hello and some advice please

[sarah62]

Hello, my mother has alzeimers and vascular dementia. She is bed bound due to an open foot ulcer that took 3 years to get better, but still quite lucid. She can hold a conversation but gets very confused and is convinced she can still walk. My father was her main carer but he died a year ago in an awful car accident. My younger brother(her favourite) died of a heart attack. so she only has me now and doesnt like me very much. she has always been a difficult person and upset people easily which means she has no friends or close family. My dad was completely different, kind, friendly, loving etc. When my dad died she was in hospital and he died on the way home from visiting her. Its been a terrible time. I managed to convince social services to let her come home with carers 4 times a day but it means she is alone at night. I live 2 hrs away and visit as often as i can but it is never enough for her. she complains all the time, nothing is right or good enough. she also cries alot about my dad and brother. I find it so stressful.Sometimes she call me 20 times a day plus i get calls when she pushes her emergency Carium line button many times a night or emergency services. She frequently calls 999 to get an ambulance or the police. She either tells them i have stolen all her money or i have locked her in her room and she cant get out. She also constantly asking to go home to her other house. she means her bedroom upstairs but doesnt understand that we cant get her up the stairs any more.
She asks all the time to visit my dads grave but doesnt understand that she cant walk any more and says that i am lying. i can only take her in the wheel chair in a black cab which is not easy to organise where she lives. She has to be hoisted into the chair and hates it.
she was recently in hospital and social services took the decision to put her into an assessment bed at a care home. Its really nice and i hoped she would like it but she calls me all day begging me take her home. I really dont know what to do any more. she's not happy at home or in the care home. I feel so guilty because of this. I dread visiting her as she is either crying or begging me or insulting me. She can be really nasty and says such hurtful things. It plays on my mind and is affecting my sleep and mental health.
I really dont know if i should bring her back to her home again.
I dont know how to make her understand that she cant walk any more or how to deal with her nastiness and accusations.
Sorry this is so long but im at my wits end and was hoping for some advice.

 

[SAP]

In all honesty @sarah62 , and this is just my opinion, you should leave her were she is. I can see that this is tough for you and you really have had a horrible time.
The reality is that your mum is not going to get to be better, she has dementia and this disease only gets worse. If she is now in a home, she is safe and cared for. You’ve said yourself, she won’t be happy what ever you do so why not do something that keeps her safe and gives you some respite. You need to grieve, you need to have space to adjust to the massive changes in your family. You need to be kind to yourself.
Finally , my take would be to not answer the phone every time or put it on silent, let the care home see to her needs and talk with her when you want to. Take care.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @sarah62 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. @SAP has given you good advice. It is in your mother's best interests to get the 24 hour care and support that is available in a care home. This is about what she needs not what she wants. As she gets used to the place she might become more settled and a bit happier. What has happened to her was not in your control. You have nothing to feel guilty about.