Help, Dad's dementia is going to kill him and me

[burfordthecat]

I have just returned from a visit to my dear Dad. On arriving in the kitchen, it looked as though World War 3 had broken out. His new 2009 calendar was squashed and soaked with water in the corner of the kitchen, the kettle was full, but without a lid and power cable. His Pivotell box was upside down - no tablets taken since Christmas day, However, he had found some tablets to take when I rang him for meds prompt this morning....Steradent tablets!!! Luckily I told him not to take anything till I got over. The whole work surface was awash with water. There were long lengths of skirting board resting up against the Rayburn (which was lit) On entering the lounge the situation got not better. He had pulled the TV out from the corner of the room, breaking the lamp on top and some ornaments. He has also brought three full sacks of kindling wood into the centre of the lounge. Dad has lost his glasses and after much searching I found them on his bed upstairs next to his outdoor coat.

He had said to me that he was feeling very confused and felt as though he was in a trance. I plan to ring the GP tomorrow morning and ask them to do an emergency house visit. Basically, Dad is not longer safe or able to live where he is doing but refuses to move. I want the GP to sort something out for Dad so that he is taken out of his unsafe environment. What things can the GP do? Despite having Social Services involved it is still me that has to do the daily visit and try and hold everything together for Dad. I am almost at the end of my tether. I have had no family time whatsoever with my children this Christmas. I have been either in the kitchen doing food or driving/visiting my Dad. I cannot carry on at this pace, something will give and if it is me then the whole pack of cards will crash down.

If you have any advice/opinions/suggestions on what I can do please tell me.

Thank you for reading

Burfordthecat

 

[Skye]

Dear Burf

What an awful situation for you. And so unfair on your own family, and you of course, that you couldn't have a happy family Christmas.

It sounds as if your dad is no longer able to look after himself, and something needs to be sorted out quickly.

You're right to ask for a doctor to visit tomorrow, but apart from medication there's not a lot he can do. It doesn't sound as if your dad needs to be sectioned.

Does he have a CPN? If so, you should ring first thing on Monday and ask him/her to all. Also the SW.

If you don't have a CPN, get on to your GP and say you need an urgent referral.

As you say, if your dad refuses to move, it's difficult, but it really is the responsibility of the mental health team and SS to ensure his safety.

Tell them you can't cope with this situation, as your own family is being neglected, and ask what they can do about it.

That's the best I can suggest at the moment, but I haven't been in that situation, and hopefully someone who has will have some ideas for you.

In the meantime, love and hugs,

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Burford

This situation is impossible.
Social Services need to see your father is now at risk. I don`t know if there`s anything they can do other than sectioning, to take him to a place of safety, but I would ask them, and tell them in no uncertain terms, you can no longer make yourself responsible for his care.
I hope your father will be offered better support either in his own home or in a residential home, if he can be persuaded to go. Keep the fact he is feeling confused and in a trance in the forefront of your mind to push for having him cared for 24/7.
Good luck.
Love xx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Burf, I'm really sorry to hear how things have been progressing at your dad's and how much strain you are under.

A well as talking to the GP I would also ask those social workers to re-visit and to assess your dad urgently. You could place a call tomorrow, Sunday. They must have an emergency number for out of hours calls. Social Services need to be told fairly and squarely that you cannot guarantee your dad's safety, that his condition seems to be worsening and that you yourself are entitled to have an assessment of your own needs, in addition to the urgent assessment needed by your dad.

If they cannot find a placement urgently for your dad, then they should put in place a detailed package of care for him at home.

I suspect that you won't get much sense out of anybody until Monday morning but don't let that deter you from trying.

I do hope that things go OK for you tomorrow. You must be feeling really frazzled. It's time to put your foot down. I'll be thinking of you and suggest that you also give the AS helpline a call on Monday morning.

KInd regards and sympathy from Deborah

 

[burfordthecat]

It doesn't sound as if your dad needs to be sectioned.

