Don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Day 3 - arrived after lunch to find everyone in the sitting/dining area having a right laugh. One of the care assistants had brought her young son in and all the ladies were cooing over him. Mum was happy and laughing with everyone else a normal happy laugh.

There was a lot of banter flying around just like a proper family.

A lady turned up who was giving an exercise class later that afternoon had come to see mum and explain what she did. She spoke directly to mum and not to me asking about her knees etc.

so after a long chat she was laughing away and all of a sudden she started crying. I was mortified, maybe she had been putting a front on, no, she was just really happy. I took the opportunity to ask if she wanted to stay permanently and she said "oo yes please". She is loving it.

On looking for a tissue for her in her tri-walker I found a napkin, saucer and the contents or her handbag and her handbag.

Taking the dog up on Friday, that's going to be fun!!!!!


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cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,942
North East England
I used to take my dog round to Mum's CH...she/Mum/staff and residents all loved it. I only stopped when the CH got a resident Dog of their own when another blind lady moved in complete with her Guide Dog and I thought two black Labs playing chase in corridors might be a bit much.:D:D:D
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Day 5

I visited Thursday night as well, but must admit she was absolutely knackered. So far this week she has been to a concert, done an exercise class, been visited by the children from the school next door, had a bath (not had one for at least 3 years, showers only), and talked to everyone. She has also eaten every scrap of food given to her, not so good as she felt quite sick last night.

I went this afternoon too with the dog, who seemed to know that mum was there as soon as he got of the car. He ran round to the front door and dragged me up the stairs. He had never been there before. We found her straight away and he licked her all over. Everyone else was so excited to see him too, so I had to do a circuit of the room for them all to pat him and get a kiss. The staff fed him biscuits and looks like he will have to be a regular visitor now. Mum was so pleased to see him as he has helped me look after mum for so long. When I was still able to work I used to leave him with mum for company and to protect her. He is a big loveable Lurcher but would not let anyone we didn't know in the house or near mum.

Mum still having a great time and the staff are lovely. Did find her in her pyjamas last night at 7pm but don't think it's a problem. Most of them seemed to be ready for bed and just having a cuppa. She has never once mentioned coming home and seems to have settled in straight away. The staff have told me she is very sweet and always polite. She is talking much more and having proper conversations with everyone done for a long time.

I won't let my guard down yet though, it's only been 5 days, but so far so good and I've got loads done.
 

2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
So wonderful that mum has really took to the care home. It's a pleasure to read your thread. I hope it continues and you have lots more good quality time with mum x
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Days 6/7

Had a day off from visiting yesterday but I have to say I missed going to see mum and all the residents. It has always been fun.

The lady who helped me look after mum went to see her instead and said she was in a bit of a grump when she got there. Soon sorted though as she didn't have her hearing aid in and had her reading glasses on so couldn't see further than the end of her nose. Once they were remedied then she was back to her normal self.

Today I went to see her in the morning and she had managed to get herself stuck on her own in the sitting room facing away from the others but the staff were just about to turn the chair round for her. She was a bit tired and complaining of being bored which is nothing new and I think she was expecting more activities this weekend but that's probably something that I can do with her. Hearing aid not in again, must mention that, and when I went back to the room her glasses were on the bedside table all bent and the lens popped out. Managed to twist it back into shape and get the lens back in but don't think it will last long. Looks like she stood on them.

Finally my sister managed to drag herself up there for an hour this afternoon with her dog. She has never once rung me to see how mum is doing, I have rung her every time I have visited. The thought never crossed her mind to ring the home to see how she was doing. She never helped with setting the room up in the home or done anything for mum in the last 4.5 years apart from visiting her every weekend for a couple of hours when she generally reads the paper. I have read so many comments on here about siblings and I am glad I am not the only one who has problems.

Anyway, rant over, mum having a haircut at the salon in the care home tomorrow and hopefully more activities in the afternoon should brighten her up a bit.

