Hi, I am new to the forum. This is a huge post, I’m sorry!
I wondered if anyone has any advice re coping with the fall-out from my mum’s influential friend who hates me and my sister and turns mum against us.
Mum was widowed and diagnosed with mixed dementia 3 yrs ago and since then myself and my sister have looked after her wellbeing, health and welfare and we have POA.
Mum insists on staying in her home instead of moving closer to us (90min journey on country roads), and so we have put all possibke safety measures in place to enable that. In that time she has had a stroke and a hip fracture and has limited mobility.
We regularly suggest viewing bungalows that have come up for sale near us and indeed near her, that are safer and more appropriate for her needs, that will mean shebis independent for longer, that she won’t have to go into a home if she has another fall.
She always says No to all suggestions of alternative places to live and we always then leave it at that, content that we have done what we can to try and enhance her safety and quality of life.
Mum is not safe in her home at the moment, she doesn’t use her walking frame as she launches it across the room once she has entered the room and then furniture surfs or shuffles while carrying stuff in each hand, she wanders at night and burns the toast she cooks in the early hours (we have cameras to keep an eye on her).
She has a friend who tells mum we are controlling her, that we are bullying her into moving, that she should spend all her money because we will spend it if not. Mum tells her she shops on her own by walking to the coop (she physically can’t) and that we rarely take her out or visit.
Her friend obvs has dementia and influences mum with her poisonous thoughts about us and mum listens to her and not us. Mum’s love and appreciation of us, her daughters, has been overruled by her friend’s influence and by the harsh thief dementia. It is hearbreaking and we have no advocate.
Mum has lost her love for us, dementia turned the dial to ‘off’ for her daughters love and support and ramped it up high for the influence of one particular friend, who’s own cognitive decline is turning mum further and further away from us. We have lost mum to dementia and we have lost all influence on her in terms of wellbeing, health, safety and love and support.
Mum’s decline after her fracture means that more needs to be put in place to enable her to live in her home, new bathroom, adaptations to the path, driveway and garden outside (huge amount of work). Mum does not want us to do this as she thinks she is fine and safe and healthy and that she walks to the shop and potters in the garden and has a wash etc safely. She doesn’t - she doesn’t go out because she physically can’t go out on her own.
She has carers for 30mins morning and eve and they are fab.
This is a huge post, a brain dump following a huge cathartic cry this morning after her friend visited and said cruel and horrible things about us to her and who thinks that every word of what mum says is true when not one word of it is. She even told her that my husband controls all her finances and she has no idea how much money she has. Which (the husband part) is complete nonsense. We know all of this because she relayed all the info to another person who then let us know.
Ok, so now I feel destroyed and defeated by dementia. Do I persevere and take huge facilitate the safety adaptations outside, a new bathroom, throw the toaster away, or do we throw in the towel and give up and admit defeat ?
Thank you for even just reading this, just posting it makes me feel less alone…
I wondered if anyone has any advice re coping with the fall-out from my mum’s influential friend who hates me and my sister and turns mum against us.
Mum was widowed and diagnosed with mixed dementia 3 yrs ago and since then myself and my sister have looked after her wellbeing, health and welfare and we have POA.
Mum insists on staying in her home instead of moving closer to us (90min journey on country roads), and so we have put all possibke safety measures in place to enable that. In that time she has had a stroke and a hip fracture and has limited mobility.
We regularly suggest viewing bungalows that have come up for sale near us and indeed near her, that are safer and more appropriate for her needs, that will mean shebis independent for longer, that she won’t have to go into a home if she has another fall.
She always says No to all suggestions of alternative places to live and we always then leave it at that, content that we have done what we can to try and enhance her safety and quality of life.
Mum is not safe in her home at the moment, she doesn’t use her walking frame as she launches it across the room once she has entered the room and then furniture surfs or shuffles while carrying stuff in each hand, she wanders at night and burns the toast she cooks in the early hours (we have cameras to keep an eye on her).
She has a friend who tells mum we are controlling her, that we are bullying her into moving, that she should spend all her money because we will spend it if not. Mum tells her she shops on her own by walking to the coop (she physically can’t) and that we rarely take her out or visit.
Her friend obvs has dementia and influences mum with her poisonous thoughts about us and mum listens to her and not us. Mum’s love and appreciation of us, her daughters, has been overruled by her friend’s influence and by the harsh thief dementia. It is hearbreaking and we have no advocate.
Mum has lost her love for us, dementia turned the dial to ‘off’ for her daughters love and support and ramped it up high for the influence of one particular friend, who’s own cognitive decline is turning mum further and further away from us. We have lost mum to dementia and we have lost all influence on her in terms of wellbeing, health, safety and love and support.
Mum’s decline after her fracture means that more needs to be put in place to enable her to live in her home, new bathroom, adaptations to the path, driveway and garden outside (huge amount of work). Mum does not want us to do this as she thinks she is fine and safe and healthy and that she walks to the shop and potters in the garden and has a wash etc safely. She doesn’t - she doesn’t go out because she physically can’t go out on her own.
She has carers for 30mins morning and eve and they are fab.
This is a huge post, a brain dump following a huge cathartic cry this morning after her friend visited and said cruel and horrible things about us to her and who thinks that every word of what mum says is true when not one word of it is. She even told her that my husband controls all her finances and she has no idea how much money she has. Which (the husband part) is complete nonsense. We know all of this because she relayed all the info to another person who then let us know.
Ok, so now I feel destroyed and defeated by dementia. Do I persevere and take huge facilitate the safety adaptations outside, a new bathroom, throw the toaster away, or do we throw in the towel and give up and admit defeat ?
Thank you for even just reading this, just posting it makes me feel less alone…
