Help, Dad's dementia is going to kill him and me

[Margarita]

I really can't believe that social services are stressing you out about Top up fees, in the home you want your father to go to.

They better no start doing that to me for the nursing care home I want my mother to go in .

Glad anyway that it has been all sorted out .

I'm not sure that I want to take him out of the CH for visits/trips it just causes so much upset

I was advice at a meeting last week to get mum into nursing care home not to do that, not to visit mum for the first week.

she needs a good 6 weeks to get use to the home as it will confuse distress my mother more, if I took her out Specialist in Dementia told me that . SW was the one who said not to visit in the first week.

Thoughts on this please......I spoke to my SW yesterday who stated that she deems dad to not have capacity (currently) to make a decision on where he lives. However, she did say that once the 4 week trial is over, dad can still say where he wants to live (if at that point he is deemed to have capacity). This makes the However, she did say that once the 4 week trial is over, dad can still say where he wants to live (if at that point he is deemed to have capacity). a waste of time.

However, she did say that once the 4 week trial is over, dad can still say where he wants to live (if at that point he is deemed to have capacity).

God that SW does sound confusing , she only just going to stress you out!!

I sorted this all out already before mum going into nursing home, because social worker was just stressing me out with the mental capacity act

You need to get a specialism from the memory clinic to deem if your father has the capacity to make a decision where he wants to live or not . what s/he say Sticks ! You just can't let social worker do this to you.

You need to overrule SW get someone in from the memory clinic ,
to do the test . That what I did, also got SW in on the meeting .

You have to be strong with the social worker, tell her your father not going anywhere after the 4 weeks.

Your father now needs Stability in one home all the time. You need peace of mind that your father is in a place of safety.


You know what is in your father best interest. So you tell SW don't let SW tell you.

 

[Margarita]

Really what its all about getting specialism from the memory clinic to do test .

Is being able to over rule the test, as it is the person best interest. so SW is covering herself or himself, cross all the boxes of .

 

[burfordthecat]

Thanks Sylvia and Maggie

Just snatching a few minutes and a last coffee before setting off to move dad.

Sylvia, I phoned my SW and have been told that she is out of the office on visits all day. Good job that I had already arranged to collect dad's partner (1 hour drive to get her) so that she can help me with the transfer. We did this last time when I brought dad out of hospital and it seemed to be OK. Dad seems a lot calmer with his partner around and it frees me up to do all the other thing which need to be done.

Maggie, I know what you mean about SW being confusing. I thought that once someone was deemed not to have mental capacity to chose where they are to live, their opinion was listened to but not necessarily followed, but it would "in the best interests of the person" that the decision would be made. I fail to see how it is going to help anyone if dad gets asked in 4 weeks time if he wants to stay there. As things are dad's boat does not need to be rocked and all this will do is cause more distress and upset. I do hope that my SW does not undo all the effort that I have put into getting dad sorted. That will make me really cross.

BTW, my SW has now asked whether I want a carers assessment (better late than never). I have said that if dad does stay in CH then it is a waste of time doing an assessment for me. She then said, but if dad does back to his own house then I will be his main carer again and will need an assessment doing It sounds to me as though she almost wants dad back in his own house, albeit very risky. But, will she still think that it was the right choice when dad ends up back in hospital again or worse? I may just mention that to her if she still thinks that dad could live on his own again.

Again, fingers crossed for me this afternoon, as I try to clear yet another hurdle.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[Margarita]

Again, fingers crossed for me this afternoon, as I try to clear yet another hurdle.

My finger are cross for you .

It sounds to me as though she almost wants dad back in his own house, albeit very risky.

Of course she does that her Job. but they just can't provide the 27/7 support that the person needs, also Its the night time cover they won't pay for, when the person with Dementia is at that stage .

So while your at it give up your life your Job and your family move in with your father (or move your father in with you ) . You know logically that the only way your father can stay living outside a care home . You also know logical, realistically you can't do that . So just tell social work your father staying where he is .

BTW, my SW has now asked whether I want a carers assessment (better late than never).

really she should of done that before a crises happen.so now she covering herself in asking you that now .

If you really wanted to you could make a complaint about SW to her manger , that she should of offer you those services as in carers assessment for you , before a crises happen , Not now.

So really you are in control, so stay positive.

 

[TinaT]

What a confusing and worrying situation for you. It is so wrong that you are left in this limbo situation regarding your dad's future!! It makes me so very angry that as a society we sweep such situations under the carpet where dementia is concerned and the family are always the ones who suffer and bear the burden.