I stripped a wall in the sitting room today.:p
 

angel73

Registered User
Oct 5, 2014
5
My heart goes out to you...

I've tucked mum up in bed about 9pm and was choked up the whole time and still feel pretty low. It's the last time I will do that for her as she is going into a care home. I have looked after her for 4.5 years and always said that if she didn't know me then that would be the time. She calls me 'my dear' instead of my name and doesn't know she's still at home as she has already put herself in a care home. We moved in with her when my dad died. But I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I keep telling myself that she will be better off with other people with dementia and I will be able to spend quality time with her. But I feel like I have given up and don't know how I came to this decision.

I'm constantly trying to please everyone, mum, my husband, sister, dog, anyone but myself. I don't want to lose her or the glimmer of my old mum. It seems an impossible situation but I know too that I have to give a care home a go before I can't cope anymore. At least this way I have a choice about when and where she goes. I hate dementia.
You were kind enough to answer my frustration over my MIL last week and I totally understand your situation as this is something that we are facing too. All of the rest of my hubby's family are totally denying the reality that my MIL probably needs to be in a home for round the clock care as they are not committed to finding any time to go and see her or helping her in terms of support etc - I'm afraid (cynical but true) that the final payout is all that they are interested in...

Meanwhile, my hubby is totally in denial and thinks that in some way she is going to get better if we sort the basics out and I haven't got the strength to tell him that it's not going to get any better.

I am going on a Dementia related training course in the hope that I can learn to do the best I can for both my MIL and hubby, but I also know this is just the start of it all.

I wish you much strength, peace and empathy,
As
 

Kathphlox

Registered User
Dec 16, 2009
1,091
Bolton
LOVELY thread.. I hope your Mum continues to enjoy her stay in residential care.. We hear a lot of bad stories, but yours disproves it. :)
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Thank you for your kind messages. Mum still continues enjoying herself at the ch. Monday she had her hair cut and the on site hairdresser did a great job. I gave her some pictures of how mum liked her hair and it was spot on.

When I visited on Monday as soon as I arrived they told me she was in her room having a cuppa and a bun. She was sitting in the arm chair by the window looking at the view with a big smile on her face looking like my mum again.

We chatted about the view and although she struggled for the words she is talking better than she did at home.

I'm guessing that she is stage 6 verging on 7 (she was a lot worse at home). We haven't been to the memory clinic in 3 years as we decided not to take any more of medication for the dementia as it only seemed to make her feel ill. The diet she was on at home seemed to help better. High in whole foods, home grown vegetables and salad, fruit, yoghurt a, lots of fish and home cooked meals, lots of water, decaf coffee and a gin and tonic every week. Of course we had to have the biscuits and cakes almost everyday too. But I was with her 24/7 so had time to do this. We also ate together every night.

The CH seems to have a good balanced diet too. Unlike most of the residents mum eats very well and food is one of her pleasures in life and always has been. She was a fantastic cook and still likes cookery programmes especially thehairy bikers


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nini

Registered User
Sep 15, 2014
8
Hi there Emomam, it's lovely to read your thread and find a happy story. We moved my MIL this year close by to an extra-care complex as she is only in the early stages of alzheimers but it is a worry about what will happen when she needs to go into a CH. She has been on the medication since diagnosed in Dec 2013 and luckily gets no side effects. We are coping with carers at lunchtime making her a meal and OH visiting most nights. Saturdays, she comes to us for a few hours (not too long as she gets confused as to where she lives) and Sunday we go to her at lunchtime. Our main concern for when she goes into a CH is that she has never been one for mixing. Don't get me wrong, she is actually very sociable when she is with people but has always been a family-orientated person and won't join in with any activities going on in the communal rooms. I am so pleased that your Mum has settled in so well in her new home and that you can now get some time to yourself. Don't feel guilty, you did and still do so much for your Mum, she is lucky to have you x
 

Neph

Registered User
Jan 27, 2014
179
Isn't it a relief when they settle, I remember when mum first went into the care home, she actually improved for a while as she was with other people, I hope your mum continues to be happy there.
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
improvement

Yes she has improved quite a bit which is what we were hoping for. She has been speaking much more and told the time last week on an ordinary clock, doesn't seem to be as drowsy or repetitive. I know it won't last but it's good to see that twinkle back.
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
day 12

Well mum still seems to be content in the CH although still struggle with the fact I.believe I can do a better job but am aware at what cost.

