Christmas....

[Sonya1]

Somehow it doesn't seem fitting to wish folk a 'Merry/Happy/Joyous Christmas' on here, when we are all, in one way or another, in a battle with the despicable diseases under the dementia umbrella, in addition to any other circumstances which may be affecting how we feel.

So this post is really just, in the spirit of Christmas, a message to all of us. It's ok, to let go of the old traditions if they no longer fit our family dynamic. If they make us feel super stressed from the relentless pressure to have the 'perfect' celebrations. If they make us feel sad rather than happy.

It's ok not to wrap copious pretty gifts, decorate lavishly and cook a 5 course meal!

Some of us have people at home who will become heartbreakingly confused or even aggressively agitated by the departure from the norm, the noise, the bustle, the people. Some of us will have loved ones in residential care homes, or nursing homes, or psych wards... who no longer know who we are or who are mithered by our visits. Some of us will have recent losses which are still too raw to bear. Some of us, bitterseet memories of Christmasses past that can no longer be.

So if that's you - and this year it is me, because my Dad is 'missing' and my son is overseas.... it's ok to not have decorated your tree properly yet (I haven't) to still be wrapping gifts, to be looking at the muddles that still haven't magically transformed into an instagram worthy festive photoshoot, to not have hung all the cards...and to be planning a casual buffet of all our favourite things in lieu of an enormous dinner.

My reduced family and I will visit my Dad, maybe have a brief videocall with our son, we will relax with some board games, go for a walk and binge something on TV and eat far too many desserts, and start making different memories for how our Christmas looks now!

And, dare I say it, I will think of the meaning of Christmas and be thankful. But I will also wonder who on earth would allow good people to be ravaged by this godforsaken disease and shed some tears .

And that's ok.

I don't wish to offend anyone and please do tell me if I have, but this feels a safe place to be truthful about how I really feel at Christmas time.
I need some grandkids!!

Love to you all xx

 

[Kevinl]

It's OK, cool yule to you too hunny.
K

 

[special 1]

Hi there. You are right in saying those things as you have hit it on the nail. God Bless.

 

[Spottydog1]

Somehow it doesn't seem fitting to wish folk a 'Merry/Happy/Joyous Christmas' on here, when we are all, in one way or another, in a battle with the despicable diseases under the dementia umbrella, in addition to any other circumstances which may be affecting how we feel.

So this post is really just, in the spirit of Christmas, a message to all of us. It's ok, to let go of the old traditions if they no longer fit our family dynamic. If they make us feel super stressed from the relentless pressure to have the 'perfect' celebrations. If they make us feel sad rather than happy.

It's ok not to wrap copious pretty gifts, decorate lavishly and cook a 5 course meal!

Some of us have people at home who will become heartbreakingly confused or even aggressively agitated by the departure from the norm, the noise, the bustle, the people. Some of us will have loved ones in residential care homes, or nursing homes, or psych wards... who no longer know who we are or who are mithered by our visits. Some of us will have recent losses which are still too raw to bear. Some of us, bitterseet memories of Christmasses past that can no longer be.

So if that's you - and this year it is me, because my Dad is 'missing' and my son is overseas.... it's ok to not have decorated your tree properly yet (I haven't) to still be wrapping gifts, to be looking at the muddles that still haven't magically transformed into an instagram worthy festive photoshoot, to not have hung all the cards...and to be planning a casual buffet of all our favourite things in lieu of an enormous dinner.

My reduced family and I will visit my Dad, maybe have a brief videocall with our son, we will relax with some board games, go for a walk and binge something on TV and eat far too many desserts, and start making different memories for how our Christmas looks now!

And, dare I say it, I will think of the meaning of Christmas and be thankful. But I will also wonder who on earth would allow good people to be ravaged by this godforsaken disease and shed some tears .

And that's ok.

I don't wish to offend anyone and please do tell me if I have, but this feels a safe place to be truthful about how I really feel at Christmas time.
I need some grandkids!!

