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Day care . I'm in turmoil.

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
So pleased you had a good result with day care. It sounds lovely. I tried it with my husband and he got barred after 3 visits :(

How I wish he could have accepted it and enjoyed it - maybe it could have enabled me to cope for longer.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
I dropped oh at day care sneaked out whilst be had a coffee.Felt as light as a feather when I left like a weight had been lifted. Had a nice day. Went to pick him back up at 4. He was all smiles They say he had a great day chatting joining in.On leaving he hugged them all thanked them said he'd had a wonderful day and would see them tomorrow .On the way home he told me how lovely everyone was.Still can't believe it.
Oh that's great! I'm so pleased for you. :)
 

Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
Pontypool
Mindy, that's great news, long may it last! Enjoy your new found freedom whilst you can. xxxxxx


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
So pleased you had a good result with day care. It sounds lovely. I tried it with my husband and he got barred after 3 visits :(

How I wish he could have accepted it and enjoyed it - maybe it could have enabled me to cope for longer.
Could it just have been the wrong place ? Is it worth looking at others.
This is a standalone centre by the new build care home. Just for non residents . It just is wonderful.It is a family owned home and the founded is now resident which must say something.
No one could have been more worried than me.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Could it just have been the wrong place ? Is it worth looking at others.
This is a standalone centre by the new build care home. Just for non residents . It just is wonderful.It is a family owned home and the founded is now resident which must say something.
No one could have been more worried than me.
mindy just read your post about the day centre - so pleased and it sounds fantastically warm and welcoming. How lucky to have found somewhere so good - well done x
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Day Centres and Care Homes can vary enormously. Just like schools, hospitals, restaurants and hotels. We've all visited places that others have raved about, only to be disappointed, and I think the same applies to care, either permanent or daily, for our loved ones.

We're all looking for the very best, with every box ticked, and sometimes you don't get that straight away, if ever. John attended 3 different places, and the one he enjoyed the most was only open in our area, on one day a week, for 4 hours, but it offered the most variety, had the best staff to clients ratio - and was also the cheapest.

Sadly, as he deteriorated, he wasn't able, or willing, to participate in activities as much as he had, and would tell me the staff had guns :eek: but it was marvellous.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
Day Care

I'm going tomorrow to see a local home that does daycare. The truth is I am really struggling with sleepless nights and lonely days. Oh just sits staring or berates me saying he is leaving me etc,or disappears. C MHT have assured me that this is the right thing to do. My son and daughter support this,they say they can see the impact on me. My neighbour thought I should have done it before now. So it seems the time is right.
My OH is coming with me but has no idea what I am thinking of .What if he realises , he may well flip. The home has said it is best for him to come with me, and I actually have no option as I can't leave him. . I have been putting it off, I think because I worry its not the right time for him ( although from what others say I am somewhat blinkered).Anyone out there been through this.

Hope it works out for you. I get day care once a week from 11am till 3 pm. It gives me a break. Husband is fine as carer / nurse meets everyone at the door and this is an excellent tactic. He thinks it is a club. You need breaks so go for it.

Aisling ( Ireland)
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello Mindy 1 you are doing the right thing at the right time, l left it too long!!! You must have a break, or you will have a breakdown, we think we can cope, but we are not Superwoman, don't leave it too late, you need a break from caring for you OH. I hope all goes well for you.
 

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
Yorkshire
I dropped oh at day care sneaked out whilst be had a coffee.Felt as light as a feather when I left like a weight had been lifted. Had a nice day. Went to pick him back up at 4. He was all smiles They say he had a great day chatting joining in.On leaving he hugged them all thanked them said he'd had a wonderful day and would see them tomorrow .On the way home he told me how lovely everyone was.Still can't believe it.
Wonderful to hear. We are going to try this next week. I am very apprehensive at the moment