Hi Hazel

Thank for you reply. Do you know what is the criteria for getting someone sectioned? Would the fact that Dad nearly burned the house down last month together with locking himself out of the house and nearly getting hypothermia have any bearing. Please don't get me wrong, I don't want Dad sectioned but he is a danger to himself at the moment.

Does he have a CPN? If so, you should ring first thing on Monday and ask him/her to all. Also the SW.

Hazel, Dad has not even had an assessment yet. I arranged an appointment for him in March and he flatly refused to go. Saying that there was nothing wrong with him and he would not have anybody thinking that there was.

Again, Dad does not have a Social Worker, it is just anyone on the duty desk who deals with any new queries. He has only just had an Social Services assessment. The end result of that he will be getting a carer Monday to Friday from 5pm for 30mins. He reluctantly agreed to this, if only to shut me up.

Love Burf x x

 

[burfordthecat]

This situation is impossible.

Hi Sylvia

I agree with your quote 100%, problem is not knowing how to get out of it. There still seems to be the same problem with Social Services as the person having to agree to the care plan. Seems to be totally mad, how can someone who stores their kindling wood in the fridge be able to make the right decision on their own welfare?

Thanks

Love Burf x x

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello - I think this is definitely emergency!! Pester the emergency line tomorrow until they act. Have you left the house in the tip it was in? - hopefully you have within reason so that they can identify the problem.

It is a dreadful situation and YOU need help. Let the powers that be decide whether it has to be sectioning or not.

Oh I do hope you get help tomorrow.

Love Jan

 

[jenniferpa]

Actually I believe it is now possible for them to make some form of competance determination to override a person's wishes.

I do think the quickest way, though, is through sectioning. I think I would be on the phone now to emergency social services, or tomorrow at the latest and say that he is not only a danger to himself but to others (I think water, electricity and kindling sounds a fairly explosive combination). You're going to have to be quite clear with them that you are not, can not, be responsible for him any longer and if something happens to him, they will be responsible.

THis is not the time for the stiff upper lip.

Love

 

[burfordthecat]

You must be feeling really frazzled

Hi Deborah

To be honest, I just feel numb and exhausted. I seem to be void of emotions. My husband is getting really concerned because he thinks that I am bottling it all up and it will all explode at a later date. Just as an example. today on entering the war zone of my Dad's house, I just thought "Oh well, better get things sorted no time to be upset" and I just got on with it all. Managed to get all the fires going for Dad and make him something to eat before leaving for an hours drive back home. Must admit though, did have a scare on the way back. I was on a dual carriage way driving at about 70mph and came up behind another vehicle which was doing about 30mph. Scary having to drop 40mph in a matter of meters. Thank goodness for anti-lock brakes and a dry road surface. I was not alone, there were a lot of others who were having to navigate the mobile chicane. I live to tell the tale for another day.

Love Burf x x

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Burf, oh good heavens, do take care! I had a narrow escape similar to yours a few years ago, on an icy road. When I slammed on the brakes belatedy, my car slid forwards and just managed to run sandwiched between two cars with only a wafer's grace on either side. I felt so chastened afterwards.

Look, I think from the sounds of things, that your local Social Services are taking you far too much for granted. You cannot guarantee your dad's safety and THEY have GOT to sort something out for him pronto.

I know what it is like to try to fill every gap on behalf of a parent with dementia, but it is no shame to recognise that you cannot do it all. That goes double when you have your own family to care for.

Very relieved to hear that you escaped injury, but I guess I'm feeling only a fraction of the relief that your family do. They need you in one piece, remember! Love Deborah xx

 

[JeanD]

A lot of us seem to have found Social Services won't act as long as they think someone else is taking the responsibility. I know it is hard but it seems the only way is to say you simply will not do it anymore. Let the house get in a bit of a mess until they come. Don't let them know you are still visiting.

As soon as they tick a box saying they are responsible, it will all start happening.

When my mum reached breaking point she had to tell Social Services that none of the family would help with dad, and sit there refusing to phone any of us to tell us what a mess she was in. They handed her the phone and ordered her to call her daughters, and she said "no, they have lives of their own, I am not doing it !". After that it was all Ok because they had simply become the responsible ones.

