How to maintain separate bedrooms

[Cedaroflebannon]

Hi there - just wondered what others have experienced trying to maintain separate bedrooms. In utter desperation I had to move out of our double bed and bedroom last week as the Hypersexuality has nearly destroyed me. I talked it through with OH of 45 years and for one joyous night I was not interrupted. However he now comes in a couple of times a night and sometimes frightens me (not his fault necessarily but I am triggered by trauma in early childhood. ) To stop him coming in last night I put a chair against the door but he is very strong and pushed it away he was upset and I got up quickly, tripped and fell and spent the rest of the night downstairs whilst he made tea (instructions have to be given now) so my question is:

I have a guy coming to put a bathroom type handle on my bedroom door which I can lock from inside and I can keep the door “locked” during the day - is there any point in this - it would of course keep him from wee-☺️In there

anyone gone back on their decision and gone back to the double bed. Last night was 9th night: 1 good night with no disturbance; , 2 horrendous and six just about manageable.

I have asked for urgent app at Mental Health Hub.

does any drug guarantee unbrokeN rest for the carer

thanks for listening

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Cedaroflebannon

You could get bolts put on the inside of the door, one at the top and one at the bottom to lock yourself in but I suspect it might make your OH either very upset or very angry.

The Mental Health Team is probably your best bet and if you are not given an early appointment, continue to remind them where you are.

Until then please contact the Dementia Connect Support line

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Jessbow]

Talk to GP as well,has medication caused this? if not s,urely there must be one to calm it?

Disturbed sleep is bad enough, without it being down to such demands. Do you have any respite at all?

 

[lollyc]

Mum was prescribed drugs by her GP, we had no input from mental health. Perhaps you could try that route? She had non-dementia drugs - Mirtazipine, Quetiapine and Lorazepam, and we tried many others along the way. She had sleeping problems (amongst other things) and these did improve that considerably.
Whoever you speak to, make sure you don't play down how much this affects you. We all want the best for our PWD, but it should not be at (too much) cost to ourselves. You matter too.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Cedaroflebannon , I stopped sharing a bed with my wife, although not for the reason you mention. She soon got used to it and - because her dementia was well advanced - may even not have noticed that we now had separate rooms. I did get locks fitted to several upstairs room and cupboards but just to stop her moving or messing up stuff. She soon accepted that no amount of rattling would open them.

For you it sounds more a question of personal safety, peace and getting a proper night's sleep. Fitting a lockable handle seems appropriate. Keeping it locked at all times - not just when you are in there or at night - might help him to understand that the room is not accessible. That might eventually help with unwanted visitations. It would be a better solution than going back to sharing a bed, which seems like the worst choice.

 

[jennifer1967]

i have a lock on my door like a yale lock that i can deadlock it when i need to. just for a bit of privacy when you come out of the shower for instance. i jump every time my husband walks in the room due to my own trauma of childhood. i would put a lock on it and keep it locked as your private space. hopefully he will get used to it

 

[canary]

Yes put a lock on your door and keep it locked even during the day so that he gets used to not going in there.



PS - has he been prescribed donepezil? One of the side-effects can be hypersexuality

 

[Cariad 42]

Hi there
Hypersexuality has been an issue with my husband, and it was stressing me so much I raised it with the memory clinic. They have prescribed an antidepressant that amongst other things suppresses his desires. They do seem to work though recently we had to increase the dose as the problem seemed to raise its head again. He is now also much more chilled about life in general which has made the house much calmer.

I do seem to spend my time though managing my response to his need for "me to be nice to him" which covers a multitude of things. The hypersexuality problem can stop me reassuring him with a cuddle and this can be a shame and he does notice it.

I still share the bedroom with him but quite often move to the other room. This is because he has really strong dreams and twitches about in the bed and this keeps me awake. Also we had one night where "he came after me" saying he wanted to kill me. I was so scared that night, but I do think it was only a dream. It has made me cautious now and I quietly move into the other room when he gets restless.

