Here I am again....6 or so years later, Mom asked to leave care home.

[sparklestars]

Hello all. I was surprised I could still log into my account, I haven't been on since early 2018. I had a couple of threads going then which I'll paste below for context - it's nice to still see some familiar names from back then still around!

After much stress, anxiety and crises, my Mom was admitted to a nice residential care home in August 2018 as a self-funder, following a stay in Hospital after a nasty infection. Mom has mixed dementia (Alzheimers and vascular) and apart from my daughter (who is now 17 and a half years old) there is no other family at all for either of us, I'm a single parent working 3 days a week. At the time Mom moved in to the care home the place was lovely, the staff were lovely and so were the management. However, in the last couple of years that's changed a lot - new management, staff changeover and so on. Mom had pretty much stayed at about Stage 5 after going into the Home, she walks with a frame, feeds herself, mostly continent and can still have a conversation to some small extent albeit she's very confused. However, in the last year or so there's been a few minor incidents (they phone and tell me) of Mom hitting out or scratching staff when they try to shower her and about 3 or 4 times when she's tried to hit other residents in the lounge. They've had the mental health team in to review her medication and have checked for infection - but nothing was found so presumably it's her dementia finally progressing (it's been pretty stable for years now).

However, it still came as a total shock to me to be told this week that the Home has decided Mom now needs to move to a Nursing Home/EMI unit. I was so upset, as I naively thought she'd remain where she is till the end of her life. As she's self-funding it's now on me to work out where next. I am tentatively considering trialling a move back to her house....it has remained empty all that time (difficult legal situation as it's not really 'her' house, it's in a Trust but available for her to live in it) and when she went into the care home I couldn't move into the house with her at the time as I had a young child, but my daughter is independent now so I could. I have worked out I could get carers in for the 3 days a week I work. If it doesn't work out, I could still move her into a Nursing Home after that with nothing lost I suppose, at least I'll know I tried. I think she might be better without lots of other residents around her, as they seem to annoy her now.
Also, the big thing for me is having read up a bit more up on it, I can see that even a Nursing Home may also quite easily ask her to leave if she moves there and there are 'incidents' with her behaviour in the future too. Her funds are starting to diminish after 6 years in residential care too. What is the bloody point of moving her to another placement I wonder, sigh. I have both LPA's but once her money runs out I just know the Council will insist on moving her to the crappiest, cheapest placement there is - and there's little anyone can do to stop that (I've seen the battle many times).
I do feel like many others here to be honest, Mom just seems to go on and on with no quality of life, she doesn't really remember anything about who she is or was or her life - occasionally she knows my name but doesn't really understand I'm her daughter. This is all so draining and I never really imagined we'd still be here in this 'limbo', seven years later.

End of my tether....

I am an only child, my Mother is 76 and widowed (5 years) and lives round the corner. I am a working single parent with a 9 year old child and I have been 'noticing' things are not quite right with my Mother for 2 years now. I tried to talk to her neighbour and a friend of hers at the time -...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Mother 'gone away' for the night?!

Hello Sparklestars. What lovely help and support from oh knickers. Been thinking of you and am sooooo glad you have a week off coming up. Good idea to go away. Having had a crappy mother makes coping with the dementia advancing all the harder. I also aimed for civility and treating her fairly...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

What a difference a year makes....

I suddenly realised the other day that it was about a year to the day since I came on here desperately confused and seeking advice and support regarding my Mother in these two posts: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/mother-gone-away-for-the-night.98434/page-3#post-1370663...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome back @sparklestars

It does sound as if there is a progression of your mother`s dementia which is not surprising after 6 years.

I`m sure the care home know her well enough by now to be able to manage any changes in her behaviour and this is what I would expect them to do.

 

[sparklestars]

Welcome back @sparklestars

It does sound as if there is a progression of your mother`s dementia which is not surprising after 6 years.

I`m sure the care home know her well enough by now to be able to manage any changes in her behaviour and this is what I would expect them to do.

Thank you Grannie G, sorry, I'd accidentally pressed 'post' before I'd finished writing, but I edited it - she has been asked to leave now which I'm gutted about - as I also believed they would/should be able to manage her behaviour....especially after she's been there so long. xx

 

[Grannie G]

The Support line might be able to offer the best advice @sparklestars

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Izzy]

Welcome back @sparklestars. It’s nice to see you back but I’m sorry the circumstances are not good.

I agree that a call to the Support Line might be helpful now.

 

[sparklestars]

Thanks both for the input, I phoned the helpline on Friday and they were helpful - but it just comes down to it not being an easy decision to make and with plenty of 'unknowns'. Sigh.

 

[canary]

Hello @sparklestars

Its nice to see you again, but Im sorry about the situation that caused this

Im thinking that as you referred to the home that your mum is in as a residential care and that they are now suggesting an EMI home, that your mums home is one that is both for people without dementia and will also accept people with dementia?

Residential care homes arefine for people in the early stages of dementia, but as it progresses they generally do not have the number of staff, nor indeed the training and experience of caring for people in the later stages or with challenging behaviour. And Im afraid that hitting staff and especially other residents, is definitely considered challenging behaviour, even though it is fairly normal in the later stages. I suspect that there have been complaints from other residents relatives. Once someone with dementia who is living in a residential care home reaches a certain point it is usual for them to be given 28 days notice.

Your mum has actually done well to live for 6 years in this home, but when they get to the stage that the home can no longer meet their needs, then its time to move them. TBH, I wouldnt want a relative of mine to stay in a home where they cant meet their needs and the home wants them to move.

Dont dismiss EMI homes that will accept the LA rates out of hand. Many of them, although having basic facilities and looking a bit shabby, provide very good care. The EMI home that mum was in looked old fashioned and shabby, but had a homely atmosphere, the care was excellent and mum was happy there. I know that others on this forum have found the same

 

[Sirena]

Sorry to hear of the problems which have brought you back here @sparklestars
My mother has been in a care home for 7 years now too, but her dementia has progressed far more than your mother's has.

The terms used for care homes can be quite fluid. When my mother moved to her CH it termed itself an EMI home, but now the website says it is simply a dementia care home, although nothing at all has changed. I just noticed that you referred to her needing a 'nursing home' and I'm not sure why, as it does not sound as if she needs any nursing care, she just needs a dementia care home which can deal with challenging behaviour.

From what I've said you will gather I don't think it would be a good idea to take her back to her house. She is used to the care home environment now and moving to the right care home would probably work best for her. I would call round some dementia CHs, explain her behaviours, and ask if they can meet her needs. Her behaviour doesn't sound massively challenging, but dementia care homes vary hugely in what they will accept - one I visited would not accept a resident who 'paced up and down'! You should be able to find somewhere for her.