But oh those lonely nights .........

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Scarlett123, Aug 12, 2015.

  1. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    It's taken me nearly 8 months to make my way over here, because the time wasn't right. But now, that John's ashes have been committed, and that was the last thing that I needed to do for him, the time is now.

    After nearly 50 years together, like so many of you, I feel frightened of what the future holds for me. I look for things to keep me occupied during the day, and most of the time, I can cope (ish), but once the evening shadows fall, so do my spirits.

    I started sleeping on my 2 seater settee a couple of years ago, when John developed a passion for nocturnal cuisine. Alas his version was to light the gas, and then drape a tea towel over the flame. As my settee is opposite the kitchen, and he always turned the light on first, this wakened me before more fires could occur.

    I've tried sleeping in beds a few times, to no avail, but now my son and his family have returned, and I have a double and a single bed available, I thought I would make the effort. But after 3 nights of tossing and turning, I'm thinking of returning to the settee.

    I yearn for the John of yesteryear to be with me. I ache for his company, and I still cry buckets. Naturally, I nail a smile on my face whenever anyone enquires as to my health, but every time a friend, colleague or neighbour complains about their other half, I feel like throttling them.

    I read about people who have presumably "died from a broken heart", after the loss of a partner, and have thought, both jealously and angrily "well I'm broken hearted too, so why haven't we been reunited?", and then try to give myself a good telling off.

    I know there's no magic cure for those endless silent evenings, that flow into nights, and then dawn rises, but I know I can't be the only one experiencing this. But oh! - how I wish I didn't belong to that club. :(
     
  2. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I'm so sorry Scarlett :(. I have no advice and won't presume to know what you're going through, but just wanted to give you a hug and let you know there is someone out there reading your post and thinking of you tonight.

    xxx
     
  3. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    On my way to bed and just popped onto TP before I go. I couldn't just read and run. I have no wise words for you but wanted to send you a hug. You are never on your own here at TP.

    I hope you manage to get some rest tonight xxxx
     
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,766
    Female
    Dundee
    Thinking of you Scarlett. x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app
     
  5. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Oh, Scarlett, I'm so sorry to read this :( I'm afraid I have no solutions or wise words, just wanted you to know I'm here and am sending you massive (((hugs))).

    I hope you get some rest tonight

    Lindy xx
     
  6. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    11,265
    Female
    near Folkestone
    Morning Scarlett,I am sorry you finding the evenings so hard but like the others , I have no wise words but I do have a big shoulder if you ever need one . Sending a humongous hug and lots of love your way xxxxxxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  7. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Oh Scarlett , I'm sorry I'm sure things must take a long time but I've no experience to help you only a warm hug (((())))) xx
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Hello Scarlett

    `One giant step` into the Dealing with loss sub forum. So many people find it really hard to come here so you are in good company.

    I found my way here quite naturally. Before it was about us and now it is about me. That`s how it was , this is how it is.

    Somehow I have managed to blinker myself. There is a hole in my life and I know it cannot be filled. I manage this by telling myself few couples die together unless they are in an accident . However difficult it is for me, I know I will manage alone better than my dear Dhiren would have.

    Sleep where you can Scarlett, be kind to yourself, indulge yourself , don`t try too hard to `recover`. You are allowed to grieve in the way best for you.

    Take care. xx
     
  9. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,848
    Suffolk
    (((((Hugs)))))
     
  10. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    Sending love & hugs Scarlett xx
     
  11. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Oh Scarlett! Those nights! They do seem long at times don't they? I get through them by being physically shattered! The Devon air and the hills:D find me shattered at the end of the day. The heartache is still there but sleep does heal-and to be honest I'm grateful for it.

    But what of you my lovely? When Pete was in the CH I slept on the sofa-like you I did that to keep Pete safe-not that he turned on the cooker like John did-it's what we do (did). I'm now mostly going to bed-but not always. 50 years is a long time to be with one person (we only managed 25) and the void cannot be truly filled with activities. As Sylvia says, recover in your own way; do not expect too much from yourself. When you have a better hour/day congratulate yourself on being the strong person that you are-and you are strong.

