Hello @monkeygirl15 . It does really help to know we're not alone with these conflicting feelings, so thank you for posting. I still haven't tried an outdoor distanced visit to my mum. I told the care home that I daren't even risk it for her birthday tomorrow, as she is extremely volatile at the moment. I thought I'd feel better after making that decision (obviously I have sent flowers and gifts) but I think I feel worse with the full weight of the guilt monster on my shoulders. I expect, after all this tying myself in knots, mum will have a perfectly nice day tomorrow and not even notice that I haven't visited since March ... unless I do go after all ? AAARGH! Perhaps I'll just 'phone in the morning and decide then ....