Hello I'm new to the group, my name is Julie

[julie.]

Hello my name is Julie,
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago, she's on daily medication and I would say her condition has declined slowly. However my beloved father passed away in July 2023 and since then life seems very difficult. My mother doesn't appreciate that I'm also grieving and finding it hard to come to terms with the loss. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her memory and she is in constant denial. Following my dads passing, mum has gone back to her own home, she isn't going out, I do all the shopping, cleaning , she constantly sits in front of the TV. I find it very difficult to talk to her without causing a row. My father use to say she was difficult at times, but it is only now I realise how bad she is. I'm an only child who hasn't got any support from siblings. I have broached the subject of carers/ cleaners but mum is adamant, no one will be allowed in the home. I have cancelled a holiday in February because i think it will be too stressful. I have a family, but i think it is too much responsibility for them as they have young children. I know i cant go on like this because it will start to affect my mental health. How would i arrange respite care and what are the cost implications.

Thankyou.

 

[jay6]

Hi Julie, hopefully you will get help on here. We are all going or been through it so learn from each other.
Have you tried talking to her GP or social services about your concerns? Might be the best place to start.
Unfortunately it is so common for PWD to think there's nothing wrong with them

 

[Kath610]

Hello my name is Julie,
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago, she's on daily medication and I would say her condition has declined slowly. However my beloved father passed away in July 2023 and since then life seems very difficult. My mother doesn't appreciate that I'm also grieving and finding it hard to come to terms with the loss. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her memory and she is in constant denial. Following my dads passing, mum has gone back to her own home, she isn't going out, I do all the shopping, cleaning , she constantly sits in front of the TV. I find it very difficult to talk to her without causing a row. My father use to say she was difficult at times, but it is only now I realise how bad she is. I'm an only child who hasn't got any support from siblings. I have broached the subject of carers/ cleaners but mum is adamant, no one will be allowed in the home. I have cancelled a holiday in February because i think it will be too stressful. I have a family, but i think it is too much responsibility for them as they have young children. I know i cant go on like this because it will start to affect my mental health. How would i arrange respite care and what are the cost implications.

Thankyou.

Hello my name is Julie,
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago, she's on daily medication and I would say her condition has declined slowly. However my beloved father passed away in July 2023 and since then life seems very difficult. My mother doesn't appreciate that I'm also grieving and finding it hard to come to terms with the loss. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her memory and she is in constant denial. Following my dads passing, mum has gone back to her own home, she isn't going out, I do all the shopping, cleaning , she constantly sits in front of the TV. I find it very difficult to talk to her without causing a row. My father use to say she was difficult at times, but it is only now I realise how bad she is. I'm an only child who hasn't got any support from siblings. I have broached the subject of carers/ cleaners but mum is adamant, no one will be allowed in the home. I have cancelled a holiday in February because i think it will be too stressful. I have a family, but i think it is too much responsibility for them as they have young children. I know i cant go on like this because it will start to affect my mental health. How would i arrange respite care and what are the cost implications.

Thankyou.

Hello @julie. welcome to this very supportive and understanding place.
Do you get any local support for your Mum? It may be useful to ask at her GP surgery to see what there is in her area.
My husband has Alzheimer’s, for almost 5 years now but was officially diagnosed last year. I had very little support from Social Services and Adult Social Care have been useless. I asked at our surgery and was told about DISS (Dementia Intensive Support Service) , who have been really good. I contacted them, they responded very quickly and look after the carers as well as the person with dementia. We are in Essex but I believe there are similar organisations in other counties. Your surgery should know.
Very best wishes xx

 

[LondonDaughter]

Hi @julie. Sorry to hear this. I'm also an only child with my own family looking after a widowed parent with dementia that is moving into mid stage. I recognise all you say. Sorry for your loss.
I moved onto insisting on a cleaner and introduced a carer later than I wanted/and was needed just once a week but it quickly increased to daily and now twice daily. Finding a second carer to split the shifts is more tricky I'm finding now. But you know your parent and what will and won't work. Its really hard to parent a parent but sometimes tough love is needed even if it causes rows.
Perhaps a GP could arrange a care needs assessment and say it is them who is insisting rather than you. This was how I finally had my Mum assessed as she had refused for years until the GP gently insisted. I know its not easy to communicate with GPs these days but worth a try and asking for help. I'd also suggest seeing your own GP to flag that you are a carer and finding it stressful and they may have advice.