Can I ... Should I?

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam. I don't think the actual stage is much use, it's more how they are at the time! I was always amazed at stories about pwd phoning the poster multiple times a day, OH couldn't use a phone from before diagnosis!
I found I had to deal with each change as it happened. Usually when I thought, well got they sussed, it's not so bad after all. Then, bang, another change. Keeps you on yourself your feet, this caring!
Keep strong!

Hi Spamar

I've found a few if her "changes" hard to follow. She has always been careful with money, not mean, but definitely of the opinion that she earned it so she can spend it on her. I think my IB & I learnt the value of earning as a result, so I agree.

However. This year she put a cheque in her grand daughters B'day card & she was speechless!!! She was 22 & didn't Know what to say about being given £1k to help her get driving. (A tenner is more normal). It's the sudden generosity, along with the lack of fairness to the other 3 grandchildren, that I find so out of character. Her brothers B'day is next month & I just know the fall out of him not getting similar is going to cause some tension

She's always had "a need to feed", I think it's the Irish in her . Her nephew M came to visit, flew over from Ireland to spend a bit if time with his aunt. He's also cared for an uncle with D, so was fine with her & very supportive to me

However. We again had the 180 turn. We went for a meal, all going well until dessert was offered. She said no, I can't due to lactose intolerant, but her nephew & my brother (IB), both said yes please. Mum told them "no". She wasn't having a dessert, so they weren't either!!! IB was shocked & embarrassed. Nephew just carried on chatting, then said the moment had passed & maybe a bikki & tea at home. Bless him

It is definitely the changes from what I expect to what happens that throw me
Oh, and the mood swings & huffs she gets into

I need to work on my patience & calm breathing

Sam

 

[canary]

Yes, its the changes that are hard. It sounds like your mum is forgetting the value of money, so sometimes she seems incredibly generous and at other times she seems very mean - its a bit of a lucky dip!
Im afraid the mood swings are pretty common too - and half the time you never know what sets them off
Its a steep learning curve
xx

 

[Margi29]

Hi Spamar

I've found a few if her "changes" hard to follow. She has always been careful with money, not mean, but definitely of the opinion that she earned it so she can spend it on her. I think my IB & I learnt the value of earning as a result, so I agree.

However. This year she put a cheque in her grand daughters B'day card & she was speechless!!! She was 22 & didn't Know what to say about being given £1k to help her get driving. (A tenner is more normal). It's the sudden generosity, along with the lack of fairness to the other 3 grandchildren, that I find so out of character. Her brothers B'day is next month & I just know the fall out of him not getting similar is going to cause some tension

She's always had "a need to feed", I think it's the Irish in her . Her nephew M came to visit, flew over from Ireland to spend a bit if time with his aunt. He's also cared for an uncle with D, so was fine with her & very supportive to me

However. We again had the 180 turn. We went for a meal, all going well until dessert was offered. She said no, I can't due to lactose intolerant, but her nephew & my brother (IB), both said yes please. Mum told them "no". She wasn't having a dessert, so they weren't either!!! IB was shocked & embarrassed. Nephew just carried on chatting, then said the moment had passed & maybe a bikki & tea at home. Bless him

It is definitely the changes from what I expect to what happens that throw me
Oh, and the mood swings & huffs she gets into

I need to work on my patience & calm breathing

Sam

Hi Sam
My mum is 87 and prob had this awful disease last few year, but we did not really notice as dad was so ill ( passed away 3 years ago ) now we have moved mum near us ( brother who lived near was as much use as a " chocolate fire guard " ) I understand all too well the frustration you must go through !!
I have also found that my mum who was always "careful with money " now seems very random in who and how much she gives to my children.
All throughout their lives mum gave them exactly same money each at birthday and Xmas. Then this year gave my son £300 and then another £500 towards a car !! I said this is too much !! She said " it's my money to do as I please "
But other grandchildren are not getting same.
She has no concept of money and I now have to take note as to what she is doing with money or she would just give all away to anyone.
In regards to the meal out and pudding, I had to smile ! My dad also had dementia and once while out for family meal I mentioned the sweet menu. He said " you need to loose some of that weight!! " that stopped me looking anymore ha ha
Mum seems to also have taken an unreasonable dislike to certain members of family, I have no idea why ??
At the moment it's one day at a time, but I am so glad I have found this site !! If only to rant away without boring my friends to death.