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Second day today. Oh is going to go Mondays and Fridays but thought two days together to start may be a good idea.
So yesterday as said earlier was fantastic Today ,got up ,got dressed ,breakfast . I said right we are going out now, a complete change from the norm. Got his coat on into the car. Never asked where we were going. Travelled to the day centre,got out of the car,straight to the door ,I rang the bell. In we went .He was greeted by the staff like a long lost friend they made him a coffee and biscuits. Yesterday I sneaked out, today I said right I'm off I will see you later. He said where are you going I said the dentist. When will you be back. ? About 10.30! ( it was then 10.00) He said that's OK see you later and I left.
Got home and cried, no I wailed, I feel so alone without him even though he drives me to distraction. I can get on with my day which is fab, but just the thought that one day he will be gone forever overwhelmed me for a while. Picked him up at 4.00. They said he had been a little unsettled in the afternoon.Had his coat on when I got there but he was playing bowls. Got in the car he said they were all very lovely but they didn't want him to leave. He kept saying he had to go but they kept asking him to stay and join in and he didn't want to be rude so he did. They must like me he said. Why wouldn't they I said , you are nice to be with. He said I suppose so ,I've had a nice day with my friends,but very busy. Result I would say.
I am so grateful to the miracle workers that I only discovered yesterday.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Second day today. Oh is going to go Mondays and Fridays but thought two days together to start may be a good idea.
So yesterday as said earlier was fantastic Today ,got up ,got dressed ,breakfast . I said right we are going out now, a complete change from the norm. Got his coat on into the car. Never asked where we were going. Travelled to the day centre,got out of the car,straight to the door ,I rang the bell. In we went .He was greeted by the staff like a long lost friend they made him a coffee and biscuits. Yesterday I sneaked out, today I said right I'm off I will see you later. He said where are you going I said the dentist. When will you be back. ? About 10.30! ( it was then 10.00) He said that's OK see you later and I left.
Got home and cried, no I wailed, I feel so alone without him even though he drives me to distraction. I can get on with my day which is fab, but just the thought that one day he will be gone forever overwhelmed me for a while. Picked him up at 4.00. They said he had been a little unsettled in the afternoon.Had his coat on when I got there but he was playing bowls. Got in the car he said they were all very lovely but they didn't want him to leave. He kept saying he had to go but they kept asking him to stay and join in and he didn't want to be rude so he did. They must like me he said. Why wouldn't they I said , you are nice to be with. He said I suppose so ,I've had a nice day with my friends,but very busy. Result I would say.
I am so grateful to the miracle workers that I only discovered yesterday.
I was so encouraged to read your post. Might 6 hours be a little too long, do you think? John usually only coped for 4 hours, or a wee bit longer. I know what you mean about feeling sad and wailing, and I did that, and so I suspect, did a lot of other folk.

And when he died, I wailed a lot more. But that may not be for a long time for you, and when the day comes, you'll get through it, with the help and support of everyone on TP. I'm so glad you're getting the break that you badly need xxx
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
I was so encouraged to read your post. Might 6 hours be a little too long, do you think? John usually only coped for 4 hours, or a wee bit longer. I know what you mean about feeling sad and wailing, and I did that, and so I suspect, did a lot of other folk.

And when he died, I wailed a lot more. But that may not be for a long time for you, and when the day comes, you'll get through it, with the help and support of everyone on TP. I'm so glad you're getting the break that you badly need xxx
6 hours is a long time for him but it is an hour round trip for me so any less would give me little timeHe is not tired in the evening like I thought he might be. I think today he must have gone to the quiet room for a sleep as his hair looked a bit like he had been lying on it. There are two lovely small rooms with two comfy reclining chairs, TV if they want it or music or nothing its up to them .
I just cannot describe how wonderful this place is. Very bright, modern, clean ,no smells, they seem to have thought of everything. So 6 hours it is.
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
So pleased you had a good result with day care. It sounds lovely. I tried it with my husband and he got barred after 3 visits :(

How I wish he could have accepted it and enjoyed it - maybe it could have enabled me to cope for longer.
BARRED :eek::eek:

It was a day care centre for goodness sake. What did they think they were going to have to cope with. People with dementia are so unpredictable and they should have been prepared for this.
Please try another more professional centre - they really are lifesavers for the carers:)
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
6 hours is a long time for him but it is an hour round trip for me so any less would give me little timeHe is not tired in the evening like I thought he might be. I think today he must have gone to the quiet room for a sleep as his hair looked a bit like he had been lying on it. There are two lovely small rooms with two comfy reclining chairs, TV if they want it or music or nothing its up to them .
I just cannot describe how wonderful this place is. Very bright, modern, clean ,no smells, they seem to have thought of everything. So 6 hours it is.
I'm sorry, I had no idea how long it took you to get there. My "round trips" were never more than 20 minutes, and some were much shorter. You enjoy your precious "me" time :)
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
my post

So pleased you had a good result with day care. It sounds lovely. I tried it with my husband and he got barred after 3 visits

How I wish he could have accepted it and enjoyed it - maybe it could have enabled me to cope for longer.