Love to you all xx

 

[Spottydog1]

It's all so sad,and sometimes I don't know how to act normal anymore. Doing normal things ,when I feel my heart is so empty. I hate this cruel condition,who has ever deserved this. My husband certainly never. I will see him tomorrow for a few hours and spend the rest of the time acting " normal " around family ,and keep my crying and sadness to later in bed. Please every one going through this have some peace and hope.x

 

[maisiecat]

Couldn't agree more with your sentiments. I am forcing myself to do all the things but truthfully I would have liked to have gone to sleep for 2 weeks and woken up when its done. Nobody deserves to suffer from the ravages of dementia but the bit that makes me furious is the cruelty,lack of support and indifference of the people who are meant to the help. So this is my list of the people I won't be thanking this Christmas....Community mental health team, NHS,Social workers, Social services,Local Authority and especially the Financial services of LA. Bah humbug.
And for all of us I wish peace and some glimpses of our "real" loved ones

 

[Oma]

We held Christmas at the beginning of December when our son visited, he cooked a lovely meal at our daughter’s, my husband was fine until we sat down to eat, he refused to eat, was insulting about food.
Son was fine he’s an adult and gave dad extra pudding and custard, this was followed by husband getting agitated and demanding to go home NOW. The son was going to bring his car around, but husband wanted to go NOW. It ended with husband going off the rails shouting at son and daughter, grandchildren in floods of tears, it was horrendous.
He was uptight until we went to bed and still full of anger the following morning shouting at me threatening to slap me.
To cut story short I’ve cancelled Christmas Day which should be at my daughter’s with her in-laws. Yesterday she came with the two girls and we opened some presents and they left.
There is a big family gathering of his side of the family on Boxing Day that’s been crossed out for us, the family have been put in the picture. One of the nephews called and saw husband get agitated and the anger in his face, which I glad was witnessed by his side.
So it’s old films which are going down well at the moment he has forgotten all the stars names and keeps asking who’s that? Which is fine.
It will just be me making myself sentimental and sad on my own from time to time. He is quite happy in his own self centred world.
I send good wishes to all others in similar situations. Chin up I’m going to celebrate with daughter and grandchildren when he starts back at daycare while the children are still off school, don’t know what we will do yet, but I’m up for being naughty 😈

 

[Palerider]

Somehow it doesn't seem fitting to wish folk a 'Merry/Happy/Joyous Christmas' on here, when we are all, in one way or another, in a battle with the despicable diseases under the dementia umbrella, in addition to any other circumstances which may be affecting how we feel.

So this post is really just, in the spirit of Christmas, a message to all of us. It's ok, to let go of the old traditions if they no longer fit our family dynamic. If they make us feel super stressed from the relentless pressure to have the 'perfect' celebrations. If they make us feel sad rather than happy.

It's ok not to wrap copious pretty gifts, decorate lavishly and cook a 5 course meal!

Some of us have people at home who will become heartbreakingly confused or even aggressively agitated by the departure from the norm, the noise, the bustle, the people. Some of us will have loved ones in residential care homes, or nursing homes, or psych wards... who no longer know who we are or who are mithered by our visits. Some of us will have recent losses which are still too raw to bear. Some of us, bitterseet memories of Christmasses past that can no longer be.

So if that's you - and this year it is me, because my Dad is 'missing' and my son is overseas.... it's ok to not have decorated your tree properly yet (I haven't) to still be wrapping gifts, to be looking at the muddles that still haven't magically transformed into an instagram worthy festive photoshoot, to not have hung all the cards...and to be planning a casual buffet of all our favourite things in lieu of an enormous dinner.

My reduced family and I will visit my Dad, maybe have a brief videocall with our son, we will relax with some board games, go for a walk and binge something on TV and eat far too many desserts, and start making different memories for how our Christmas looks now!

And, dare I say it, I will think of the meaning of Christmas and be thankful. But I will also wonder who on earth would allow good people to be ravaged by this godforsaken disease and shed some tears .

And that's ok.

I don't wish to offend anyone and please do tell me if I have, but this feels a safe place to be truthful about how I really feel at Christmas time.
I need some grandkids!!

Love to you all xx

What a very fitting and relational post. The apprehension, Christmassy tingly feel that we grow up with fades away in the world of dementia sadly. In the end we grapple with the most extraordinary scenarios and life throws other curve balls at us as well as this awful disease. The once tingly feel becomes one of dred as we try to maintain normality when that is sometimes the worse thing we can do. Our journeys are all different with some common themes running through and these are the things that enable us to relate to each other.