We were all waiting round the corner of course, but had been warned not to phone or be seen until they had gone.

It is terrible that we should have to play these games, but if it is the only way ....

love Jean

 

[Skye]

Actually I believe it is now possible for them to make some form of competance determination to override a person's wishes.

I do think the quickest way, though, is through sectioning. I think I would be on the phone now to emergency social services, or tomorrow at the latest and say that he is not only a danger to himself but to others (I think water, electricity and kindling sounds a fairly explosive combination). You're going to have to be quite clear with them that you are not, can not, be responsible for him any longer and if something happens to him, they will be responsible.

THis is not the time for the stiff upper lip.

Love

Brilliant reply from Jennifer.

Your dad is certainly a danger to himself, and if you're an hour's drive away, you can't possibly be held responsible.

I hope you manage to get some help today. If you can't get a section, you have to be tough and refuse to take reaponsibility. I know it's hard, you love your dad, but he needs more help than you can give him, with the best will in the world.

For his own sake, as well as yours and your family's, he needs supervision.

Love and hugs,

 

[gigi]

Hello Burf,

Sorry it's reached crisis situation with your dad...

Of course it's Sunday...mid way between Christmas and New Year..and I'm wondering if your dad's own GP will be around.

There should be a locum if not..

But the Duty Officer at Social Services should be able to sort something out...you really do need to stress the urgency and don't let them fob you off. Tell them your father's life is at risk here..which is true.

Thinking of you...and hoping for a positive outcome.

love gigi xx

 

[Chrissyan]

What a terrible situation to be in, I can't offer any better advice than has already been given. I hope you both get the help you need soon. Lots of love.

 

[Nebiroth]

A horrible situation. All you can do is to keep banging on all the door you can find to try to get the help you so desperately need.

The GP is good place to start, but really, there is not much that can be done there unless your Dad's deterioration is due to something specific and treatable (such as a urinary tract infection, this can make dementia symptoms much worse; a simple urine test can be done, and is nearly always the first thing a GP will look for in these situations).

Does your Dad come under the care of a dementia consultant, or get visits from a nurse (sometimes called Memory Nurses). If so, get in touch with them.

Most importantly, though, is to contact Social Services; you need to call their emergency number...it should be in the phone book, or on your local authority's website (it may be called out-of-hours).

You must insist that:

You cannot cope. This is very important, and keep repeating it.
Your Dad is putting himself in danger (and he most certainly is, between potentially burning the house down, to electrocuting himself, to either not taking medications or poisoning himself with things he thinks are medicines which aren't).
You must make it very clear that you cannot be held responsible for your Dad's safety and welfare and that you will no longer do it. This may sound heartless ans selfish, but it's not - most carers reach a point at which they can't manage things any longer. Carers are not professional nurses etc. Make sure you point out all the things that put your Dad at risk - write them down before calling, if that helps.
Do keep in mind that family members are under no legal obligation to care for relatives - but Social Services are. If family members can;t or won;t, then they MUST.

At the very least, your Dad needs an extensive package of care put into place. But sad to say, from the sound of things (unless there's something like that infection I mentioned) it does sound as though some sort of residential care might be the next step.

Unfortunately, this can be difficult if the patient refuses help - and nine times out of ten, people with dementia don;t think they have enything wrong with them. My Dad - who believed he was on an island on Indonesia running a fruit and veg company and that mum wasn;t his wife but was married to me - thought there was nothing wrong with him.

Sadly, in the end, sectioning may beed to be considered. This is a last resort. The criteria is that the patient is putting their own health/welfare and/or that of others at risk. Normally this takes agreement by two independent doctors and an approved social worker. Someone under Section Two is admitted to hospital for assessment for up to two weeks.

My Dad was finally sectioned because mum and I were at absolute breaking point and couldn't cope - it all happened quite suddenly with visits from doctors, social workers and ambulances late at night.

It;s not a pleasant experience, but sometimes it;s the only way.

