Help! Mum's been in care home one day and freaking out

[artyfarty]

Am desperate. Mum went into the care home yesterday and things are going extremely badly.

She seemed to understand where we were taking her but when she was hit with the reality of the place she freaked out. Two and a half hours later we managed to calm her down enough to leave. She's had periods where they have distracted her enough that she has stopped crying and shouting but she is obviously very unhappy.

I have said I will visit tonight and I am totally dreading it. The home advised us to visit frequently in the first week and my brother went this morning - he said she was crying and constantly saying she wanted to go home.

I know it's early days, I know we have put her there for the right reasons (she kept going out and getting lost, accidentally set fire to the kitchen etc), but I feel terrible. I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to walk out of there without her tonight.

I absolutely can't go on looking after her though. I've reached the end of my endurance - but I also can't bear the idea of her being so miserable.

I've been told it might take a couple of weeks for her to settle - has anyone had this with the person they care for - can they start off this unhappy and eventually settle down?

 

[Raggedrobin]

I had this with my Mum. advice varies about visiting, some people say not to visit but that seems awfully cruel. I was in the position where I had to go away for a few days. She was apparently awful. However, it took only a week for her to start to settle, and every week since she has settled more. We are now onto about 2 months, and mostly she is actually happy there and cared for in a way I could no longer do.
So my advice is take a deep breath, I know it is absolutely horrid to see her so upset, but hopefully she will settle. We also got the doctor in to give mum tranquilisers at that point, and that did also help, especially to get her to sleep at night.
I wish you the very best for your mum settling. i almost couldn't believe it when Mum started to relax and be content there. X

 

[artyfarty]

Thanks. That gives me hope. I'm on the train on the way now. Keep reminding myself why we did this in the first place. Deep breath...

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[Canadian Joanne]

Yes, you have made the right decision. Your mother may be very unhappy now, but at least she will be safe.

I'm surprised that the home has asked you to visit frequently. It's usually the other way round, asking the family to stay away for a week or so. This allows the resident to settle more easily, as a rule. But be aware that it may take 6 - 8 weeks for your mother to settle. It took my mother over two months. I was going every day to find she had packed up all her clothes in whatever she could find. I took away all bags etc but she was finding bin liners. She was absolutely determined to leave and I would unpack her every day, as I was absolutely determined she would stay.

If you are dreading it and are afraid you will take her home, I would advise you not to go tonight. Remember, you say

I absolutely can't go on looking after her though. I've reached the end of my endurance

If you take her out now, you will only have to start over again.

It is one of the hardest things but you must keep your health and your mother's health and safety to the forefront of your mind.

 

[Katrine]

Don't visit if it is tearing you up. In our experience MIL continued to be unhappy until she accepted her current reality. It took months, but her mood was calmer when no-one visited for 2 weeks. There has to come a transfer of trust from family (rescuers, protectors, people with shared history) to caregivers (if, of course, these deserve that trust).

I understand you wanting to see her as she settles in. I recommend keeping in touch with the staff but keeping visits short so that she sees YOU as the visitor, not herself. When MIL went to her first CH she would kick up a fuss if we said we were going home. You need to agree an exit strategy with staff so that someone is primed to distract her when you go. If necessary, go to the toilet and don't come back. She will get over it.

IMHO someone should have rescued you all from such a distressing scene. 2.5 hours! I would have done 30 mins max. then left. If you feel you are responsible for getting her to be calm she only has to kick off again and you'll be back to square one. I have seen this with SIL who would get trapped for hours by her own need to be the trusted person with the skill to calm her mother.

It is the job of the carers to calm her and gain her trust, surely much easier for them if you are not around for mum to run to. It is rare that this transition happens painlessly.

 

[Bod]

I agree, do not go.
She will settle quicker without being reminded, of what she has left.
When I took my father into care, we were told no visitors for 2 weeks, he escaped in less than 2 hours! But on being returned the staff were very good with him, I was shooed out instantly!
Let the staff, who will be looking after her, settle her, they know the little tricks that work!
My father took 3 months, to calm down and realise that I wasn't going to take him "home".
3 years on, he still doesn't "live" there, and wonders how I know where to find him.
Stick with it, it does get easier, really.

Bod

 

[Eternity]

How did the visit go? I'm hoping it was a little easier for you both tonight

 

[Jessbow]

Can you aim to go so that you arrive 45 mins before lunch or tea? have a chat ( or whatever) Settle her at the table and say ''have to go and get mine now'' and leave

I find a natural distraction like a mealtime helps provide a natural 'retreat' point for me

 

[Chemmy]

Perhaps it would be helpful if you compared it to taking a reluctant child to school. In that situation, there is no option either - the child will have to get used to going to school.

No teacher wants an anxious parent hovering around the classroom - the child will settle much better if the parent drops them off and lets the professional deal with it. The CH should be doing the same; this won't be the first - or last - time they've dealt with this sort of situation.

