At my wits end

[Deeanth]

Im finding it really hard with my mams alzhiemers she is so awfull to me has been all her life we do everything we can for her but she just swears gets angry and tells us to get out .my husband does her house work as im struggling with no cartlige in my knees
She xpects us to be at her house everyday she doesnt talk or treat my brothers aunt or her friend the way she treats us .I have complex ptsd and mental health issuses and it feels like im getting worse with it but myself and husband dont know what to do she has carers going in 3 times a week but still expects us to do everything help please 😭

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to the forum @Deeanth

There is no reason for you to accept such verbal abuse. Your mother has help from carers, your brothers, your aunt and her friends so you can tell her you will walk away until she can treat you with respect.

Your husband also could stop doing her housework until she learns to be a bit more caring to you.

Walk away.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Deeanth and welcome to the Forum. What a horrible situation for you to be in. However there is no obligation on you to provide care for your mam and no incentive to do so when you are treated so badly. I agree with @Grannie G. Your first responsibility is to look after your own health and your husband's.

 

[Collywobbles]

You’ve been conditioned by her, to accept her abuse. But the plain truth is that you’re now an adult and you no longer have to. You and your husband should step back completely. I’m sure she’ll be more abusive in your absence, but she’s brought this on herself. She has a support system and it will continue without you both. Block her number so she can’t call you and if you’re feeling generous (and I don’t see why you should) you could let her other carers know what you’re doing. Her life does not depend on you. It never did, despite what she and possibly others might like you to believe.

Book a holiday for your husband and yourself if you can afford it. Get right away for a full and proper break. If you can’t afford that, allow yourselves a staycation, where you don’t answer the phone to carers or family for a week. Arrange to do a couple of things you’d really enjoy. Even something as small as eating a bag of chips in the park can be a lovely way of recharging. You deserve it and you need it.

 

[Banjomansmate]

If your Mam swears at you and tells you to get out then do that. Just walk away.
Inform your family that you are no longer helping out and if she needs assistance then someone else will need to be there for her.

 

[Deeanth]

They all say I should be doing it as they all work.aunt brothers friend , my health is in tatters and so is my mental health but who will she have if I walk away my head is a mess inside my heart is hurting and I just can’t cope anymore with her 😢

 

[Deeanth]

Welcome to the forum @Deeanth

There is no reason for you to accept such verbal abuse. Your mother has help from carers, your brothers, your aunt and her friends so you can tell her you will walk away until she can treat you with respect.

Your husband also could stop doing her housework until she learns to be a bit more caring to you.

Walk away.

She is absolutely vile to my husband who does her house work and shopping it’s causing problems with me and him .

 

[Deeanth]

Welcome to the forum @Deeanth

There is no reason for you to accept such verbal abuse. Your mother has help from carers, your brothers, your aunt and her friends so you can tell her you will walk away until she can treat you with respect.

Your husband also could stop doing her housework until she learns to be a bit more caring to you.

Walk away.

The family don’t do anything like myself and husband do it’s a massive weight on both our shoulders .

 

[Deeanth]

You’ve been conditioned by her, to accept her abuse. But the plain truth is that you’re now an adult and you no longer have to. You and your husband should step back completely. I’m sure she’ll be more abusive in your absence, but she’s brought this on herself. She has a support system and it will continue without you both. Block her number so she can’t call you and if you’re feeling generous (and I don’t see why you should) you could let her other carers know what you’re doing. Her life does not depend on you. It never did, despite what she and possibly others might like you to believe.

Book a holiday for your husband and yourself if you can afford it. Get right away for a full and proper break. If you can’t afford that, allow yourselves a staycation, where you don’t answer the phone to carers or family for a week. Arrange to do a couple of things you’d really enjoy. Even something as small as eating a bag of chips in the park can be a lovely way of recharging. You deserve it and you need it.

The family only go see her for a half hour or a cuppa and go but she expects us to be there all the time and talks down to us it’s awfull .

 

[Deeanth]

You’ve been conditioned by her, to accept her abuse. But the plain truth is that you’re now an adult and you no longer have to. You and your husband should step back completely. I’m sure she’ll be more abusive in your absence, but she’s brought this on herself. She has a support system and it will continue without you both. Block her number so she can’t call you and if you’re feeling generous (and I don’t see why you should) you could let her other carers know what you’re doing. Her life does not depend on you. It never did, despite what she and possibly others might like you to believe.

Book a holiday for your husband and yourself if you can afford it. Get right away for a full and proper break. If you can’t afford that, allow yourselves a staycation, where you don’t answer the phone to carers or family for a week. Arrange to do a couple of things you’d really enjoy. Even something as small as eating a bag of chips in the park can be a lovely way of recharging. You deserve it and you need it.

I honestly wish I could afford to as my own health is not the best and I’m not looking after myself because we’re doing everything for her .

 

[Deeanth]

If your Mam swears at you and tells you to get out then do that. Just walk away.
Inform your family that you are no longer helping out and if she needs assistance then someone else will need to be there for her.

She needs more care and we cant give it she has a broken hip threw alcohol she done it in January and still saying it hurts and drops food on the floor and when her friend aunt etc go in she say aww just leave till they come he will do my housework absolutely disgusting behaviour but how do I walk away with out feeling guilty .

