Does this trend for 'fun' funerals demeans the dead

[LYN T]

Hi Jimbo=well you have certainly started a good debate here

I was Christened and my first wedding was in a Church-but I have never believed in God. Obviously, I had no say in the first ceremony and the second I was rather bullied into having! So I haven't turned my back on my religion or beliefs as I never had them.

However, I do believe in the afterlife-but that doesn't involve a Supreme Being deciding who gets through the pearly gates and who doesn't.

My beliefs are my own so if I have offended anyone I apologise in advance.

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Do you think that hymns are frowned upon at humanist funerals?
I sincerely hope not - that would be sad on so many levels.

 

[meme]

a humanist funeral is just an opportunity to personalise everything....including hymns and or bible readings etc if wanted, but without the constraint of having to.

 

[Delphie]

Common sense tells me that I should let this thread die its ‘natural death’ like so many subjects do on TP
But in all the posts I have read I have not seen one that answers my question
Why, when so many of us have been brought up as Christians and followed the religion through baptisms, and weddings with all the sacraments and testaments of faith
Why do we turn our backs on this faith when we finally meet our Maker ???????

I don't think there's just one answer to your question jimbo.

As babies, we don't get a say in whether or not we're christened, and the choice of school is usually down to our parents too, so for most of us in the UK, middle aged people of my generation I mean, that would've been a school with a 'Christian' assembly with hymns and a prayer. Then when it came to marriage and getting our own babies christened, we might've had family expectations from our parents to live up to, rather than following our own heartfelt need to involve religion.

As time goes on, society seems to be getting more secular, so while people of our parents generation might've had societal pressures to go to church, and while we might've had family pressures to go through the motions as far as christenings and weddings, now we're the older generation those pressures are lessening, or even disappearing. Some people remain church going Christians, some become cultural Christians (no real belief but happy to sing their heads off during midnight mass kind of thing), and some simply have a think about it and decide that religion means nothing to them, and that's fine because these days no one bats an eyelid and there are non religious options for welcoming babies into the world, getting married in gorgeous surroundings or getting dispatched without a mention of god.

So, some people perhaps never even had a real faith to lose, but just went through the motions of what was expected of them.

Obviously there are also some who once had a genuine faith, and chose religious ceremonies to reflect that, but then lost it. My late father in law only became an atheist a few years before his death. After he retired he started to read a great deal and discovered a passion for philosophy and psychology, and after a lifetime of considering himself a Christian realised that he didn't actually believe in the tenets of Christianity. I think he was pretty surprised but there was no going back for him.

His funeral was an entirely secular one. Very beautiful and very much a celebration of his life. He went off with Somewhere Beyond the Sea.

 

[Moonflower]

My father's funeral was a church one, he was a churchgoer as was my mother. The service was, to me, awful. We had a very limited choice of 3 hymns and that was it - the rest of it ran as the vicar dictated. But it was what my mother wanted so fair enough.
Mum is now near me in Scotland, and when the time comes will be buried in Sussex with dad. There will have to be a church service because it is what she would have wanted, but the vicar who knew her has retired so the celebrant will be someone who never met her and unless some of her old neighbours turn up there will only be me and my immediate family there.
When I go, I would want the ceremony to be whatever caused my loved ones least grief. But although I was baptised, I really wouldn't want a Christian ceremony when I don't share the faith and genuinely think that a world without religion would probably be much pleasanter - and safer -for everyone.

 

[supporter1]

I read this thread with interest because I have thought about this quite often. I suppose my own feelings about funerals are a bit "out there" and I am aware of that. Firstly I lost all of my grand parents at the age of 13 and dutifully went to their religious funerals. I did not find it the least bit comforting and it has left a legacy as I now never attend funerals...

I have made it clear that when mum and dad die I will not be going .. that does not mean to say that I will not grieve because it is inevitable that they will be greatly missed but I have come to believe rightly or wrongly that their spirit or energy what ever you choose to believe is free and for me the funeral is a social norm to be endured.

I in no way wish to offend anyone I am talking only about my personal beliefs. My partner .. yes partner we chose not to marry, has the same beliefs . We have agreed that we will not have funerals merely a tree planted without any ceremony.

I find religion at the best of times something for other people but I do respect their beliefs but must admit to being comfortable in the knowledge that life is life and death for me means an end and that's it. I could be wrong who knows. If your religion brings you a sense to contentment then great but I feel that we should be respecting the persons own choices and values..

Please do not judge others we are all just trying to live and die in are own way . It is but a journey that we all make.

 

[Dill]

A relative of my husband died about a year ago and it was their wish to have no form of any service or celebration.
It did feel very strange not going to anything. I couldn't decide how I would have felt if it had been a close family member, I suppose I would have gone along with their wish.
Looking back it doesn't seem so strange, the funeral director thought it would become more popular.
Dill

 

[CollegeGirl]

A relative of my husband died about a year ago and it was their wish to have no form of any service or celebration.
It did feel very strange not going to anything. I couldn't decide how I would have felt if it had been a close family member, I suppose I would have gone along with their wish.
Looking back it doesn't seem so strange, the funeral director thought it would become more popular.
Dill

Hi Dill - One of my work colleagues/friends has stated that when her elderly mother dies, she will not be holding a funeral of any kind, because - her words - what's the point? I didn't even know this 'option' was available; I thought everyone had a funeral even if no-one attended. I was quite upset actually (not at the opinion, which I respect, but at the way it was expressed), but that's another story. Perhaps I'm just naive.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I have always felt that funerals are for the survivors, not the deceased. It's for the survivors to do whatever will comfort them the most. I do feel it's important to have some sort of event, whether it' a full blown old-fashioned funeral, a dinner, a quiet contemplation, a small gathering of friends and family - whatever works is good. I've told my husband I don't care what he does with my body or what ceremony he chooses, as long as he has a wake with lots of good food (no sandwiches for me) and booze. I would like to think people would share stories about me and keep me in their hearts.