My hubby takes Donepezil and Memantine for his Alzheimer's, and I was interested to see @canary comment that Donepezil can have hypersexuality as a side effect. The memory clinic didn't discuss this we me at all when I raised the hypersexuality problem with them.

I think a lock on the other bedroom door is a step I need to take, just in case.

I am sorry you are dealing with hypersexuality, it is so very stressful.

 

[Cedaroflebannon]

Thank you so much for your replies. Really kind and how wonderful to be able to rant on. Thanks for the tips about getting a mortice lock - this is being fitted as we speak - no handle so easier to realise it’s not the bathroom (even though the bathroom light is on and the door wedged open he doesn’t recognise it always)

Main question - any tips about seeing the Adult Mental Health team - they’re coming this afternoon!, I have to remember it will be all about him and his behaviour and not about my utter exhaustion! one of the horrid things about Alzheimer’s is that over time I
ve forgotten what’s abnormal!

 

[jennifer1967]

Thank you so much for your replies. Really kind and how wonderful to be able to rant on. Thanks for the tips about getting a mortice lock - this is being fitted as we speak - no handle so easier to realise it’s not the bathroom (even though the bathroom light is on and the door wedged open he doesn’t recognise it always)

Main question - any tips about seeing the Adult Mental Health team - they’re coming this afternoon!, I have to remember it will be all about him and his behaviour and not about my utter exhaustion! one of the horrid things about Alzheimer’s is that over time I
ve forgotten what’s abnormal!

see if you can talk to them away from your husband as i found it easier and tell them how it is without sugar coating it. i was insistent that something was done because they do try to make light of it. maybe write a few things down so you dont forget anything and hand it to them if need be. it may be about your husband but you need to clearly tell them that it has caused you problems as a wife but also as his carer.

 

[Violet Jane]

Don’t be shy about mentioning any difficult behaviours by your husband (eg the hyper sexuality) and asking for medication to address them. In many people’s experience, medication is never offered; the carer has to ask for it.

Whilst the MH team is ostensibly coming to see your husband make it crystal clear that you expect help for your husband’s difficult behaviours so that you can continue to care for him at home. Remind them that you are not just your husband’s carer but a person in your own right.

 

[Violet Jane]

Very good advice from @jennifer1967. Writing a list of points you want to raise will mean you don’t get flustered and forget to mention something.

 

[jennifer1967]

they might blame low mood which is what they did with my husband but its his behaviour that needs to be addressed and managed more than anything else although low mood can be added in

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Cedaroflebannon
you might show the team some of your posts on DTP, those on other threads as well as this
if they see the responses too they may realise this is a challenge shared by others and definitely not specific to your situation ... might make them think

 

[Cedaroflebannon]

thanks everyone - yes one unexpected bonus of being on this community is that. You can look back on your posts. its not the adult mental health team but Adult Social Care Age UK Who are coming ?

Im working out the things that I do for him ie things he can longer do=

Bath
dress in appropriate way
do all finances
cook
go on the bus with him

At best I suppose I’ve got to push the Morning help which I will have to pay for. But it might be a way in.

KeEping. This as a record

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Cedaroflebannon
remember it's not only what you do it's how long it takes and also what you have to show/remind/prompt and stop him doing
run through a typical (actually, consider the worst) day and list out all that happens, however small the task/issue may be .... eg he might drink but has to be regularly prompted so drinking one mug of tea takes 20 mins ... he can dress himself but clothes have to be laid out ready, in order, he needs prompts and cannot do up all buttons, takes 20 mins ... he wakes you 3 times a night

think of the Attendance Allowance Application and the kinds of situations that asked about

Attendance Allowance

Attendance Allowance helps pay for your personal care if you've reached State Pension age and are disabled - rates, eligibility, apply, claim form AA1.

www.gov.uk

 

[duchess55]

I

Hi there
Hypersexuality has been an issue with my husband, and it was stressing me so much I raised it with the memory clinic. They have prescribed an antidepressant that amongst other things suppresses his desires. They do seem to work though recently we had to increase the dose as the problem seemed to raise its head again. He is now also much more chilled about life in general which has made the house much calmer.

