Hi, Not been on this section of TP before but posted elsewhere about the death of my lovely Chrissie. Just dropped in have a look really. I can't stop the tears flowing. I can't see any future. Life seems pointless but I know it must go on. 47yrs of marriage. Together nearly every day. Whatever we did it was as one. All my life since I first met her in 1965 has been devoted to her, I love her so very much and now she , after a brave battle, is gone and I am devastated. Does this hurt ever stop? I sincerely wish it was I and not her who went or we went together. Sorry, can't type more.
Empty Future
- Thread starter Monkton
- Start date
Having got a little composure back I will add that I have been given marvellous support from our children. All doing all they can to help whilst having to deal with their own grief. Yet I have no interest in life now. I do not wish Chrissie back here in pain and confusion, but do wish her back here how life was a few years ago. There is nothing I want to do, nowhere I want to go. All I want is to be with her who is my life.
It's still very raw for you @Monkton. I won't say "time heals". But it does give distance. The grief does get, not "better", but much less sharp and intense. In the first weeks & months after my husband died, I found that literally hours would have passed, and I would have done absolutely nothing, just sat and stared at the wall. Tears would catch me off guard several times a day, at the slightest thing. Gradually, there would come times when I wouldn't cry for a whole day. Then there would be a couple of days. Now, 2 1/2 years after his death, I'm still caught off guard sometimes. Just before Christmas, I spotted a cardigan that he would have loved, and my initial delight at having found a perfect present for him, immediately turned to tears at the realisation that I didn't need a present for him, and I had to leave the shop. Things like that can still wound. But the only way around grief is through it. There are no short cuts. And hard as it is, I find it some comfort to think that our loved ones are worth our grief. How dreadful it would be, if no one mourned our loss! I'm glad you have support from your family. And do keep coming here for support too, if you need to.
I can empathize Monkton. My wife Sue died last Thursday.
Like you, I don't have things I want to do. All I wanted to do when Sue was alive was to look after her as well as I could. For a while the funeral arrangements etc will keep me busy but then...
Like you, I don't have things I want to do. All I wanted to do when Sue was alive was to look after her as well as I could. For a while the funeral arrangements etc will keep me busy but then...
It is so hard to think about your future when you are grieving for the love you've lost. Some people get through this by living from day to day, others by throwing themselves into some new activities. It's a case of whatever works for you, but you will get through this and find a new way. It takes time, and it is not easy, but you will not always feel like this.
Thank you for the replies. I am 6 foot, 18 stone and lived a tough enough life not to be in tears. Yet they keep coming. I get angry with myself for this, yet know it is natural.
StanleyPJ, I have been greatly helped by one of my sons who did the legal stuff and funeral arrangements. I just tagged along. I do't think I could have done it. I hope you have help? Like yourself I just wanted to take care of my lovely wife. I don't care how much work. I never wanted respite away from her, because that would not be respite. My heart bleeds, I have never felt so devastated. The funeral is Wednesday I just hope it becomes more bearable after that as at present it hurts so much it is unbearable.
StanleyPJ, I have been greatly helped by one of my sons who did the legal stuff and funeral arrangements. I just tagged along. I do't think I could have done it. I hope you have help? Like yourself I just wanted to take care of my lovely wife. I don't care how much work. I never wanted respite away from her, because that would not be respite. My heart bleeds, I have never felt so devastated. The funeral is Wednesday I just hope it becomes more bearable after that as at present it hurts so much it is unbearable.
I am in awe of you Monkton and you Stanleypj that after years as a carer you dont view the end of your wives lives as a release. How wonderful to still remember them with love and affection. With such deep resources I am sure you can use these positively in the future once you get over the initial loss.
Good wishes to you both.
Good wishes to you both.
Morning Monkton. despite each person's grief is unique, I feel for your loss. It will be difficult to adjust to the loss of someone you have been with for so long. As you have such support from your children I hope you can all share your grief and memories and think of family ways to remember her. That may also help lessen the pain of anniversaries. Good luck to you and you children.
Another day got through and yet the pain is not eased. First time I have ever prayed to die. Suicide is wrong, but without my darling Chrissie I would welcome a heart attack, and that is no joke. I want to go to sleep and not wake up again, but no doubt I will and the pain, hurt and tears starts again. A bad day today. Instead of me controlling my emotions they have controlled me. Those of you who have got through situations like this have my admiration, for I do not know how I will. But I will try. Yet everything seems pointless now. All I did was for her and she is no longer here. I dare not touch booze or will drink to excess. I do not want sedatives until the funeral is over. So off to try for some sleep. Thank you for listening to my winging.
