Empty Future

[Saffie]

I’m so pleased that it was a more positive experience than you anticipated.
You did well to manage to do a reading. I broke down at my brother-inlaw’s funeral reading a poem as it brought back my husband's the previous year.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

So pleased it went as well as possible, it's a brave and wonderful thing to be able give a reading and say something yourself.

 

[Grannie G]

Im so pleased for you @Monkton.

 

[Monkton]

Nothing brave, just seemed the right thing to do.It surprised me that I was supporting other people. Tears came close twice, but did not happen, I tried to give her dignity. There were other folk with tears because of how they miss her.
I now have to settle into a new world without my lovely Chrissie, I can do no more for her except visit the grave. There is a big hole in my life, my world has fallen appart, but I cannot change that so have to go day by day or moment by moment.
Thanks again for all the support given on here.

 

[Saffie]

Nothing brave, just seemed the right thing to do.It surprised me that I was supporting other people. Tears came close twice, but did not happen, I tried to give her dignity. There were other folk with tears because of how they miss her.
I now have to settle into a new world without my lovely Chrissie, I can do no more for her except visit the grave. There is a big hole in my life, my world has fallen appart, but I cannot change that so have to go day by day or moment by moment.
Thanks again for all the support given on here.

Small stepping stones to start with. Best of luck.

 

[Loopiloo]

Thank you for writing @Monkton, I have been thinking about you. You did very well indeed and I am pleased for you.

There is a big hole in my life, my world has fallen appart, but I cannot change that so have to go day by day or moment by moment.

Yes, it is a huge hole in your life, there will be better days at times and very hard ones as well. Yes moment by moment sometimes. I wish you strength and do come here when you need to 'let it out'. Thinking of you.
Loo xx

 

[Amethyst59]

@Monkton ...you did a reading and said something too? Oh, very well done. How proud Chrissie would have been and what an example for your children. It will be a life long comfort to you that you did this today. I am so pleased for you. Yes, and now the hard and tiring work of grieving continues...but hopefully your friends and family will continue to surround you with love. And we are all still here for you, whenever you want to visit.

 

[Izzy]

Thank you all for your support. It went very well and contrary to my expectations I was supporting other people.. I even managed a reading and a brief word. Will report more later, but was sunny and respectful for my lovely Chrissie. Thank you all again.

That is such good news. As always, wishing you strength.

 

[caqqufa]

I don't think you can stop loving someone just because they've passed away. It's been one year and two months since hubby passed away. The whole experience is still very raw. I wished the disease away not the person. The memories are mixed - the happy ones and the horrible end of life ones. Sometimes the fog lifts and I can share some lights moments (at times I pretend) but the sadness comes too, and the aloneness. But this is life now, my new normal. It is what it is, cannot change it. Do cry Monkton, nothing to be ashamed of, the tears are the expression of the love that cannot be shared. I wish you well.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you Caqquafa. Yes you have put into words well how I feel. Early days for me, but if anything I love my Chrissie more than ever. I now have to find what normal life is. It is strange, but it is not so much lonesomeness as loss I feel at present. It still seems like I should be able to do something to put this situation right and she will be here. Part of natural grief I suppose? She seemed to be getting so much better. As a friend of mine likes to put it, "you think you see light at the end of the tunnel, but the light is an oncoming train!"

 

[Amethyst59]

That feeling of ‘being able to put something right, and she would be here’...I remember it well. My sister likened it to any other experience in life. When something new happens we think, ‘oh, this is like so and so, and this is how I deal with it’. But when we lose our spouse, our mind is going somewhere it has never been before, and we have nothing to compare it with, or liken it to. It is a scary and confusing feeling. As @Loopiloo says, take it moment by moment.
I read something years ago....’the secret of a sweet and happy life is to take it moment by moment. It is the long stretches which tire us’. There can be a lot of fear in thinking about the future, celebrate getting through the moments!

 

[Monkton]

I've been alright all day. Now tonight something keeps saying to me, "it can't be true. She must be coming back. She will be here". I know it is my heart, because that is what I want. But she will never be here again and that is heartbreaking.

