First day in care home. Now the house to sort.

[Starting on a journey]

I think alarm bells are ringing in my head reading this. I only experienced two care homes with mum and for short periods.
The first a respite care bed was reactive and mum left with sores on her arms , the second home was loving and caring , fetching mum for meals, working with her 1:1 on activities and spotting on admittance that her skin was problematic following a hospital stay.
They were both expensive but it was the home with the highest standards of furnishings and cleanliness and facilities that was the best.
Go with your gut feeling if it doesn’t feel right then get him out!

 

[SMBeach]

Well. Today’s meeting went really well. I had a long chat with the manager who was very understanding and responsive. She’d already looked into the buzzer incident (I’d said I’d waited what felt like 45 minutes) but was in fact 20 mins which she says is unacceptable. I said it would have been longer than 20 mins had I not gone out and got the carer who was sat at the desk where the room alarms were. She had said she first thought it might be during a handover but when she looked at the computer info she can see it wasn’t so there’s no excuse she took me to the computer where her nurse pulled up the info. The nurse too was understanding. She explained their average wait was 11 minutes. That’s not been my experience but assured me she was going to discuss it with all staff. She did explain staff were off sick with chest infections. It’s is a dementia home and staff apparebtky highly trained. How I’d know that is anyone’s guess. They are going to label dad’s wardrobe and light switches and what’s in each drawer so he knows where to look for things as that’s what he had at home. I just dint understand why these labels were not in place. They have one on the loo but that’s it. And the light switches are white on a white wall so difficult to see. Dementia home should have all this in place I feel but I’ve never seen that down south where I live so I guess it’s not surprising. Dad and I also had a long meeting with Lead Nurse who was also very pleasant. We discussed much of dads care and how I’d like him checked for loo visits regularly as he doesn’t like to bother people because he doesn’t understand who’s job it is to do what. It doesn’t help that care staff are in the same colours with just slight differences from the Nurses. So dad can’t tell who is who. We had a good day getting everything discussed and dad and I both felt positive afterwards. We sat in the main lounge today. Then I left dad to sit with everyone. Then he went off to the dining room for dinner and sat with 2 ladies and another gent. One lady seems to have a shine in dad and she keeps telling him how lovely he is but she’s very softly spoken and lovely but very touchy. Likes to stroke your back when talking to you etc. Dad was laughing and seemed to be enjoying himself but dad can do that just because it’s expected. I went to save him later on as I knew he’d been up there without me for about 3 hrs. He’d eaten and had drinks and I felt he’d need the loo but wouldn’t want to say. He finds it hugely embarrassing. He’d be too polite to just get up and leave. As we walked to his room I could hear noises that suggested he was struggling to hold things in so when we got to his room I immediately asked if he needed to go to the loo. I was surprised to hear him say no. Then less than a minute later he got short with me and basically made out I was holding him up from going to the loo even though I’d just asked and he said no. Things got a little heated after that when everything I suggested to make his reaching of bed controls etc easier was taken as an insult. Turned into an argument by dad with him gritting his teeth and his face going bright red. He got really loud and angry and carer arrived promptly on hearing him. The night just got worse with dad making out everything I did or said was wrong. Then we reminisced and he was ok fir a while. Now he’s upset because I’m leaving tomorrow. I video called him from my room not realising he was in the loo. He came out and shouted at the screen asking me why I was doing that. I apologised and told him I hadn’t realised. I can’t do right for doing wrong. He keeps saying it’s good if we can be open and honest about what’s happening and I said you do remember we have to sell the house to pay for your nursing fees and he said yes and asked what stage we were at. I was pleased to hear that but half expecting him to say where’s all my stuff. I don’t feel I have the right to just get rid of it. He may have left specific things to people in his will. How would I know? I’m sure I’m not allowed to see his will to find that out? And I feel I’m treating dad as though he didn’t exist but I have to clear the house to sell it. What would happen if dad decided on a clear thinking day that he wanted to go home before it was sold?? But owed too much to the care home and council to not sell? And what if I’ve already cleared the house out of all his belongings? He hasn’t had a capacity test although one has been requested. What if that test says he can still make decisions? I thought I could store some of his stuff but that will cost dad money. Money he needs to spend wisely as he will be eating into his savings and he has to keep paying his mortgage til it sells. More money coming out of his savings. It just all feels overwhelming. I feel it would be a lot easier if it was done after dad passes. This all feels as though I’m erasing his life while he’s still with us. I’ll feel awful if he asks what I’ve done with his stuff. I’d tell my brothers to go get from the house whatever they wish to keep or save from house clearance folk. I dint know I or they have the right to do that given we don’t know what is in dads will. It all feels very wrong. I don’t think dads even thought about the contents of his house. He just talks about his house. I feel I’m deceiving dad and just wiping him out. Anyone else had to do this when a parent went into care?

