Feeling bad about mum going into a care home after a fall at home

[lynnefisher]

Found the right place for introducing myself so here's me again....

Hi there, good to be here...

After helping my mum with undiagnosed dementia keep on living in her beloved bungalow which my father built for her , she's now in a care home with my first proper visit being yesterday. And that was naturally awful.

I live 80 miles away from her, and my sister and I have been working together after mum had a bad fall 5 weeks ago and broke her ankle in the bungalow. Hospital stay ensued then social worker wanted her to be discharged after about a week into a form of 24 hour care. Then a stressful time ensued. The care home is excellent with good ratings, plenty of experience with dementia but its not her home and yesterday I saw her so resigned, confused, shuffling around on a zimmer frame with a massive moon boot on for her ankle.

Mum was twice assessed by mental health in the past and passed the tests, given the mild cognitive impairment diagnosis with short term memory loss only. After the fall she's a different lady with far worsened dementia and after doing all her own meds at home plus her eye drops, and looking after herself, she was assessed as needing 24 hour care. And they are right, she now does.

I feel as if I've lost the mum who kept ringing me for reaasurance, the mother I ordered a weekly shop for, the mother who I helped with jigsaws and kept chosing new ones for her to do. The dementia has rendered her confused, dependent, vulnerable. Driving away leaving her in the hospital and then driving away leaving her in the care home was heart wrenching. She's been an amazing mother living on her own independently for 19 years after my father died and though I know she's not dead, it feels somewhat like she is.

Sorry I didn't mean to type so much, but again, glad to be here and very best wishes to everyone.

 

[Collywobbles]

My heart goes out to you Lynne. As you read around this forum, you’ll find so many folks who’ve gone through the same situation and feelings.

You’ve done your utmost to keep your Mum safe, although it doesn’t feel like it just now. She will settle in her new home. Better times are ahead.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @lynnefisher and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your mum’s broken ankle but it is so good that you are happy with the care home that she is in, it must be some relief that she is well cared for.

The pain from the ankle, her subsequent hospital stay and then the move to the care home will have caused the confusion that you have observed. This must be so hard for you and your sister after your mum being so independent for so many years, but she is still the mum that you so obviously love.

Hopefully some of the confusion that you observed will ease as your mum’s condition improves and the moon boot is removed, but there is no guarantee that she will go back to where she was before her accident. It does sound as if the care home is now the right place for your mum. You will still be caring for her just in a different way.

 

[SherwoodSue]

I assume you are in the UK and therefore the time of your posting shows how things have moved on. I can’t sleep when I am upset either.

Someone explained to be that your mum isn’t unwell because she fell, she fell because she is unwell. Yes, it’s all part of a vicious circle with hospital doing no one with D any good, but it reminds us that there is a downward trajectory at work whatever we do and do not do.

You and your sister know you have done the right thing to keep your mum safe. Our hearts won’t keep up. Though will they. I face time my mum a lot and the lady at the other end is so altered now😭

I think we have to roll with our grief but not guilt

A buddy in bereavement
xxxx

 

[Tabitha2]

My mother fell and broke her pelvis a couple of years ago (aged 95 and carer for my Dad with mixed dementia) and came out of hospital a completely different woman. I have lost my best friend and confidante and am watching both my parents become like children. They now have 4 carers and day and, in my view, no quality of life. I would love for both of them to go into residential care where they would have company, better food, activities, and help more readily available if needed, but they want to stay at home.

Your mum is safe and cared for, and you have managed to help her stay independent for as long as was possible. Her confusion may improve over time (my mother's did a little, and there are occasions when she is like her old self, but they are few and far between and fleeting), so you are right, you are grieving the loss of your mother even though she is still alive. This is a new phase of life for both of you, which will be hard, but don't feel guilty about things you cannot change. You did your best for her before, and I know you will do your best now, just in a different way.

 

[lynnefisher]

My heart goes out to you Lynne. As you read around this forum, you’ll find so many folks who’ve gone through the same situation and feelings.

You’ve done your utmost to keep your Mum safe, although it doesn’t feel like it just now. She will settle in her new home. Better times are ahead.

Thank you!

 

[lynnefisher]

I assume you are in the UK and therefore the time of your posting shows how things have moved on. I can’t sleep when I am upset either.

Someone explained to be that your mum isn’t unwell because she fell, she fell because she is unwell. Yes, it’s all part of a vicious circle with hospital doing no one with D any good, but it reminds us that there is a downward trajectory at work whatever we do and do not do.

You and your sister know you have done the right thing to keep your mum safe. Our hearts won’t keep up. Though will they. I face time my mum a lot and the lady at the other end is so altered now😭

I think we have to roll with our grief but not guilt

A buddy in bereavement
xxxx

Thank you! 'our hearts won't keep up' is exactly right. All the logical steps and actions, staying in control, trying to be cheerful for our loved one and then the heart says, What? This is terrible! This can't be happening... So here's hoping the heart can play catch up later on.

 

[lynnefisher]

My mother fell and broke her pelvis a couple of years ago (aged 95 and carer for my Dad with mixed dementia) and came out of hospital a completely different woman. I have lost my best friend and confidante and am watching both my parents become like children. They now have 4 carers and day and, in my view, no quality of life. I would love for both of them to go into residential care where they would have company, better food, activities, and help more readily available if needed, but they want to stay at home.

Your mum is safe and cared for, and you have managed to help her stay independent for as long as was possible. Her confusion may improve over time (my mother's did a little, and there are occasions when she is like her old self, but they are few and far between and fleeting), so you are right, you are grieving the loss of your mother even though she is still alive. This is a new phase of life for both of you, which will be hard, but don't feel guilty about things you cannot change. You did your best for her before, and I know you will do your best now, just in a different way.

Thank you so much!

 

[lynnefisher]

Hello @lynnefisher and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your mum’s broken ankle but it is so good that you are happy with the care home that she is in, it must be some relief that she is well cared for.

The pain from the ankle, her subsequent hospital stay and then the move to the care home will have caused the confusion that you have observed. This must be so hard for you and your sister after your mum being so independent for so many years, but she is still the mum that you so obviously love.

Hopefully some of the confusion that you observed will ease as your mum’s condition improves and the moon boot is removed, but there is no guarantee that she will go back to where she was before her accident. It does sound as if the care home is now the right place for your mum. You will still be caring for her just in a different way.

Thank you!