Still here. A little calmer at the beginning of a new day. Need to switch the Internet to my account, or rather my son is doing that for me.I sleep sound but wake early. Hopefully a better day today. I will not say "good day" as without my Chrissie, no day is good.
Good morning, @Monkton, I am so sorry to read of your recent loss and pain. I was widowed nearly ten years ago, and that raw, almost physical, pain does pass. At least, maybe it does, or maybe you learn to live with it. I felt it was a little easier for me as I still had two of my children in school, and I had to resume work.
My present husband (married for six years) moved into supported living four weeks ago, and I’m hit by grief again. I somehow thought it might be easier this time round. I know I still have him, but it’s not the man I married. In short, I think I am in for that raw pain again when I lose him.
It helped me to be with other people. It helped to have to do something that required my (almost) full attention. And it really helped that I had to hold things together for two teenagers. I hope there is something you can take from my experience and use. But for you, it is very early days. I returned to work (part time) six weeks after he died. I found I got tired very quickly, grieving is exhausting, and I think it was also the aftermath of providing full time care. So, don’t expect too much of yourself.
I seem to remember we watched a lot of TV in those early days. Just wrapped up in blankets and watched films. I’m so pleased for you that you have family around. And we are all here for you, when you want some ‘company’.
My present husband (married for six years) moved into supported living four weeks ago, and I’m hit by grief again. I somehow thought it might be easier this time round. I know I still have him, but it’s not the man I married. In short, I think I am in for that raw pain again when I lose him.
It helped me to be with other people. It helped to have to do something that required my (almost) full attention. And it really helped that I had to hold things together for two teenagers. I hope there is something you can take from my experience and use. But for you, it is very early days. I returned to work (part time) six weeks after he died. I found I got tired very quickly, grieving is exhausting, and I think it was also the aftermath of providing full time care. So, don’t expect too much of yourself.
I seem to remember we watched a lot of TV in those early days. Just wrapped up in blankets and watched films. I’m so pleased for you that you have family around. And we are all here for you, when you want some ‘company’.
Thank you Amethyst59, you are a brave lady to go through all that suffering again. I do not know how you got through the first time. I am so sorry you have this second round of suffering.
I only watched TV because my Chrissie enjoyed it, though I do read a fair bit. Hard to concentrate now though. My children are grown up and in fact it is they who are supporting me. Not a situation I could predict, I have always stood on my own two feet.
I find that I seem to be getting through a day okay, then suddenly, without warning, the tears start. Nothing I can do to stop them.
At least on here I can put how I feel. That is something I am grateful for.
I only watched TV because my Chrissie enjoyed it, though I do read a fair bit. Hard to concentrate now though. My children are grown up and in fact it is they who are supporting me. Not a situation I could predict, I have always stood on my own two feet.
I find that I seem to be getting through a day okay, then suddenly, without warning, the tears start. Nothing I can do to stop them.
At least on here I can put how I feel. That is something I am grateful for.
I had two older children too, and I don’t know we could have got through without them. My eldest daughter dealt with all the financial side. She moved in with us for the last six weeks of my husband’s life. She worked from our house and, at the same time, took over being Mum to the two younger ones. My eldest son and his wife, who live closer have continued to provide a ‘second home’ to the two youngest and he has taken over the ‘dad’ role as afar as diy and car maintenance is concerned!
I found I couldn’t read for a few months, which was really unusual for me. I have just gone through the same thing again. Maybe watching something factual on TV might be for you. It helps to pass the time, and another day gone is not to be sniffed at. I walked too. Are you able to get some exercise? I know it is difficult to be outside at the moment. To see the world carrying on, or risk people talking to you, when you cannot cope with it. But again, it might help you sleep and it helps to pass the time.
As for me being brave....I think stupid might be nearer the mark. I have learned my lesson well this time. Remember that old song, ‘I’ll never fall in love again’. That’s me.
I found I couldn’t read for a few months, which was really unusual for me. I have just gone through the same thing again. Maybe watching something factual on TV might be for you. It helps to pass the time, and another day gone is not to be sniffed at. I walked too. Are you able to get some exercise? I know it is difficult to be outside at the moment. To see the world carrying on, or risk people talking to you, when you cannot cope with it. But again, it might help you sleep and it helps to pass the time.
