I have been looking after my husband for nearly five years with alzheimers and vascular dementia. I struggled without help until last September when as a last resort I put him in respite for a week. I did not tell him what was happening until I was leaving and he said he was not staying. After the first couple of days he had settled quite well and so I decided to book him in for daycare. At first two days and then four days. It was the best thing I could do. I do feel guilty and I feel worse when I leave him for respite but the feeling of freedom and having some life back is good. The awful thing is that I struggle on the three days he is not in daycare, which makes me feel really guilty. I feel that we should be having quality time together but it isn't and I find myself looking at the clock and longing for bedtime.
I think the difficulty is that we are constantly doing whats in their best interest but sometimes we need to do things for ourselves. After all we didn't ask to be in this situation. It doesn't make it any easier though and the feeling of guilt is still there.
Good luck and go for it, you will not regret it.
I don't think I've read a single post to do with Day Care, or Residential Care, where the word
"guilty" hasn't been used - from myself included. I wanted John to have stimulating conversations and activities, and I wanted some time to myself.
At first I frivolously thought that the time could be used to do things for me, but after years of sleepless nights, all I wanted was the chance to have a few hours sleep, without being woken up and asked "is it Thursday?" (his favourite question) or "what time does the plane leave?", or some other nonsensical request.
John, who was never the slightest bit artistic, enjoyed "painting" various items of pottery, and decorating these with sequins, and other adornments from the craft box at the Day Centres. I greeted each offering enthusiastically, on the same level you would greet your child's first effort at nursery, and one day John asked if he could join the Advanced Craft Class.
This cost another fiver, but there were only 3 people attending, and I provided copies of photos, which were used to make lovely collages. All these items now have pride of place in my home. We're all, as carers, only trying to do our best. Some of us may have been blessed with a character akin to Mother Theresa's, others may have more in common with Cruella De Ville!
And I know I can say, with my hand on my heart, that had our roles been reversed, John would not have coped well in the capacity of carer. He was great if I had a cold, which was usually a short illness, but he did not cope well when I had breast cancer, and was not blessed with the infinite supply of patience needed when looking after someone with AD.
We all need a break, and though Day Centres may not be all that we desire for our loved ones, they do give us a break. Good Luck xxx