Does this trend for 'fun' funerals demeans the dead

[di65]

On the subject of Private funerals -

Personally, I don't like them. As someone has posted, funerals are for the survivors not the deceased. When a person passes that I know, I am disappointed if I cannot go and say my goodbyes to them and commiserate with the family and share my memories. We don't know whose lives we have touched on our journey through life, even though we may think we have had a quiet life. My MIL wants to have a private funeral as she says that 'all my friends have passed away'. She doesn't realise that her three sons all have friends that know her and would like to pay their respects to her and comfort the family she has left behind. We are all undecided whether or not to respect her wishes, but she will probably come back and haunt us all if we don't. I think she is worried that her sister-in-law will attend the funeral. She has had a bad and spiteful relationship with her for many years. As a child I was prevented from attending my Grandfathers funeral by my Uncle (Mum and Dad presumed I was in another car), who had arranged for all the children to be cared for for the day. I was very upset at this and have never got over this. I was 12 for goodness sake, but my Uncle had decided that funerals were no place for "children". I guess this experience has coloured my opinions of private funerals and people not being able to attend if they wish to

 

[Soobee]

...This thread has been an ‘eye opener ‘to me
.. they live their lives mainly in same way as those who are regular church goers
Compassionate and caring for those less fortunate...
jimbo

Yes, humanists and those who are atheist are a varied bunch but most people, religious or not, do live in the same way. We don't stop caring just because we don't believe. It does not change our respect or understanding. As an atheist I live in much the same way as I used to when I went to Sunday school or Church Parades as a youth.

I have never been to a 'fun' funeral and I have been to several that aren't religious. The emphasis has been on the person, how they lived and what they would want.

My parents both had mixed services - neither were religious but like Jimbo they got married in church, christened their children (only so that we could marry in church too) and sent us to Sunday school (so they had some time alone together!). My dad and I discussed religion towards the end of his life and he believed there must be something in it; he hoped for an afterlife. I don't believe there is anything but I am open to the idea if it can be proved.

My brother-in-law held both services, he's a lay minister from South Africa and he was terrified of getting things wrong. My dad had Elton John's 'Funeral for a Friend' at the start - his favourite piece of music ever. We sang Neil Diamond's 'Sweet Caroline' which was difficult because it really touched us all. A family member read a few little stories about him and I read a poem I'd chosen. He went out to Elton John's 'Song for Guy'. I'd brought roses from their garden and everyone who wanted to threw them on the biodegradable (water hyacinth) coffin.

Dad had previously asked to me to research Woodland Burials. I looked these for up for him but he told me to choose it for him as he was too ill by this time. So he is buried in a lovely field which will become a wood. He has no marking on his grave (but a tree) and a slate plaque in a memorial near the entrance.

Mum always said she wanted to be buried next to him. So she is. She had specified that she wanted the hymn "Fight the good fight" because she always felt that she did that with dad. We were happy to oblige. She had a similar ceremony delivered by my brother-in-law. We chose a song 'Turn, turn, turn' but I'd chosen it because Max Boyce was a favourite of hers and we didn't use his version in the end which I felt was a big mistake. The same family member talked about mum and I read a poem for her too. We read Pam Ayres poem 'Woodland Burial' at the graveside.

I say it was a humanist service in the sense that it was about my parents and not about God. There were a couple of bible passages in there and prayers and blessings but the entire services were about the people and not their religion. I have hated funerals where they have barely mentioned the deceased, let alone show them the respect they deserved for their own service.

If anyone is interested in woodland burials I would be happy to talk further about it by PM. I go to visit my parents every few months and enjoy sitting on a little bench in the corner for an hour. It is my meditation and relaxing place where I feel at peace and I would also like to be buried there with my husband when the time comes.

I'm having Hazel O'Connor's 'If Only' as one song. I might have a hymn as well.

 

[shelagh]

Last weeks funeral

This has been a really interesting thread. At my mother's (humanist) funeral last week there was no mention of God but a lot of pseudo spirituality 'she has gone beyond the stars etc etc' The Humanist conductor of the funeral took lots of liberties with the script she had been given and included four of the most dreadful poems I have ever heard. My sister whispered to me ' are we at the right funeral?' But we chose music she loved and the main thing was her huge family of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren and their friends came together to show their respect and support for each other.
What are funerals for? To comfort the living, to reflect the wishes of the dead? A bit of both? I'm just not sure. The most dreadful funeral I ever went to was the funeral of a young recently married colleague who committed suicide. The family asked for a celebration of her life, no black, cheerful music, which is what happened. But it seemed a total denial of the anguish of her young husband and her family. The manner of her death was never mentioned. Was that right or not. As someone who has dementia it has made me realise I must talk to my family about the kind of funeral I want and make sure we are all OK with it. Thank you for all the honest comments.
Shelagh

 

[Bree]

SooBee

I'm having 'Fields Of Gold', I just love that song, and quite apt I think.

