Can I ... Should I?

[Margi29]

Xmas present for mum

Wracked my brain to try and think of something mum would like for Xmas !!

Have now got a hamper basket and each week am putting things into it that I think mum may like.

Lots of different chocolates, low alcohol wine in small bottle, mince pies , favourite pickles etc... years ago she got given a hamper and loved finding all the things inside,thought she may enjoy because she always says there is nothing she needs.

 

[CeliaW]

Sam, I don't know if your Mum can still write but when Mum got stuck for a word or got the wrong one, sometimes writing the word (we had a small whiteboard) would help her sort it. Didn't always work but was useful quite often.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam

Well tomorrow is D Day so to speak !! Have not had mum involved in any day centres , but have found out the church in our village does 3 course meal tomorrow lunch time. My sister is going to call at mums and suggest her going, then I will call and pick her back up.
Not sure if mum will go. She has been known to say " I'm not going with that old lot !! "
I think mum forgets she's 87 !!

So will let you know.

Am desperately trying to think of things to keep her motivated.

Hi Margi29

I think there is a meal coming up, through the Carer group I've just joined, but will have to check the date & see if I can persuade mum to go. Mum has never been hugely confident with new people & does her "telephone polite" in these circumstances which makes her appear snooty. It's a tough one to navigate to be sure

Also one to talk about not going with those old people lol. At 81 I tell her she's no spring chicken

Do tell how your mum gets on & suggestions to get her to mix

I bought mum a small dog, I'm not exaggerating when I say I think he's been a life saver. She was getting very down & lots of talk about how she is past her use by date & time to shuffle off etc. Scruffy has forced her to concentrate on something else. Of course I'm here too, so it's easier (???) for me, as I walk him too.

Sam

 

[Sam Luvit]

Wracked my brain to try and think of something mum would like for Xmas !!

Have now got a hamper basket and each week am putting things into it that I think mum may like.

Lots of different chocolates, low alcohol wine in small bottle, mince pies , favourite pickles etc... years ago she got given a hamper and loved finding all the things inside,thought she may enjoy because she always says there is nothing she needs.

Margi

That is a brilliant idea, I might pinch it . New PJ's & maybe a fluffy dressing gown. Ooooh, Xmas shopping just got a bit easier

I can add in those things she loses all the time, a dozen nail files & glasses wipes!! All I need now is a decent basket she can convert to a hanging basket & she will be in heaven

Thank you

Sam

 

[Sam Luvit]

Sam, I don't know if your Mum can still write but when Mum got stuck for a word or got the wrong one, sometimes writing the word (we had a small whiteboard) would help her sort it. Didn't always work but was useful quite often.

Hi CeliaW

At the moment mum stops in the middle of a sentence, looks at me, then says " I can't think of the word", I make a few guesses & if I can't get it, I laugh & say I'm hopeless & "describe it" and we go from there.

We are a bit different from some families, in that English is a second language to both of us!!! Mum is Irish & spoke Gaelic, with English as a second language & as my parents worked in Africa, I spoke the local lingo and learnt English at age 6. Needless to say, our spelling & writing is pretty awful . So attempting to read her writing has always been a struggle and is nigh on impossible these days.

I'm visualising her scrawl on a white board & me attempting to decipher it, might well cause more problems. I might see if I can find my old white board & start messing about with her as a step for the future. I'm willing to try anything that makes it easier for her & less stress.

From a lot I am reading, stress appears to play a part in increasing anxiety & agitation. I know when I have struggled with language myself, I have felt "annoyed" & making it into a joke (at myself) or putting it onto others (telling them I fall over my words at times) means they don't make fun of me, has helped me deal with my annoyance at myself IYKWIM. So I'm trying to do that with mum

I've only been living here a year, so it's very new for me & I am reading and trying to learn from you. I do appreciate the suggestions & will try the ones I think might work in our dysfunctional family

Sam

 

[Margi29]

Hi Margi29

I think there is a meal coming up, through the Carer group I've just joined, but will have to check the date & see if I can persuade mum to go. Mum has never been hugely confident with new people & does her "telephone polite" in these circumstances which makes her appear snooty. It's a tough one to navigate to be sure

Also one to talk about not going with those old people lol. At 81 I tell her she's no spring chicken

Do tell how your mum gets on & suggestions to get her to mix

I bought mum a small dog, I'm not exaggerating when I say I think he's been a life saver. She was getting very down & lots of talk about how she is past her use by date & time to shuffle off etc. Scruffy has forced her to concentrate on something else. Of course I'm here too, so it's easier (???) for me, as I walk him too.

