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Day care . I'm in turmoil.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by 1mindy, Jan 8, 2016.

  1. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    I'm going tomorrow to see a local home that does daycare. The truth is I am really struggling with sleepless nights and lonely days. Oh just sits staring or berates me saying he is leaving me etc,or disappears. C MHT have assured me that this is the right thing to do. My son and daughter support this,they say they can see the impact on me. My neighbour thought I should have done it before now. So it seems the time is right.
    My OH is coming with me but has no idea what I am thinking of .What if he realises , he may well flip. The home has said it is best for him to come with me, and I actually have no option as I can't leave him. . I have been putting it off, I think because I worry its not the right time for him ( although from what others say I am somewhat blinkered).Anyone out there been through this.
     
  2. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    I would just say, "Do it!" 1mindy. I couldn't survive without it and it's been tough while daycare has been closed. Don't tell him anything. I said it was a club where there would be things to do. Say whatever you have to, if you have to, that you think might relate. We went for 2 trial days; I stayed most of the time. After that, I slowly reduced how long I stayed. It's like leaving a child at school, they said he was fine when I wasn't there.
    Hope all works out OK.
     
  3. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,693
    Mindy, I'd echo optocarol - say or do whatever you have to, but get him there and do everything you can to make sure he keeps going. DC is an invaluable support - when you are lucky enough to get it! - and I'm another who couldn't cope without it. Mil goes, but has always tended to object. We told her it was the 'doctors orders' that she go, initially, to 'exercise her brain'. At one stage she was convinced that it was a job - sometimes a voluntary job, sometimes paid - and we got her there by telling her that they depended on her and she just couldn't take a 'day off' when she fancied it. She still sometimes thinks its work she goes too, though more often that its 'school' these days and she cajoles and begs for a day off several times a week. I have just learned to stay very firm and insist - I usually get told that I'm a 'cruel Mum'. Although she insists that she doesn't want to go, 90% of the time, the routine definitely helps. I can't say she is always 'fine' there and enjoys it - but then I can't say that about the days she stays at home either. DC is more about US getting a break - and I refuse to feel guilty about it, because without it, there would be no way that we would have the energy to sustain looking after her at home.

    I know it isn't easy - but for both your sakes, do everything you can to ensure he goes, hun xxx
     
  4. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello mindy1 my OH went to daycare, l went with him l stayed a while as he seemed happy, after l left he wanted to leave, he would not go again, see how your hubby is he may like it, you must have a break from caring, as it only gets worse, my OH went in to a CH for 2wks respite as l had carer's burnout, he is still there 4months later, as they said he needed full time care, they didn't know how l managed without help. Try to find a day care centre not a care home, as your hubby might know where he is, my hubby didn't know, he still doesn't know where he is. Take care of yourself.
     
  5. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    I told my husband it was a lunch club. I had to take him on one day but the other day they laid on transport and he was always much better about going when the bus picked him up, I'm not sure why. Perhaps he liked the extra attention. He usually moaned about it when he got back but I think he enjoyed it much of the time, and I knew he was getting some stimulation other than sitting in front of the TV. Persevere if you can you obviously need time for yourself. Good luck. xxx


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  6. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thankyou all. I will brace myself and let you know how our visit goes.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,879
    Kent
    Even if it doesn`t go very well, try to judge the home and the staff, rather than your husband`s reaction.

    You won`t be able to ask the questions you want with your husband there so try to put something in writing which you can slip to the manager and perhaps they will phone you with answers.

    Good luck. It`s a rotten situation to be in but you know your husband`s condition won`t improve and today he is at the best he will be.
     
  8. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    When John first went to Day Care, he did nothing but complain, so I made a pact with him that he should give it " a few weeks" and see how things were then. He settled in eventually, but, from my own selfish point of view, I really needed the break, just so I could sleep for a few hours.

    Eventually, he went 6 days a week, to various places, and if I could have found somewhere open on a Sunday, he would have gone there too. When he eventually went into Residential Care, for the last few months, I told him it was a hotel.

    I wish you the best of luck xxx
     
  9. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Update. I could hardly hold it together my oh is not like the other people there. I know he is but he's my husband, smart ,clean tidy very trendy, ( wears jeans and desert boots same as our 24 y.o son and looks fab ). He is physically fit. Going into a sea of chairs is not for me .Oh seemed OK about if. Looking at 4 more on Monday now just for respite for a week in April.Can't face daycare. Now going to look for someone to come in at home to give me the break.
     
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    I understand. There are a couple of things that I would add to this thread
    Many people find that day care prolongs the amount of time that the person can live at home.
    The earlier he becomes accustomed to some kind of daycare the easier it will be in the future
    Your OH may benefit from both company and activities in a decent daycare facility with some younger members and other men more than just being on his own at home.

    There are not many places for younger people with dementia but some local authorities do have some days which are allocated and so do Crossroads Care in some areas. However sometimes it is the quality of the activities that makes the difference

    Just some thoughts, its not for everyone but most find it makes a massive difference
     
  11. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex

    I know it's heartbreaking when you first view these places. I wanted to find somewhere that had people better than John was, in the hope of keeping him going for longer, but I think the most telling part is where you say "OH seemed OK about it".

    Why not give each place, that he's OK about, a short trial period, say a couple of visits? One of the places my husband went to was called a "Peer Group Club", but when you read the literature, it was for folk with dementia.

