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husband recent diagnosis

shiloh01

New member
Feb 28, 2021
2
0
My husband has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. He is 74 but the dr. told us that the scan results show the atrophy more akin to someone in their mid 80's. We have known that he has had MCI for several years but the diagnosis was both a relief and a huge shock. Since the diagnosis he is more anxious more depressed and his memory has got worse. He is now on donepezil to enhance his memory. We are still living in isolation because of Covid and everyday I just seem to find one more thing that my husband used to be able to do, but now struggles. It is like death by a thousand cuts. I am angry and then sad and then realise this is only the beginning of a very long journey. I am worried I will not have the inner strength to 'look after myself'.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,097
0
N Ireland
Hello @djevans you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

Like the other members here I recognise the range of emotions you describe - but you are not alone here. I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience. Just ask any question you wish, or even vent feelings if that helps.
 

Quite contrary

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
178
0
Ilford, Essex
My husband has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. He is 74 but the dr. told us that the scan results show the atrophy more akin to someone in their mid 80's. We have known that he has had MCI for several years but the diagnosis was both a relief and a huge shock. Since the diagnosis he is more anxious more depressed and his memory has got worse. He is now on donepezil to enhance his memory. We are still living in isolation because of Covid and everyday I just seem to find one more thing that my husband used to be able to do, but now struggles. It is like death by a thousand cuts. I am angry and then sad and then realise this is only the beginning of a very long journey. I am worried I will not have the inner strength to 'look after myself'.
Hello @djevans and welcome. My husband was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago at the age of 69. His scan also showed atrophy akin with someone in their 80s. He too was very anxious and depressed while I drove myself crazy with worry about what the future would hold. And then I found Talking Point. I do not post much but always read the threads, which are abundant with personal knowledge, experience and abive all kindness. You will find the strength you need with the support of everyone here. Just take things a day at a time and enjoy as much as you can in the now. God bless
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
905
0
Basingstoke, Hampshire
I am angry and then sad and then realise this is only the beginning of a very long journey. I am worried I will not have the inner strength to 'look after myself'.
We are all here to help each other, more help than we find elsewhere. There's always someone here who has been through what you are having to face, or has had the feelings that you are feeling. Someone here always understands.
If someone had told me 6 or 7 years ago, when it was just starting, what I would be having to cope with I would probably have run away. But we do find that inner strength. We are stronger than we realise.
But do look after yourself, but do it for you. I do get annoyed when someone says to me that I have to look after myself in order to look after my husband. We matter too.
 

blackmortimer

Registered User
Jan 2, 2021
126
0
We are all here to help each other, more help than we find elsewhere. There's always someone here who has been through what you are having to face, or has had the feelings that you are feeling. Someone here always understands.
If someone had told me 6 or 7 years ago, when it was just starting, what I would be having to cope with I would probably have run away. But we do find that inner strength. We are stronger than we realise.
But do look after yourself, but do it for you. I do get annoyed when someone says to me that I have to look after myself in order to look after my husband. We matter too.
Well said @jenniferjean . We matter too. I only discovered that when a kindly nurse at our GP's surgery made exactly the same point to me during a trying visit when my wife was resisting the treatment they were trying to give her and I was knocking myself out trying to persuade her to cooperate. I think she could see the uphill struggle I had. Sometimes these quiet words are enough to keep you going.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,178
0
South coast
I do get annoyed when someone says to me that I have to look after myself in order to look after my husband. We matter too.
Im probably guilty of having said that, but Im aware that I will often dismiss concerns about myself and if people tell me that I matter too I would shrug and ignore it. It was only pointing out to me that if I was ill it also affected OH that made me take notice.

I know we matter too and I know we need to be reminded that, but all too often we dont listen.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
ive said it and totally ignored me. even on the forum today, members have told me to do only essential jobs after a fall. its the first time ive followed that advice because usually i feel im not worth it. that im put on this planet to look after my husband. my needs fade into insignificance.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,668
0
ive said it and totally ignored me. even on the forum today, members have told me to do only essential jobs after a fall. its the first time ive followed that advice because usually i feel im not worth it. that im put on this planet to look after my husband. my needs fade into insignificance.
ive said it and totally ignored me. even on the forum today, members have told me to do only essential jobs after a fall. its the first time ive followed that advice because usually i feel im not worth it. that im put on this planet to look after my husband. my needs fade into insignificance.
Oh my dear, when you say you usually feel that you are not worth it ... I felt that I was a slave to a mad person. Folk would say look after yourself, but no one said I will sit with you or with him while you go out, or even come and make you a cup of tea. So how could I look after myself? I understand how you feel as I was the same.
All my thoughts and care to you. I would love to make you a cup of tea. With love, Kindred.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
Oh my dear, when you say you usually feel that you are not worth it ... I felt that I was a slave to a mad person. Folk would say look after yourself, but no one said I will sit with you or with him while you go out, or even come and make you a cup of tea. So how could I look after myself? I understand how you feel as I was the same.
All my thoughts and care to you. I would love to make you a cup of tea. With love, Kindred.
thank you @kindred its weird that if anyone does make me a cup of tea i feel guilty. im like no i should be doing that.ive learnt to ignore my own problems to carry out care to my husband even if it makes my own problems with health, worse. one day i will accept a cup of tea without feeling guilty that i should have made it.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,628
0
Suffolk
My health was my line in the sand and I didn’t do anything that affected that. After OH died I got lots better, but I have had so much wrong with me recently I can’t keep up. And he died nearly 6 years ago!
 