As for me being brave....I think stupid might be nearer the mark. I have learned my lesson well this time. Remember that old song, ‘I’ll never fall in love again’. That’s me.
Hi Monkton.
Glad to hear that you are a little calmer.
In many sad circumstances, the advice I've always been given is to find a purpose. For the week and each day. For me last autumn, it was my garden, what was my mum's garden. I set myself a simple task of weeding a little bit each day. It was very nice and after each effort, I was a little tired and dirty. But looking out of the window each morning I could see what I'd done.
I believe my mum would be pleased because she loved the garden, we spent much time in it together, even right at the end she was swinging her shovel. That is the good thing I focus on as well. Nothing much but it gave me a sense of purpose. Now I feel brave enough to tackle bigger things in my life.
And that is I think what you need. Find and focus on things to give you a purpose. Start small, then big, then bigger.
Amethyst59, after such sorrow it is not stupid to seek happiness. I am glad for you that you at least found it for a time. Happiness is fleeting and has to be grabbed when you can. For me at present it does not exist.
I cannot walk far (Have to use a stick), but will try and get out once the dreaded funeral is over.
I cannot walk far (Have to use a stick), but will try and get out once the dreaded funeral is over.
Yes, it was a release for my husband from the pain, fear and torment of his dementia but I doubt if many of us here who have lost a partner view their deaths as a release for themselves and I certainly didn’t. The loss of someone who was part of my life for over half a century has left an empty space that can never be filled but just borne and after nearly 4 years the tears can still suddenly flow at the drop of a hat. I know grief affects everyone in different ways, as does being the carer of someone with dementia, but for me there has been no release and the love and affection I had for my husband has if anything increased in depth as I remember his care, kindness and love for me over so many years.
@Monkton @stanleypj
There is no need to think of the future right now. The path ahead seems empty but just rest a while in the present and only take a step when you feel the need. There is a future there ahead but it is a different one from that which you envisaged before your Chrissie became ill but you will find it. There is no other option.
I think caring for a partner with dementia can take over our lives to such a degree that we never even consider a time when it might change - or maybe it is too painful to do so - so that when it does and we are left alone it hits us so very hard.
Both you and Stanley have cared so devotedly for your wives and I hope you can both find a fulfilling way forward in your lives but there is no rush to do so. Be mindful of our own needs and health as the latter can suffer as I have discovered. Take care of yourselves now. Best wishes
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@Monkton and @stanleypj - I think @Saffie has summed things up so well.
I was grateful that my husband found release from this awful disease after 15 years of suffering but I felt no release and I doubt I ever will. I'm almost 2 years down the road now. I have found a way forward but much of it is on the surface. I love my husband as much as I ever did and I think I am beginning to remember the pre dementia man more now. I can look at photos and remember the fun and happy memories more than the dementia that surrounded us. The tears still flow, more or less on a daily basis, but I have gradually found a way to live with my loss. This forum has been a big part in helping me to do this and I'm sure you will both find it a massive support in the days, weeks and months to come.
Thinking of you both and wishing you strength.
I was grateful that my husband found release from this awful disease after 15 years of suffering but I felt no release and I doubt I ever will. I'm almost 2 years down the road now. I have found a way forward but much of it is on the surface. I love my husband as much as I ever did and I think I am beginning to remember the pre dementia man more now. I can look at photos and remember the fun and happy memories more than the dementia that surrounded us. The tears still flow, more or less on a daily basis, but I have gradually found a way to live with my loss. This forum has been a big part in helping me to do this and I'm sure you will both find it a massive support in the days, weeks and months to come.
Thinking of you both and wishing you strength.
Thank you all. It is a help to know how others have gone through this. I will always love my Chrissie and always have since the day I met her. Dementia was taking her away from me and now she has gone. Life is so empty, so lonely, so meaningless. I have had people say "you have your children (all grown up), you have your church". All true but nothing in this world can replace my Chrissie. I write this with tears because I cannot stop them. Only those who have been through this can know how much it hurts. I don't fear death but I do life without her. There is nothing I want, no where I want to be but by her side.
What you write is so true.i lost my lovely wife June 59 weeks ago to the wicked decease dementia. I knew her for over 60 years so like you I fill the only place I want to be is with her.they say in time things get better I hope they are right.take care you are not alone
For me they haven’t got better but they have become more bearable.
As with Izzy, rarely a day passes without tears but they have become a part of life now.
Friendships formed here have helped and the support and understanding I have received from them have been and remain invaluable.
Was we all say, it may be a cliche but it is a case of one step at a time.
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