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Being accused of misusing fathers account

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,557
Kent
Oh my goodness what a terrible toll it is taking but glad that you all there to support each other. What a dreadful sister she is.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Just read this thread through and am appalled. It seems to me that SIL is being a bully and has no right to anything she's asking for. And to be discussing the sale of MIL's house after her death at this point is awful!!

@Upset and tired , I really hope you can take a step back from all this and find a way to put SIL's manipulations back in a box where they belong. Have you discussed your feelings with a GP? I wonder whether some counselling might help. You both sound at a very low ebb and I hope you get some outside support soon.
All the best to you and OH
Hugs
Lindy xx
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
Thank you all for your support and advice. I think we both need some form of counselling especially my husband who has basically lost his family. At the end of the day, yes it would be nice to have an inheritance but it is only money and I’d rather have my husband back to his normal self and a peaceful life. I will be the first to say, yes, we have made mistakes and with hindsight would have managed things financially differently and I’m willing to repay anything I think is wrong but not through bullying and emotional blackmail. It’s too late now to sit down and talk things rationally, too much damage and hurt have been caused. Let’s hope it makes them happy but I doubt it. Hopefully further down the line we can look at it as a lesson learnt. Life is far too short and looking after a lovely father in law with Alzheimer’s showed us that.
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
I sincerely hope that things are calmer for you today - you are in my thoughts - we all have ‘them’, we are going through a terrible time with my SIL - all non- sensical & managing to cause immense upset .. it’s been going on since June last year - it takes its toll I do know - anyway, please look after yourselves xx
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
Thank you for your kind words. In one way it’s shown how close our own family are. Our two children have rallied around and given us support. They’ve never seen their strong father so heartbroken and they’re are closing ranks. We’ve also got some lovely friends. With hindsight, she has the bank statements, she hasn’t asked for any supporting evidence from us, her behaviour is completely bizarre. We realise that the money is not important and SIL will never be happy. Our family and peace and quiet are all that matters. I’m sure the fighting spirit will return at some stage but for the time being we will let the solicitor take the strain. This forum has shown me that we are not alone and for that I am extremely grateful.
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
It is just terrible how a sibling can inflict so much upset ....as you say, you can now let your Solicitor deal with matters & enables you to get on with your lives .. your lives are what is more important right now xx
I do wonder if there is some mental health issues involved as I have never come across such bizarre behaviour but more likely just greediness. How do you cope with your SIL behaviour? It’s sad in a way how many people like us have this problem. Dealing with my FIL Alzheimer’s in some ways was easier to deal with as we knew his behaviour was due to that terrible disease.
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
My husband sent his mother a heart reaching letter which broke my heart. A man no matter his age needs his mother. She did leave an answer phone message to my daughter asking how we both were. We sat down this morning, my husband had reached the angry stage, and wrote down everything he had done, bought out of their joint account and we realised how much he has done for her benefit. All the paperwork ready for our solicitors meeting is done. It would be nice if we could try and ignore all the rankings and threats but it’s all too fresh. Hopefully we will pass that stage and move on. I do appreciate all the help and support it’s kept me going this weekend. The bright spot among all this is I’m losing weight...
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,557
Kent
TP always here for you and your OH whenever you need. I hope mother can see through her daughter and make her own judgement on the situation and perhaps the letter will help. Glad for your OH that mother made attempt to make contact.Yay! Weight loss...every cloud etc
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,027
For us we just ‘take it as it comes’ with venomous communications sent to us by her which she also copies to Solicitor handling my FIL’s Estate - it’s absolutely atrocious ......my husband either doesn’t respond (which I think aggravates her more) or he will respond calmly if necessary which again seems to cause her upset - basically, he’s damned if he does or doesn’t. I seriously think she has ‘issues’ and so does my BIL ...she has successfully alienated herself from the whole family - as I say to my husband, it’s just meaningless words regardless of the content .....she rang and left a long unpleasant message today which will be ignored. We handle the best way we can but it’s blinking tedious. Anyway, hope you have a relax over this weekend x
I really don't think you have anything to answer for. Ignore her and get on with your own lives.
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
It’ll be interesting to see how the solicitor deals with it. My OH,s emotions are all over the place and I’m trying to remain calm but it’s hard. The other good thing is that we realise that we need to put our own affairs in order to avoid this type of drama happening again. I’ll update how it goes tomorrow. Perhaps when it’s all over I can wrote a book how to avoid pitfalls of greedy relatives......
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
Cheers. I’m sure we could come up with a few more titles.... let you know the update. Just getting the mountain of paperwork for tomorrow x
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
Well we’ve been to the solicitors. She has agreed to deal with our issues. I was correct that SIL has no legal rights to have any details of the account between my OH and FIL. she is going to write to SIL that the only contact regarding any legal/financial/allegations are sent direct to our solicitor.she is also going to request copies of all statements relating to my MIL Accounts to ensure that monies are not being misused. She is also said that SIL demands regarding the house and paying her £80,00 verges on blackmail and that is not appropriate to discuss those issues whilst MIL is still alive. We in the meantime now have the tedious job of going through 3 years of bank transactions to state what they were for. It’s safer that we had a joint bank account with MIL but in hindsight would have been preferable to have opened a new one rather than use FIL account. Any discrepancies we have said we are happy to repay. All in all lessons to be learnt. Hopefully this will now take the pressure of us. Lots of other things can be dealt with at a later stage should she wish to escalate the accusations. There is a concern for MIL welfare and that can be addressed confidentially by requesting her GP makes a visit. OH got quite emotional at times and digressed but I was able to bring the conversation back to the basic concerns. All in all a productive, if expensive, meeting.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,557
Kent
In my first reply I changed the word from blackmail to bullying regarding the £80k as I thought maybe a bit too strong so it is interesting the solicitor has similar thoughts. This process may be expensive but if receiving a solicitor letter or two helps to bring SIL into line it will be money well spent. I hope that your OH and you can relax a little more now that you have someone backing you ..other than we on TP I and others are totally behind you...suggest glass of wine...warm fire...and dreaded bank statement evening.
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
Thank you for your support. We’re both shattered with very little sleep but feeling more positive and stronger. You begin to doubt and question yourself when someone constantly digs away at you. The solicitor was very calm and will start gently and firmly but can do more if SIL continues with her campaign. Funnily enough the solicitor did ask what medical issues SIL suffered from and we did say about her erratic behaviour. Might give ourselves the rest of the day off, relax and drink..... again thank you all, this has certainly helped getting things of my chest and I now feel that I’m not going cpletely crazy xx
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
I’m changing my occupation!!! Just received the rates for the solicitor. Hourly rate £175-275 per hour. Initial charges between £750-£1750. Hope it works.
 

