1. Q&A: Medication - Thurs 22nd November, 3-4pm

    Do you have questions about medication and drug treatments for dementia? There's no drug to cure dementia yet, but it's often possible to relieve some symptoms.

    Our next expert Q&A will be hosted by Simon from our Knowledge Services team. He will be answering your questions on Thursday 22nd November from 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Being accused of misusing fathers account

Discussion in 'Legal and financial issues' started by Upset and tired, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,662
    Kent
    I too think in part the sister may be jealous and angry that parents have gifted your OH money that she may not have had. They are fully entitled to do what they wish with their money before and post death. I know her rants and threats must be hard to bear but I would just ignore them...she has been told officially also by the bank the account is none of her business and is venting her anger at your OH because she can't get own own way. Don't allow this woman to bully you. If you can...find a way to get your MIL on her own to discuss the reality of her daughter's behaviour as she has mental capacity...but if you can't..try not to worry...the SIL cannot get the info she wants and threats will not get her anywhere. Best wishes to you both
     
  2. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    Things only get worse. SIL has stated that she would take matters further ie civil action as long as long as we would agree that upon MIL death when she wants to buy my husbands share of the house but with a reduction of £80,000. I asked for a copy of the figures and statements showing the funds she thinks we have used but refused. I also said I would be happy to pay back and transactions that I couldn’t prove or remember but she wasn’t prepared to listen. She then proceeded to her teddy out of the pram when I suggested that communications and trust had irrevocably broken down and would be better to enlist a legal expert to take over. She has obviously manipulated her mother who was cruel and to see my husband sob uncontrollably was horrendous. We have now contacted a solicitor to take over the case. In my opinion the money isn’t worth the stress and pain we’re going through. At this stage I just want us to enjoy our last few years happy and quietly.
     
  3. Ducky601

    Ducky601 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2018
    93
    How absolutely awful for you both, she’s nothing but a bully. Definitely the right thing consulting your Solicitor who will no doubt sort things (and her) out.
     
  4. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,662
    Kent
    #24 love.dad.but.., Nov 8, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2018
    She is clearly getting very much ahead of herself...discussion of any proceeds from an estate and wishes stated in a will etc are only relevant after death.
    Personally I would say to SIL go ahead and let her mount up her legal costs..it is sad that mother is caught up in all of this but if she is being manipulated by SIL and can't for whatever reason recognise this or see her loving kind son as before unless you can speak privately ..write to her or ask a trusted family friend to mediate am not sure what you can do. I certainly wouldn't agree to her demands on her expected proceeds of mother's house and remind her until mother passes away it is an inappropriate discussion and in any case your OH will insist on 3 valuations of the peoperty and she will pay a fair market price when the time comes. She is bullying your OH...she has no authority to question FIL/OH bank ac or cash flow during that time I would tell her to take a running jump if me. I hope your solicitor will give you sound advice on this...and hopefully confirm legally to you she hasn't a leg to stand on.
     
  5. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    Due to the stress I ended up in hospital yesterday with possible TIA. Luckily we have 2 supportive children but don’t want them to become involved at the end of the day shes still their Grandma but they’re so concerned for their dad especially and seeing him so upset.
     
  6. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,662
    Kent
    Oh my goodness what a terrible toll it is taking but glad that you all there to support each other. What a dreadful sister she is.
     
  7. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,273
    Cotswolds
    Just read this thread through and am appalled. It seems to me that SIL is being a bully and has no right to anything she's asking for. And to be discussing the sale of MIL's house after her death at this point is awful!!

    @Upset and tired , I really hope you can take a step back from all this and find a way to put SIL's manipulations back in a box where they belong. Have you discussed your feelings with a GP? I wonder whether some counselling might help. You both sound at a very low ebb and I hope you get some outside support soon.
    All the best to you and OH
    Hugs
    Lindy xx
     
  8. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    Thank you all for your support and advice. I think we both need some form of counselling especially my husband who has basically lost his family. At the end of the day, yes it would be nice to have an inheritance but it is only money and I’d rather have my husband back to his normal self and a peaceful life. I will be the first to say, yes, we have made mistakes and with hindsight would have managed things financially differently and I’m willing to repay anything I think is wrong but not through bullying and emotional blackmail. It’s too late now to sit down and talk things rationally, too much damage and hurt have been caused. Let’s hope it makes them happy but I doubt it. Hopefully further down the line we can look at it as a lesson learnt. Life is far too short and looking after a lovely father in law with Alzheimer’s showed us that.
     