 

[Spamar]

Hi, well, driving lessons are more than £10 these days, so £1k would be good!! Don't forget insurance as well, or money towards a car. I gave oldest grand dau half that, though! But have a soft spot for her, not sure the other two will get that. The next in line isn't very keen on learning to drive. I spent half my time on the last occasion she visited trying to persuade her it's much better to learn as soon as she is 17 next year!
I assume she's got the money to do that?

Food, yes, well, OH couldn't remember what he liked/ didn't like and several times when we were out I ordered things I knew he liked because he had ordered something he wasn't keen on! Then swopped! Never been told no sweet, though!

 

[Margi29]

Hi, well, driving lessons are more than £10 these days, so £1k would be good!! Don't forget insurance as well, or money towards a car. I gave oldest grand dau half that, though! But have a soft spot for her, not sure the other two will get that. The next in line isn't very keen on learning to drive. I spent half my time on the last occasion she visited trying to persuade her it's much better to learn as soon as she is 17 next year!
I assume she's got the money to do that?

Food, yes, well, OH couldn't remember what he liked/ didn't like and several times when we were out I ordered things I knew he liked because he had ordered something he wasn't keen on! Then swopped! Never been told no sweet, though!

Hi Spamar
I have found with mum she tells me now that half the food I get her she doesn't eat !! Her taste buds seem to have changed so much?? She loves her sweet things still

 

[Sam Luvit]

Yes, its the changes that are hard. It sounds like your mum is forgetting the value of money, so sometimes she seems incredibly generous and at other times she seems very mean - its a bit of a lucky dip!
Im afraid the mood swings are pretty common too - and half the time you never know what sets them off
Its a steep learning curve
xx

Hi Canary

I think she "gets" the value of money, she is OTT, with one, then says "I'm not giving that grandson any money, he's useless with it". She is right, he would spend it on rubbish.

She has 4 grandchildren & has always been very fair between them. Giving or spending exactly the same on them all. Now, its £1k to one & a "smelly" set for £5 to another.

Part of it depends on if they visit, 3 are local, the 4th 100 miles away (but he phones & visits, so that's ok!), but I know there will be talk & I know it's going to get awkward. It is her money & she can afford it, but I can't exactly tell her to give the same to the others!!! I'm always trying to make it right / fair / explain & its sooooo tiring

The mood swings seriously ??? Why ??? I know, it's the disease but ... I'm human & I just don't know. Lots of going shopping (which I hate) & walking the dog

I have joined a carer support group, second meeting Wednesday, can't say I got anything out of it, but sitting in a room with 20 other people I didn't have to explain to, worth a lotto win .

Learning curve. Mount Everest. TP is teaching me, someone pointed me to How Bizzare, & I've been reading for 3 weeks & I am in awe of Ann, I don't think I will ever be able to deal with 30% of what she does, but I'm learning .... I hope

It's all the other busy bodies / nosey parkers sticking their opinions in (old friends of mum) that get up my nose what is it to them whether or not I earn. I pay my way . I was brung up proper I was lol

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Sam
My mum is 87 and prob had this awful disease last few year, but we did not really notice as dad was so ill ( passed away 3 years ago ) now we have moved mum near us ( brother who lived near was as much use as a " chocolate fire guard " ) I understand all too well the frustration you must go through !!
I have also found that my mum who was always "careful with money " now seems very random in who and how much she gives to my children.

In regards to the meal out and pudding, I had to smile ! My dad also had dementia and once while out for family meal I mentioned the sweet menu. He said " you need to loose some of that weight!! " that stopped me looking anymore ha ha
Mum seems to also have taken an unreasonable dislike to certain members of family, I have no idea why ??
At the moment it's one day at a time, but I am so glad I have found this site !! If only to rant away without boring my friends to death.

Hi Margi

Oh the chocolate teapot, my brother is the same, but I think (hope), he is starting to get it. My cousin's visit may have helped that along. But also forcing brother to see more & telling him about changes lol. He's been very "she's just the same, always been like that .." but following the meal, he can't get over her "selfishness" lol. Try living with her.