 

[Saffie]

I have returned during the past half hour from planting forget-me-nots and primroses by the side of the site where my husband's ashes have been buried and where, in a few weeks, his tablet will be laid. Once the tablet is in place, I will plant daffoldils around it.

I know that some city churchyards can be austere places and I have to say that I would not have chosen such a place to lay my husband's ashes to rest but this is so different.
It is in our small country church just outside the village and it was so lovely and peaceful there, overlooking fields and woods, that I don't think I could have found a nicer place in which to remember happier times with him. My memories in the house are such sad ones that it is a relief to be able to feel a sense of peace there.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

That sounds so beautiful and peaceful, Saffie.

 

[jan.s]

That all sounds lovely Saffie. I have a picture in my head.

 

[Spamar]

Interesting , Soobee, I was always disappointed in my mothers funeral, I thought it could have been so much better and no mention was made of the many things she did. Uncaring minister, I think.
My fathers funeral was completely different. The then minister, who knew him slightly, talked to my cousin and I about him and really got the feel of him, warts and all!
Pity really, it should have been the other way round.
They were both church services at the parish church where they were married. I have no idea who chose hymns etc, don't remember that I did.

 

[Saffie]

Thank you Joanne and Jan. It took me a long time to decide where to place the ashes or where to scatter them but I think that I just might have got it right. I hope so. x

 

[WIFE]

Saffie - your "special" place sounds so peaceful and perfect just outside the village. Saddened to learn that your memories within the house are not so peaceful - but I do understand what you are saying. I walk around here wishing for the impossible - to find my husband in his usual chair reading the newspaper, watching the television, or doing a crossword or suduko. Have to be content with memories of better times and of his Funeral which I feel was suitable for him. Not humanist, but not overly religious either.

 

[jan.s]

Thank you Joanne and Jan. It took me a long time to decide where to place the ashes or where to scatter them but I think that I just might have got it right. I hope so. x

I'm sure it's a perfect spot, chosen with love. X

 

[lexy]

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[lexy]

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[lexy]

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[jan.s]

Silence can be very uplifting too. I went to one of these "happy clappy" Churches once with my mum, and we could not get out of the place fast enough. It was like a karaoke bar in a pub on a Friday night, awful, and it did not seem to me to be religious in anyway. Many people go into a Church to find some peace and gather their thoughts, why some places think that we all have to pretend to be happy and make a bloody noise is beyond me.

Everyone makes their own choices, and I don't feel it is for me to be critical of another person's way of worshipping.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I went to one of these "happy clappy" Churches once with my mum, and we could not get out of the place fast enough. It was like a karaoke bar in a pub on a Friday night, awful, and it did not seem to me to be religious in anyway.

It's that old saying, Lexy, "Different strokes for different folks". A lot of it, not just funerals but all sorts of experiences and tastes, are based on what a person has grown up with. Some people crave the traditions they grew up with, while others have found new ones which suit them better. There is no question of right or wrong in my mind, just differences. Certainly there are styles which I would not like at all but then I have the option of not participating in whatever it is I don't care for.

 

[lexy]

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[lexy]

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[Canadian Joanne]

Yes I agree, my views are based on how I was brought up and the value's I was taught as a child. I just think sometimes today some children are not taught these values. I think the word "fun" is what I find so distasteful.

Yes, I do think the word "fun" in connection with a funeral is inappropriate, at best. I don't object to the word "celebration" because although the word has taken on the connotations of a joyful event, it originally referred to a public ritual.

We should remember the term "fun funeral" was used by a journalist trying to drum up as much controversy as possible. Don't get me started on the current state of "journalism". It's a pet peeve of mine.

 

[jan.s]

I was merely expressing an opinion, I do not belong to the politically correct "brigade" and never want to. Unlike you, I do feel I should be able to be critical of people's way of worshipping in a polite way, its called free speech.

I am not entirely sure why I deserve such a response.