 

[SherwoodSue]

The family is saying they can’t do it as they work. Not the same as saying you should do it. Book yourself a holiday and leave the area

 

[Deeanth]

The family is saying they can’t do it as they work. Not the same as saying you should do it. Book yourself a holiday and leave the area

I really would if I could afford to a nice getaway from it all

 

[Hazara8]

Im finding it really hard with my mams alzhiemers she is so awfull to me has been all her life i do everything i can for her but she just swears gets angry and tells me to get out .my husband does her house work as im struggling with no cartlige in my knees
She xpects me to be at her house everyday she doesnt talk or treat my brothers aunt or her friend the way she treats me . I have complex ptsd and mental health issuses and it feels like im getting worse with it but myself and husband dont know what to do she has carers going in 3 times a week but still expects us to do everything help please 😭

It is important where at all possible to have the Alzheimer's assessed, because abusive and inconsiderate behaviour can be literally due to the disease however challenging. That must be very difficult if things were uneasy prior to the diagnosis. Your own health must always be at the forefront of Care, because once one's health compromises your own life it is quite evident that the ongoing Care will be affected fundamentally. Conflict exacerbates dementia symptoms and it needs to be constantly stressed that Caring for a loved one with dementia, or specifically Alzheimer's disease, places huge demands physically and mentally on the Carer. Siblings and close friends often have no idea whatsoever as to what that entails.

 

[nic001]

Im finding it really hard with my mams alzhiemers she is so awfull to me has been all her life i do everything i can for her but she just swears gets angry and tells me to get out .my husband does her house work as im struggling with no cartlige in my knees
She xpects me to be at her house everyday she doesnt talk or treat my brothers aunt or her friend the way she treats me . I have complex ptsd and mental health issuses and it feels like im getting worse with it but myself and husband dont know what to do she has carers going in 3 times a week but still expects us to do everything help please 😭

She might expect it but it doesn’t mean you have to do it. It might feel really hard but you have to take control.
Get someone into her to do the housework and simply don’t go every day, try every other day. She doesn’t have to like it, you can say I can’t be here all the time, you need extra help.
My mum kept saying to me that she didn’t need people in to help, I said I DO! I can’t be here all the time, I need the help and that was it. I gave myself permission to take a step back because it was making me ill. I felt guilty at first but realised I had to do what was right for me otherwise where will it end?

 

[maggie6445]

I really would if I could afford to a nice getaway from it all

I understand holidays aren't cheap. But there is nothing stopping you turning your phone off and pretending your on holiday! Get a cheap flask and picnic boxes and go to the local parks . We often picnic in the warmer months, and you don't have to go far. Most areas have woodland or parks. Treat yourself to the odd ice cream or bought coffee and cake and enjoy the surroundings.

Caring is difficult. But when it affects your health it's time to rethink the job!

 

[Deeanth]

It is important where at all possible to have the Alzheimer's assessed, because abusive and inconsiderate behaviour can be literally due to the disease however challenging. That must be very difficult if things were uneasy prior to the diagnosis. Your own health must always be at the forefront of Care, because once one's health compromises your own life it is quite evident that the ongoing Care will be affected fundamentally. Conflict exacerbates dementia symptoms and it needs to be constantly stressed that Caring for a loved one with dementia, or specifically Alzheimer's disease, places huge demands physically and mentally on the Carer. Siblings and close friends often have no idea whatsoever as to what that entails.

I used to be a carer in a care home so I know what to expect but the family have no idea .

 

[Deeanth]

She might expect it but it doesn’t mean you have to do it. It might feel really hard but you have to take control.
Get someone into her to do the housework and simply don’t go every day, try every other day. She doesn’t have to like it, you can say I can’t be here all the time, you need extra help.
My mum kept saying to me that she didn’t need people in to help, I said I DO! I can’t be here all the time, I need the help and that was it. I gave myself permission to take a step back because it was making me ill. I felt guilty at first but realised I had to do what was right for me otherwise where will it end?

That’s what is killing me the guilt of taking a step back .

 

[Deeanth]

I understand holidays aren't cheap. But there is nothing stopping you turning your phone off and pretending your on holiday! Get a cheap flask and picnic boxes and go to the local parks . We often picnic in the warmer months, and you don't have to go far. Most areas have woodland or parks. Treat yourself to the odd ice cream or bought coffee and cake and enjoy the surroundings.

Caring is difficult. But when it affects your health it's time to rethink the job!

Sounds like a plan .

 

[Jools1402]

You have had enough at the moment - obviously. You are NOT responsible for your Mum. If she is abusive and unappreciative then you really don't have to carry on like this.
Decide on a date that you are going to step down (at least for a while)- preferably within the next couple of days - and notify your family you are taking a step back for your own health. This will give them a chance to organise something if they care to. Notify Social Services that your Mum is a vulnerable person and from that particular date you are no longer going to be responsible for her.
You will then have done everything reasonable to protect her so lose the guilt monster. Take a break - you and your husband both deserve it (I have to just add that there is NO way my hubby would have done my Mum's cleaning and if she had been abusive to him he would have told her where to go - so you have a wonderful OH who deserves better too)