I can of course only speak for myself but I would not leave a week before I visited. In my case with my husband, time is meaningless anyway, 1 day, 2, days, one week, wouldn't make any difference except that he would be in distress at not seeing me for far longer. I would go by my gut insitincts regarding when to visit. You know your dad best.

xxTinaT

 

[Lynne]

Dear Burf

Fingers, toes, legs, arms & eyes are all crossed for you (once I've finished typing this!)

I hope that you & Dad's girlfriend between you can get him moved into the new (& better sounding) CH and that your leave-taking isn't too traumatic.
I hope that she understands about the "Lying your head off" tactics sometimes necessary, and is on your wavelength.

Best BEST wishes

 

[Canadian Joanne]

You are not expected to keep his house going. You are not responsible for any of his bills.

Once he has been transferred, write a standard letter to all utilities, explaining the position, stating you cannot make yourself responsible for your father`s debts, and let them know all outstanding accounts will be settled in full eventually.

I think this is excellent advice from Sylvia. If I were you, I would tell the SW that I would be closing down the house because I could not afford to pay for my house and my dad's. Tell the SW the only way for you to keep the house open for another 4 weeks is if the care home is free. I bet that will make her eyes bulge .

What planet does she live on that she expects you can cover all of these financial disbursements? And if you have THAT much money, please send some my way.

 

[jenniferpa]

To add to what everyone else has said - I would also be refusing the carer's assessment because you don't want them to get any idea AT ALL that you would be prepared to take in the role you had when your father was at home. In fact if the subject comes up again with the social worker tell her in no uncertain term that your refuse point blank to be your father's carer.

I don't suppose there's any possibility of recording him saying he'll accept the care home option? If he was feeling more amenable at one point? Or is this pie in the sky?

 

[Skye]

It sounds to me as though she almost wants dad back in his own house, albeit very risky. But, will she still think that it was the right choice when dad ends up back in hospital again or worse?

Burf, sadly that's exactly what she wants.

It's cheaper for them to provide a care package for your dad in his own home, than to fund residential care.

And if he had to go into hospital, that's OK too, because it comes out of PCT funds, not SS.

(Can you tell I've been in a very frustrating meeting this morning?)

I also don't think you should stay away from your dad. I think that advice has been disproved, it leads to the person feeling insecure and abandoned. I do agree that taking him out may be counter-productive though, at least until he accepts his new 'home'.

I hope the transfer has gone well, and I'm glad you've had some help.

Love,

 

[gigi]

Hello Burf...

I'm hoping that the transfer has been smooth and wrinkle free....

Good idea to take dad's partner along....

I spoke to my SW yesterday who stated that she deems dad to not have capacity (currently) to make a decision on where he lives. However, she did say that once the 4 week trial is over, dad can still say where he wants to live (if at that point he is deemed to have capacity).

This makes my blood boil... On a smaller scale i've had the same difficulty and discussion with a SW about "needing" to have Eric's consent for respite care at home..this from a man who can no longer choose what to wear or eat..who has council Tax reduction because of "Severe Mental Impairment"..

I'm truly amazed that SS are able and allowed to have the capacity and power to potentially overrule a decision which is obviously in your dad's best interest..and yours too.

"I want to go home" is such a common theme in Dementia...even when the sufferer is at home. Do they not know this?

Sorry for the rant.... I'll stop now..

Looking forward to your update, Burf....

Love gigi xx

 

[Margarita]

I'm truly amazed that SS are able and allowed to have the capacity and power to potentially overrule a decision which is obviously in your dad's best interest..and yours too.

But the think unless you know how the symptom works , SW do not have he power to over rule anything .Oh yes they can manipulate you in to thinking they can, but they can’t

 

[ChrisH]

Hi Burf

Just caught up with your latest news. Hope we can all uncross our fingers now as your dad should be well and truely snuggled up in his new home by now.

I hope you didn't leave any cases there or he'll no doubt be packing them straight away. I did that with mum last week but she still managed to find plastic bags to stuff things into so she could 'go home'.

I didn't have a choice about not visiting mum for a week or so as I had appointments with the other residents to do their feet. When I went up on Monday the manager had just settled mum after she'd got very agitated about 'going home'. It was quite funny as I sneaked into the smallest lounge and set up my stuff and the staff brought the residents to me and I tried to keep quiet so she wouldn't know I was there. That didn't last long as I soon heard her come into the larger lounge area through an arch and she managed to find the only chair in there that had a direct view through to me. Oops!

I think I'm in for quite a long haul before mum settles. Or maybe she never will until she forgets all about where she used to live. Don't expect too much from your dad to begin with Burf. It's very early days and he's going to be so confused for quite a while I expect. And stick to your guns with the SW etc. Don't let them stress you out. Your dad is safe now in a place of your choosing and that's where he's going to stay. (I'm sending positive vibes in your direction to "make it so", as Capt. Picard in Star Trek would say).