 

[Grannie G]

Anyone else had to do this when a parent went into care?

I did.

I asked for a week`s leave of absence to clear my mother`s house and it was the most upsetting situation anyone could be in.

I was metaphorically looking over my shoulder expecting her to walk in at any minute while I sorted what was to her, her precious possessions, some to charity, some for family to claim and some for the bin.

I don`t envy anyone this task but decided to have a week from work to get it sorted, rather than using evenings and weekends to prolong the agony.

 

[sdmhred]

I’m glad the meeting went well today @SMBeach. When is your next trip up? It must be so stressful being so far away from ur Dad and the house that needs clearing.

I usually visit mum in the evenings and I have to say I do have sympathy with the night staff. They are in the middle of helping mum on the loo and to bed with buzzers constantly going off - I’ve picked up a few residents constantly buzz so they have to keep an eye to see who it is to check it’s not someone massively in need.

We’ve just started the process of clearing mum’s stuff. I don’t know how I’m going to find it. I think I am trying at the same time to declutter myself so I can create space to keep the most ‘precious’ things. I am finding it completely overwhelming and that’s the practicalities let alone the emotional side. Mum has some insight so is aware we’re ‘sorting and giving to charity’, that’s helped give permission. Ive alos just told her well if you want a new one in the future we’ll buy one,

You never realise all this comes alongside a dementia diagnosis ….

 

[AmIgullible?]

I’m travelling to Scotland as I type this. Dad was taken to his new home (care home) and I just feel a little sad. Thinking about how it must have felt for him to leave his home after 30+ years and everything in it. He shared that hime with mum who passed in 2008. I know he’s going to a lovely care home but I just feel for him having to do that. He was picked up by the care home manager and a cadet plus enough stuff to get by til I arrive. I’ll be with him tonight. The care home have kindly allowed me to stay in their guest room for 3 nights as it’s a fleeting visit just to see dad settled with all his digital gadgets for us to keep in touch. But now I’ve got his home tk deal with as it needs to be sold to pay the fees. And it’s full of stuff. Everywhere. I’ve found a company that do this sort of house clearance but I’m aware of costs and don’t want to put too much in storage. Stuff that dad might have given to people his will. Nothing in the house is ours to take or throw out as dad is of course very much alive.

I’m hoping I can put what needs keeping into a small storage unit as dad will be paying for this on an ongoing basis and he needs his cash fir care home fees.

I dint want to tell dad I’m clearing the house out as I’m sure it will get him vet concerned and anxious that his life is just being erased which obviously isn’t what I’m doing.

I have no emotional tie to the house myself as I never lived there but dad does and I just want to do things sensitively. From 500 miles away. lol.

Anyway. I’m hoping dad is going to enjoy this care home experience. And hopefully make friends.

Yep. Been there this year. Cleared and sold her flat. Hundreds of thimbles and Swarovski ornaments. I’m a very minimalist person. To me this is tat. To her it was special. That makes the responsibility even greater. Stacks of wool, knitting needles. More towels than I’ve ever seen before. So many clothes.

But she doesn’t know any of it anymore, so I can’t even ask what she wants find with it.

But I echo another respondent on here. They hide things (especially valuables) so you have to go through EVERYTHING with a find tooth comb. I’ve found money, credit cards, bonds.

 

[SMBeach]

Because I live so far away I thought I’d take 10 days going through stuff to find what I think people will find valuable or sentimental. I found a credit card and a wallet of credit cards so I need to some how find stuff but his house really is quite hoarded so it’s an impossible task to go through everything. Dad still has clear days where he’ll ask questions or point out stuff. So it does feel wrong. Especially his musical instruments. I don’t have time to go looking for charity shops etc. I’m more inclined to just let a house clearance company come out and remove it all after I’ve gone through what I can. This sounds awful but I really don’t want anything from the house. I’m not even bothered about photos as I have plenty of my own. I feel I should want to take stuff but I really don’t. One of my brothers said be careful because the bronze statues and a couple of paintings on the wall were worth something (money terms) but I’m not interested in selling stuff. I don’t have time. There’s a lot to get done before getting the house on the market and I only have 12 weeks disregard then I’m sure the Care home will come looking for their money. They’ve already sent me an invoice for £9,000 as they take 4 weeks in advance and 2 weeks deposit. I note they haven’t deducted the money the council will be paying so I’m not sure why they’ve sent such a big bill. The council will pay them directly. That alone is causing me angst.

