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Feel so Guilty

JJ62

Registered User
Nov 9, 2019
10
[ I am in such a quandary, my thoughts at the moment are to bring her home and have day care 3 or 4 days a week to combat the loneliness (she has been going 1 day a week for the past 9 months and enjoys it) then fetch her to my house until evening, take her home and settle her to bed. My son has said he will stay with her 2 or 3 nights to help out. Has anyone else tried this angle. My head is all over the place just now, I am so mixed up.
you need to think hard before you do this. just because she had company yesterday/3 days a week/an hour ago/daytime/evening I dont think its ever enough if they need company in the moment. Often the person doesn't have the memory to hold that someone has been with them all day. just the 'now' that they are on their own and lonely NOW. What is given is never enough. mostly as the don't retain it.
its also to do with the overwhelming fear they often have. something is wrong but unsure what....creates fear and worry and being alone/lonely is the biggest thing they can articulate into the moment. someone being there can 'fix' the worry ......the need becomes 24/7[/QUOTE]

Thanks. I totally understand what you are saying, I want to do what is right for Mum and in my heart I know the CH is not the answer at the moment. I am trying to formulate a plan whereby I can give 24 hour cover. On paper it is workable as my daughter and son say they will help out. Day care is the big issue but I am arranging meeting with care worker this week. On a positive note, when Mum goes to sleep, nothing wakes her up, or hasn't yet... it must be an awfully scary world to live in fear, such a cruel illness.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,858
North West
They certainly do..
Yes they do, whatever the realtionship before the dementia, it drives them to become intensely focussed. To the point it doesn't matter what went on before, all of that doesn't matter anymore, you are faced whatever the realtionship you have with someone who is experiencing advancing dementia with a dilemma and a disease you can't win over
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,607
cornwall
Yes they do, whatever the realtionship before the dementia, it drives them to become intensely focussed. To the point it doesn't matter what went on before, all of that doesn't matter anymore, you are faced whatever the realtionship you have with someone who is experiencing advancing dementia with a dilemma and a disease you can't win over
Mine was never good with dad.Funnily enough at this moment in time it is easier even though he can manipulate.Or should I say TRY.It doesn’t work now as I know the game.When I was younger I didn’t.
 

Maggie

Registered User
Quote but can people suffering this dreadful illness still be so cunning and manipulative? I am in such a quandary, my thoughts at the moment are to bring her home and have day care 3 or 4 days a week to combat the loneliness (she has been going 1 day a week for the past 9 months and enjoys it) then fetch her to my house until evening, take her home and settle her to bed. My son has said he will stay with her 2 or 3 nights to help out. Has anyone else tried this angle. My head is all over the place just now, I am so mixed up. Quote

I was told from a mental health nurse when my mother was Diagnosed.
That what ever the person Personality was like before the dementia.
The dementia Disease will Magnify the personally of the person .

I went on hoilday left my mother with my adult children.
My son said he would look after mum all will be fine .

As my mother Cognitive impairment declined, she became very clingy and needy .
My mother would Shadow me if not her Anxiety would get worse .
My son would not believe it until he personally experience this stage of my mother Dementia.

ever Individual person Experiences symptoms of dementia differently depending on what type of dementia the person has & what stage the person is in.

Can your mother be left alone at home without wondering out into the street & putting herself into danger ?
When she is left alone at home without the company of your son staying few nights a week ?
 

