Help! Mum's been in care home one day and freaking out

[09florence]

Hi Artyfarty,
We had this situation with my dad. The transfer from the hospital where he had been sectioned to his first care home massively upset and disturbed him. His behaviour got worse and worse, but it was no wonder, as the home was completely unsuitable for him. We had been pressurised into accepting the place by the social worker but it was a nightmare. He was supposed to have access to outside space as he likes to wander and exercise by walking, but the reality was a tiny courtyard which was two flights downstairs and through a locked door which he didn't have the code for (obviously he couldn't have remembered it anyway). Many other things were wrong. The home blamed it all on him and complained about his 'challenging' and 'aggressive' behaviour (they were a home which takes on challenging residents so we felt they should have been able to deal with it better). Eventually they simply dumped him in A&E and he went back to hospital.
BUT the reason that I am posting this is to say that the second home he has gone to (obviously chosen much more carefully after our complaint) is completely different. His transfer went incredibly smoothly and he has been settled ever since he arrived, amazingly. He doesn't display any of the behaviour that got him ejected from the first home. There is plenty of space to wander and lovely staff who interact with him, and proper activities. So although it does sound as if your mum is more aware of what's going on than our dad, which must be harder, it may well be that the home is not quite right for her. Do you think it answers her needs?
Good luck, it is unbelievably hard. I remember the awfulness of our dad thinking he was leaving hospital with us when we visited and all the ways we tried to distract him.
I hope your siblings are being helpful.
F x

 

[cragmaid]

Quick question.....has Mum been seen by a GP recently? UTI? Drug review??
Just a probably irrevalent question, but you never know........

 

[Eternity]

I guess we can all imagine our mum's using their handbags in frustration. I'm glad you can still giggle, but I know it is distressing getting the calls from the home and trying to calm her down.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow - I hope at least a couple of the homes is just right for your mum.

Hope you get some sleep tonight

x

 

[artyfarty]

Hi 09Florence

You said the transmission to the second home went smoothly. How was that handled? Any pointers would be gratefully received!

Craigsmaid - they have suggested that another UTI might be a contributory factor but they haven't persuaded her to give a sample as yet but I have some pee sticks that I'll take with me tomorrow. The GP says she has to see a psychiatrist before they will prescribe anything new or adjust any dosages. The wheels seem to grind exceedingly slow. It's so frustrating!

 

[chingford]

care home

My wife has Alz and V Dementia.I would never let any one tell me what is best for my wife.to leave her in a home without me after all these years.I know the terrible stress and unhappiness this would cause her.How could i sleep at night.She needs me now more than ever.At night when she calls for me. i want to be there.Yes you have to give so much of your self.But that is what love is .is it not.

 

[Eternity]

c

 

[09florence]

Hi 09Florence

You said the transmission to the second home went smoothly. How was that handled? Any pointers would be gratefully received!

Craigsmaid - they have suggested that another UTI might be a contributory factor but they haven't persuaded her to give a sample as yet but I have some pee sticks that I'll take with me tomorrow. The GP says she has to see a psychiatrist before they will prescribe anything new or adjust any dosages. The wheels seem to grind exceedingly slow. It's so frustrating!

Hello, sorry for the pause. Sadly I can't give you any pointers because of the crazy situation my siblings and I are in, due to not having nearest relative status. My dad's wife is nearest relative and social services etc communicate primarily with her, but she refuses to communicate with us. It's a constant battle getting information, despite the fact that my siblings and I visit my dad several times a week and she shows little interest in him anymore - I think she has visited him once since new year. So all we knew about the transfer was getting a phone call on the day and being told he was being moved that afternoon, my sister went to see him later on and he seemed ok, a couple of days later it was Christmas Day and he seemed happy and relaxed. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but if I can find a member of staff who can tell me much about how the transfer happened I will report back. How is your mum now? I hope there has been some improvement by now F

 

[JulieMulder]

Dont' feel bad

Am desperate. Mum went into the care home yesterday and things are going extremely badly.

She seemed to understand where we were taking her but when she was hit with the reality of the place she freaked out. Two and a half hours later we managed to calm her down enough to leave. She's had periods where they have distracted her enough that she has stopped crying and shouting but she is obviously very unhappy.

I have said I will visit tonight and I am totally dreading it. The home advised us to visit frequently in the first week and my brother went this morning - he said she was crying and constantly saying she wanted to go home.

I know it's early days, I know we have put her there for the right reasons (she kept going out and getting lost, accidentally set fire to the kitchen etc), but I feel terrible. I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to walk out of there without her tonight.

I absolutely can't go on looking after her though. I've reached the end of my endurance - but I also can't bear the idea of her being so miserable.

I've been told it might take a couple of weeks for her to settle - has anyone had this with the person they care for - can they start off this unhappy and eventually settle down?

First of all don't feel bad about this, as they are really smart and can pick up on your feelings, go there, be positive, ask her questions, as how is she feeling, does she like her new room? If she doesn't what would she like. Maybe get a white board so you can write notes on it for her as to who is coming next and your times which is really important. as she loves you so much and depends on you. she knows she has to be
there, but then she knows you are trying to make it as best as possible.Your doing a great Job. Keep up the good work.

 

[JulieMulder]

Sorry to hear

It is really hard leaving your beloved parent in a care home but I consoled myself amongst the feelings of guilt that it was for the best, She was safe, warm ,fed and was given her medication regularly and there were people around -so much better than living in a damp house being isolated and forgetting to eat /take pills etc .I too timed my visits to arrive a little while before a meal was due -a natural break and one could then slip away when Mum was distracted by staff ushering her into the dining room. Also rather than spending the visits just trying to talk I played dominoes with my Mum or we attempted crosswords anything to stimulate her. In fact the last evening I spent with her before she passed away was such a happy one as she was beating me at dominoes-
I never told my Mum she was there for ever ( after all some care homes close or a person's needs change )-at the beginning it was she was there because the doctors wanted her to have care and be looked after so her leg ulcers would heal quicker -After a few days of trying to pack all her things she accepted her new room and en suite bathroom and liked her "Hotel" and she grew to like the staff and they liked her too.

How nice it was to spend those precious hours with your mum,playing domineers,this you will remember the rest of your life. You have done a good job and she would of loved you even more for it. Well done for taking the time and patience to look after her during that interesting part of her life, that's what i call it, as every day is different. MY advise put those memories in your top pocket so they are with you for life. well done.

 

[Eternity]

Hi artyfarty,

lost touch a bit - were you able to find a place for your mum. How are you coping with everything?