I am at breakdown today

[Pescita]

Hello Helen

Just visited TP for a quick look before bed with no intention of posting, but I felt I just had to send you a big hug after your fraught day. You share your good times with us & are brave enough to share the bad too - thank you for that.

It sounds like you just felt really out of control today - unable to control Alan's illness, unable to control your own emotions, unable to achieve what you thought you could & would achieve. That is a scary place to be, but you are not alone (even though Alan cannot be with you in your scary place anymore).

Also reading Tina's post really made me think about how it must be for those of you who have a partner suffering from dementia. I found it very moving, as someone who has only experienced it as a child of an elderly parent with dementia.

 

[Izzy]

Thanks Izzy It's good to know that it helps to import even more help Has your mum's pain subsided any?

Love x

Thanks for asking, Helen, especially in the middle of your own troubles. She got home yesterday. Pain seems a bit better. I think I will blog so I can ramble and not pinch your thread! Hope today is better for you. Izzy x

 

[Helen33]

Today is Another Day

I can't thank you all enough. Your responses were another reminder of just how vital Talking Point is in helping both the carer and the cared for. By helping me, you help Alan

I have learnt a big lesson and today it is fresh in my mind. I realise I have to concentrate on Alan because he has to have the assistance in order to live any kind of decent life and I should not expect him to be able to assist me in the ways that I need. It's ok. It could be worse. Yesterday was a big mistake but it had to be experienced or it would have just been waiting in the wings somewhere. When I got up at 3am'ish the bathroom was flooded with urine because I had forgotten to close the bathroom doors and Alan headed there rather than turn left to the toilet. I just shrugged it off and went and got the mop and bucket. I'm back on track thanks to you all.

Love

 

[Norrms]

Your welcome

You are very welcome my friend, and may you and Alan also have a good day as well, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[BeckyJan]

I'm back on track thanks to you all.

I never doubted that you would get 'back on track'. I hope you can take things a little easy (not too much housework). Its snowing heavily here again so I am wondering if I can collect my turkey this afternoon!!

Take care Jan

PS and KBO (keep bu.. ring on).

 

[shelagh]

Dear dear Helen, Don't ever be ashamed of being at breaking point. Your love for Alan pours out of your posts as does your relentless pursuit of what is best for him.
With love
Shelagh

 

[lastday]

thanks again

so sorry you are having a bad time,but the way you share the good times and the bad,makes me realise how my situation is normal for all of us,somedays i feel so useless.but on bad days i know i have been given the most important and hardest job in the world,and i know inside i am doing a very good job,the best anybody can do,just as you are.take care.

 

[Margarita]

I am so ashamed and frightened that my good sense went out of the window and I became at breakdown point - like a mad woman

As long as in the future you can stop yourself control your frustration , anger before it hits a high level of negative energy , you won have to perceive yourself as a mad woman, having a breakdown . I could always control my frustration, anger before it got to that energy level of negative energy towards mum . You got to let it go or other wise it can became all consuming in you . Doing you know good mentally physical.

I would walk out the house or into the garden even if mum would follow me, my kids would come out of there rooms, asking what wrong? so take over for a while . You had no one in that moment in your house, so like other have said don’t be so hard on yourself .

Just cognitively recognise that in the future, People will let you down in Turing up to look after your husband. so what I would do when day care never turn up mum was with me all day . Sod the housework or garden, we would do something together,even if it was just sitting down together or mum walking up down around the house, while I tried cook something to eat for both of us, then wash the dishes.

I know you want to make see Alan ''Feel better'' what you have to recognize is we can’t control anyone ''Feeling''only are own ''Feeling''. Like someone said in another post about not excepting anything. I would like to add don’t except anything so like that when Alan has a good day can do things , it will ''Feel'' like to ''You'' an added bonus.

Mum skills would despair reappear like magic. One can perceive that as a negative or positive, us seeing them loss their skills so losing another part of them. It’s all about learning to live with dementia, leaning to live except ourselves in how we our towards the dementia when those skills reappeared despair

 

[Margaret W]

All I would say is forget the cleaning. The only cleaning that needs to be done is kitchen, bathroom and telephone. Beds don't need changing half as ofen as we think, and dusting and hoovering is entirely not necessary. Well not when you have other things to worry about I mean.

Stay strong but also be a bit more relaxed.

Margaret

 

[Helen33]

Christmas eve

My daughter and her partner came to fetch Alan and I and we are spending Christmas with them. I seem to have collapsed as a person and I am really quite worried about myself. When we get home I am going to ask to see the CPN and the Social Worker as soon as possible because I am fairly sure this must be carer breakdown. I don't know why it has hit me all of a sudden but it has and I can't shake it off like I used to be able to.

I don't even know why I'm telling you all - I think it is sheer anxiety and fear.

