keep Alan engaged, so it must be hard for you on a day like today when you must feel, albeiit briefly that you are losing the battle. Be good to yourself as you are good to others.
Shelagh

 

[gigi]

Hello Helen..

It takes some courage to post as you have today, but I'm pleased that you felt able to tell us how things were.

Eric has sitters for 3 days in a week...we have no sitters Friday through to Monday..

I always heave a sigh of relief on a Friday thinking to myself..ah..just me and Eric today..lovely.

But it isn't,in reality. It just means that I'm there instead of the sitter. And if I want peace and harmony I have to enter his world and neglect my own..there used to be a compromise..there no longer is.

It's Eric's world, or mine. Full stop.

But it's my choice how I spend these days without sitters and generally they are hard work..even though in my mind I think they will be lovely and relaxing ...they rarely are.

Perhaps this is the realisation that has just hit you.

Alan can still do things that Eric lost long ago...he is still physically very able.

But..I think I posted this somewhere else a while ago...Eric's reality is no longer my reality.

Similarly..Alan's reality is no longer yours.

Ease up on yourself, Helen.

Love xx

 

[Helen33]

It takes some courage to post as you have today, but I'm pleased that you felt able to tell us how things were.

I nearly didn't because I didn't want to put new carers off Then I thought about those being cared for but in the end it's a true part of my experience and I was terrified by it today

This is where Talking Point comes into it's own. I'm sure belonging to TP helps stave off carer breakdown.

I need a break

Thank you everyone for your kindness and for not telling me that I'm a rotten c-w

Love

 

[BeckyJan]

Dear Helen:
I just want to give you a sisterly hug (neary said motherly but that made me feel old ).

Long ago I thought you were very lucky to have such a fit man - until I realised ALL the problems you have. I guess you have realised you are 'in' another stage!! The advice to expect nothing is good, hopefully there will be moments when Alan can be 'useful'; good for him and special for you.

We are entitled to those 'hit the roof' moments. With all the problems we would be inhuman not to have them. Forgive yourself and, as my daughter would say, KBO!!

I do hope you are 'OK' now!! Love Jan

 

[Helen33]

Hi Jan,

The advice to expect nothing is good,

No I'm afraid I haven't got there yet. I want to expect things of Alan. I want him to have the best life possible and it is so lovely to see him feeling good about himself. It's me that was wrong today. I expected it to be like an equal relationship (alright with me directing and demonstrating how to do things) but I should never have expected this And then to complain bitterly - it just went from bad to worse but it was me that was doing it. I am so ashamed and frightened that my good sense went out of the window and I became at breakdown point - like a mad woman

I know Alan can achieve many things but with loving care and only with 100% positive attention. It will never be an equal relationship again. I hope I will never expect him to do things again unless I can offer him the kind of attention that he requires.

Oh Jan the sisterly or motherly hug would be wonderful and I'm wondering what KBO means??

Love

 

[bigtom]

Hello Helen, so sorry you have had such a stressful day been stressful with sylvia today the day center rang this morning to say they where shut today. because of the snow quite bad up north.as monday is tesco day i had to take syl shopping with me usually a 1 hour job on my own took 2 hours with syl with me.tried to get her to push the trolly not a good idea when i got home i had 15 mins with a cuppa. worked a treat syl as gone done so much in the last month, as become very aggresive, and still not eating very much consultant coming to visit syl tomorrow hope she can help to sort things out please take care of yourself, and give alan a hug IT" THE ILLNESS regards to you and alan

 

[TinaT]

Helen,

You are being hard on yourself. Yes, today you started off with expectations which could not be met. It's because you love him and want to share things with him, nothing more or less than that.

Where would we be if we didn't cling onto the hope that, even if for only a short time, we can be companions again and share the small things of life together. After all this time, I still think that Ken will one day be himself again. The heart wrenching thing for me is that the love is there in abundance between us both but the shared life is not.

xxTinaT

 

[Helen33]

Thanks Tom. It sounds like it has been one of those days for a few of us today I hope you get some help from the consultant tomorrow. Will you let us know how it goes?

Love

 

[lesmisralbles]

I PM you X

Take care Barb XX

 

[DeborahBlythe]

KBO is a Churchillian expression I think, Helen. Keep B.gg....g On. The more genteel version is Keep Calm and Carry On.
I hope you are feeling a bit better . . I'm so sorry your day went pear shaped so quickly. Poor you. x