 

[Amethyst59]

But she will always be in your mind and in your heart. And the day will come when you can remember her with joy, and not this raw pain. I wonder if you have any grandchildren? One of my granddaughters is so like my late mum. It is so lovely that I can see my mum carrying on through the generations. I hope you will have the same comfort with your Chrissie.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband is still with me four years on. The only change is I can relax with his memory and his photos around the house, on my phone and on my computer.

I've chosen smiley photos even with dementia and I feel peace when I look at them. It will come in time for you @Monkton but for now you are grieving and it will ease in your own time.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you Amethyst59. It is very raw. I try to joke it off, but it does not work with this grief I feel.
Yes, 6 grandchildren, oldest is my 18yr old granddaughter who is broken-hearted. Keeps hugging me in tears. Youngest one does not understand and the others are dealing with it in their own way.

Well, tomorrow is supposed to be tidy the spare room or garden day. Saturday my daughter is here. Sunday 3 meetings. Monday visit my youngest 46mile away. So plenty of plans to go wrong.

 

[Amethyst59]

And plenty of plans to look forward to being with other people. Well done you! Make sure you leave yourself plenty of time to rest. You will be more tired than usual. Grieving is hard work. Teuly, its very tiring. And if you get overtired, you will feel more down. You need to take care of yourself.

 

[Monkton]

The local council, having been told of my wife's death, have decided to send 4 letters about housing and council tax to her. They don't make things easy do they? Then to 'phone them took 6mins of press this and that button and another 3min wait. Now they have to send me the forms they should have sent in the first place. Not feeling good, but have to go to the shops. You are right about being tired Amethyst59, I am tired now. Thank you for the support on here.

 

[Monkton]

Just reporting back.

Yesterday I went to see the grave of my darling Chrissie for the first time since the funeral a week ago. I did not know how I would be as I am missing her so very much each moment of each day. I still love her deeply. I thought I would be emotional, perhaps tears, angry even, but what happened I still do not understand.

I felt completely empty. Not happy, sad, angry, sorrowful, just nothing. Never have I known such a lack of feeling. I went with my daughter and granddaughter and had a short scripture passage I was going to read. But I did not read it, it would have been wrong with absolutely no feeling. Is this normal to feel so numb? I half expected to go squirrels and be carted of in a funny jacket in a padded van! So far I have not been able to rationalize this lack of feeling after two weeks of constant tears. (Tears are not normally any part of my life. Life has been tough enough for me to learn not to shed them).

This morning here equipment, i.e. Profile bed, rise and recline chair, pressure cushion, commodes, Bed lever, etc, get collected. It might help as I still look for her on her bed or in her chair.

Just needed to express this somewhere it might be understood.

 

[Amethyst59]

Hello, again. I think this is going to be different for each person ...and I wonder if you ‘shut down’ your emotions, as you had built this visit up in your mind?
I had a crazy few weeks after Norman’s death. I lived about six miles from his grave. I would wake, thinking ‘I need to be there, I will feel better if I am near him’. And I drove there, and thought, he’s not here. And I left straight away and drove home again. And then, a couple of hours later, I did it again. And again. And each time had the empty feeling of...he’s not here. I think that did last for a number of weeks.
My sister was widowed 18 months after me. And she has never, to this day, visited her husband’s grave once. She is still devastated at her loss, though her Faith is the most real thing in her life and she is convinced she will see him again.
I often think I will go and ‘talk’ to Norman, but when I get there, I end up just talking in my head.
It is all still very raw for you, and there is so much ‘red tape’ to deal with. Try to put by a bit of each day for something nice. Maybe treat yourself to a nice cake...or a beer...whatever is good for you. Treat yourself as a convalescent who needs a bit of pampering.

 

[Grannie G]

I can identify with the feeling or emptiness @Monkton. I felt this for a long time. In fact it`s only reading your post which helped me realise I no longer feel this , more then four years down the line.

I'm sure whatever you feel is completely natural. How else can you be expected to feel after such a loss. Its part and parcel of grieving, of missing , of mourning and would you really want an escape from it? Try to let it be. Its OK.