I know Mindy, have decided mostly it's just ignorance on other people's part.As they don't spend time with them, they have no idea. Last week stepdaughter texted me saying sorry she was reluctant to "commit Dad to the lockup..." At least I feelshe has some understanding, but I'd never have put it like that to someone. Sometimes we'd just like a bit of appreciation, wouldn't we?
Day care . I'm in turmoil.
- Thread starter 1mindy
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I would look for a smaller daycare centre. I don't think would have coped with a 'sea of chairs' either, so the one my husband went to was in a former house which had been re-configured, so presented a homely atmosphere to the 'guests'. There were only about 10 people there at any one time, and the staff didn't have a uniform, enhancing the homely feel. He was picked up in a van most days, and was a great help in their kitchen (never at home - LOL) helping make muffins for their morning and afternoon teas and making himself busy.
Whatever you decide, you getting a viable break and him being happy is the main thing to consider.
Wishing you well
Di
Whatever you decide, you getting a viable break and him being happy is the main thing to consider.
Wishing you well
Di
Glen Miller !
I shall keep looking I know it is best for both of us.
As a aside whilst we were there they put the music on. Glenn Miller I questioned this and they said they loved it !Now my husband is 70 he's never listened to Glenn Miller. My .mum died at 80 eight years ago and she couldn't understand why the home played it. She loved Motown and the seekers etc but never did we have glenn Miller in the house is it just me ?
I shall keep looking I know it is best for both of us.
As a aside whilst we were there they put the music on. Glenn Miller I questioned this and they said they loved it !Now my husband is 70 he's never listened to Glenn Miller. My .mum died at 80 eight years ago and she couldn't understand why the home played it. She loved Motown and the seekers etc but never did we have glenn Miller in the house is it just me ?
Hi Mindy, Seem to be heading for the same sort of day as you. OH up and showered at 3am. (don't know why). Came back to bed but is now alternatively sulking or fussing (checking for wallet, phone etc). After disturbed night I'm in no mood for this but know from past experience reasoning will not work anyway. We have two builders and hairdresser visiting today hope he can get into "host" mood.
Understand your comment about Glen Miller but at least it's easy listening, when my mother in law was in a home they played what the carers wanted - Radio 1 (inane chatter). David Bowie for me today.
Regarding day care hope you can find one away from an actual care home. We seem to have three which operate in halls around here. Haven't enquired about vacancies though. Good luck today.
Understand your comment about Glen Miller but at least it's easy listening, when my mother in law was in a home they played what the carers wanted - Radio 1 (inane chatter). David Bowie for me today.
Regarding day care hope you can find one away from an actual care home. We seem to have three which operate in halls around here. Haven't enquired about vacancies though. Good luck today.
About a year before John needed Residential Care, I went on a Care Home Crawl, similar to a Pub Crawl, but without the drinks. 
I never went at mealtimes, but always went unannounced, and was able to get a fantastic insight into the different ways these places operated.
I am anally organised, so had a check list, including enquiring about the ratio of carers to residents, meal times, choices, activities, how often were the residents weighed, what was their policy regarding calling the GP etc etc.
When it comes to Day Care however, this is usually an option when your other half is still lucid at times, but can be argumentative, needing constant care and attention, may lose the ability to differentiate between day and night, which means the carer has reached the end of their tether, is totally exhausted and, in my case, wonders what either John, or I, did to deserve this.
Try as I could, I couldn't maintain my patience all day, every day, and these Day Centres provide a break for both of you. Unless you have 1:1 care, there are always going to be things that don't appeal to everyone - but what can you do? Lifelong friends disappear, everyone has their own busy lives, and unless you're blessed with a massive extended family, who will give you a break, Day Centres are the answer.
I paid for carers 3 times a week to bath John, (he kicked me when I tried to bath him) and he liked some, and disliked others, whereas at a Centre, there are a range of staff, and other people to interact with. Everyone looking into either Day Care or Residential Care has my sympathy, as it's something we never thought we'd have to do. But we're all only doing our best to cope with this hateful disease, and its consequences.