Sam

Morning Sam

My sister gave mum one of her dogs puppies 3 years ago ( just before dad passed ) it really gave my mum a lift in life !! She would take her to local park and mum absolutely adores her.
When mum had to go in sheltered housing,she was not allowed to take her dog, so my sister has mums dog, but takes her often to see mum. We both live minutes from mum.
I often used to find mum having little chats with her dog,also took dog to bed with her.

I truly believe that this dog gave mum a reason to go on in life, a reason to get up in the morning !! You did the right thing getting your mum a little furry friend.

Only thing was mum would over feed her dog !! Ie toast n marmalade in morning, then dog food at lunch, then dog food at tea, and loads of treats and we suspect gave her dog a lot of her own food !! The dog needed slimming class by the time my sister took her back

I will post outcome of mum and will she / won't she go to lunch.
Every day is different with mum, some days she is great and others it's horrendous.

Ps keep eye on food intake of dog You could end up with a very chubby Scruffy in new year x

 

[Margi29]

Margi

That is a brilliant idea, I might pinch it . New PJ's & maybe a fluffy dressing gown. Ooooh, Xmas shopping just got a bit easier

I can add in those things she loses all the time, a dozen nail files & glasses wipes!! All I need now is a decent basket she can convert to a hanging basket & she will be in heaven

Thank you

Sam

Hi Sam

That's an idea !! I will also add some of the things she's always loosing, combs, spare remote control, hearing aid batteries etc... by Xmas I will have been and bought a shipping crate for the amount of stuff my mum seems to lose

After Xmas going to suggest to mum we refill the empty hamper with small baby things each week as mum has new great grandchild coming in new year.

She loves babies and this will maybe give her something else to focus on.

Good idea to recycle

 

[Sam Luvit]

Morning Sam

My sister gave mum one of her dogs puppies 3 years ago ( just before dad passed ) it really gave my mum a lift in life !! She would take her to local park and mum absolutely adores her.
When mum had to go in sheltered housing,she was not allowed to take her dog, so my sister has mums dog, but takes her often to see mum. We both live minutes from mum.
I often used to find mum having little chats with her dog,also took dog to bed with her.

I truly believe that this dog gave mum a reason to go on in life, a reason to get up in the morning !! You did the right thing getting your mum a little furry friend.

Only thing was mum would over feed her dog !! Ie toast n marmalade in morning, then dog food at lunch, then dog food at tea, and loads of treats and we suspect gave her dog a lot of her own food !! The dog needed slimming class by the time my sister took her back ��

I will post outcome of mum and will she / won't she go to lunch.
Every day is different with mum, some days she is great and others it's horrendous.

Ps keep eye on food intake of dog �� You could end up with a very chubby Scruffy in new year x

Hi Margi

I also believe Scruffy has given her the will to go on . She talks to him, stroking calms her & he warms her bed before she goes up & her feet in the night. She can get a bit "jealous " that he comes into me in the night, but I deflect that saying he came in for 10 mins, then must have slept on the landing if he was not with her

Yes, Scruffy is also getting toast & marmalade & too many treats. I am strict in nothing from the table while we eat, but that's only part of it. I do threaten that I'll have to put him on a diet if she keeps treating him lol

Presently having a good week (watch that comment jinx it), but mum is not cross at everything, so it's a lot easier to handle. I'm taking advantage & putting up shelves and sorting the mess that will one day become an office again. ATM she agrees I can't throw out all dads paperwork as HMRC need it kept because if SA (Self Assessment). I live in fear of her tackling that when I'm out

Busy day with her appointments, volunteer work & Carer group meeting

Sam

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam

That's an idea !! I will also add some of the things she's always loosing, combs, spare remote control, hearing aid batteries etc... by Xmas I will have been and bought a shipping crate for the amount of stuff my mum seems to lose

After Xmas going to suggest to mum we refill the empty hamper with small baby things each week as mum has new great grandchild coming in new year.

She loves babies and this will maybe give her something else to focus on.

Good idea to recycle

Hi Margi

What is it about combs & hand cream????