I didn't visit Mum for three weeks on the advice of the staff.

Good luck. You know deep down you've done the right thing

 

[Raggedrobin]

i think the business of visiting or not may depend a great deal on an individual case and how aware or possibly close someone is. I was with my mother 24/7 and it would have been very odd not to have stuck with her a bit for the first 24 hours (until I had no choice but to go away) but I must say I have always kept visits very short and I agree that it is a good idea to do the visit just before an activity/meal, so it limits the time to say, half an hour. Otherwise she will get exhausted telling you she wants out, and you will get exhausted listening to it.

other things for settling including making sure they have olenty of things from home with them, and in the case of my mum I didn't tell her it was permanent, just respite. As she got used to it, she ceased to remember this and finally said she accepted that she was staying there.

Now Mum really enjoys her new 'family', the lovely staff and the other residents and my visiting is still appreciated but more of a bonus in her life than a necessity, perhaps.

 

[copsham]

Hi Artyfarty,
I was so pleased to hear of a care home who thought regular visiting in a settling in period was positive. My guess would be that they are a thoughtful establishment. I personally think that regular visiting may help her understand that you do visit but you do not take her away. Dependent on her memory she may also understand that she has not been abandoned. It will be hugely stressful for you but I hope its possible.

Not knowing your mother's abilities, would she appreciate postcards sent by you. My mother holds on to them all day- almost as good as a visit!

During my regular visits, I have seen several people in my mothers nursing home be very distressed, shouting and screaming, but settle in a few weeks. I have not seen anyone not settle. This is within my mothers small unit of 15 with a small but regular turn over. i have also noticed that being given a lot of attention by staff with a bit of pampering seems to help.

It is so hard for you, like leaving a child on the first day at school. I think it is really important to establish a good rapport with staff at this early stage. Then you will have a relationship which is positive when you deal with problems.

I do not know if it is relevant for you and your mother but I told my mother that her room with an ensuite was like a hotel. My mother took this to be that it was a hotel and decided that she liked this hotel because the staff are helpful and make sure you are all right!

Not a fun position for you to be in - makes my stomach turn to think of it BUT it is possible for your mother to settle. Best wishes

 

[Saffie]

I, too, visited my husband every day when he went into his nursing home. I had done this all the time he was in hospital yet he still thought I had left him every day.
How cruel would it have been to leave him without a visit each day in a strange place!

Fortunately, the home didn't give me any advice regarding visiting which I think is sensible. They may have general knowledge about how residents settle in but they don't know our relatives as we do. How can they? They've only just met them.
I think it also depends on the stage our relatives are at.
I would follow your insticts.
You know your mother, they don't and neither do we.
Just please don't tell her she is there for ever.

 

[LYN T]

Hi Artyfarty,
I was so pleased to hear of a care home who thought regular visiting in a settling in period was positive. My guess would be that they are a thoughtful establishment. I personally think that regular visiting may help her understand that you do visit but you do not take her away. Dependent on her memory she may also understand that she has not been abandoned. It will be hugely stressful for you but I hope its possible.

Not knowing your mother's abilities, would she appreciate postcards sent by you. My mother holds on to them all day- almost as good as a visit!

During my regular visits, I have seen several people in my mothers nursing home be very distressed, shouting and screaming, but settle in a few weeks. I have not seen anyone not settle. This is within my mothers small unit of 15 with a small but regular turn over. i have also noticed that being given a lot of attention by staff with a bit of pampering seems to help.

It is so hard for you, like leaving a child on the first day at school. I think it is really important to establish a good rapport with staff at this early stage. Then you will have a relationship which is positive when you deal with problems.

I do not know if it is relevant for you and your mother but I told my mother that her room with an ensuite was like a hotel. My mother took this to be that it was a hotel and decided that she liked this hotel because the staff are helpful and make sure you are all right!

Not a fun position for you to be in - makes my stomach turn to think of it BUT it is possible for your mother to settle. Best wishes

My Husband's CH never gave any advice re visiting; Pete is only 5 or 6 miles away so I visit everyday. It's up to the individual. I visit everyday- always at a mealtime as Pete needs feeding.Of course the Carers can do that but I like to feel useful, and it passes the time as P cannot communicate.

When Pete first went to his CH he settled well for 3 weeks (apart from sleeping) since then he's been 'high maintenance' Most people are unsettled to start with then they settle.

