Empty Future

[Grannie G]

At least on here I can put how I feel. That is something I am grateful for.

This is what TP is about @Monkton

One of my friends and I are always discussing how no one can understand how the loss of a spouse or partner can be so devastating until they have had the experience, and thank goodness for that. No one needs to know except those who are experiencing it.

 

[Monkton]

I was doing okay. Daughter here helping tidy up ready for funeral Wednesday. Spoke to someone about the service. Daughter had to leave. Hour later family GP 'phones, he has been our GP for over 10yr. We always saw him together. I broke-down on the 'phone. All dignity gone. He wants to see me Thursday, probably getting the Funny Farm ready!

 

[Grannie G]

Sympathy and understanding brings on the tears @Monkton. Its perfectly normal. You haven't lost any dignity you have just shown how heartbroken you are.

 

[Amethyst59]

Oh, there is no loss of dignity in a display of love. Bless your heart.

 

[Monkton]

Funeral tomorrow. Strangely so far today I have been surprisingly calm. I still keep thinking of more I should have done for her. Family tell me I did more than could be expected, but that does not help. My darling Chrissie deserved better. I think keeping busy will help but no idea how I will be tomorrow. I seem to change from moment to moment. Only thing does not change is I want to be with her so much.
Excuse me taking up space here but just needed to express how I feel and no one here for 3hr.

 

[Amethyst59]

Never apologise for posting on the site. It is what it is here for. If my experience is any help, I was aware, at the time of what happened at my husband’s funeral. I sang the hymns, and I can remember most of it quite clearly now. But, a few months after the funeral, I met old friends and told them of Norman’s death. Well, we know, they said. We were at the funeral and spoke to you. I have no memory of that at all.
In short, a sort of ‘calmness’ came over me on the day. I wonder if you are worried about losing control in public? That thought worried me. It didn’t happen. I did break down immediately following the burial, but was ok again, by the time we got to the hotel for the family and friends gathering.
Although I lost some memories of the day, I have remembered the important bits. I sing at many funerals, with a church choir. In all of the ones I have attended, I saw only one person really lose control ... and her family comforted her, and no one thought any the worse of her for it.
If I have misunderstood your concerns, I am sorry.

 

[jaymor]

@Monkton. Tomorrow will be a sad day for you but I am sure you will get through it. I found I was carried along and as much as I feared it, it all went as we planned. I am sure you will do your Chrissie proud and if the tears come then that’s ok . Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you both. If tears would bring her back I would weep day and night even more than I do now. But I want her burial to be with dignity. I don't care about my dignity, reached a point where I don't care about anything except the funeral. But I want it dignified for her and do not want to be the one to spoil it. Generally I am as tough as old boots, but not with this. I have found there is something I cannot cope with or deal with, loosing my lovely Chrissie. Wept for the first time today, so a little better, but nothing seems to happen and I start, no obvious triggers. I have been given a lot of support both from our assembly and our children. Something of a reverse situation. I am the one who gives help, but this is beyond what I can manage alone.

 

[Loopiloo]

Click to expand...

Yes, it was a release for my husband from the pain, fear and torment of his dementia but I doubt if many of us here who have lost a partner view their deaths as a release for themselves and I certainly didn’t. The loss of someone who was part of my life for over half a century has left an empty space that can never be filled but just borne and after nearly 4 years the tears can still suddenly flow at the drop of a hat. I know grief affects everyone in different ways, as does being the carer of someone with dementia, but for me there has been no release and the love and affection I had for my husband has if anything increased in depth as I remember his care, kindness and love for me over so many years

@Saffie every word you wrote exactly mirrors how I feel.

I was grateful that my husband found release from this awful disease after 15 years of suffering but I felt no release and I doubt I ever will. I'm almost 2 years down the road now. I have found a way forward but much of it is on the surface. I love my husband as much as I ever did and I think I am beginning to remember the pre dementia man more now. I can look at photos and remember the fun and happy memories more than the dementia that surrounded us. The tears still flow, more or less on a daily basis, but I have gradually found a way to live with my loss. This forum has been a big part in helping me to do this and I'm sure you will both find it a massive support in the days, weeks and months to come.

@Izzy. I also most deeply relate to what you wrote Izzy.

@Monkton. I do feel for you and I am sure each of us does. I wish we could take the pain away but we cannot. However we are here for you and listening, and it does help to write so do not hold back. We understand.

You will be in my thoughts tomorrow. I came close to falling apart the morning of my husband's funeral, I thought it impossible to do it. But I did. As you will too.

To my surprise I was deeply comforted by the service, which was very personal to my husband. I did shed tears from time to time, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Others also had tears, those who had known my husband well.

What will be will be, and your love will carry you through. It will give you strength. Love does not die. Mine for my husband is stronger than ever almost two years after his death.

In time you will draw strength and comfort from the memories of the life you shared before dementia. The desolation of loss will gradually ease. But it does take time. It is a cliché but we can only take what comes one day at a time.

Sending many thoughts that tomorrow will be all that you would wish for your beloved. Chrissie.

Loo xxx

 

[Izzy]

Wishing you strength for tomorrow @Monkton

 

[Saffie]

A sad day for you tomorrow but I hope your farewell to Chrissie is just as you and she would wish it to be.
Thinking of you.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you for all the support. The cortege leaves here 09.15hr and at Chapel at 10.00hr. I keep telling myself. "be dignified for Chrissie". Tears can come after the service.

 

[Saffie]

Thank you for all the support. The cortege leaves here 09.15hr and at Chapel at 10.00hr. I keep telling myself. "be dignified for Chrissie". Tears can come after the service.

No Monkton, just be yourself for Chrissie and everyone will understand.
Yes, the tears will come of course but they need not be hidden as they represent your years of love and sorrow at losing your lovely wife. The day will pass but your love will live on.

 

[Amethyst59]

@Monkton, I woke with you on my mind. So many of us here have been where you are today, and our thoughts surround you x

 

[Grannie G]

I`ll be thinking of you this morning @Monkton having walked in your shoes four years ago.

We get through it with or without tears . This is your time to be yourself.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you. All as ready as I can be. So far okay.

 

[Izzy]

My thoughts are with you today.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

I do hope you find today helps you to let go of some of the sadness Monkton. So sorry.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you all for your support. It went very well and contrary to my expectations I was supporting other people.. I even managed a reading and a brief word. Will report more later, but was sunny and respectful for my lovely Chrissie. Thank you all again.

 

[Marcelle123]

Glad to hear that it was a beautiful & respectful occasion.
Very best wishes. xx