 

[canary]

Yes, clearing mums bungalow was the hardest thing I had to do.
I didnt tell mum I was clearing and selling it because I knew it would distress her, so it felt I was going behind her back and, yes, wiping her away while she was still alive.

I got a friend to help me and a bottle of wine helped too, but I still found I would find something at the back of a cupboard or drawer that reduced me to tears.

 

[DollyM1]

I too, along with my brothers and sister, have had to clear and sell dad’s house, in fact it was the brother who lived closest and my SIL who did almost everything. You mention that you have brothers, what are they doing to help in all of this? Sorry if I have missed something, but if one has already made comments about value, this might encourage them to assist.

 

[SMBeach]

They do absol

I too, along with my brothers and sister, have had to clear and sell dad’s house, in fact it was the brother who lived closest and my SIL who did almost everything. You mention that you have brothers, what are they doing to help in all of this? Sorry if I have missed something, but if one has already made comments about value, this might encourage them to assist.

They do absolutely zilch. Nothing at all. Even my younger brother who has no reason for not at least phoning dad, rarely does. He’s normally living in the Philippines with his family but actually been in the U.K. working since before covid. Having not see dad in 10 years since he moved there, he’s visited him once. Had a huge fall out with dad telling him to leave his house at 2am. My brother had driven 6 hrs to be there over Christmas during covid when no hotels etc were open. My brother had to drive all the way back at 2am then realised he’d left his computer at dads after getting 2 hrs into the journey and had to turn round again. He felt bad so gave dad the chance to apologise or at least put it all behind them but dad did his usual. He told my brother he looked forward to hearing my brothers explanations for some of the stuff he said about his childhood etc. My brother thought there’s no way dad’s putting anything behind them. He wants to ‘sort’ things out which means deep conversations which to be honest are really exhausting with dad. Even before his diagnosis. Such a detailed man. Always testing people. Always insisting on everything being out in the open and resolved. So I do get it. But my brothers never returned and only phoned him maybe three times in all this time since before Covid. My older brother has childhood issues with dad (not his blood son but brought up from very young age). He lives just 6 miles from dad. Even when I was in my first holiday in 5 years with the kids abroad, I asked my brother to arrange an engineer because dads boiler broke. He said no and that he’d made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with dad. My brother has explained his reasons and again I understand his feelings but nothing was said that was so bad it warranted treating someone like they didn’t exist especially going through what he is. My eldest brother felt dad embarrassed him at social functions by ‘coming on’ to female friends’ nothing sordid. Just making eyes and looking straight into the eyes of girls whilst smiling. etc As my brother is a good few years older than me he is aware of dad going off with another female, maybe two and mum turning up at my brothers door upset. All this combined with my dads ability to get over angry with his voice etc has caused my brother to want nothing to do. I get it. But what neither of them understand is that I’ve encountered more arguments with dad than they have out together. I had him turn up in my door after attending court because he was coming on to a female neighbour. Dad ended up staying fir over a year. During that time I found dads mind wasn’t normal. He forgot big things. Like test driving a car just half an hour ago. Or packing his car to go home again but then coming into the house to make a coffee or do something then never go back to his car so never went home. I have no doubt his Alzheimer’s was progressing then but we didn’t know that’s what it was and his flirting if you like is part of his character but it’s never intended to offend. He actually always believes people like it when you look straight into their eyes with a loving look. So I’ve not made dad sound great. Basically what I’m saying is all dads characters became ten fold when he was lonely and Alzheimer’s was progressing so it makes it even more difficult. So I’m on my own. At the end of the day dads never done anything so bad that it warrants us not caring about him. Dad is the sweetest loviest gentlemen. All the professionals say that. Almost everyone who meets him says that. He’s extremely emotional and sensitive. And so concerned about other people’s feelings and thoughts that he over empathies making it feel very unatural. That is him. He’s over polite. So. I dint want to fall out with my brothers. I do send all the voice messages dad leaves me into my younger brother who has never said he doesn’t want to see dad etc. just never does. So he hears dads messages and knows how bad he is but still doesn’t call him.