That said I have decided if anything happens tonight I will just have call a taxi, vodka martini with a twist, stirred not shaken -Merry Christmas fellow pilgrims

 

[scotlass]

I'm wishing you all the merriest Christmas you can possibly have, which ever way you want to spend it , and I hope it's a peacefull one . and I'll have one of those that you're having, xx

 

[Grannie G]

Somehow it doesn't seem fitting to wish folk a 'Merry/Happy/Joyous Christmas' on here, when we are all, in one way or another, in a battle with the despicable diseases under the dementia umbrella, in addition to any other circumstances which may be affecting how we feel.

So this post is really just, in the spirit of Christmas, a message to all of us. It's ok, to let go of the old traditions if they no longer fit our family dynamic. If they make us feel super stressed from the relentless pressure to have the 'perfect' celebrations. If they make us feel sad rather than happy.

It's ok not to wrap copious pretty gifts, decorate lavishly and cook a 5 course meal!

Some of us have people at home who will become heartbreakingly confused or even aggressively agitated by the departure from the norm, the noise, the bustle, the people. Some of us will have loved ones in residential care homes, or nursing homes, or psych wards... who no longer know who we are or who are mithered by our visits. Some of us will have recent losses which are still too raw to bear. Some of us, bitterseet memories of Christmasses past that can no longer be.

So if that's you - and this year it is me, because my Dad is 'missing' and my son is overseas.... it's ok to not have decorated your tree properly yet (I haven't) to still be wrapping gifts, to be looking at the muddles that still haven't magically transformed into an instagram worthy festive photoshoot, to not have hung all the cards...and to be planning a casual buffet of all our favourite things in lieu of an enormous dinner.

My reduced family and I will visit my Dad, maybe have a brief videocall with our son, we will relax with some board games, go for a walk and binge something on TV and eat far too many desserts, and start making different memories for how our Christmas looks now!

And, dare I say it, I will think of the meaning of Christmas and be thankful. But I will also wonder who on earth would allow good people to be ravaged by this godforsaken disease and shed some tears .

And that's ok.

I don't wish to offend anyone and please do tell me if I have, but this feels a safe place to be truthful about how I really feel at Christmas time.
I need some grandkids!!

Love to you all xx

Well said . @Sonya01



I felt this a while ago when local radio was discussing the best Christmas commercials on television.

When people are going to food banks, in danger of losing their homes and struggling with ill health, is the best Christmas commercial of any importance to anyone?

I hope people will be able to enjoy what they can and those who have little to help them feel festive will know some of us care.

 

[Jale]

@Sonya1 , you are so right. The last Christmas my Dad was here he was poorly, 2 days later went into hospital and died a month later (he didn't have dementia). Now every time we put our tree up I look at the chair that he sat in that last day and I cry.

Tomorrow I will go and see mum in her nursing home, Christmas doesn't mean a thing to her now, in fact I'm still debating whether to take her present in wrapped up or just give it to her - last year she unwrapped her gifts and threw them on the floor. This year she can't even open an envelope.

Hubby and I will have our dinner and then take the dogs out for a long walk, before returning home and raising a glass or 2 to my Dad and hope that Mum doesn't have to lay and linger for much longer. I hope that you will understand my sentiments for this - if it upsets anyone then I apologise.

I hope that you all survive/celebrate Christmas in your own way and will raise a glass to you all tomorrow.

Take care everyone.

 

[GillP]

@Sonya1, wise words and sentiments which clearly resonate with so many people. I think we need to do what is right for us without giving in to pressure.

 

[Sonya1]

We held Christmas at the beginning of December when our son visited, he cooked a lovely meal at our daughter’s, my husband was fine until we sat down to eat, he refused to eat, was insulting about food.
Son was fine he’s an adult and gave dad extra pudding and custard, this was followed by husband getting agitated and demanding to go home NOW. The son was going to bring his car around, but husband wanted to go NOW. It ended with husband going off the rails shouting at son and daughter, grandchildren in floods of tears, it was horrendous.
He was uptight until we went to bed and still full of anger the following morning shouting at me threatening to slap me.
To cut story short I’ve cancelled Christmas Day which should be at my daughter’s with her in-laws. Yesterday she came with the two girls and we opened some presents and they left.
There is a big family gathering of his side of the family on Boxing Day that’s been crossed out for us, the family have been put in the picture. One of the nephews called and saw husband get agitated and the anger in his face, which I glad was witnessed by his side.
So it’s old films which are going down well at the moment he has forgotten all the stars names and keeps asking who’s that? Which is fine.
It will just be me making myself sentimental and sad on my own from time to time. He is quite happy in his own self centred world.
I send good wishes to all others in similar situations. Chin up I’m going to celebrate with daughter and grandchildren when he starts back at daycare while the children are still off school, don’t know what we will do yet, but I’m up for being naughty 😈

@Oma - being naughty sounds like a really good plan! It must be so terrifying for the grandchildren my kids (my Dad's grandkids) are young adults so are able to understand and withstand to a degree.