I never went at mealtimes, but always went unannounced, and was able to get a fantastic insight into the different ways these places operated.I am anally organised, so had a check list, including enquiring about the ratio of carers to residents, meal times, choices, activities, how often were the residents weighed, what was their policy regarding calling the GP etc etc.
When it comes to Day Care however, this is usually an option when your other half is still lucid at times, but can be argumentative, needing constant care and attention, may lose the ability to differentiate between day and night, which means the carer has reached the end of their tether, is totally exhausted and, in my case, wonders what either John, or I, did to deserve this.
Try as I could, I couldn't maintain my patience all day, every day, and these Day Centres provide a break for both of you. Unless you have 1:1 care, there are always going to be things that don't appeal to everyone - but what can you do? Lifelong friends disappear, everyone has their own busy lives, and unless you're blessed with a massive extended family, who will give you a break, Day Centres are the answer.
I paid for carers 3 times a week to bath John, (he kicked me when I tried to bath him) and he liked some, and disliked others, whereas at a Centre, there are a range of staff, and other people to interact with. Everyone looking into either Day Care or Residential Care has my sympathy, as it's something we never thought we'd have to do. But we're all only doing our best to cope with this hateful disease, and its consequences.
Oh was so bad today my daughter went on her own to feed back to me. Bless her she is 26 ,day off work and looking for a home for her dad,not good. She found out today that the good ones have waiting lists and strongly advised us to get on the list even if we are not at that stage yet. I would have waited til the crisis and then expected to get what we wanted . ,Anyway she found one has a wonderful day care facility,very modern carers aged in their 40s but one at 62, she thought they were all very organised and lovely with the people there. They only take 10 and it is not for the residents. So I'm going next week to see what I can sort.
We cant find any bookable respite. I've booked to go to NY with daughter and friends 1st April .Not sure what to do about that one yet.
We cant find any bookable respite. I've booked to go to NY with daughter and friends 1st April .Not sure what to do about that one yet.
Unfortunately, the harsh facts with respite, or permanent Care Home places, is that, if they're popular, you have to wait for a vacancy, which means waiting for someone to die. If they have space and can accommodate you, with ease, you have to ask yourself why they're in that position.
If you are hoping to go away on 1st April, I would involve Social Services in this, and say that you have to have respite, urgently, and have a Carer's Assessment. They can then phone round places for you, and perhaps pull a few strings. Good luck xxx
Update
So today has been a whirlwind. Cmht nurse and social worker came this morning. The social worker was just amazing and lovely.She said if I carried on as I am then she wouldn't be surprised to get a call from me to say I am leaving as I can't do it anymore. Muchgoingon alongside oh. So she organised for oh and I to see day care unit which has spaces. Coincidence my daughter saw it yesterday and raved about it.Long storey short oh has agreed to give it a try onThursday. Mixed emotions but there are only ever 10 people max and it is standalone, so not accessed by the residents. New build and lovely.Social worker also looking at respite for me. Update Thursday.
So today has been a whirlwind. Cmht nurse and social worker came this morning. The social worker was just amazing and lovely.She said if I carried on as I am then she wouldn't be surprised to get a call from me to say I am leaving as I can't do it anymore. Muchgoingon alongside oh. So she organised for oh and I to see day care unit which has spaces. Coincidence my daughter saw it yesterday and raved about it.Long storey short oh has agreed to give it a try onThursday. Mixed emotions but there are only ever 10 people max and it is standalone, so not accessed by the residents. New build and lovely.Social worker also looking at respite for me. Update Thursday.
Day care when do we get to that stage
Hi I'm new to all this although my husband 79 has had dementia for over two years ,I've only just got him diagnosed officially .at what stage do we need daycare ?
