Don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
I've tucked mum up in bed about 9pm and was choked up the whole time and still feel pretty low. It's the last time I will do that for her as she is going into a care home. I have looked after her for 4.5 years and always said that if she didn't know me then that would be the time. She calls me 'my dear' instead of my name and doesn't know she's still at home as she has already put herself in a care home. We moved in with her when my dad died. But I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I keep telling myself that she will be better off with other people with dementia and I will be able to spend quality time with her. But I feel like I have given up and don't know how I came to this decision.

I'm constantly trying to please everyone, mum, my husband, sister, dog, anyone but myself. I don't want to lose her or the glimmer of my old mum. It seems an impossible situation but I know too that I have to give a care home a go before I can't cope anymore. At least this way I have a choice about when and where she goes. I hate dementia.
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
You've used your head as well as your heart to make the best decisions you could for your Mum. None of us can do more.

Hopefully your Mum will flourish in the care home and you'll realise you made the right decision - as well as the best one you could make.
 

Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
British Isles
Dear Emomam - hoping the care home admission goes smoothly and do hope you are able to take someone with you to support you. You've cared for your Mum so long it is clear that the decision that it is time to get the help of a care home has not been taken lightly. You know that your dear Mum will unfortunately continue to get worse over time, but your continued support as a loving visitor and carer will be invaluable to her.

If it helps, just keep telling yourself that it is a trial for a month and that you will take a break and enjoy the respite. Do hope you are able to get some rest.

Take care
 

leedsfan

Registered User
Apr 1, 2012
421
Hello Emomam,

Please always remember even when your Mum is not living with you, you are still a carer and loving daughter. Also that it is the dementia that has made the decision for you. None of this is your fault or you Mums.

I will be thinking about you today and send you all my best wishes and a great big hug.

Jane
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
calmed down again.

Thank you everyone. It's good to talk to people that understand and I know this is the best thing to do for mum.

I have been fine during the day but bedtime is always a lovely time for us. It's where we have a big cuddle and a kiss and some of our best conversations. I hope someone in the home does that for her. That's when I get upset and end up in floods of tears.

She looks great for 83 but Mum's speech is deteriorating fast grappling for the right words but finding different ones instead. Your right though it is going to get worse and harder for me to cope.

It's going to take a while but we will be ok.

Thanks again. I just needed a little reassurance.
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,942
North East England
I don't know how close the CH is to where you live, but you could, if it is practical, always pop in at bedtime for a cuddle anyway. I'm lucky(?) that Mum's CH is only a ten minute walk...used to be five minutes but I'm aging too!...so I can pop round anytime I like. Some days visits are ten minutes and some days they are two hours.
 

Annebags

Registered User
Sep 2, 2014
45
Essex
Hi Emoman, I have just done this too and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Mum also is searching for words which will not come. You will still be her daughter and you will still be caring for her, albeit in a different fashion. I knew when the time had come and it sounds as if you do too. I don't pretend that it is easy; but you (and I) will adapt in time.

Only practical advice for me is look for a care home where a) the carers seem kind and b) where they will cope if mum gets worse. One move is traumatic enough, you don't want to have to move her twice.

Thinking of you, Anne x
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Your right.

Thank you everyone.

The care home is only 3 miles so I can pop in at bedtime. Hadn't thought of that one.

The care home is full of really kind happy carers and staff and the residents too. They have s pet cat and allow dogs to visit. There is no restriction on visiting times and you can bring as many things from home as you can fit in the room.

I am very lucky that I found it and a room was available. It all seems meant to be.

I've just had a call from a friend whose knows the situation, and she has just invited me to the pictures next week and I can go. That's a new experience.

Thanks for all the positive messages. Feeling a lot able to deal with this next phase.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Look for any positives you can

I think you should look back at all you have done and realise what a great daughter you are. Your Mum will live in a different place with 24hr care and you will still be her loving daughter. Someone else can do the less important stuff like washing and cleaning and you can concentrate on the stuff that is important to you and your mum.

Its hard to let go when you feel you should do everything but this way she gets a better version of you. You get to stay well and focus on being only a daughter again.

Like so many here you are a true hero. Your mum did a great job.:)
 

Solihull

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
97
West Midlands
Emomam, you are doing the right thing! You can probably visit your mom whenever you like if it's like the care home I found for my mom. I felt exactly the same nearly three months ago -guilt, sadness & yes failure. We now have lovely visits & she is comfy & gets lots of hugs from the carers. Now make time for yourself, I will be thinking of you xx Sue
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Abolutely amazing.

Mum moved into the CH today. It was upset most of the weekend and last night was awful.

When she woke up this morning she asked if it was today she was being picked up by the bus and I said no I was going to take her to the 'lodge'. She was really excited. We went out for some lunch and drove over and as soon as we got outside she was exclaiming how lovely it was. Walked inside and up the lift, through the sitting room where she said hello to everyone, then on to her room. When we opened the door she went in and straight over to the window looking at the view, which we knew she would do, she thought it was absolutely lovely. She loved the room, took her coat off we should her wear everything was (waste of time really cost she won't remember a thing, we thought). Back to the sitting room where she sat down with another lady, they introduced themselves and chatted and laughed. I could have cried I was so happy. We left her there while we sorted out the paperwork and went back about half an hour later, still there chatting and laughing away. As we walked up she said to the lady she was sitting with, 'these are my two friends'. She was so happy and smiling all the time. We went again to the room to see if she could recognise the picture on her door. She did first time and then she wanting to go back to the sitting room because someone had mentioned coffee and biscuits.