Good advice to work on a good relationship with the CH. I can honestly say that I consider some of the Carers to be my friends and I've grown very fond of some of the other residents.Some even ask the Carers where I am (probably they want to see my little dogs)

I hope things improve soon-as others have said your Mum is safe which was one of your big concerns

Take care

Lyn T

 

[cragmaid]

I think that visiting everyday for a long visit is probably too long/often.....HOWEVER this is purely from my own experience with MY Mum.
By the time Mum moved into the home I was having to visit her at home everyday at least twice. This was extra to the three visits from outside carers and all the phone calls ( Oh Lord the phone calls)!! I had no life, OH had no wife and the poor dog thought she lived at Mum's.!!
Initially I visited the Care Home every day, partly because I only live a 5 minute walk away, and she was OK, but of course as soon as the first UTI hit we were back to the 30 phone calls, the tears, hatred and vitriol.
Then OH and I had our first holiday away in 4 years by ourselves, and eventually.....after about 8months Mum finally accepted that this was where she lived.
I visit now about 2 or 3 times a week, usually for 30-60 minutes and nearly always timed before meals or hot drinks times.
I still tell fibs about what I am leaving her to do...ie the ironing..the washing is out and it's raining, I'm going to walk the dog, shop.....etc. I never tell her when I'll be back, ( not that it would register as she does not know what the day is) and when I say I am going, I say goodbye and leave....I learned to make a quick departure. I often used to call to one of the carers and tell them that Mum was distressed and let them do the comforting.
Short, sweet and upbeat....that would be my recipe for a good visit.

 

[artyfarty]

Thank you all for your insightful comments and advice. In one way it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be - she was obviously upset but quite calm. She just seemed really sad (in the old fashioned sense of the word) and that rather did knock me for six. We only stayed about an hour (I persuaded my sister to go with me) and I tried to keep it as chatty and calm as possible.

As we were leaving I made sure one of the carers was on hand and told her I was 'going up to the studio' which is something I've said to her a hundred times before so I thought she would accept that. She did ask if she was coming with me but I said I had loads of work to do and she seemed to be ok with it. She did ask to go home but I said to her that she had agreed to 'give it a go' and she said 'oh, I suppose so' - which sort of indicates some sort of acceptance I think. Not sure if that will last though. We will see.

I had got myself worked up into a right state about it (as you could probably tell) and Katrine your comments really struck a chord:

"If you feel you are responsible for getting her to be calm she only has to kick off again and you'll be back to square one. I have seen this with SIL who would get trapped for hours by her own need to be the trusted person with the skill to calm her mother. "

I've been caring for her for 3 1/2 years and its only in the last few months that my siblings have got a bit more involved so I can really identify with your SIL. Have to let that one go don't I??

On the subject of whether to visit or not I am divided. I can see the logic of leaving a person to settle in for a while before visiting. I do think though, that people are individuals and what might work for one, might not work for another. In my mum's case I think that she would have felt abandoned if we had not visited soon. Whilst she might not remember that longterm, I think in this settling period it's important that she feels a connection with us so that things aren't quite so alien for her.

From now on I am going to adopt your mantra Craigsmaid - short, sweet and upbeat.

 

[elizabet]

It is really hard leaving your beloved parent in a care home but I consoled myself amongst the feelings of guilt that it was for the best, She was safe, warm ,fed and was given her medication regularly and there were people around -so much better than living in a damp house being isolated and forgetting to eat /take pills etc .I too timed my visits to arrive a little while before a meal was due -a natural break and one could then slip away when Mum was distracted by staff ushering her into the dining room. Also rather than spending the visits just trying to talk I played dominoes with my Mum or we attempted crosswords anything to stimulate her. In fact the last evening I spent with her before she passed away was such a happy one as she was beating me at dominoes-
I never told my Mum she was there for ever ( after all some care homes close or a person's needs change )-at the beginning it was she was there because the doctors wanted her to have care and be looked after so her leg ulcers would heal quicker -After a few days of trying to pack all her things she accepted her new room and en suite bathroom and liked her "Hotel" and she grew to like the staff and they liked her too.

 

[tealover]

Mum is still in hospital whilst we find somewhere residential for her, and she frequently refers to it as being a hotel, has just told me that she won't be booking for Christmas because they don't have a bar!!

 

[Katrine]

Are you sure? At Christmas at MIL's CH they wheeled round a drinks trolley with every drink you could imagine on there! Residents snooze after Christmas dinner. Wonder why?

 

[artyfarty]

Should have known it wasn't going to be that easy. Mum has been awful - shouting, crying, throwing things at the other residents. Am now really divided about whether I have found the right place for her, whether it was the right time for her to go in, whether I should be visiting quite so often. Am doubting my judgement about everything now. Staff do seem confident that she will eventually settle but at the moment she couldn't be more unhappy - and neither could I. Feel like I've betrayed her. I do know that's rubbish but guilt is an awful insidious thing isn't it?!

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[CollegeGirl]

Oh artyfarty, I wish I had wise words for you. I can tell how painful this is for you. Can you bring yourself to hang on in there for a reasonable period to see how things go, before making any decisions? Everyone is individual and perhaps it will just take time.

Sending you hugs and best wishes that things will turn out okay in a little while.

xx