Mum went through a stage of biatching about my weight (took me 15 years to go up 2 dress sizes), ended up telling her I'd rather have a bust & some bumps, than have a Boney bum), now when she starts, I tell her to leave it, I'll diet when I have time!!! She offered to pay the balance of my gym membership . Just need a gym buddy to motivate me lol

Am trying a day at a time too, learning in the job & hope to get at least 50% right

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi, well, driving lessons are more than £10 these days, so £1k would be good!! Don't forget insurance as well, or money towards a car. I gave oldest grand dau half that, though! But have a soft spot for her, not sure the other two will get that. The next in line isn't very keen on learning to drive. I spent half my time on the last occasion she visited trying to persuade her it's much better to learn as soon as she is 17 next year!
I assume she's got the money to do that?

Food, yes, well, OH couldn't remember what he liked/ didn't like and several times when we were out I ordered things I knew he liked because he had ordered something he wasn't keen on! Then swopped! Never been told no sweet, though!

Hi Spamar

Driving is soooooo expensive, more than £10/Hr here, even if you book 20 hrs in a block . 2 of the grandchildren (1 son & 1 nephew) not interested in learning. The other 2 ( 1 son & 1 niece) both saving to learn.

My youngest working all hours, saving to learn to drive, I'm planning on helping with car (23rd hand lol) but he doesn't expect anything. Eldest expects & asks all the time ... cold day in h**l before I give him cash to spend on rubbish :-(

Food. Easy ATM, I know what mum likes so suggest that and she's happy. I was so surprised at her insistence that no one could have dessert if she wasn't having any. So not like her

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Spamar
I have found with mum she tells me now that half the food I get her she doesn't eat !! Her taste buds seem to have changed so much?? She loves her sweet things still

Hi Margi

Mum has developed a real sweet tooth. She pretends not to, but chocolate hidden all over the place & she goes to the kitchen & stuffs &!thinks I don't notice ... so funny.

 

[Kathphlox]

I pray for you all suffering with this.. your loved ones are precious as was my Dad to me. His last months were not horrendous apart from the fact that he was like a baby again, his only pleasure was eating, even though he sometimes choked on his food, (every meal I had to cook from scratch as he was diabetic) and me stroking his head to calm him, I won't go into details, but it was intensive 24/7 care all the way. But I did it because I loved him and wanted the best for him to make him comfortable. Every downturn in his health was another trauma, be prepared for that, because that's the way it will go.. a gradual decent. So try to put in place all the things you might need.

Special flooring etc to help with hoists/chairs and special beds, bathing requirements for someone who cannot move, the list goes on..

Sorry to throw cold water on what everyone here is saying and what you are going through because at the moment it's easy for you. There is so much more to come yet, I just pray you are strong enough, most people have glossed over it, but I will not.. much love Kath XX.

But you will come out of the other side like I did and now life will be good again

 

[Margi29]

I pray for you all suffering with this.. your loved ones are precious as was my Dad to me. His last months were not horrendous apart from the fact that he was like a baby again, his only pleasure was eating, even though he sometimes choked on his food, (every meal I had to cook from scratch as he was diabetic) and me stroking his head to calm him, I won't go into details, but it was intensive 24/7 care all the way. But I did it because I loved him and wanted the best for him to make him comfortable. Every downturn in his health was another trauma, be prepared for that, because that's the way it will go.. a gradual decent. So try to put in place all the things you might need.

Special flooring etc to help with hoists/chairs and special beds, bathing requirements for someone who cannot move, the list goes on..

Sorry to throw cold water on what everyone here is saying and what you are going through because at the moment it's easy for you. There is so much more to come yet, I just pray you are strong enough, most people have glossed over it, but I will not.. much love Kath XX.

But you will come out of the other side like I did and now life will be good again

Hi Kathphlox

Your post made me cry and brought back memories of my dad ( choking on food, bed bound , in continent) in the end as I sat holding his hand telling him how much I loved him and that his mum sister brother and friends were waiting for him and that it was ok for him to go. A tear rolled down his face and I think he actually realised at that point he was leaving us. I am still heartbroken and feel I will never get over the loss of my lovely dad. Crying again !!

Now it's blinking deja vu again with mum, god I hate this disease !! Soul destroying !!

 

[Margi29]

Hi Margi

Mum has developed a real sweet tooth. She pretends not to, but chocolate hidden all over the place & she goes to the kitchen & stuffs &!thinks I don't notice ... so funny.

