Christmas....

[DeeCee7]

And now we face the constant….‘ How was your Christmas?’

I think I may stir a few feathers and say ‘tough’ 🙈🙈

I think that would be an honest reply and might well open the floodgates in response. A “ me too!” moment even… scratch the surface, and not too many Christmases are as perfect as people like to maintain!
At least it’s only once a year, and ages until the next one!

 

[maisiecat]

So having survived Christmas,Just, I went to see my husband on my own. He had done something dreadful while shaving and his face was red raw. I asked why the carer hadn't shaved him and he said I told her I could manage. The carer spoke to me about it and we agrred they should loose all the wet shave stuff to avoid the problem. The nurse manager came along and asked him if he spent Christmas day at home which unleashed the hounds of hell on me for the rest of the visit wirh him saying he was getting out and no one could keep him there. I didn't bother to point out he had already had 2 falls this morning and didn't appear to be able to walk at all.
I got home and am currently tidying up and trying to ignore the gin! I think its a stupid idea to bring him out for the day but he is now going to force the issue and I do wonder if there is ever going to be any peace.

 

[ShivyDevon]

My mum is the carer for my dad who has vascular dementia and me, my partner and our dog went to them for Xmas and we had a lovely time and I think my mum had a nice time. She said she did and that's all I can go on!!

My dad coped very well, remembered it was Christmas morning and enjoyed opening gifts even if he didn't understand what was in them.

I didn't give my dad a gift as what I planned to give arrived but was the wrong type and I didn't have time or really know what to get him as an alternative. Mum didn't know either. Sometimes family members do feel a little lost at sea in knowing what's best to do - I would have thought the plan of a meal out would be a lovely gift for my mum and have done this before for one of her birthdays. If that wasn't what she appreciated, I would prefer she tell me. Sometimes it seems carers assume family members know what they're going through and how hard things are but we really don't. It's not that we're being insensitive, it's just that we are inexperienced and sometimes hold back to avoid offending or doing the wrong thing. Please be upfront with your family, don't assume they know how you feel. Talk to them - we aren't mind readers.

I hope everyone is either enjoying the leftovers or just the fact that things are getting back to normal!

All the best for the remainder of the year xx

 

[GillP]

To all of you I send my love even though I don’t know you. My children arranged Christmas to give them a chance to see each other, to
help me and to visit their father in his nursing home and i have enjoyed their company, as they all live at a distance from us. I have especially loved being with
some of the grown up grandchildren. But underlying all of this is being with my husband watching him and knowing that is has been end of our old life, we can never get it back. Christmas brings it all to the fore. . Like many of you, I am really better when I am on my own at home, trying to be practical and being with my husband every day whenever possible, that comes first. I think we do learn from the previous generations, as my mum died when she was only 47 , still with a young family and I watched my Dad rally round in such a practical way, keeping everything going and sustaining his two young sons. He was marvellous. I can’t praise the care home enough and my husband is content although bedbound etc but he doesn’t really acknowledge the constraints on his life at all, because the dementia won’t allow this. I suppose it is a blessing that he was always quite relaxed and laid back and he is good natured and popular with the staff. I have to be thankful that we are making it all work, although almost every day I think I want him at home, should he be at home, could I manage, even though I know I couldn’t because of the difficulties that went before.
I love Christmas but I really have had to rally myself to throw myself into it and quash any depressive feelings. I finally got into decorating the house a bit, making small presents for some of the family. it has helped me enormously to sew, knit and make chutney! I know that working with your hands is so good for occupying your mind and this has really stabilised me for over a year now. Also, I especially could not be without my little cat, she has sustained me and I have a job to care for her! I’m sorry for my ramblings, with good wishes and love and hope for the new Year.

Please don’t apologise. I admire the way you are managing your life. All best wishes for 2024

 

[Missodell18]

Christmas was hard. We were invited to our sons house to spend the day with grandkids and in laws. I do a lot of babysitting to help out. All was going well until gifts opening. I had bought and wrapped a gift for everyone plus extra for the grandkids. My OH can no longer do any of this. Just prior to starting my son whispered to me that he did not get a physical gift for me but would take me out for dinner in January sometime. So I sat there with a fake smile while everyone opened gifts. He did get one for his Dad with alz. Loads of stuff for the in laws. Not a single thing for me from anyone. I feel humiliated and very sad. Did not let it show all day. I guess my role as carer is the least worthy. Still in tears about it all. What would others do? I love and need my family but am emotionally vulnerable.

