It's very hard, (but we do it with the best of intentions)
After two years of looking after my Aunt, it came to a head when she was phoning me up 10 - 14 times a day wanting food, (we lived next door to each other)
She was advised to move into a home ("... you can chat to people, and take part in activities")
Soon as we got there, she was ushered one way, and me to room to unpack. I could instantly tell it was not a nice place. Visit the home you intend to put a resident in, and dont be rushed to accept the room with one day's notice. Although if you're reliant on Council, you'll only have a choice of about two homes anyway
When we met up again two hours later, she was in tears, asking when she could go home. ("Don't worry" said the care assistant in front of her "They're usually llke this until they realise they're not going anywhere else") I left in tears
By day 2, Aunt was drugged up and couldn't even hold a knife to eat / disoriantated. Turns out they had given her something as " ... she'd got agitated when she found she couldn't go home"
I tried - in vain - to get Social Services to let me take her home again. After four hours, duty officer refused: Her case workworker was on holiday for 2 weeks, so she would have to wait until she was available to review the case (In that time, Aunt was 'contined to barracks', and I couldn't even take her out for the day "...until the care worker says its OK for her to be allowed out") She was reduced to sitting in a chair in day room where a CD played in an endless loop. That was the 'activities' mentioned above. There was nobody to chat too, and the staff were too intent in writing up all the case histories for the 40+ people on their wing. (About 12 in day room, rest in their rooms, so 3 staff were all that were needed)
At the meeting SIX WEEKS later, they refused to let her out, citing that her condition would only get worse and we would be back to trying to find her a placement further down the line. Naturally, I was upset to which I was told this was because I was feeling "guilty" (Too right I was for putting her in that dumping ground!!)
Naturally, I was very upset at the situation, and tried every which way to get her out again, but I was hitting a brick wallevery time. Eventually I began to accept I could do nothing to change the situation; she was stuck there.
To make up for it, I would visit three times a week, take her and two other residents out to luncheon club once a week, (at a cost of £15 out of my pocket. And what a struggle THAT was to get Matron to accept the idea!)
Aunt has now deteriorated - they would claim due to the illness - and is almost as vegative as the other residents. She is now untalkative, won't do anything and just wants to sit in chair staring at the TV.
Yes, it's very hard to walk away from the person you know, seeing them so distressed. But both you and patient reluctantly have to accept there is no alternative. "In their best interest" is a mute point, but the illness forces your hand.
+++
Someone likened it to leaving a child's first day at school. To wit; It's etched in my memory so much, I can recall it was pouring with rain, and I watched in horror as my Mum left me, and walked across the school playground. Apparentely, at some time sh'd told me I had to go to school until I was 15. "You will come back to collect me when I'm 15, won't you?" said the anxious little child.