Good morning Sam

Just finished a set of night shifts at work then bed ,but before that am calling at mums to fill her supplies of sweet stuff !! Bless her, as much as I say and leave a note to say " mum I am on nights and in bed " she still rings for a chat.
My birthday was over the weekend ( when you are 50 something it's just another day ha ha ) and mum sent my card with these words.

To ***** with lots of love and kisses for all the lovely times you gave me and your lovely dad xxxx

Cried again !!

I will treasure this card because next year I have no idea if she will even know it's my birthday !!

On a funny note she rang me for two days over weekend singing " happy birthday to you " and I had to say " not today mum " then on the actual day she forgot lol

 

[Sam Luvit]

I pray for you all suffering with this.. your loved ones are precious as was my Dad to me. His last months were not horrendous apart from the fact that he was like a baby again, his only pleasure was eating, even though he sometimes choked on his food, (every meal I had to cook from scratch as he was diabetic) and me stroking his head to calm him, I won't go into details, but it was intensive 24/7 care all the way. But I did it because I loved him and wanted the best for him to make him comfortable. Every downturn in his health was another trauma, be prepared for that, because that's the way it will go.. a gradual decent. So try to put in place all the things you might need.

Special flooring etc to help with hoists/chairs and special beds, bathing requirements for someone who cannot move, the list goes on..

Sorry to throw cold water on what everyone here is saying and what you are going through because at the moment it's easy for you. There is so much more to come yet, I just pray you are strong enough, most people have glossed over it, but I will not.. much love Kath XX.

But you will come out of the other side like I did and now life will be good again

Hi Kath

Mum was a nurse, then worked in nursing homes till she eventually retired at 76 (!), a lot of that was in dementia, EMI homes & a few Alz at home clients, so she knowns what is coming, which IMHO makes it hard on her. Maybe that's why she is not as resistant to cleaners coming into her home. I am gradually trying to source other areas so she can try them as she needs them in time to come

I'm only too aware that I'm at the easy period of this journey & it's going to get hard, but it's still difficult for both of us right now getting used to living in the same house. Moving in with mum in my 50's, giving up my independence & making new friends, while finding out about Alz & what is available in a new (to me) area, is tough. But I made the choice to do it. I just hope I am able to.

She mixes up some words, hearing aids are often called contact lenses, but we have a giggle over that, make it unimportant so she doesn't fret or stress on it. But, she has been losing words over the last few months, just can't find the word, and she knows it & gets very stressed over it. That's hard. I'm trying different things to see what calms her today. This week it's "can you describe it" or just a hug & telling her I still love her even if she is a bit daft, but in a good way

When dad was in hospital following his stroke I was able to get him to eat by feeding him, it was so sad to see this proud man accepting me doing that for him. So your "stroking his head" resonated & took me back to that ward. It's 18 months since dad passed, but some things still catch me unaware.

Look after yourself Kath, you can look yourself in the mirror & know you did the right thing, which is all I want for my mum

Sam

 

[Sam Luvit]

Good morning Sam

Just finished a set of night shifts at work then bed ,but before that am calling at mums to fill her supplies of sweet stuff !! Bless her, as much as I say and leave a note to say " mum I am on nights and in bed " she still rings for a chat.
My birthday was over the weekend ( when you are 50 something it's just another day ha ha ) and mum sent my card with these words.

To ***** with lots of love and kisses for all the lovely times you gave me and your lovely dad xxxx

Cried again !!

I will treasure this card because next year I have no idea if she will even know it's my birthday !!

On a funny note she rang me for two days over weekend singing " happy birthday to you " and I had to say " not today mum " then on the actual day she forgot lol

Hi Margi29

I too stock up on chocolate for mum, which she tells me she doesn't eat, but they sure disappear. She's even started on my occasions dark choc, which she doesn't even like!

Mum is a bit paranoid about missing birthdays, keeps checking who's is next. So all on the calendar now

It's the silly / funny moments that help

She seemed a bit down yesterday, so I picked up a bunch of flowers for her "just because". She was smiling for the rest of the day

Sam

 

[canary]

She seemed a bit down yesterday, so I picked up a bunch of flowers for her "just because". She was smiling for the rest of the day

Sam

What a lovely thing to do

 

[Margi29]

Hi Margi29

I too stock up on chocolate for mum, which she tells me she doesn't eat, but they sure disappear. She's even started on my occasions dark choc, which she doesn't even like!