Love

 

[Grannie G]

I seem to have collapsed as a person

Helen you sound frightened.
Would you consider emergency respite for Alan until you can get help for yourself. The CPN and SW can support you but I`m sure some breathing space would help you.
Love xx

 

[lastday]

treat yourself nicely

you have given so much to so many,now is the time for you!!
when other faimily or friends try to help they dont understand,they think a few kind words,a meal here or there,will cure all,who ever sayes to the carer , how are you,and if they do dare you tell them the truth.sole carers are a one off,the only way i know to cope is to treat it as a bad joke some days.you are a one off,we need more off you.remember,if one day is too much just do an hour at a time.thank you again for all your help and kind words to all of us.

 

[gigi]

Hello Helen...

You're not in familiar surroundings...

Things are different for you both..

You need a break but are spending you time with people you're unsure about..can they accept/understand/help with regard to Alan?

You're out of your "comfort" or "safety" zone.

And that's what's making it more stressful for you.

It's lovely that your daughter wants to do Christmas for you both.

And I don't think it's carer breakdown.

I just try to imagine taking Eric out of here to stay overnight in someone else's house and have the answer....

Helen...

I think it is sheer anxiety and fear.

Please try to relax.

Is Alan ok? Is your daughter happy to have you both there? Is she looking after you?

Realistically...what is going to happen that could be so earth-shattering?

You and Alan are safe with family who presumably understand.

Thinking of you and sending you love.

xx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Helen:

I hope this feeling of breakdown is 'just' to do with too much worry and anxiety around this Christmastime. I say that with the optimism that maybe a break with your daughter will give you some relaxation. I hope they can take the load of your shoulders just for a while.

You so often do an excellent job of reassessing a situation and I do hope you can do that again but put it on backburner until you return home.

If you can accept it is carer breakdown then I do hope your CPN/SW can offer the right respite for you.

Thinking about you. Love Jan

 

[ChristineR62]

Dear Helen

Please consider getting some help for you and Alan. You do a fantastic job every day - anyone can see that - with both Alan and the support you give so generously here.

Now you need to take some support for yourself. Let others give you the help you need.

Thinking of you both.

Warm hugs
Christine
xxx

 

[Helen33]

My mind keeps going over and over what needs to be done. I have no idea of what could possibly help and what the choices (if any) will be. Alan is not suited to a care home situation because of the people and the noise. It would mean he would need medication and that would jeopardise other things like mobility. I have already organised a 2 night respite at the end of January and I don't want to lose that by having respite at the beginning of January.

I feel trapped in the two perspectives - the carer and the cared for. It is a nightmare situation. I can't even think it's Christmas but at least Alan has no idea of what Christmas is.

Thank you all for your kind words.

Love

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Helen, you do sound upset and anxious.

Take a deep breath and run over the positive things you can do.

You could get some emergency respite. Alan could go away for a while, or you could get respite arranged within your home, and you could pop away for a break.

You were thinking of getting extra support at home, such as a cleaner and/or gardener.

Could you reduce your workload a bit? You are so blindingly conscientious that it might be worthwhile cutting down a little bit so that you know you can cope with the work you have scheduled.

You could look for a care home where you think the surroundings will be peaceful for Alan?

Could you ask your daughter to come and offer some help at your home with Alan? Or any other relative or friend?

Just flying a few flags here to see if any are worth saluting.

Christmas can be a really stressful time, (where is that 'stating the bl..d..g obvious' smiley?) but it's OK to relax a bit. Your daughter clearly wants you to. See what happens. Let others take some of the strain.

Sending you hugs and sympathy. Wish I could pop round with a glass or two of mulled wine. Much love x

 

[donkey]

dear helen, what can i say that others havnt already said nothing really but i know what a strong person you are who just needs a little tlc at the moment. your daughter will give you that and you will be able to pour everything outtoo herand she will understand have a good cry together and dont hold back from telling her how you feel . i promise it will do you so much good and as you go into the next phase of allans illness you will be much stronger im sending you all my love and a happy relaxing christmas xxx

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Helen

As you know Dhiren takes medication.
I was warned it might affect his mobility, and it might have done just that. On the other hand, his failing mobility could have been caused by the medication, but also by a deterioration in his condition.

Whatever the case, you know the reason he was put on medication was because I was beginning to be afraid of his moodswings and it was a necessary evil to save him from himself, to save others from his irresponsible behaviour and to enable me to keep him at home without living in fear.

Now Alan is not aggressive and has very different needs to Dhiren. But whatever his difficulties, caring for him has put you on the edge of a breakdown because he does need a massive imput from you in order for him to have a quality of life.

There needs to be a balance here.
There is no value in a quality life for Alan if you are having a carer`s breakdown. You cannot say it is not Alan it is you, because it is the stress you have been put under in caring for Alan that has brought this breakdown on.

It might be time now Helen to consider a compromise. I know how hard you have fought to keep Alan off medication, but are you getting to the stage where instead of Alan taking medication it will be you.

LOve xx

 

[larivy]

Helen hope you get a break at your daughters. i know its hard im the worlds worse for accepting help but some times you just have to. let your daughter help over the Christmas break she must be willing other wise she would not have asked you over enjoy it put your feet up im at my brothers until Sunday and I've already decided im going to let them help and im going to take a back seat have a very happy Christmas love larivy