JJ62

Registered User
Nov 9, 2019
10
I am confident mum would not go wandering. She has always been scared of doing anything on her own, never been on a train or bus etc on her own. So hard to believe but always had to have someone with her. Losing her constant companion of 61 years was massive they did absolutely everything together. Dad has a lot to answer for really he could have helped her become more independant. She had no idea of finances, has never sorted bills, written a cheque, quite sad really. Dad was ill for 6 weeks before he passed but he knew mum was not right, evidently he refused to let her be tested so was very much in denial but he never said anything to me, just asked me to look after her and said she would take some looking after.....
Still not sure where I am going with this but on paper I have got a plan givng 24 hour support for her but will it work in practice. I know I cannot do 7 days a week like I have done over the past year but still want to do the best I can for Mum. Sorry I seem to be rambling but need to get things off my chest a bit.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,858
North West
I am confident mum would not go wandering. She has always been scared of doing anything on her own, never been on a train or bus etc on her own. So hard to believe but always had to have someone with her. Losing her constant companion of 61 years was massive they did absolutely everything together. Dad has a lot to answer for really he could have helped her become more independant. She had no idea of finances, has never sorted bills, written a cheque, quite sad really. Dad was ill for 6 weeks before he passed but he knew mum was not right, evidently he refused to let her be tested so was very much in denial but he never said anything to me, just asked me to look after her and said she would take some looking after.....
Still not sure where I am going with this but on paper I have got a plan givng 24 hour support for her but will it work in practice. I know I cannot do 7 days a week like I have done over the past year but still want to do the best I can for Mum. Sorry I seem to be rambling but need to get things off my chest a bit.
You have to do what you feel you can do to help her. If you have a plan and it will work then give it a go. We are all here if you get stuck or need some moral support. There are no right answers to this so go with your istinct if you feel that is the best thing, there is always room to change things later
 

JJ62

Registered User
Nov 9, 2019
10
Thanks your comments are really appreciated. Got a meeting arranged for Monday, so going to keep Mum where she is for now. Can fine tune the plan and give me a bit of a break at the same time.
 

JJ62

Registered User
Nov 9, 2019
10
Not been on here for a while so update first. I took Mum out of the care home, got 3 days day care for her which was good for her but not so much for me as I still had to take her, pick her up, sort tea etc. Anyway I managed until coronovirus emerged. As Mum is so needy, cannot cook, do her tablets, sort her clothes the list could go on, I decided to bring her to my house and isolated together ( plus her budgie). A friend who is 72 is also here so I do have 'normal' conversations for which I am so grateful. However I am now on day 49 and patience is wearing thin, no matter what I tell Mum, 2 minutes later its forgotten, she wants to go home starts ranting and raving then cries. I try to stay calm and just walk away but it is so difficult. I am not too well myself but she doesn't see that so today I told her that if she didn't want to be here then she would have to go in a care home as she is incapable of looking after herself. More tears, nobody wants me etc same old mantra. I know its the dementia/alzheimers but I'm at my wits end with her. Got so many different things to do knitting in a fashion (she really cannot remember how to knit, so simple squares only) colouring, jigsaws, magazines, best thing is a rubiks cube, even I can't do that! Mum has always been spoilt, selfish and used to getting her own way, but if I'm honest she is not my Mum anymore. Don't know where I am going with this, think I just needed to get things off my chest a bit and see if there is anyone else going through the same thing. Thanks.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,998
Bristol
It is so hard, JJ62. 7 weeks of isolation with no breaks and no day care will take its toll on anyone. Compassionate communication thread is a good guide to going with the flow, accepting the confusion and distracting someone with dementia, but its hard to do some days. It is good that you have a friend to talk to you, hold on to that if you can.
My partner has been up and down a lot during lock down and it's only daily walks and music that have got me this far, so I know something of what you are trying to do as your patience wears thin. Sorry, too much cider to make sense, but you are not alone on here.
 

JJ62

Registered User
Nov 9, 2019
10
It is so hard, JJ62. 7 weeks of isolation with no breaks and no day care will take its toll on anyone. Compassionate communication thread is a good guide to going with the flow, accepting the confusion and distracting someone with dementia, but its hard to do some days. It is good that you have a friend to talk to you, hold on to that if you can.
My partner has been up and down a lot during lock down and it's only daily walks and music that have got me this far, so I know something of what you are trying to do as your patience wears thin. Sorry, too much cider to make sense, but you are not alone on here.
Thank you. Just had another conversation "I'll get myself off home tomorrow ". To me it is absolutely awful not having any memory but I suppose PWD are totally oblivious. We are all stressed at the moment but no amount of talking helps Mum, just stresses me more. I think in her mind she thinks she can look after herself but the reality is so different. I have tried music, singing anything to make her smile but all to no avail. I sometimes think she likes to be miserable. She is 87 now so I asked what she did on VE day, she can't even remember that, what a cruel illness this is...think I will take a tip from you, I don't like cider but might hit the gin.