    They had structured activities and it was very well run, and it might be worth you seeing if there is one in your area. The other clubs weren't quite so structured, but alas, many folk do just sit in chairs, and when he goes for respite, you may well find that, according to the various stages of AD that the residents have, there is a lot of chair-sitting. I wish you luck sweetie - I know it's so hard for you. xxx
     
  12. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    Hi. I'm going with husband on Friday to look at a day care centre. It's taken me quite a while to realise I have to take this step for both our sakes. Let us know how you get on. Best wishes x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  13. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    472
    North West
    Hi Mindy. I too am thinking about day care for my OH and the only thing holding me back is I think I will have the same reaction as you. We managed quite well during the summer when there was work/pottering/tea drinking to do in the garden but these long dark days are taking a toll.

    My OH is at present sitting in a chair looking out of the window. I purposely got him to put up lots of bird feeders near the house so he has lots to look at. We will go for a walk to get a paper soonish. It's not much of a life for someone who was always busy.

    OH has been attending a course, once a week, put on at memory clinic to help cope with dementia. More than half way through and he hasn't appeared very enthusiastic, can't remember what had happened, who was there, etc. but when I updated the diary and wrote "last meeting" he was very upset. So what I'm trying to say is even if we think something is unsuitable/boring it is interesting to them. i.e. bird watching/people watching.

    We did attend a couple of preparatory meetings together and OH responded really well to the kindness and interest of the staff, Real life must seem so overwhelming to them at times.

    I wonder also if it is pleasant for them to be in a group where they aren't the weakest. I notice over the holidays that OH was so often quiet and on the edge of conversations.

    What a surprise. OH has just come in and asked if he should wash the car now. He had wanted to do it yesterday but I said wait until tomorrow because the forecast is better. He remembered, I didn't. That's why thinking about day care is so difficult at the moment. He needs extra stimulation but in a safe environment.

    Please let us know what you decide and how it works out.
     
  14. gwincy

    gwincy Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    17
    Cheshire
    I have been looking after my husband for nearly five years with alzheimers and vascular dementia. I struggled without help until last September when as a last resort I put him in respite for a week. I did not tell him what was happening until I was leaving and he said he was not staying. After the first couple of days he had settled quite well and so I decided to book him in for daycare. At first two days and then four days. It was the best thing I could do. I do feel guilty and I feel worse when I leave him for respite but the feeling of freedom and having some life back is good. The awful thing is that I struggle on the three days he is not in daycare, which makes me feel really guilty. I feel that we should be having quality time together but it isn't and I find myself looking at the clock and longing for bedtime.

    I think the difficulty is that we are constantly doing whats in their best interest but sometimes we need to do things for ourselves. After all we didn't ask to be in this situation. It doesn't make it any easier though and the feeling of guilt is still there.

    Good luck and go for it, you will not regret it.
     
  15. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    I don't think I've read a single post to do with Day Care, or Residential Care, where the word "guilty" hasn't been used - from myself included. I wanted John to have stimulating conversations and activities, and I wanted some time to myself.

    At first I frivolously thought that the time could be used to do things for me, but after years of sleepless nights, all I wanted was the chance to have a few hours sleep, without being woken up and asked "is it Thursday?" (his favourite question) or "what time does the plane leave?", or some other nonsensical request.

    John, who was never the slightest bit artistic, enjoyed "painting" various items of pottery, and decorating these with sequins, and other adornments from the craft box at the Day Centres. I greeted each offering enthusiastically, on the same level you would greet your child's first effort at nursery, and one day John asked if he could join the Advanced Craft Class. :eek:

    This cost another fiver, but there were only 3 people attending, and I provided copies of photos, which were used to make lovely collages. All these items now have pride of place in my home. We're all, as carers, only trying to do our best. Some of us may have been blessed with a character akin to Mother Theresa's, others may have more in common with Cruella De Ville!

    And I know I can say, with my hand on my heart, that had our roles been reversed, John would not have coped well in the capacity of carer. He was great if I had a cold, which was usually a short illness, but he did not cope well when I had breast cancer, and was not blessed with the infinite supply of patience needed when looking after someone with AD.

    We all need a break, and though Day Centres may not be all that we desire for our loved ones, they do give us a break. Good Luck xxx
     
  16. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    If my Ma hadn't gone to a lunch club she would not have been able to stay independent to the end because I would not have coped. It was a case of survival - yes, really!
     
  17. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    My OH is on waiting list for care, but I certainly wouldn't have lasted this long without daycare, so agree 100%
     
  18. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    My thoughts

    You are looking at day care through your eyes. Take a step back and try to look at it through his eyes. How he views the world now.

    Your expectations and his 10 years ago may have matched. His world is different now, as is yours.

    You need him to go to day care to get him, and you, used to others caring for him because one day you both might need more help from others, and a gentle introduction to others caring is much better than a crisis situation

    Thinking of you. It's not easy xxxxxx



    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  19. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    A wonderful response, 2jays, and so very true xxx
     
  20. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    I know we need something. I lost it today when he shouted at me saying I was always telling him what to do.I resisted home truths but said I'd do everything myself and slammed off. Why does no one seem to understand what it is like.All friends and family make the right noises but no one says I will come over and give you some company or relief. Sorry that's just thought in black and white.
     

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