    A friend asked me how I was not so long ago; I replied 'sometimes I'm bruised, sometimes I'm wounded and sometimes I bleed'. My confused way of telling her that the hurt comes in varying strengths. It never completely goes away-but sometimes it's easier to deal with. As to those couples who moan about each other? If only they knew:mad:

    Take care of yourself my dear

    Love from

    Lyn T XX
     
  12. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,491
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Sleep where you can have rest Scarlett. Where doesn't matter.
    Do what you have to do but if and when you feel able to do it.
    Everyone is individual and despite common bonds of grieving, have different ways of coping.

    You have done so well in moving forward, with your volunteering activities whereas I have given mine up. It just became a commitment I could no longer make but I do miss it even though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
    Others say, now it is time for you.
    Me? Me alone is a strange concept and I'm not sure I know who 'me' is anymore and alone I seem to have no identity. After 54 years (last Sunday) as one of a couple, how do I know who I am alone.

    I think what I'm trying to say is that it's still a strange and unreal life for me , Scarlett and you have had less time to acclimatise.
    So just let yourself do what you feel is right, sleep where you feel more relaxed and be who you want to be whenever you can. xxx
     
  13. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Saffie, that is a very hard problem to solve. After years of being 2 becoming 1 is so difficult. As I said I only had 25 years, and I've always been been very independent and so was Pete before Dementia struck. I constantly feel that something is missing-I'm no longer 'whole'- so much for being an independent person:confused: I can only imagine what it is like when you have spent 50+ years with the same person.

    Love to you and Scarlett

    Lyn T XX
     
  14. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,597
    Female
    Scotland
    #14 marionq, Aug 13, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2015
    My Mum was widowed at 32 the year I was born. She remained faithful until her death at 85. I know she slept badly as I shared her room and bed. She would read until the wee sma hours and by the time I started school at four I could read too. It must have been osmosis because I asked her once what method she used to teach me (ever the school teacher). She had no idea and said she was just trying to keep me busy.

    I'm not suggesting you adopt a child but a good Book Group might help to direct your thoughts away from your pain. Could you start one for widows and widowers or just amnesiacs?

    Just a thought- I love all of William Boyds books and also Annie Proulx. Maybe others could suggest a good author.
     
  15. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,597
    Female
    Scotland
    My Mum was widowed at 32 the year I was born. She remained faithful until her death at 85. I know she slept badly as I shared her room and bed. She would read until the wee sma hours and by the time I started school at four I could read too. It must have been osmosis because I asked her once what method she used to teach me (ever the school teacher). She had no idea and said she was just trying to keep me busy.

    I'm not suggesting you adopt a child but a good Book Group might help to direct your thoughts away from your pain. Could you start one for widows and widowers or just insomniacs?

    Just a thought- I love all of William Boyds books and also Annie Proulx. Maybe others could suggest a good author.
     
  16. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,491
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #16 Saffie, Aug 13, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2015
    Thanks Lyn. I'm not too sure of what I'm feeling or why myself, I confess.
    It's not as though Dave and I were a couple who did everything, or even very much, together. I was pretty independent and had my own friends whilst Dave was very involved in his sporting activities. It's just that together or apart, he was one half and I was the other. For a long time and we were in college together before our marriage. Now, nothing seems real any more.
    Both you and Scarlett you have been so pro-active, in different ways, in moving forward whilst I seem to remain at a standstill and lack the energy to do anything about it. Maybe one day. xxx
     
  17. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Don't be so hard on yourself Saffie. You have had physical problems to deal with-I haven't. Mentally/emotionally I was going downhill (as I'm sure most people do who have lost people who are dear to them) but physically I'm as strong as an Ox-apart from a broken heart:( Even stronger now with all the hills I tackle on a daily basis:D

    Life is hard at times isn't it?

    Love, as always

    Lyn T XX
     
  18. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,346
    I don't feel I can add anything intelligent to this, other than to say that I can relate to so much that has been written.

    I miss Roger so much, and I too wonder about the future, but choose to think only for the next day or few days.

    J x
     
  19. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    1,414
    Female
    East Coast of Australia
    I understand

    I am nearly three years out from Ray's death and still have trouble sleeping some nights, if only I could hear him snoring away in the next bed ( we had twin beds pushed together) and know that when I woke up he would be here.

    Sue.
     
  20. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,346
    I often dream that Roger is there beside me, but then wake up. :(
     

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