I witnessed an old lady of 98 fall over today. It was an accident waiting to happen as she had been getting up and down for 30 mins and moving about. She then fell asleep in her chair, woke up suddenly and got up. She lost her balance and next thing she was on her bum. It happened so quickly it would have been impossible to stop. One care assistance went over and I joined her and helped pick her up. We checked her over for obvious pain and she was saying she was fine. When the senior care assistant came back she was informed immediately what had happened. I was reprimanded immediately for helping in front of everyone and advised it was against health and safety. Oops didn't realise I was supposed to leave her there on the floor until a senior care assistant arrived with 16 other people around who were concerned and would have wanted to help. Mum was upset that i had been told off and I was upset at the whole situation. Reality check I think. Maybe I have protected mum too well over the last 5 years. In the end a paramedic was called to check her over.

She is back to sundowning quite badly and asking where Bill (husband), is who died in 2010. But that's nothing new. She was very tired but still happy Schiavo called to see her. Think I will try and take her out next time as I think she will be fine. It so difficult to carry on and do normal things, I still can't sleep properly or stop thinking about mum and still getting upset that I couldn't just carry on looking after her but I know it really doesn't matter where she is she will still be confused and will still get worse. It's impossible to stop caring!!!!
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Week 3 seems to be going just as well as week 1. Mum is still enjoying the care home and absolutely loves her room.

I am getting used to her wearing other people's glasses, finding the new hearing aid hiding places, and having chats like we used to do. Although sometimes a little off the wall.

The lady who fell on Friday is not good and it has really knocked the stuffing out of her. It has shocked me how easily someone can fall over and nothing could stop it happening. Her knee is badly swollen but fortunately no broken bones but at 98 it has rendered her unable to walk. Hope she recovers soon she's a real character.

My friend has been diagnosed with cancer but now I can help her out too. Life is full of ups and downs so bring it on I can deal with it.


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MrsTerryN

Registered User
Dec 17, 2012
769
Glad to hear your mum is still settled. I am one of the people for whom the parent going into care was the best thing all round. Definitely don't that say it is perfect because it isn't. However mum is safe and warm/cool.
I don't have to stress about her falling over and breaking another bone.
 

Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
British Isles
So lovely to hear how well your Mum is doing. Sorry your friend has cancer, she will really appreciate that you now have the strength and time to support her.
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Didn't visit today!!!

Made myself not visit mum today but I am a mess tonight, upset and missing mum. How come she is OK and I'm not.

If she had spent another winter here she would not have been able to get out and about and she could have been isolated for weeks with just me, my husband and carers coming in. At least at the home she can get about easily.

I will visit tomorrow morning and then they are having xmas dinner at the home.

I have not taken her out for 3 weeks and think it will be OK now and she has settled so well and so next week she has a chiropody appointment so going there and then will take her for a coffee (coffee in the home is dire).

We have also booked a pub meal for the Sunday before Xmas at a place mum has been to for years and really likes. Didn't bother with the festive menu as mum won't eat a lot and my sister is a vegetarian. It will mean we don't have to try and get her in her old house or my sisters where there is only an outside loo downstairs (last year I bought a greenhouse heater for it so mum wouldn't freeze to death, not going through that again). Oh, and I won't get left with all the washing up. Think she will enjoy that.