Each time I have a major clear out in the bathroom cupboard I find 6 or 8 hand creams and loads of combs, but she is always having to buy more as she has run out of someone has thrown away the combs (hard stare at me)

Sam

 

[Margi29]

Hi Margi

What is it about combs & hand cream????

Each time I have a major clear out in the bathroom cupboard I find 6 or 8 hand creams and loads of combs, but she is always having to buy more as she has run out of someone has thrown away the combs (hard stare at me)

Sam

Hi Sam

We have a major fixation with " where's my keys , handbag , purse "

In march mum rang me " I have let a lady from outside come look at my flat "

Me : " don't let strangers in ! They may steal off you ! "

Mum : " she has ! She's stole my keys "

At this point I was in total panic mode and scared for other residents as each set off keys has a fob to gain access to the whole building!!

My sister and I searched flat and mums handbag and no sign of keys !!
We had all locks at flat changed and fob rebooted !! Cost a bomb !!

Two days after this mum in handbag and says " oh look !! A set of keys "
I NEARLY BURST !! Mum still said lady who she let in took her keys. ( mum only has one set )

Later she described the lady and described my sister !!
A large glass of wine and two paracetamol was needed for me ha ha

 

[Margi29]

Anything goes missing and someone else has took it !!!

 

[Margi29]

Hi Sam

Well not a chance was lunch at church today.
Very disorientated this morning.
Very wobbly, and I found she has not took her tablets !!

Says she wants to go Xmas eve for carol service but that's it.

To be fair, mum has never been into going to church apart from the usual family events, but we thought may be nice for her to meet other people.

Will try again next Wednesday, it could be different then ??

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam

We have a major fixation with " where's my keys , handbag , purse "

In march mum rang me " I have let a lady from outside come look at my flat "

Me : " don't let strangers in ! They may steal off you ! "

Mum : " she has ! She's stole my keys "

At this point I was in total panic mode and scared for other residents as each set off keys has a fob to gain access to the whole building!!

My sister and I searched flat and mums handbag and no sign of keys !!
We had all locks at flat changed and fob rebooted !! Cost a bomb !!

Two days after this mum in handbag and says " oh look !! A set of keys "
I NEARLY BURST !! Mum still said lady who she let in took her keys. ( mum only has one set )

Later she described the lady and described my sister !!
A large glass of wine and two paracetamol was needed for me ha ha

Hi Margi

Unfortunately (or maybe not as I have loads of experience at it) , mum has done the "where are my keys, bag, purse, shoes etc" all my life. Probably why my brother said she must have had dementia for at least 40 years!

I pick up keys all day long & keep putting them where they should be while saying, "I've put your keys in the top shelf mum". Similar with bag & purse & as for shoes, they are now left all over the place & I've told her she will be the cause of me braking a leg or hip when I stand on one ... not making a blind bit of notice

I'm beginning to understand why my one glass of wine has increased

Sam

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam

Well not a chance was lunch at church today.
Very disorientated this morning.
Very wobbly, and I found she has not took her tablets !!

Says she wants to go Xmas eve for carol service but that's it.

To be fair, mum has never been into going to church apart from the usual family events, but we thought may be nice for her to meet other people.

Will try again next Wednesday, it could be different then ??

Hi Margi

The Carer group provided lots of info this week, including DC

So I've taken the bull by the horns so to speak & broached it with mum, along the lines if, probably not just yet, but it's good to know about these things & she was interested. She might go on their outings! Result

I have always worked better under pressure, proved that today as I've got the dinner in the oven already . So a little chill time before a mad dash round Tesco for the milk I have run out of .... obviously drinking far more coffee than usual this week

Sam

 

[Amy in the US]

Ah, missing combs. When I cleared out my mother's flat I found a lot of stuff in general, and definitely a lot of hair care items, including brushes, combs, hair mousse, and multiple hair dryers and curling irons (at least six of those). In the care home last week, I found an extra hair brush in my mother's bathroom! No idea where that came from!!

Hang in there, Sam.

Could wherever you put the keys, handbag, et cetera, have a big color photo of the item plus a label, nearby? You can blame it on you not being able to remember where things go. It might not help, but it might not hurt. I have found with my mother that open shelving--having things in plain sight--is often the key. She frequently can't "see" something if it's in a drawer, a bin, or behind a cabinet door.

