feeling very guilty

[delilah]

Hello, i am not used to using forums at all so please forgive me if i make any mistakes..i might not even be able to find this page again! Anyway, following my dads increasing memory loss and wanting to help my mum feel more supported, i have gently persuded my dad to get a scan and a diagnosis. I thought i was doing the right thing, so we could face things and get any help etc, but on Thursday we got a diagnosis of mixed dementia, and found out that dad has to inform the dvla who may revoke his driving license. To be honest i think we knew about the dementia really, so that was horrible but kind of expected, for dad to lose his license so.soon though would be very difficult for him as both of their social lives and hobbies rely on using the car ( mums mobility is not good)
now i feel so bad for progressing his diagnosis...driving is one of the things he does well still and i feel fine in the car with him. I'm guessing feeling guilty is a common response and i know that's the least of our problems...but any words of advice would be very welcome! Thanks

 

[Spamar]

I was in the same position. My OH appeared to me to be driving well, he just kept getting lost! Mostly on the country lanes as they just signposted intermediate villages, rather than main town. Once he found sign post for that, he was fine. DVLA withdrew his license immediately. Really really annoyed! However, within three months his mixed dementia got worse and I had to concede they were right.
He did try an assessment, but was rejected because he didn't have the strength to put his foot firmly on the brake! Whether that was because the brake was very stiff, he didn't understand or what I have no idea.
I wasn't allowed to sell his pickup, which we both adored, for another year!
Incidentally, six years on, he occasionally says he should get his license back as it's not fair to leave all the driving to me!!!

 

[jeany123]

Hello delilah there are a few threads about this on here perhaps you would like to read them.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?70114-DVLA-e-mail-service-to-report-drivers
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?70119-How-to-tell-my-Dad-he-can-never-drive-again
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...her-assessments.-I-am-at-my-wits-end-with-him.

Best wishes Jeany x

 

[marionq]

Hello, i am not used to using forums at all so please forgive me if i make any mistakes..i might not even be able to find this page again! Anyway, following my dads increasing memory loss and wanting to help my mum feel more supported, i have gently persuded my dad to get a scan and a diagnosis. I thought i was doing the right thing, so we could face things and get any help etc, but on Thursday we got a diagnosis of mixed dementia, and found out that dad has to inform the dvla who may revoke his driving license. To be honest i think we knew about the dementia really, so that was horrible but kind of expected, for dad to lose his license so.soon though would be very difficult for him as both of their social lives and hobbies rely on using the car ( mums mobility is not good)
now i feel so bad for progressing his diagnosis...driving is one of the things he does well still and i feel fine in the car with him. I'm guessing feeling guilty is a common response and i know that's the least of our problems...but any words of advice would be very welcome! Thanks

This is one of the reasons you need to apply for Attendance Allowance and after that council tax reduction. This money will help to pay for taxis or a friend to drive them around in their car.

Please allow Age UK or someone like that to help fill in the forms as they know the trigger words and phrases. You might also consider a Befriender from the Alz Soc to take him to hobbies and give Mum a break.

Definitely consider having a once a month grocery delivery from one of the supermarkets with the big items or heavy items. I find this a Godsend. Your Mum could give you a list to input onto the website.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello delilah

What a shock you`ve had.

I really do not believe you have done him a disservice by getting a diagnosis. However hearth reaching the diagnosis it it`s best to have it than wondering and floundering for years.

As for the driving, that seems to be one of the biggest losses to those with a diagnosis. Some people do manage to appeal and keep their licence but I`m sure, if your dad is considered a danger to himself and others you would not want him to drive.

To keep your Thread where you can access it easily, go to the top of the page to Thread Tools and the drop down box will show you how to subscribe to the Thread.

 

[Eleonora]

My husband also suffers from mixed dementia, and it was his driving that first alerted me to the idea that something was not quite right.

We had lived in France for many years, and he regularly drove us back to UK several times a year to visit our family.
He had always been a very competent driver, with fifty years of accident free driving behind him - so I too felt very happy to be in a car with him.

Then, one evening, batting along a major road just outside a French city, we came to a huge roundabout; and he drove straight across the middle of it!
No breaking, no sign that he thought something had gone wrong. It was terrifying.

French drivers always feel free to signal their views on other drivers' mistakes, and the cacophony was horrendous. My dear husband looked totally bemused at the noise - he had no idea what had happened.

Alzheimer's, as you can imagine, is very unpredictable.

Would you really want to see anyone, even your father, (who's concentration is now fallible) at the wheel of a two-ton vehicle?
That's the question you are going to have to ask yourself.

I suspect you would you feel even more guilty if he were to be the cause of injury, (or even death) because his attention was not fully engaged. After all - all car drivers are in charge of what is actually, a lethal weapon.

 

[delilah]

thank you so much for your supportive comments

As I thought, I found it difficult to work out where I had posted and how to navigate the site...my problem, not the site's, I'm a REAL newbie. But then I found all of these replies and ended up having a bit of a relief cry. I keep thinking oh all of this doesn't apply to my Dad because he's not so bad, because that's the easiest thing to think, but he isn't alright and however hard this is now, it would be so much harder if he had an accident and hurt himself or someone else, so we have filled in the form for the DVLA and now we wait! Thankyou for the advice about finances too. i'm thinking I might try and get Mum to some to the crisp sessions at their local society so we can find some positives to focus on...but thanks