  9. Ducky601

    Ducky601 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2018
    93
    I sincerely hope that things are calmer for you today - you are in my thoughts - we all have ‘them’, we are going through a terrible time with my SIL - all non- sensical & managing to cause immense upset .. it’s been going on since June last year - it takes its toll I do know - anyway, please look after yourselves xx
     
  10. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
     
  11. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    Thank you for your kind words. In one way it’s shown how close our own family are. Our two children have rallied around and given us support. They’ve never seen their strong father so heartbroken and they’re are closing ranks. We’ve also got some lovely friends. With hindsight, she has the bank statements, she hasn’t asked for any supporting evidence from us, her behaviour is completely bizarre. We realise that the money is not important and SIL will never be happy. Our family and peace and quiet are all that matters. I’m sure the fighting spirit will return at some stage but for the time being we will let the solicitor take the strain. This forum has shown me that we are not alone and for that I am extremely grateful.
     
  12. Ducky601

    Ducky601 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2018
    93
    It is just terrible how a sibling can inflict so much upset ....as you say, you can now let your Solicitor deal with matters & enables you to get on with your lives .. your lives are what is more important right now xx
     
  13. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    I do wonder if there is some mental health issues involved as I have never come across such bizarre behaviour but more likely just greediness. How do you cope with your SIL behaviour? It’s sad in a way how many people like us have this problem. Dealing with my FIL Alzheimer’s in some ways was easier to deal with as we knew his behaviour was due to that terrible disease.
     
  14. Ducky601

    Ducky601 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2018
    93

    For us we just ‘take it as it comes’ with venomous communications sent to us by her which she also copies to Solicitor handling my FIL’s Estate - it’s absolutely atrocious ......my husband either doesn’t respond (which I think aggravates her more) or he will respond calmly if necessary which again seems to cause her upset - basically, he’s damned if he does or doesn’t. I seriously think she has ‘issues’ and so does my BIL ...she has successfully alienated herself from the whole family - as I say to my husband, it’s just meaningless words regardless of the content .....she rang and left a long unpleasant message today which will be ignored. We handle the best way we can but it’s blinking tedious. Anyway, hope you have a relax over this weekend x
     
  15. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    My husband sent his mother a heart reaching letter which broke my heart. A man no matter his age needs his mother. She did leave an answer phone message to my daughter asking how we both were. We sat down this morning, my husband had reached the angry stage, and wrote down everything he had done, bought out of their joint account and we realised how much he has done for her benefit. All the paperwork ready for our solicitors meeting is done. It would be nice if we could try and ignore all the rankings and threats but it’s all too fresh. Hopefully we will pass that stage and move on. I do appreciate all the help and support it’s kept me going this weekend. The bright spot among all this is I’m losing weight...
     
  16. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,662
    Kent
    TP always here for you and your OH whenever you need. I hope mother can see through her daughter and make her own judgement on the situation and perhaps the letter will help. Glad for your OH that mother made attempt to make contact.Yay! Weight loss...every cloud etc
     
  17. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,005
    I really don't think you have anything to answer for. Ignore her and get on with your own lives.
     
  18. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    It’ll be interesting to see how the solicitor deals with it. My OH,s emotions are all over the place and I’m trying to remain calm but it’s hard. The other good thing is that we realise that we need to put our own affairs in order to avoid this type of drama happening again. I’ll update how it goes tomorrow. Perhaps when it’s all over I can wrote a book how to avoid pitfalls of greedy relatives......
     
  19. Ducky601

    Ducky601 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2018
    93
    Be interesting to hear your update etc. I’ll write a book about a ‘doomed executor’ who refused to use a Solicitor for the very complex/large estate, who demanded her 2 brothers renounce and when they wouldnt, said she was going to ‘sit back & do nothing’.... who’d have thought .. Anyway, peckers up & all the best tomorrow
     
  20. Upset and tired

    Upset and tired Registered User

    Nov 6, 2018
    35
    Cheers. I’m sure we could come up with a few more titles.... let you know the update. Just getting the mountain of paperwork for tomorrow x
     

Share This Page