Constant fights

[Tiggerdwarfy]

I am trying to find out if anyone has the same problem that I am having. My mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia,she is 78, and my dad is the same age and is her carer.

My problem is that my dad keeps siding with my mum, even if what she wants is unreasonable. I don't know whether he is doing it for peace and quiet or whether he actually thinks that I am the problem. I seem to have gone from being the best daughter in the world to the most to selfish. Any time I do something that they (my mother) don't like or agree with, like going to spend Christmas with my brother, his wife and their new baby, in California, they phone me to say how upset they are and what a selfish person I am.

My brother who is so far away from everything that is going on with my parents says that they are not thinking logically and are using me as their emotional punch bag.

My dad has said that, if it comes down to a choice between my mum or my brother and I, that he will always side with her.

Sorry for the length of the post but I have cut it down from the original one


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[Grannie G]

Hello Tiggerdwarfy

I`m with your dad on this. he has to keep on the best side of your mum to make life easier for both of them.

This doesn`t mean you have to do everything they want you to do but please understand your dad has to live with this and as the primary carer he gets the back lash.

So you go to spend Christmas with your brother, the break will do you good. But please remember there is no break for your dad.

 

[Kevinl]

Hi Tigger
Difficult one to call, I'm a dad with a wife with AZ (just so you know). I tell my kids to come if they've nothing better to do but don't feel obliged to. My wife's memory is such that taking her to the local for an hour on Xmas day lunch gives her more pleasure than the kids being here might. One hour of being around a load of happy, singing drunks where her condition goes unnoticed works better than 48 hours of trying to be polite torture does for the kids, however, if you're all they have to look forward to at Xmas you can see how they might feel if you're not going to be there.
That aside you say "my dad keeps siding with my mum, even if what she wants is unreasonable". "Siding with your mum seems to exonerate your dad from any part of the decision process, you also said "Any time I do something that they (my mother) don't like or agree with" starting to sound like you have a big issue with her and you might be making dad piggy-in -the -middle. Your mum has AZ, she's no longer herself, your dad is just trying to make it work as best he can try not to fall out over it, life's too short.
K

 

[Tiggerdwarfy]

Thanks for the replies.

I totally understand how awful it must be for my dad because my mother was a difficult woman even before she was diagnosed.

My parents have refused all help offered to them by their practice psychiatric nurse and they won't let anyone from Alzheimer Scotland come and see them.mi have written to my dad's doctor on several occasions to tell her how depressed my dad is and what a strain he is under. We are worried that the stress is going to kill him. Every time my dad sees the doctor he insists that he is fine so we can't force him to accept help. My mum is forgetful and repeats things but hasn't forgotten our names or anything yet but I believe she gets angry and accuses my dad of moving things etc. She is on anti-depressants which help the moods a bit.

My husband and I live in Edinburgh, my parents near St. Andrews and my brother in San Francisco. My husband and I go across every month and now only stay over for 1 night, at my parents request, because it is too draining for my mum to have visitors.

My brother and I suggested giving my parents an ipad so that they could FaceTime my brother and be able to see and talk to their grandchild who is now 14 weeks old. They don't want one so we make sure that we FaceTime my brother when we are over visiting my parents so that they get to see my niece.

I asked my dad if they would like to join us for a long weekend at a cabin that has an outdoor hot tub because I thought I could spend time with mum and dad could get some respite but he said no to that idea as well.

How can I help them if they won't accept any help?

I know that my mum is ill so I don't get upset if she says something nasty it is the fact that my dad has started to agree with everything she says and I feel like I am losing him as well.

The whole thing about us going to California for Christmas is down to a few things:-

1. My brother asked if we would like to spend it with his family for my nieces first Christmas
2. My brother only get 10 days leave a year so Christmas is when we would get to spend the most time with him and his family
3. My parents say that they have no interest in Christmas any longer and we would only be able to spend the day with them versus 16 days with my brother.
4. In the whole 50 years I have been alive I have only spent 5 Christmases away from my parents. One with our son, two with my husbands parents, one with my husbands sister and one in California with my brother.