Chris

 

[burfordthecat]

Yes! Dad has now moved

Sorry that it is a late one folks. I have only just returned after driving dad's partner back home. We decided that as it was only another 10 mins in the car past her house, that we would visit dad's house and pack up some more stuff (at 8.30pm at night). Job done, I now have all of dad's photos ready for his memory book. Dad's partner has very kindly found another huge holdall full of clothes to take to the care home. I have also stripped the lounge/kitchen/hall of photos and paintings (done by my late mother). I will clean and repair all the frames and then they will be put in dad's new room in the CH.

So, everything considered, the transfer went OK. On arriving at the old CH his stuff was already packed and waiting in the office (keen to get rid of him or what). I was told that Dad was not a happy bunny and was refusing to go anywhere other than back home. I went to collect him (very worried), he was fine I explained that he was going to another place to convalesce (I explained that the new place was my first choice but we had been waiting for his room to be ready). No problems, he was quite happy to get in the car and for me to drive him over.

On arriving at the new CH we could not have been made more welcome. His room was all ready and lovely and warm. Dad said that his view was "rather nice" - across the courtyard and gardens. After dad's partner and I had spent forever unpacking and listing stuff, dad asked if it was possible to have a TV in the room. I asked the assistant manager.....Well in less than 5 mins a TV was brought into the room, plugged in and working. Dad seemed happy with this. We were then given a tour round the lounges, dining room etc, everyone seemed so friendly, both staff and residents. Dad shook hands with nearly all the gentlemen and did seem to be quite relaxed. It got a little difficult when it was time to leave, Dad thought that he was going with us. Luckily, the staff were on hand and helped to get dad into the lounge.

On driving back dad's partner said " I have a good feeling about this, I really like this place and I think that your dad will too" Lets hope so....

The assistant manager has said that she will ring me tomorrow to let me know how dad is. I will visit on Saturday (woman bearing many photos and works of art). I am just hoping that all of this will help dad settle and feel really at home.

Chris, your reference to Star Trek did make me laugh. All I can say, if my SW gives me any grief, I will send in Warf, closely followed by the Borg. Need I say any more? Sorry for anyone who does not follow Star Trek, this will not make any sense.

Thanks again for all of your support.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[ChrisH]

Hi Burf

I'm so glad the move went ok. I'm sure he'll be fine in time.

The Borg should do the trick - or they could join forces with the Daleks and we'll line up all the duff SWs for them to "exterminate" - All except my mum's one who will be beamed up to a place of safety as she was brilliant and I don't think mum would be down here near me without her and the OT.

Chris

 

[Margarita]

reads like the move went very well , well done .

 

[Skye]

Well done, Burf!

It sounds as if the move went well, and the new home sounds perfect -- well, as near perfect as these places ever are!

Love,

 

[gigi]

Hello Burf

I was wondering how things went for you all yesterday.

Good to hear that it's "so far..so good"...

Love gigi xx

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Burford.

It`s absolutely wonderful news.
I know you might have teething troubles but I would never have thought, given what you`ve previously posted about your father`s character, that he would ever have complied so peacefully.
And it`s so lovely to read his partner has a good feeling about the home. I have too.
Well done. I hope life will be much easier, less worrying and more peaceful for you from now on.
I have just looked back. You started this Thread just after Christmas, three months ago.

 

[burfordthecat]

Thanks for the support Hazel, Gigi and Sylvia.

I know you might have teething troubles

I am sure there will be lots of problems one of the biggest will be my SW asking dad in 4 weeks time whether he is happy live in the CH permanently of does he want to go back home.) I still can't understand why the option has to be offered to him at the end of the trial. All it is going to do is to cause lots of upset - again. Is is so very important that she asks the question, just so she can tick her box saying "done".

I am waiting for a call from the CH to see how he was after we left yesterday and more important, his night time wanderings. I do hope that he has had a good night.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[Sandy]

Hi Burford,

I still can't understand why the option has to be offered to him at the end of the trial. All it is going to do is to cause lots of upset - again. Is is so very important that she asks the question, just so she can tick her box saying "done".

I've been looking into this a bit more and it looks like this topic of consent is undergoing significant change in April 2009.

This is the date for the Mental Capacity Act (2005) Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards. From what I've read, the purpose of these safeguards is to cover those cases that fall between the two extremes of voluntary admission (with capacity) and sectioning.

You can read more about it here:

http://www.publicguardian.gov.uk/mca/code-of-practice.htm

http://www.leicester.gov.uk/your-council--services/social-care-health/mental-health/deprivation-of-liberty-safeguards

It sounds like there are penalties for local authorities if the process is not followed carefully, and as it is new, people will be even more careful than usual.

Take care,

Sandy