nicoise

Registered User
Jun 29, 2010
1,806
I’m changing my occupation!!! Just received the rates for the solicitor. Hourly rate £175-275 per hour. Initial charges between £750-£1750. Hope it works.
I’m sure that has come as a bit of a nasty surprise, but that really is the standard rate depending on the experience of the solicitor concerned. Remember they’ve had to study and fund that to achieve their professional status, plus pay the insurances required by their regulatory body.

It is also why people threatening legal action really do need a good case to pursue - no reputable solicitor would advise action without an almost watertight complaint.

Whilst those fees will have poured more salt on the wounds, it does mean that the advice you’ve paid for lets you know where you stand, and will hopefully give you the confidence to shrug off SIL’s attacks. Step back and take stock of the situation, and recuperate. Hopefully it might calm SIL down and you can get back to your normal lives.
 

Upset and tired

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
35
I am very pleased that you had a good meeting. It is good that your Solicitor will write to SIL as well, she will see that you both mean business, the only way to deal with a bully. Sometimes it is worth the expense to put your minds at rest and give you the correct advice. Now please make sure that you allow yourselves a nice drink later before the task ahead of you with those dreaded bank statements over the coming days. I hope that you both feel better in yourselves today x
I’m sure that has come as a bit of a nasty surprise, but that really is the standard rate depending on the experience of the solicitor concerned. Remember they’ve had to study and fund that to achieve their professional status, plus pay the insurances required by their regulatory body.

It is also why people threatening legal action really do need a good case to pursue - no reputable solicitor would advise action without an almost watertight complaint.

Whilst those fees will have poured more salt on the wounds, it does mean that the advice you’ve paid for lets you know where you stand, and will hopefully give you the confidence to shrug off SIL’s attacks. Step back and take stock of the situation, and recuperate. Hopefully it might calm SIL down and you can get back to your normal lives.