 

[DollyM1]

So I would give them one chance, and one chance only, to come and help with clearing the house regardless as to what may or may not be in any will. The will only comes into play when the person has passed. You are dealing with here and now

 

[CarolandVic]

Hi guys. I feel I’ve made a mistake. The hime is lovely. Gets fantastic reviews and a very good inspection report. But I don’t feel it. I’m not warming to the staff at all. Reviews of staff are all very good so I wasn’t expecting this. Dad is extremely confused. He’s also told me he’s very frightened. He’s told me he feels like he’s dying. He’s crying. The confusion is awful. He’s getting anxious about what he can and can’t ask from the carers. Will they come if a call them. He poo’d himself so I pressed the buzzer to show him how it worked but nobody came. 45 minutes later I went to get a girl and she came straight away with another girl. I was trying to be polite but wanted to get my point across about the buzzer and nobody coming. All I got in response was a straight faced blonde girl and she said yes we come as soon as we can. If we are busy with other residents then it takes time. Yet she was able to come immediately when I went out to get someone????? Made no sense. But it was the straight face I didn’t like. No warmth or compassion at all. Then after leaving dad I was starting to worry about him and asked another carer if they’d keep an eye on him as it’s his first night has Alzheimer’s and is very confused. She too had a straight face but did manage to make a frown as if I was asking something unreasonable. Then said yes we’re here all night. Well I know that but I was asking her to check in on dad. He’s so frail. Has a sore side with what feels like a bulge. I’m wondering if it’s a hernia. He’s in pain with it. So I’ll have to raise this. Not sure what would be fine about something like a hernia on an 81 year old man with Alzheimer’s. Dad says he doesn’t want to do any social stuff or get to know people. He’s mentioned before that he feels like he’s dying. I just burst into tears when I got to the guest room. I honestly feel like I’ve made a mistake. A friend said the night time staff are usually very different from day time staff in care homes but I can’t see why that would be. I’m very worried about leaving him. He keeps saying he’ll go upstairs to get something out his room and I have to remind him he’s in the care home. He doesn’t believe this is the same home that the lady showed him in the brochure. I sense it’s not what he expected. I can’t care gif dad at hime. He’s double in continent and I need to work from home. I don’t think it would be easy moving him either as it’s a long journey and would require a lot of organising. I just feel at my wits end and actually feel quite cruel leaving him. I’ll be here 2 more nights then back to Kent.

My mum was moved to a care home during covid, 'for her own safety' by a social worker. The home was chosen by the council and because my husband was terminally ill we were in complete lockdown and I wasn't able to visit her or the home. The home had 5 star reviews, looked beautiful and was expensive (mum was self funding) so I was reassured that it would be great. However when I was able to visit it became very obvious that it was little more than a prison. There were different floors for the variety of needs and the doors were locked. Mum was very unhappy and packed her belongings every day to go home. There was no secure garden and mum wasn't allowed out because she was a flight risk, The staff were efficient but not caring. She didn't go outside for two years. It took that two years to get her out of there. including three court hearings. She is now in a home near me. It doesn't have expensive carpets and furniture in the communal rooms but does have caring staff and a secure garden. She loves to go out there. She has been encouraged to plant seeds and tend to the flowers. I made sure that she had her own bed there before she arrived. She joins in with singing along to visiting volunteer musicians, she plays bingo, she makes cakes and also enjoys arts and crafts. I know this because the home puts photos of everything the residents do on their fb page, (after getting permission). She still asks me to take her home but that is to her childhood home, not the house she left to go into the care home. At 95 she is having the best life possible due to the caring staff. And incidentally this home costs half of the so-called luxury home she was in. My advice would be to take time to sort out a care home near to you. Visit the home and see what the residents and staff are like. The upheaval would be worth it in the long term.

 

[SMBeach]

Just having to face another move will kill me. It’s taking so much strength I just don’t have any more. So much money and time off work. I did find a hime down south where I loved the atmosphere of the residents all chatting. The home dad is in has fabulous activities but If he’s not happy there when the house is sold I will look to move him. I have no idea how to go about moving him from Scotland down south. Especially as he’s frail and doubley incontinent. The doors are locked in dad’s home too but the activities are really good. The residents walk over to the harbour and into town etc. Right now I need to focus on the house or we will get into financial difficulty with the home.