You could say that this might be their last Christmas but we could be saying that for another 10 years yet so do I not spend Christmas with my niece until she is possibly 10?

Thanks for taking the time to read this rather lengthy post and apologies for the rant.

I suggested getting a pin board and calendar so that they could write things down as reminders for my mum but they said no to that.




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[ellejay]

How can I help them if they won't accept any help?

You can't really. As others have said, your dad is trying to cope as best he can. I know it feels like you're banging your head against a wall, but realistically all you can do is be there for your dad if he asks for help.

As for your Christmas plans, you don't have to justify having a life outside of your mum & dads. Your husband & your brother & family are your family too.

Don't allow your wellbeing to fall victim of this illness.

There are others on TP who have similar situations, so you are not alone in this.

Be kind to yourself

Lin x

 

[Moonflower]

Hello Tiggerdwarfy
I think there are two seperate things going on here:
How you cope with difficult comments from your parents
How you get them to accept help.

In my opinion, of course you must visit your brother for Christmas, and have a lovely time. There are lots of things you can offer your parents - you would only be visiting for the day, so you could have a special visit before you go instead, or when you get back, so that you could show them video/photos etc. You could be in the "maybe the last Christmas" position for many many years - I have been. It's not fair on you - or the other people who love you - not to do other things as well as visit your parents.

As for how you can get them to accept help, I suspect that you can't until they want to. This is incredibly hard, and frustrating, but probably all you can do is to wait and watch until a crisis happens and they begin to accept assistance.

What might work, is writing things down for your dad. So for example with the Christmas visit, you could write a little note explaining that you are going to see your brother (for all the reasons you have explained, just gently telling him that this is what you are doing, not asking for permission) and making suggestions for alternative celebrations with them

For the assistance your dad is refusing, you could do a bit of research and write down helpful information for him, contact numbers, leaflets etc.

That way he can digest the information as and when he is ready to do so, and can have the "space" to do his thinking when your mum is having a "good day".

 

[FifiMo]

It is frustrating isn't it? unfortunately as long as your dad refuses help then there is little that is going to change is there? From your point of view however just reconcile your feelings with the fact that you have done the best you can for them both. Continue to make the offers and suggestions then leave them just as that. Once you create an expectation in your own mind then you create your own suffering when things don't meet them. Of course it would be lovely if, from time to time, your dad might take the initiative and encourage your mum to go along with your suggestions. I suspect however that his reason for not doing this is because their home has become a place of security for your mum and that it is the best (perhaps even the only) place for her to feel secure and confident. It could just be that your dad is making the decisions based on what is best for your mum and not with the intent of upsetting you.

We had the same issue about Christmas in our house. For my parents there was never ever anywhere that we could expect to be than with them! It wasn't even conceivable to them that just once, we might choose to do something different. What they couldn't see was that by demanding a presence rather than it being voluntary, they were creating resentment which built up over the years. So, we compromised. In your position, could you spend the day with them, stay over night and fly out to the US on Boxing Day perhaps? Is there any way that they could go with you? Persuade dad that everyone would be there to pitch in and that they would get to see their family together. Yet again, perhaps make the offer and if it is refused, then you have at least tried.

Fiona

 

[Raggedrobin]

Sorry to be really gloomy, but do you think there is any chance your father is displaying early signs of dementia? just a thought, if you feel he is being less and less reasonable, he may be hanging on to a sort of rational because he isn't sure how to cope himself?

one thing I do wonder about, is maybe they find it a strain having you to stay. i know it's a bit of a hike to St Andrews and back for the day, but would it be better to make your visits just for the day. I think a lot of older people find overnight visitors a bit of a strain and you may not see the fallout after you have visited, which your dad does?