 

[Sonya1]

What a very fitting and relational post. The apprehension, Christmassy tingly feel that we grow up with fades away in the world of dementia sadly. In the end we grapple with the most extraordinary scenarios and life throws other curve balls at us as well as this awful disease. The once tingly feel becomes one of dred as we try to maintain normality when that is sometimes the worse thing we can do. Our journeys are all different with some common themes running through and these are the things that enable us to relate to each other.

That said I have decided if anything happens tonight I will just have call a taxi, vodka martini with a twist, stirred not shaken -Merry Christmas fellow pilgrims

View attachment 69713

@Palerider that looks delicious! Yes, the tingly feeling of excitement becomes one of uncertainty when in the dementia journey . Have the best day you can!

 

[Sonya1]

@Sonya1 , you are so right. The last Christmas my Dad was here he was poorly, 2 days later went into hospital and died a month later (he didn't have dementia). Now every time we put our tree up I look at the chair that he sat in that last day and I cry.

Tomorrow I will go and see mum in her nursing home, Christmas doesn't mean a thing to her now, in fact I'm still debating whether to take her present in wrapped up or just give it to her - last year she unwrapped her gifts and threw them on the floor. This year she can't even open an envelope.

Hubby and I will have our dinner and then take the dogs out for a long walk, before returning home and raising a glass or 2 to my Dad and hope that Mum doesn't have to lay and linger for much longer. I hope that you will understand my sentiments for this - if it upsets anyone then I apologise.

I hope that you all survive/celebrate Christmas in your own way and will raise a glass to you all tomorrow.

Take care everyone.

@Jale I completely understand your sentiments.. and I'm sure many others here do too. Enjoy your woofers!

 

[Ree123]

Hi Sonya1, I'm glad you have mentioned all of this. My 88-year-old mother has been diagnosed with dementia, and we have noticed distinct changes in her. Last year was a horrendous experience, namely because Mum's siblings had all died and she is the last of her line. My father also has dementia and is in a nursing home. My mother is frail and can barely move without assistance. Up to recently, she has been verbally and physically aggressive, as well as up at night in the early hours.
This Christmas has been different, I said to the family, to have a quick cuppa and a mincepie with Mum, but know she can't take much more stimuli and might kick off. I stayed at hers for about 15 mins before leaving. It seems to have worked. Although the traditional Christmas dynamics seem to be missing which is sad.

 

[maisiecat]

Well, L'm now halfway through my Christmas and have had to hang on by the skin of my teeth. My children arranged Christmas for me and with Pete in a Nursing Home it was the first one in 47 years we had been apart. I have my daughter's family staying and we are going to my son's today. We visited Pete yesterday and he was settled and happy if only I could say the same for me.
I feel exhausted trying to put a good face on all of it, I think I would have been better left on my own. Here's hoping today is easier.

 

[LouiseW]

Couldn't agree more with your sentiments. I am forcing myself to do all the things but truthfully I would have liked to have gone to sleep for 2 weeks and woken up when its done. Nobody deserves to suffer from the ravages of dementia but the bit that makes me furious is the cruelty,lack of support and indifference of the people who are meant to the help. So this is my list of the people I won't be thanking this Christmas....Community mental health team, NHS,Social workers, Social services,Local Authority and especially the Financial services of LA. Bah humbug.
And for all of us I wish peace and some glimpses of our "real" loved ones

Sounds like you are having a rough ride, I recognise your list of useless agencies. Huge respect from me and eventually this too will pass.

 

[canary]

I expect your children thought it would help you to have family around. They meant well, even if it didnt work.
It will be over soon
xx

 

[maisiecat]

I expect your children thought it would help you to have family around. They meant well, even if it didnt work.
It will be over soon
xx

They definitely meant well, I think the problem is they don't really understand how bereft you feel. They see their Dad as safe and content and are full of praise for me for achieving that but of course I miss him dreadfully and miss the closeness that we had. Today will be easier even though there will be more of us as I won't be doing the catering and I can find something to play with the youngest grandchild x