I’m so sorry you were treated so thoughtlessly. I think you should treat yourself to something really special, something you’ve wanted for ages and something that is just for you. You have to care for yourself as well.

 

[Missodell18]

And now we face the constant….‘ How was your Christmas?’

I think I may stir a few feathers and say ‘tough’ 🙈🙈

Hate that. I was mentally preparing myself to say something like “oh, not the best” or something and then when someone asked I still automatically replied “oh, fine” 🤦‍♀️ Why do we do that?!

 

[Missodell18]

Our Christmas wasn’t great. I have a 4 year old so had to make an effort for her otherwise I don’t think we’d have bothered with anything special. I also had covid and as my mum (with Alzheimer’s) was in hospital I couldn’t visit. Very sad really. My mum always loved Christmas before she got ill. She was fabulous at decorations and gifts and we had amazing Christmases as children. It was really hard

 

[Marleena]

Love your phrase "releasing the hounds of hell" on you @maisiecat. I seem to have them permanently round my feet because of usually minor actions/no actions with my OH's care. Common sense/awareness/intuition regarding his P,D & A is mostly lacking and it seems rules/jobsworth are more the norm. In my more benign moments, I obviously realise that rules/standards must be observed, but I keep being told that the care is "person centred". Eh? Pardon me? I seem to be permanently battling with them andDoLS, and contacting CQC (anonymously) for advice. I have a constant "downer" on everything/body connected with the care system - and on top of that, like you've all mentioned - you have people asking how your Christmas was! Good answer @sdmhred - but then you'd get some people asking "oh?" and have to explain. Sorry for having another rant when you all deserve a more uplifting post. Love and hugs to you all, whatever you are doing thinking, feeling, saying . . .XX

 

[Ree123]

@Sonya1 , you are so right. The last Christmas my Dad was here he was poorly, 2 days later went into hospital and died a month later (he didn't have dementia). Now every time we put our tree up I look at the chair that he sat in that last day and I cry.

Tomorrow I will go and see mum in her nursing home, Christmas doesn't mean a thing to her now, in fact I'm still debating whether to take her present in wrapped up or just give it to her - last year she unwrapped her gifts and threw them on the floor. This year she can't even open an envelope.

Hubby and I will have our dinner and then take the dogs out for a long walk, before returning home and raising a glass or 2 to my Dad and hope that Mum doesn't have to lay and linger for much longer. I hope that you will understand my sentiments for this - if it upsets anyone then I apologise.

I hope that you all survive/celebrate Christmas in your own way and will raise a glass to you all tomorrow.

Take care everyone.

 

[Ree123]

@Sonya1 , you are so right. The last Christmas my Dad was here he was poorly, 2 days later went into hospital and died a month later (he didn't have dementia). Now every time we put our tree up I look at the chair that he sat in that last day and I cry.

Tomorrow I will go and see mum in her nursing home, Christmas doesn't mean a thing to her now, in fact I'm still debating whether to take her present in wrapped up or just give it to her - last year she unwrapped her gifts and threw them on the floor. This year she can't even open an envelope.

Hubby and I will have our dinner and then take the dogs out for a long walk, before returning home and raising a glass or 2 to my Dad and hope that Mum doesn't have to lay and linger for much longer. I hope that you will understand my sentiments for this - if it upsets anyone then I apologise.

I hope that you all survive/celebrate Christmas in your own way and will raise a glass to you all tomorrow.

Take care everyone.

 

[Ree123]

@Jale, I get it, I understand, I've been thinking similarly too.

 

[Sonya1]

I started this thread quite reflectively, daring to voice my feelings about the 'festive' season somewhere where I thought people would 'get it'.
I'm strangely pleased that so many of you have also felt able to share your thoughts - of course it's dreadful that so many are in this situation. However it shows how valuable the forum is for providing such a lovely, non judgemental and supportive platform for us to come together!

So, just a few more days of 2023 before we can leap/crawl/bounce/trudge/ emerge into 2024. I for one am making NO resolutions or lists of desired achievements .
I'm already doing the best I can in so many ways... and I'm just going to enjoy 'me' , flaws and all. Because being able to be 'me' is the best gift and one that so many of our people with dementia would give their eye teeth for!