BARRED :eek::eek:

It was a day care centre for goodness sake. What did they think they were going to have to cope with. People with dementia are so unpredictable and they should have been prepared for this.
Please try another more professional centre - they really are lifesavers for the carers:)
I live in a little village and the day care centre was in the next village and was run by Age UK. A nice Age UK man, who worked with the CPN and who OH had bonded with, took him and introduced him, but even on that first day while the man was still there with him, he took his eye off him and he was out down the road. I think most there were just elderly and didn't have dementia, and my OH looks a lot younger than his years and is fit and active. My OH had aggressive episodes and was continually trying to get out -they didnt have locked doors - and they could not cope. I just assumed then, as I know his character, that any day centre would not be suitable, and no alternative was offered. It is too late now as he is in a care home. I also used to take him every week for a pub lunch with a group of men friends and to his local pub on Sundays to leave him with his friends for an hour, but he got too difficult to continue with that. He was, and still is, mostly ok when I take him out and stay with him, but I needed him to have those outings to have a break.

I hope mindy's OH continues to get on at his day centre which sounds wonderful. I so wish I had discovered this forum while I still had OH at home - so much good advice here - maybe I could have coped at home for a little longer
 

ma120990

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
14
Southampton
Day care

Reading though the various posts, I can only relay some of the thoughts that mum had for our dad. He had always been a solitary fellow and therefore wasn't that keen on day care, but mum did managed to get him to go, as long as she was with him. I think she found it helped her more than it did dad as it certainly helped reduce her feeling of isolation.

In the end as dad became less mobile we opted for getting people in. This had a cost, but it did allow mum a chance to nip to the shops are at least have an hour to herself. The people that came in were very good and seemed to have good knowledge of dementia. They were also the same people we got in to help when dad could no longer sleep at nights. Sis, mum and myself covering some of he nights until dad was admitted to the general hospital with cancer.

I think each case needs to be taken on it's merit, our dad was not a good group person, but equally others may be better. The best interests of the individual and indeed the carer need to be borne in mind. From my mums perspective, having support from us as her children and additional professional back up was probably what saved the day for her, so we must do what feels right
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Reading though the various posts, I can only relay some of the thoughts that mum had for our dad. He had always been a solitary fellow and therefore wasn't that keen on day care, but mum did managed to get him to go, as long as she was with him. I think she found it helped her more than it did dad as it certainly helped reduce her feeling of isolation.

In the end as dad became less mobile we opted for getting people in. This had a cost, but it did allow mum a chance to nip to the shops are at least have an hour to herself. The people that came in were very good and seemed to have good knowledge of dementia. They were also the same people we got in to help when dad could no longer sleep at nights. Sis, mum and myself covering some of he nights until dad was admitted to the general hospital with cancer.

I think each case needs to be taken on it's merit, our dad was not a good group person, but equally others may be better. The best interests of the individual and indeed the carer need to be borne in mind. From my mums perspective, having support from us as her children and additional professional back up was probably what saved the day for her, so we must do what feels right
So well put. What suits one may not suit another, and if you strike gold first time, that's wonderful. xxx
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Reading though the various posts, I can only relay some of the thoughts that mum had for our dad. He had always been a solitary fellow and therefore wasn't that keen on day care, but mum did managed to get him to go, as long as she was with him. I think she found it helped her more than it did dad as it certainly helped reduce her feeling of isolation.

In the end as dad became less mobile we opted for getting people in. This had a cost, but it did allow mum a chance to nip to the shops are at least have an hour to herself. The people that came in were very good and seemed to have good knowledge of dementia. They were also the same people we got in to help when dad could no longer sleep at nights. Sis, mum and myself covering some of he nights until dad was admitted to the general hospital with cancer.

I think each case needs to be taken on it's merit, our dad was not a good group person, but equally others may be better. The best interests of the individual and indeed the carer need to be borne in mind. From my mums perspective, having support from us as her children and additional professional back up was probably what saved the day for her, so we must do what feels right
My oh was never agroup person and that was a concern. But he joins in with all the activities and is loving it. He refers to his new friends. I have the support of my children but for me I don't want them to be involved in any care they have a life to lead.
So to anyone making assumptions as to their oh reactions I would say give it a go you may be very suprisedI know I am..