Mum is a bit paranoid about missing birthdays, keeps checking who's is next. So all on the calendar now

It's the silly / funny moments that help

She seemed a bit down yesterday, so I picked up a bunch of flowers for her "just because". She was smiling for the rest of the day

Sam

My mum also has never liked dark chocolate ! And she is always fretting about missing birthdays ( my sister and I generally sort so nobody forgotten) got her a calendar and she took off October and November. At this I thought the Xmas tree will be up before hallowe'en !! Any how Hay ho

Mum was an homehelp before retirement, then got asked to do some private cleaning jobs. She did this till 75 and she too knows too much about dementia etc ..
Now in total denial that anything wrong with her, and I am not going to tell her again.
She says half the people in sheltered housing complex,where she is lives are 'crackers ' Love mum to bits and I just nod. ( the others are fine )

Mum always used to say " I still feel in my brain, like I did in my twenties, it's just my body that's old "

I always find a hug , and a kiss to mum and the last thing I ever say to her is " love you mum " means the world to her and makes her smile.

We both know from past experience that the day will come when this won't be possible.

Sat here with a Doberman dog at each side of me !! They make it hard to type ha ha

 

[Margi29]

Hi Margi29

I too stock up on chocolate for mum, which she tells me she doesn't eat, but they sure disappear. She's even started on my occasions dark choc, which she doesn't even like!

Mum is a bit paranoid about missing birthdays, keeps checking who's is next. So all on the calendar now

It's the silly / funny moments that help

She seemed a bit down yesterday, so I picked up a bunch of flowers for her "just because". She was smiling for the rest of the day

Sam

Lovely idea with the flowers, always brightens me up too.
Today I read one of your past posts about your mum saying " no Alzheimer's, just docs wanting funds for holidays " that make me laugh

 

[Sam Luvit]

My mum also has never liked dark chocolate ! And she is always fretting about missing birthdays ( my sister and I generally sort so nobody forgotten) got her a calendar and she took off October and November. At this I thought the Xmas tree will be up before hallowe'en !! Any how Hay ho

Mum was an homehelp before retirement, then got asked to do some private cleaning jobs. She did this till 75 and she too knows too much about dementia etc ..


I always find a hug , and a kiss to mum and the last thing I ever say to her is " love you mum " means the world to her and makes her smile.

We both know from past experience that the day will come when this won't be possible.

Sat here with a Doberman dog at each side of me !! They make it hard to type ha ha

Hi Margi29

That's odd. Mum also ripped off 2 months from her calendar (& one from mine), never done that before. Both mum & dad used to spend December/ January copying last years dates onto the New Years calendar, so this was sort of odd for her

Alz was the one the one thing she used to say she hoped would never happen to her. It has to be really hard for our mums knowing so much about the progression that is to come

A hug is so good (ATM) at calming mum, at times I find it hard that it's always me making peace, but I'm learning that it's not her, or I'm trying to

I have a Bischon X terrier sitting across my legs with his face on the table watching me type

Sam

 

[Sam Luvit]

Lovely idea with the flowers, always brightens me up too.
Today I read one of your past posts about your mum saying " no Alzheimer's, just docs wanting funds for holidays " that make me laugh

Hi Margi29

Dad bought mum flowers every Sunday when he got the papers, but let that slide in the last few years, so I started doing it when I visited every 3 weeks, but I realised I'd not done it much since moving in with her . It was a spur of the moment thought & she was beaming when I gave them to her, so I'm going to try to remember to do it a bit more

The doctors holiday fund is funny, it makes me giggle, but I have to try & head it off as it starts as she gets quite incensed about it.

I did try to explain its funding to help with the extra work not paid to her doctor directly, but I got a very definite "hmmmm"

I love the bones of her, but she has always had some strange ideas & this one has stuck

Sam

 

[Margi29]

Hi Sam

Well tomorrow is D Day so to speak !! Have not had mum involved in any day centres , but have found out the church in our village does 3 course meal tomorrow lunch time. My sister is going to call at mums and suggest her going, then I will call and pick her back up.
Not sure if mum will go. She has been known to say " I'm not going with that old lot !! "
I think mum forgets she's 87 !!

So will let you know.

Am desperately trying to think of things to keep her motivated.