Day Care/Home care
Daughter took hubby to look at a Day Care Centre he did not like it and now have
amazing lady who comes twice a week,she does so much with him,chats more to her than me!
So lucky,life is not that rosey ,at times its lke living with a child.
Our village has set up a care group so it will be lovely to talk to others.
Daughter took hubby to look at a Day Care Centre he did not like it and now have
amazing lady who comes twice a week,she does so much with him,chats more to her than me!
So lucky,life is not that rosey ,at times its lke living with a child.
Our village has set up a care group so it will be lovely to talk to others.
I must say that was my view when I did the care home crawl a couple of years ago and discovered that the ones I liked had long waiting lists but strangely I missed the one that Bernard is now in, which had vacancies when we needed a place. My immediate reaction was no way can it be any good but felt I should look, it wasn't as pretty as some but had a nice feel about it and the rest, as they say, is history. I can't fault the care. I think the reason they have vacancies is because it was owned by someone else a few years ago and did have a bad reputation but it's been taken over by new management and the inspection reports are fine now sadly a bad reputation takes a lot of shifting. So just saying it's worth checking the inspection reports and go to places with an open mind, decor isn't everything. xx
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I think this must be an individual thing. My friend said I should have been sorting it months ago as his decline has been rapid. I think I have been burying my head.I still struggle with it but after today I know I have made the right decision.
Day care best solution ever
Use day care, it saved us, I worked full time and with out day care I would have had to pack up work to look after my wife but that was and is secondary, she really loves it and looks forward to going, at first there was a bit of resistance but that soon wore off.
I credit the day centre the people she meets and the activities the do, the interaction my wife has there as being the main reason she still functions on a high level. It truly stimulates her. She really looks forward to going, has many friends there, clients and cares, it also will gives me the chance to get on with the house work without keeping looking over my shoulder to check everything is ok with her. Use day care its a life saver.
Use day care, it saved us, I worked full time and with out day care I would have had to pack up work to look after my wife but that was and is secondary, she really loves it and looks forward to going, at first there was a bit of resistance but that soon wore off.
I credit the day centre the people she meets and the activities the do, the interaction my wife has there as being the main reason she still functions on a high level. It truly stimulates her. She really looks forward to going, has many friends there, clients and cares, it also will gives me the chance to get on with the house work without keeping looking over my shoulder to check everything is ok with her. Use day care its a life saver.
Thanks for that. All responses re day care have been very positive. I did give up work but am hoping if all goes to plan I can get back to doing something part time maybe. He seems to remember bits of yesterday's visit and he is very positive.
I guess the answer to that is when you feel you need a break. Mick wants me with him 24/7 literally. I would just like a few hours to go to the hairdresser, have a pedicure, nip to somewhere for a quick task or attend a meeting. I am still a governor of a local NHS Trust.
You will know when you need a break although it sometimes takes a while longer to acknowledge it.
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I read this after I wrote ' you will know when you need it but it takes a while longer to acknowledge it'. That seems to be exactly your situation and it is what I am facing now. We visit tomorrow and I'm dreading it in a way.
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Just wonderful.
I dropped oh at day care sneaked out whilst be had a coffee.Felt as light as a feather when I left like a weight had been lifted. Had a nice day. Went to pick him back up at 4. He was all smiles They say he had a great day chatting joining in.On leaving he hugged them all thanked them said he'd had a wonderful day and would see them tomorrow .On the way home he told me how lovely everyone was.Still can't believe it.
I dropped oh at day care sneaked out whilst be had a coffee.Felt as light as a feather when I left like a weight had been lifted. Had a nice day. Went to pick him back up at 4. He was all smiles They say he had a great day chatting joining in.On leaving he hugged them all thanked them said he'd had a wonderful day and would see them tomorrow .On the way home he told me how lovely everyone was.Still can't believe it.
Not everything we anticipate to go badly, does so! So pleased to hear all went well.
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