Pansy1950

Registered User
Feb 2, 2019
32
0
Hi Shiloh
We are in a very similar situation to you. Hubby was diagnosed last summer with Alzheimer’s after two years of Memory Clinic visits, a scan etc. I knew there was something amiss for a few years previous to that. He withdrew into himself starting I’d say four years ago and bit by bit the diagnosis became no surprise to me. However, he’s at the stage now where he forgets most of what happens in the short term. So he actually forgets he’s been diagnosed with Alzheimers. I don’t remind him, because why? I simply refer to it as his ‘memory problem.’
Your mention of ‘death by a thousand cuts’ ran oh so true for me. Everyday I notice little things he now will not face, because love him, he cant do them any more.
For instance, he was an avid cyclist until a few weeks ago and since a flat tyre he wont look at the bike. I don’t think he can face trying to change the tyre. Also, things like accounts and where he puts things are a mystery. I now have to quietly undo any wrong filing and watch out for bills etc. OK, these are things that i should always have been doing, I suppose, but it’s the loss of our ‘jobs’ each of us were responsible for that show up the difference from before and what is to come. I’ll admit I am scared, sad and depressed with what the future will be.
But, if anywhere gives me hope, it’s this forum.
Someone will have been where we are. Someone always reaches out. And the advice to look after ourselves .... on here you will have actual pointers on how to do that. Remember, there is a point we all have where we can do no more. It may be years or weeks down the line, but there will never be any judgement here, only support.
 

Helen-D

Registered User
Apr 9, 2021
11
0
I'm so glad to have found this forum and see that other people are having similar struggles.
After many memory tests, brain scans and appointments with memory consultants for quite some time, we've now reached the point where my 72-year old husband has had an official diagnosis of early stage Alzheimer's. This has been a big shock to both of us. My husband is very depressed about it and can see no hope for the future. He has been prescribed Rivastigmine patches (9.5 mg per 24 hours) to help with the Alzheimer's.
He has struggled with depression all his life and has been on anti-depressants long term anyway. The Alzheimer's diagnosis has just made it worse.
Does anyone have any advice about how I can help him come to terms with the diagnosis - and so that we can both try to make the most of the life that we have?
Thank you in anticipation!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
hello @Helen-D, my husband is just 73 and was diagnosed last year just before he was 72. he has vascular dementia and it was a shock to him. hed had a mini-stroke the year before. im only 54 so emphasized that we are stronger together and we will face it together. we have just this week celebrated 32yrs of marriage and although i will care for him in any way, i still encourage him to do all the things he can do for as long as he can do them if only to maintain his confidence and self-esteem.i dont know if that helps you at all.
 

Helen-D

Registered User
Apr 9, 2021
11
0
Hello Jennifer. Thank you for coming back so quickly. Yes, that is helpful. I have said to him that we will face it all together but I will also say that we are stronger together - because that is good and true. We have supported each other through 41 years of marriage, through all the ups and downs, so we have a good track record to spur us on. Yes, I have realised that encouraging him to keep doing all he is able to, for as long as he is able to, is a very good idea, so it's helpful that you say that too.
Best wishes to you both.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,021
0
Hi @Helen-D and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very supportive forum and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
I wasn't in the position that you and your husband are in as it was my much older mother who was diagnosed with dementia and she was in denial that there was anything wrong with her. This fact sheet may help https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about...-diagnosis/diagnosis/adjusting-your-diagnosis.
Have you started to put practical things such as Power of Attorney in place?
Keep posting, you might wish to start your own thread. Not only will you get more replies it can become a useful diary of what is happening as the two of you start navigating this new stage in your lives.
 

Helen-D

Registered User
Apr 9, 2021
11
0
Thanks for this. The fact sheet is helpful.
Yes, we organised POA docs for both of us several years ago.
I didn't think I could start a new thread until I had done a minimum of 10 posts? I assumed that is when you become a registered user as opposed to a new member??
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,330
0
Yorkshire
hello @Helen-D
any member can start a thread of their own - you are fully registered, it's useful for others to see that a member is new and may not be fully up to speed on how to use DTP
if you would like the posts here to be moved to a new thread for you, just let me know
 

Helen-D

Registered User
Apr 9, 2021
11
0
hello @Helen-D
any member can start a thread of their own - you are fully registered, it's useful for others to see that a member is new and may not be fully up to speed on how to use DTP
if you would like the posts here to be moved to a new thread for you, just let me know
Thank you. I have just worked out how to start a thread of my own and now done so!
I don't think I need my earlier posts to be moved to a new thread.
 

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