 

[SMBeach]

My mum was moved to a care home during covid, 'for her own safety' by a social worker. The home was chosen by the council and because my husband was terminally ill we were in complete lockdown and I wasn't able to visit her or the home. The home had 5 star reviews, looked beautiful and was expensive (mum was self funding) so I was reassured that it would be great. However when I was able to visit it became very obvious that it was little more than a prison. There were different floors for the variety of needs and the doors were locked. Mum was very unhappy and packed her belongings every day to go home. There was no secure garden and mum wasn't allowed out because she was a flight risk, The staff were efficient but not caring. She didn't go outside for two years. It took that two years to get her out of there. including three court hearings. She is now in a home near me. It doesn't have expensive carpets and furniture in the communal rooms but does have caring staff and a secure garden. She loves to go out there. She has been encouraged to plant seeds and tend to the flowers. I made sure that she had her own bed there before she arrived. She joins in with singing along to visiting volunteer musicians, she plays bingo, she makes cakes and also enjoys arts and crafts. I know this because the home puts photos of everything the residents do on their fb page, (after getting permission). She still asks me to take her home but that is to her childhood home, not the house she left to go into the care home. At 95 she is having the best life possible due to the caring staff. And incidentally this home costs half of the so-called luxury home she was in. My advice would be to take time to sort out a care home near to you. Visit the home and see what the residents and staff are like. The upheaval would be worth it in the long term.

Can I ask why you had to go to court? Moving a parent to a different care home that meets their needs surely shouldn’t be an issue? In my case it would be because I’m so far away from dad and I think everyone would agree that it can only be in dads best interest to be closer to family.

 

[SMBeach]

So I would give them one chance, and one chance only, to come and help with clearing the house regardless as to what may or may not be in any will. The will only comes into play when the person has passed. You are dealing with here and now

I’ve contacted my older brother and he will go to the house to remove anything he thinks is sentimental or valuable. I’m getting a house clearance company in to do it. There’s no way we could empty that house ourselves. We’d need several skips and there isn’t the space for a skip (I dint think). Dad has a garden big enough to put it in but it’s accessing the garden that’s the issue. The front of the house has a tiny bit of grass. So getting professionals in is the way to go I feel and it will get done much quicker.

 

[SMBeach]

Does anyone know the best time to move care home? I haven’t signed any contract yet. Once I sign the contract does it mean we have to pay some sort of get out fee? I’ve just been so busy with it all that I haven’t even read the contract yet. Mind you I dint expect dad will be happy in any home. He seems to expect care to be pro active which of course it should be but rarely is. Maybe he will be happy there when i next visit. Dad kept himself ‘busy’ at home. Pulling things apart, making things, creating all sort of half done projects. This is why his house became hoarded. But it kept him occupied. I worry that in any hime, there’s gaps between activities where he’ll just be bored. He struggles to put the tv on. Also, when dad was at home and he pressed his buzzer, he got the immediate reassurance of a voice at the end of the buzzer and an estimation to when they’d arrive. The community team were amazing. In the care home there is no voice. Dad presses a buzzer and it just flashes a light and say call is acknowledged on the screen. It’s written very faintly so dad wouldn’t see that then he’s just expected to wait for them to turn up. And if he didn’t answer the voice it was treated as an emergency. The hime wouldn’t know because they take so long to answer. I also think that being just a 3 year old building that they are still learning how to operate. There’s a lot I like about the hike but it’s not much better ‘care’ maybe not even as good as the care at home. The main difference is there’s company and conversation and activities. But my gut feeling is that gif me, I need to overlook care. I think I now know I’d rather he was down here. But obviously if I go visit and dad is saying he’s enjoying it, I might be happy to leave him. Or indeed give him the choice. There’s a lot of females on dads floor and conversation can be a bit childish or very small tallish which he’s never been one for. So I worry about that too. I have his screen set up for video calls but when I called it last night he shouted at me for calling on him as he was going to the bathroom which I hadn’t realised and apologised. So now I worry about calling him on it.

 

[SMBeach]

Also two people wandered into his room while I was there. It was very awkward for dad. He didn’t know what to do or say and he’s frail so he can’t move fast to get out of bed to encourage the person out of his room. There were no carers I could see so I walked the person back out of dad’s room but I worry they will lift stuff up and take it away. I dint want dad to worry about that stuff. There’s also a couple of ladies who walk around and open all the bedroom doors and whisper to each other as they do it which will I think be frightening to dad in his own room.

 

[sdmhred]

I think in terms of contract - it is 7 days within the trial period, and then probably after that 28days. You will need to check how long the trial period is.

 

[SMBeach]

👍I didn’t even realise there was a trial period. I will obviously read the contract though.