Feeling depressed and confused about visiting restrictions.

Chaplin

Registered User
May 24, 2015
81
Bristol
I’ve been writing to Matt Hancock, Boris Johnson and my MP almost weekly about the inconsistency being applied in care homes just in our local area! I’ve had a zero response from all of them! This Friday is my mum’s birthday and me and dad have a 20 minute socially distant visit planned! With the spike in cases I can barely sleep worrying the home will cancel our visit! Mum is really struggling at the moment and her quality of life is severely affected by the lack of contact with her family whom she seen everyday, pre lockdown! She says she’s all alone in the world and abandoned by her family! It’s tough to hear this but how must she feel to even say these things! Cruel and inhumane is the only way to sum this up!
 

mydiamondmum

Registered User
Nov 10, 2015
166
Chaplin, I know it has already been mentioned on this thread but just in case you missed it please check out 'John's Campaign' and 'Rights for Residents' on Facebook and Twitter as there is a growing number of relatives who feel the same they are taking action we should all join together on this..... I feel you pain ... I didn't even get to see my mum on her 91st birthday
 

Kellyr

Registered User
Aug 8, 2020
84
I’ve been writing to Matt Hancock, Boris Johnson and my MP almost weekly about the inconsistency being applied in care homes just in our local area! I’ve had a zero response from all of them! This Friday is my mum’s birthday and me and dad have a 20 minute socially distant visit planned! With the spike in cases I can barely sleep worrying the home will cancel our visit! Mum is really struggling at the moment and her quality of life is severely affected by the lack of contact with her family whom she seen everyday, pre lockdown! She says she’s all alone in the world and abandoned by her family! It’s tough to hear this but how must she feel to even say these things! Cruel and inhumane is the only way to sum this up!
Really feel for you and the upsetting thing is just when all the campaigns around visits were starting to gain momentum, the powers that be are talking up the increase in cases in carehomes again...very convenient ! If there has been a genuine rise, the carehomes should be looking at their failures in infection control as its obviously being brought in by the staff but we we will still get penalised and outdoor visits stopped which doesnt make sense scientifically. Really hope you get your visit fingers x'd 🤞
 

SKD

Registered User
I have my fingers crossed that I can finally visit Mum this Friday - I was due to visit a month ago but two positive test results (probably false positives) put the home back into lockdown. I live a long way from Mum but prior to lockdown was visiting every 3 weeks, having lunch, looking at photos and holding her hand. I haven't seen her since February. In some ways this has given me a much needed break (and mother in law has who is still living independently at home has needed far more support) but I am now very nervous about Fridays' visit - I am pretty sure Mum's knowledge of me was fading and her speech is poor. I am trying to think of a list of things to chat about - reminding myself that the sound of my voice is the important thing. One thing is difficult for me - the home is only doing visits Monday-Friday - as I still work and live a 4 hour drive away this makes life quite difficult. Is this usual? And after that I have to go straight on to a family funeral!
 

mydiamondmum

Registered User
Nov 10, 2015
166
Far too much power has been handed over to care homes in my opinion ... I am going to say it again... Rights for Residents and John's Campaign ... bother on Facebook and Twitter
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
706
That's going to be a long day @SKD . I hope you can have a glass of wine at the end of it or a treat of some sort. If you are used to showing your mum photographs, are you able to take enlarged copies of photos with you for your visit (laminated would be good if possible, although you may get a bit of glare from the sun) so you can hold them up and talk about them? I used to visit my mum every day but really depended on either being able to take her out in her wheelchair, going through colourful magazines, or giving her a manicure. I have not tried an outdoor distanced visit. I hope it goes well for you.
 