I have had Xmas day with mum for the last 51 years apart from a couple, and I don't think I really enjoyed most of them as Dad had a drink problem which always got out of hand at Xmas. He has been dead for nearly 5 years and I never got chance to grieve over that as I got straight on with looking after mum and fighting with my sister. Now mum has gone into a home I am exhausted, aching, not sleeping, emotional, spotty and look awful. Everything I have done over the last 5 years has been for mum. Apart from all her care needs and personal needs, I have been making sure we had a good Xmas, making sure my sister saw her every week, organising presents from my mum for the rest of the family, sending cards from her for birthdays etc, wrapping the presents. Did they think she did it. Splitting myself between my husband, mum, the dog, cat and my sister (not necessarily in that order) and for the life in me I cannot motivate myself to do anything this year.

Maybe it's the natural point to stop pretending that mum is sending them cards and presents.

Right time to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
 

The Son

Account Closed
Dec 4, 2014
13
Xmas cards

Made myself not visit mum today but I am a mess tonight, upset and missing mum. How come she is OK and I'm not.

If she had spent another winter here she would not have been able to get out and about and she could have been isolated for weeks with just me, my husband and carers coming in. At least at the home she can get about easily.

I will visit tomorrow morning and then they are having xmas dinner at the home.

I have not taken her out for 3 weeks and think it will be OK now and she has settled so well and so next week she has a chiropody appointment so going there and then will take her for a coffee (coffee in the home is dire).

We have also booked a pub meal for the Sunday before Xmas at a place mum has been to for years and really likes. Didn't bother with the festive menu as mum won't eat a lot and my sister is a vegetarian. It will mean we don't have to try and get her in her old house or my sisters where there is only an outside loo downstairs (last year I bought a greenhouse heater for it so mum wouldn't freeze to death, not going through that again). Oh, and I won't get left with all the washing up. Think she will enjoy that.

I have had Xmas day with mum for the last 51 years apart from a couple, and I don't think I really enjoyed most of them as Dad had a drink problem which always got out of hand at Xmas. He has been dead for nearly 5 years and I never got chance to grieve over that as I got straight on with looking after mum and fighting with my sister. Now mum has gone into a home I am exhausted, aching, not sleeping, emotional, spotty and look awful. Everything I have done over the last 5 years has been for mum. Apart from all her care needs and personal needs, I have been making sure we had a good Xmas, making sure my sister saw her every week, organising presents from my mum for the rest of the family, sending cards from her for birthdays etc, wrapping the presents. Did they think she did it. Splitting myself between my husband, mum, the dog, cat and my sister (not necessarily in that order) and for the life in me I cannot motivate myself to do anything this year.

Maybe it's the natural point to stop pretending that mum is sending them cards and presents.

Right time to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
I bet everyone will appreciate the cards, I didn't even think of cards, we will now create a list of people with addresses this year from Mom and then every year we will when we needed (when/if she forgets) we will send them and rotate who will send them each year, so we are receiving them too.... what a great idea, thanks for that... an amazing inspiration.
 
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Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
You've made me smile. I prepare the cards and then pass them to mum to sign.


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Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Sympathy not required!!

Well I have told all my friends now and mum's cousins that she is now in a home and everybody has been great, some of my friends and family have even visited mum and very really surprised how nice it is.

However, it's the people who have never met mum or older people (but younger than mum) that just don't get it. If one more person says 'I'm sorry to hear to your has gone into a home' I might just scream

It's about time our attitude towards care homes changed. I have had good and bad experiences, but I believe that they can be great places that can give the dementia sufferer a new lease in life, if treated with dignity and love and given as much freedom and choice as they can manage. OK I might have rose tinted glasses on but we are all going to be old one day and surely a care home shouldn't be something to fear but a place of happiness, laughter and friendship, where family, friends and pets are welcome and daily life goes on especially in an EMI section where the residents feel useless because of their condition.

I might just have to open my own care home, it will have a bar, cinema, local rock bands playing on a Saturday night, a veg patch and greenhouse, a work room for sewing and tinkering and an internet café where you can Skype family and friends or just look for something online (all with assistance of course). Care homes of the future, now there's a thought.:)