 

[Pickles53]

Mum is now near me in Scotland, and when the time comes will be buried in Sussex with dad. There will have to be a church service because it is what she would have wanted, but the vicar who knew her has retired so the celebrant will be someone who never met her and unless some of her old neighbours turn up there will only be me and my immediate family there.
.

It probably depends on the church, but we were able to make contact with the retired minister of my mum's church, and with the agreement of the current minister he came back to conduct the service. It was such a relief as he had known both mum and dad very well and spoke about mum from the heart. Otherwise the service would not have been very meaningful to me. I'm not a churchgoer, and I didn't feel that the church were very supportive of mum when she could no longer go to services, but she was a lifelong church member so I couldn't have done anything other than a church service for her.

 

[Bree]

As I see it, it's up to the deceased to choose their own way of burial/funeral. My mum and dad both had church funerals because that is what they wanted.

For me it's a woodland burial, no religious service, not because I don't believe, but because to me if there is a God ( and I don't know yet ), he will know how I lived my life. I want to spend eternity not in some gloomy cemetery, but where the bluebells and trees grow in perfusion, with the birds and wild creatures of nature that I love.

My children know this, I will arrive to 'The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba' my favourite classical music, it will hopefully bring a smile to the faces of those who knew me ! The thought always makes ME smile.

 

[ellejay]

My sister knew she was dying & planned her funeral. We all had our orders. She wrote what she wanted to say & this was read out. Her music choice was played.

It was very meaningful & personal.

It's not for everyone, but for us it was right.

Lin x

 

[jan.s]

For me it's a woodland burial, no religious service, not because I don't believe, but because to me if there is a God ( and I don't know yet ), he will know how I lived my life. I want to spend eternity not in some gloomy cemetery, but where the bluebells and trees grow in perfusion, with the birds and wild creatures of nature that I love.

I couldn't agree more. We are both having a woodland burial, that has been our wish for a number of years.

 

[CollegeGirl]

How do you organise a woodland burial?

 

[ellejay]

How do you organise a woodland burial?

If you Google "Woodland Burials" it tells you all about it. There's one near us & the idea does appeal.

Lin x

 

[jan.s]

Hi CG, it's exactly what it says. We have one very close by, and it's absolutely beautiful. I sometimes take the dog for a walk there. It is an area of established woodland that has been designated as a burial area.

There are no grave stones, but memorial plaques, benches, bird boxes etc.

I don't find it as cold as a graveyard, it's just natural. Everything involved has to be biodegradable. The flowers are removed from any packaging and just laid on the grave.

I have been in contact with the local one and am looking at paying for a plot, so that part is organised for both Roger and myself.

 

[Tears Falling]

Great thread.. Since my mil passed as a family we have been much more open to discuss death and funerals. My oh and I didn't attend the funeral, partly because my oh couldn't travel but also because he didn't want to go. There was no point in his mind.

My dad now is talking more about he and mum organising and paying for their own funerals now. So that the family don't have to deal at a time that is incredibly difficult, which makes sense. He doesn't want money wasted on flowers, we have told him they will get one stem from each of their children .

Funerals I believe are for the people remaining and should reflect whatever is needed to bring them comfort whilst being respectful to the person who has passed. A time for letting go and celebrating the life and how thT person touched the lives of those who attend.

I like the thought of a woodland burial.

I have no doubt that should I pass before my oh he won't attend any funeral for me. And if it's the other way round I will struggle to carry out his wishes as he doesn't want a burial or cremation.

Open honest conversations are the only way to go on this subject in my opinion.

 

[chick1962]

I personally think the Church needs to adjust to modern times. It's stuck and old fashioned now, hence a lot of ppl turn their backs but that does not mean they don't have faith anymore


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[jimbo 111]

This thread has been an ‘eye opener ‘to me
The reason I first posted the article about ‘Humanist ‘ funerals was because of my genuine confusion about how people who have lived all their lives supposedly believing in the Christian faith suddenly turning against a traditional funeral for themselves
I never seemed to get an answer , in fact whenever I raised the subject people used to look at me as if I was ‘bonkers’

This thread has really made me think ,
The many replies , covering a wide spectrum of opinions ,many of them against my long held beliefs ; has really been ‘food for thought’

Whilst I have been really surprised at the number who claim quite clearly that they no longer believe in the traditional church funeral and Christianity ,I feel heartened by the tone in which they have expressed their own beliefs

They may not share my interpretation of their responses, but for all of their disclaimers in the Christian faith , I believe they are still at heart good Christians , they still believe in the basic tenets of the faith , and whilst they would not consider reading the Ten Commandments , they live their lives mainly in same way as those who are regular church goers
Compassionate and caring for those less fortunate
A code that they would perhaps not recognise , but is in many ways a continuation of their ancestors beliefs

I may perhaps give the wrong impression that I am ‘religious’
I am, as previously explained a lapsed Roman Catholic , in recent years my only presence in church has been to weddings and funerals

My late wife’s long illness with Alzheimer’s and her subsequent death , allied to
my own deterioration in health ,and old age , has made me think more about the purposes in life and to what extent the Church and Christianity has any bearing

With the help of this discussion I have concluded that it is not Christianity that has failed us , but the Church
jimbo

 

[Chemmy]

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins is an interesting read.