You may find your Dad is willing to listen to "authority figures" like a nurse in uniform. Dad made an awful fuss until the ambulance arrived, but the uniformed ambulance attendants worked like a charm.

 

[burfordthecat]

Update on Dad

Hi

Sorry it has taken me so long to post. I did type a reply earlier today but it got lost in the ether. Decided to re-type my reply once I had more time, just in case it went walk about again.

Well, today I did not make a visit to dad. He sounded "better" this morning, had found his glasses and was also able to locate the Pivotell. I, personally was feeling exhausted and one of my children was ill. I took a calculated risk, rang dad several times during the day but decided not to pay him a visit. Obviously if anything has happened to dad then I will have to live with that on my conscience but I did put my own family first today, above the needs of dad.

However, I did not waste my day. I called my dad's "on call" GP service who were more than happy to spend time talking to me and advising me of what to do next. The bottom line is that I need to speak to dad's GP tomorrow, explain the severity of the situation and request a home visit together with mental assessment ASAP. On call GP said in no uncertain terms would dad's driving licence be revoked, at least until a proper assessment had been made. She said from what I had said that it is unlikely that he will drive again. (that smilie is for dad because I know that it is going to knock him really down to think that he will never be able to drive again - but in the scheme of things there are more people's safety to think about. )

So I will have to see what tomorrow brings. I have already decided that when the GP visits, I will arrange to meet her before we go to dad's and we will enter dad's house together. Then, if World War three has broken out again we will both see it as it is. Sounds rather harsh but something has to give and I cannot let it be me.

Burfordthecat

 

[Grannie G]

I wish you well for tomorrow Burford. At least I hope your father is unable to put on an act for the GP and she will see it how it is.
Please post an update.
Love xx

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello Burf

I also hope it goes well tomorrow X
Please let us know.

BarbX & Ron ZZ

 

[Sam Iam]

Hope all goes well for you and your Dad Burf. xx

 

[burfordthecat]

Hanging on in there - just

Hi

Well today, where do I start? Phoned dad's GP this morning and explained the situation. She said, we need to take away his car keys/stop the van working ASAP. Dad is not to drive again. I then had to speak to SS and advise them of the situation and see what they could do to help. Also arranged an appointment with the GP for dad to see if he had any infections (UTI and chest) which might be causing added confusion.

Well, the family arrived as dad's unannounced, Hubby went out to the van and made sure that it would not work again without some new bits. I took dad to the GP for his check up. GP could not find anything wrong. She was however concerned that his colour was bad and that he could be anaemic. Did another set of blood tests, now waiting for the results. GP said to dad that it would be a good idea for him to spend a couple of days in a Nursing Home whilst they completed tests and it would give him somewhere warm to stay. Dad got really upset and said "no thank you - that is not for me, I just want to go back to my own home. I am more than capable of looking after myself and do not want any strangers around me". However, when the GP left the room, dad went balistic. He said that it was all my fault, I am causing all of the problems. He will never leave his home and his does not intend having any strangers interfering with him.(went at me with both barrels)

On the drive home, I had a message from SS who said that they were sending a carer in this evening. I was not sure that dad would open the door to her. To my surprise he did, but boy did I know about it after she left. Dad was straight on the phone to me. Really, really cross. He said that he wanted this cancelled and that he had never agreed to it - knew nothing about it whatsoever. After about 15 mins of ear chewing, I had calmed dad down enough to explain that he had agreed to it and he was doing it for me.(I really piled on the emotional blackmail pressure). Reluctantly he said OK, he would continue with this as a trial for the next couple of weeks but after that it was to be cancelled.

What a day....the worse thing is so far that dad does not know that he is losing his licence and that he will be getting a visit from the psychiatrist at home in the near future to assess him mentally. That is if dad will even let him in the door.

I don't really feel as though I have made any progress but have managed to really upset dad today, possibly to the detriment of our relationship.

Does anyone have advice on how to tell someone that they have lost their licence when they are in total denial to anything being wrong. Once their is a diagnosis, do I just sit dad down and tell him this is how is is?

Burfordthecat