So we left her there and I will see how she is later (forgot the toilet frame, damn). Can't believe that there were no tears, and she knew exactly what was going on. We have talked about it all week. Maybe reality will hit later, but who knows. We will just have to wait and see.
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
Oh, tomorrow will bring it's own problems Emomam, cross that bridge when we come to it eh? :)

Soooo glad today went well, it could have been so different and it wasn't, it went well.

You'll have a better night's sleep tonight.

Moving into another big life change but you jumped a massive hurdle and lifted your Mum gently over the top. Well done. x
 

Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
Day 2

Didn't sleep well last night as it was too quiet and every time I woke up kept thinking about mum in the home. Try to fill the morning with chores as I promised myself I wouldn't visit until Wednesday. But, by lunchtime I was getting tearful and by 1pm I had found myself in the car driving to the home. Nearer I got the more choked I got.

I got there just after lunch and found in the sitting room, looked ok, clothes a bit mismatched but I can live with that. I walked over to her, 'morning love, how lovely to see you' and then proceeded to try to tell me about the awful thing she had just had, big yucky thing. Couldn't think what it was and was beginning to panic as I thought this was the beginning of I want to come home. The care assistant said that she had just had steak and kidney pie followed by bread and butter pudding with custard. Mum hates soggy puddings covered in custard! Apparently she ate it all anyway. Then she said 'oh look it's only 20 past 1'. I asked where she was looking and there was a normal round clock on the wall opposite and it was the correct time. Mum stopped being able to read the time over 12 months ago. Couldn't believe it.

Oops toilet required, oops didn't quite make it, thanks mum, my job is definitely not over.

Toilet drama sorted and 2 staff came to see if we were alright and 1 to ask if she would like a bath or a shower tonight. Ooo a bath how lovely, another tick. Had another look at the lovely view and the photos and headed off back to the sitting room. Booked her a haircut, hairdresser asked me loads of questions about mum and for a picture so she could cut her hair just how she likes it. Went back and told mum who was very happy.

Just then, everyone was asked if they would like to go to a concert downstairs, so I took her down and left her there with a large group of mixed residents to watch a female soloist.

I am so happy for mum I could burst. She seems to have got some life back and is making the most of it. It's a very happy place and I think we will be alright.
:D
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,537
South Gloucs
I could burst on your behalf! It's easy to remember all the times when we've heard about bad or mismatched care - but when it's RIGHT, as it so obviously feels, for your mum ... Ahhh ... There's nothing like it! Long may it continue xxx

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Talking Point mobile app
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
My Aunt has just gone into a CH she is so happy, all staff are so kind to all the residents, there are good homes its just finding the good ones, so pleased your Mum has settled so quickly. ♥♥♥

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Emomam

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
116
Yorkshire
There are great homes, I also researched for about a year looking for the things that were important to mum and our family. I narrowed it down to five before I even visited them. The first one I left feeling sad as I had heard good things about it but it was sole less.

The second one was the one I chose. From the moment I walked in it was friendly, homely, full of life and cheeky residents who made me laugh. Manager and staff spent time and patience in making sure it was the right home for us. Two trial days in different sections to see where she best fitted in. We were in and out of there so many times before she moved in and were always greeted with a hello and called by our names.

I think I have been lucky but I also think if I had left it any longer mum would have declined faster and would not be enjoying herself as much as she is.

My advice would be that don't leave it too late. They are always going to decline but it's how you manage it. Do you research well in advance so that when the time comes you know what is around and which ones you like the best.

Lastly go with the flow. I wanted one last Christmas with mum at home. I thought it would take ages to find somewhere but it too three weeks from walking in the door to her moving in.

Thanks for all your support it has been invaluable. I promise I will post more uplifting stories.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

caring a

Registered User
Mar 1, 2014
132
so pleased for you and your mum,
it is so reasuring to know things can go right,,i in simular boat as you,finding it very hard to think about moving mum to nursing home,i too am riddled by the guilt monster and thought id never be able to accept id sent her away(in my mind)but your story makes it that bit easier,,would you knidly keep us all informed how things go over the weeks,and hopefully mum keeps as happy and health as now,,best wishes
There are great homes, I also researched for about a year looking for the things that were important to mum and our family. I narrowed it down to five before I even visited them. The first one I left feeling sad as I had heard good things about it but it was sole less.

The second one was the one I chose. From the moment I walked in it was friendly, homely, full of life and cheeky residents who made me laugh. Manager and staff spent time and patience in making sure it was the right home for us. Two trial days in different sections to see where she best fitted in. We were in and out of there so many times before she moved in and were always greeted with a hello and called by our names.

I think I have been lucky but I also think if I had left it any longer mum would have declined faster and would not be enjoying herself as much as she is.

My advice would be that don't leave it too late. They are always going to decline but it's how you manage it. Do you research well in advance so that when the time comes you know what is around and which ones you like the best.

Lastly go with the flow. I wanted one last Christmas with mum at home. I thought it would take ages to find somewhere but it too three weeks from walking in the door to her moving in.

Thanks for all your support it has been invaluable. I promise I will post more uplifting stories.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

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