 

[Margi29]

Hi Amy

Good idea I may try this !! Totally exasperation when I call to pick mum up for an appointment and I am running around like headless chicken trying to find what's 'lost' or 'stolen '

 

[Sam Luvit]

Ah, missing combs. When I cleared out my mother's flat I found a lot of stuff in general, and definitely a lot of hair care items, including brushes, combs, hair mousse, and multiple hair dryers and curling irons (at least six of those). In the care home last week, I found an extra hair brush in my mother's bathroom! No idea where that came from!!

Hang in there, Sam.

Could wherever you put the keys, handbag, et cetera, have a big color photo of the item plus a label, nearby? You can blame it on you not being able to remember where things go. It might not help, but it might not hurt. I have found with my mother that open shelving--having things in plain sight--is often the key. She frequently can't "see" something if it's in a drawer, a bin, or behind a cabinet door.

Hi Amy in the US

When I was up & down the road (180 miles) every weekend I woukd take mum shopping & every week it was shampoo, conditioner, body lotion & shower gel, every time I woukd ask if she was sure & every time I got told they had run out

When I moved in, I emptied the bathroom cupboard & put in an extra shelf. I then showed her the 14 bottles of shampoo, 12 bottles of conditioner etc. It's been a year & we still have plenty left!

Combs & hand cream are the new shampoo & conditioner IYKWIM. I know the dog has taken a liking to emery boards (nail files), so she does go through those, but I've yet to find where the combs go. The hand cream will be on shelves all over the place, kitchen, bathroom, window sill in the lounge Thank the laud for £land

Keys are on top open shelf of a Dutch Dresser. Mine are there too, so I just want one place to look. Bag is "supposed" to be on the back of her chair, but she drops it on the stairs, in the lounge by her chair, banisters at the top of the stairs, basically wherever she happens to be when she decides to out it down. She has always been like it. It's driven us mad as a family for ever, so now I just collect these things & put them where they are "supposed" to be so at least I can find them

The strange thing is, she has always been pretty ok with shoes, not ideal to my mind, but she puts them on the stairs. A pair on each riser. I've gotten used to that & carefully avoid them. However, she has started leaving them everywhere & I've almost tripped 20 or 30 times in the last 6 weeks

On the plus side. Mum is in a pretty good mood, not snapping at me & I've only been called "bossy" once this week & that was with a smile

I might see what rubbish is on the TV and have a lazy evening with her . Might as well enjoy it while I still can, as some posts lead me to understand this will not always be an option

Sam

 

[Margi29]

Hi Margi

The Carer group provided lots of info this week, including DC

So I've taken the bull by the horns so to speak & broached it with mum, along the lines if, probably not just yet, but it's good to know about these things & she was interested. She might go on their outings! Result

I have always worked better under pressure, proved that today as I've got the dinner in the oven already . So a little chill time before a mad dash round Tesco for the milk I have run out of .... obviously drinking far more coffee than usual this week

Sam

Hi Sam

I am also going to try find a local carers group, just don't know where to find ?? Glad your mum is up for dc , am always trying to think of ways to keep mum happy

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam

I am also going to try find a local carers group, just don't know where to find ??

Hi Margi

I was asking mums doctor, (told me to look on line ... chocolate teapot ), also asked nurses I know through work, but no suggestions apart from "there must be something"

Just been searching & not sure if I can oust a link, but on this site, Home > Dementia Connect>Find services near this postcode or place, enter postcode, support in the community. It should give you a list of what's available in your area. Link below in case it works . For me it's called Peer Support

TBH, it's the best thing I've done. Something about being in the same room as people in the same boat, just lifts a weight.

Eg. Today one person said, "wish I could get my wife in the kitchen", I replied "wish I could keep mum out". No one was shocked. No one criticised me. They understood the frustration, coz I guess we all wish for one or the other. It's not being mean, it's just what we have to deal with every meal time

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/local-information/dementia-connect/#!/search

Hope this helps

Sam

 

[Margi29]

Sam

Will definitely look into this , thanks

On a funny note, when you mentioned kitchen

I always help mum change her quilt cover every week. She keeps forgetting it's been done !! Sometimes 3 times a week I can go in, bed stripped and ready for fresh !!

My mum must be the cleanest in the sheltered housing complex for bedding, or so I thought !! One of the ladies spoke to me and said when mum took her washing down to communial laundry she didn't put soap powder in

Have got round that now by tying bottle of wash liquid to wash basket, onwards and upwards