SKD

Registered User
That's going to be a long day @SKD . I hope you can have a glass of wine at the end of it or a treat of some sort. If you are used to showing your mum photographs, are you able to take enlarged copies of photos with you for your visit (laminated would be good if possible, although you may get a bit of glare from the sun) so you can hold them up and talk about them? I used to visit my mum every day but really depended on either being able to take her out in her wheelchair, going through colourful magazines, or giving her a manicure. I have not tried an outdoor distanced visit. I hope it goes well for you.
Magazines used to be a lifeline during visits - but sitting alongside her won't now be possible. Large photos is a good idea. I have a glass of wine and meal planned for the evening which I hope will help me decompress.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,639
Bedford
Mum’s care home only do visits Sun, Mon and Tue. I think they only manage the Sunday There because the Activities coordinator and the receptionist facilitate the ‘visits’ rather that the Carers.
ironic because in the past I think they relied on relatives at the weekends to ‘look after’ the residents
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,513
I have my fingers crossed that I can finally visit Mum this Friday - I was due to visit a month ago but two positive test results (probably false positives) put the home back into lockdown. I live a long way from Mum but prior to lockdown was visiting every 3 weeks, having lunch, looking at photos and holding her hand. I haven't seen her since February. In some ways this has given me a much needed break (and mother in law has who is still living independently at home has needed far more support) but I am now very nervous about Fridays' visit - I am pretty sure Mum's knowledge of me was fading and her speech is poor. I am trying to think of a list of things to chat about - reminding myself that the sound of my voice is the important thing. One thing is difficult for me - the home is only doing visits Monday-Friday - as I still work and live a 4 hour drive away this makes life quite difficult. Is this usual? And after that I have to go straight on to a family funeral!
I took enlarged photos printed out on A4 paper and that was very successful. It gives you plenty to talk about and you can go through them a few times. How long is your visit going to be for ? Be aware the CH may not let you use their toilets !
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
512
That's not right @Bikerbeth , only having such limited access for visiting. It takes no longer to bring a resident out to the garden than taking one to the toilet. Is your mum's care home one that has a member of staff "sitting guard"! If that's the reason , they just need more trust. Ive just been to stay with my sister for a long weekend and my daughter and I had a visit with mum, no masks, just had our temperatures taken, and in the garden, then my husband and I had a visit another day. The manager feels it's important for residents to see family, and is getting an indoor room ready. I do wonder what will happen tho if cases in care homes rise nationally. Will it be lockdown? There needs to be consistency in care homes. It must be hard for you and families of other residents to work around the limited availability.
 

SKD

Registered User
My visit is for 30 minutes - which is short given the journey time - but may well seem very long when thinking of things to say. I'll certainly take the photos. Good point re the toilets - fortunately there should be other options nearby.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,639
Bedford
That's not right @Bikerbeth , only having such limited access for visiting. It takes no longer to bring a resident out to the garden than taking one to the toilet. Is your mum's care home one that has a member of staff "sitting guard"! If that's the reason , they just need more trust. Ive just been to stay with my sister for a long weekend and my daughter and I had a visit with mum, no masks, just had our temperatures taken, and in the garden, then my husband and I had a visit another day. The manager feels it's important for residents to see family, and is getting an indoor room ready. I do wonder what will happen tho if cases in care homes rise nationally. Will it be lockdown? There needs to be consistency in care homes. It must be hard for you and families of other residents to work around the limited availability.
Yes do they have a staff member sitting guard which is the Local Authority guideline. They have compromised with me so far as Mum gets very ‘paranoid’ about people listening in by not having a staff member present but I have to see her behind a window with restricted opening and her bedroom door has stay open.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,871
My mother's care home has finally released it's plans for visits other than ones over the garden gate. Each floor has separate arrangements and visits will be for thirty minutes within limited hours. I'll phone next week and book a slot and depending how that goes try to return to visiting weekly.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
512
It must make you and other families feel they don't trust you @Bikerbeth . No one wants to do anything that will put their loved one in danger. It just shows how different the care homes are. Good news about visits @Sarasa , will these be inside?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,639
Bedford
I
My mother's care home has finally released it's plans for visits other than ones over the garden gate. Each floor has separate arrangements and visits will be for thirty minutes within limited hours. I'll phone next week and book a slot and depending how that goes try to return to visiting weekly.
I hope the new style visits go better for you both
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,639
Bedford
It is the usual story @anxious annie. The Care Home day it is the local authority and showed me the local guidelines. When I raised with the council they say government. Just been a bit busy at the moment then will start fighting again.