I do seem to spend my time though managing my response to his need for "me to be nice to him" which covers a multitude of things. The hypersexuality problem can stop me reassuring him with a cuddle and this can be a shame and he does notice it.

I still share the bedroom with him but quite often move to the other room. This is because he has really strong dreams and twitches about in the bed and this keeps me awake. Also we had one night where "he came after me" saying he wanted to kill me. I was so scared that night, but I do think it was only a dream. It has made me cautious now and I quietly move into the other room when he gets restless.

My hubby takes Donepezil and Memantine for his Alzheimer's, and I was interested to see @canary comment that Donepezil can have hypersexuality as a side effect. The memory clinic didn't discuss this we me at all when I raised the hypersexuality problem with them.

I think a lock on the other bedroom door is a step I need to take, just in case.

I am sorry you are dealing with hypersexuality, it is so very stressful.

my husband was in donezepil for nearly two years. He used to have dreams and he would really hurt me he started to be aggressive and hurt me for around a year. He is off the donezepil now and on memantine and the physical cal aggression has stopped. Please be aware donezepil can cause aggression I suffered terribly until we stopped it.

 

[Cedaroflebannon]

Well here I am in my own little room with OH tucked up in bed In his room. My room now has a Yale lock on it and no handle. It was quite expensive but I’m hoping it will be worth it . Had the visit this afternoon and it WAS the mental health team who were very impressive. One talked to Harry whilst I talked to the other. Straightaway she said “You’re frightened“ and She was brilliant and brought out aspects of Hypersexuality which I hadn’t realised. The constant vigilance, the manoeuvring round, the “being careful” all the time Which she acknowledged was exhausting. She also explained that that is often the only thing on their mind which suddenly made sense of the constant asking. she said there might be a possibility of respite which so took me aback! I must pursue that. It was wonderful to talk to someone who really understood it. Interestingly when she went through the history she thought that there were signs in 2005. We start Mematine next week which may work and they will visit in a weeks time. May we all have a good night and thank you for listening!!

 

[jennifer1967]

Well here I am in my own little room with OH tucked up in bed In his room. My room now has a Yale lock on it and no handle. It was quite expensive but I’m hoping it will be worth it . Had the visit this afternoon and it WAS the mental health team who were very impressive. One talked to Harry whilst I talked to the other. Straightaway she said “You’re frightened“ and She was brilliant and brought out aspects of Hypersexuality which I hadn’t realised. The constant vigilance, the manoeuvring round, the “being careful” all the time Which she acknowledged was exhausting. She also explained that that is often the only thing on their mind which suddenly made sense of the constant asking. she said there might be a possibility of respite which so took me aback! I must pursue that. It was wonderful to talk to someone who really understood it. Interestingly when she went through the history she thought that there were signs in 2005. We start Mematine next week which may work and they will visit in a weeks time. May we all have a good night and thank you for listening!!

i really hope it works, it did with the aggression in my husband. you increase it gradually. they talked to us like that so he wasnt suspicious but couldnt hear what i said. i must admit they are the right people to deal with this and they do listen although i had to be assertive with them. heres to a goodnight sleep

 

[Cedaroflebannon]

i really hope it works, it did with the aggression in my husband. you increase it gradually. they talked to us like that so he wasnt suspicious but couldnt hear what i said. i must admit they are the right people to deal with this and they do listen although i had to be assertive with them. heres to a goodnight sleep

Thanks - @jennifer 1967. It’s incredibly hard and when I read other people’s stories I am amazed that we’re still standing. Today I thought how much more helpful it would be if you just had a one shop for all approach instead Alzheimer’s/age uk/ NHS/Social services which when you are exhausted is overwhelming. But I am very grateful for the help so far.