Banging my head on a brick wall

[Skylark/2]

Good morning everyone.
First bear with me whilst I give you some background.
Husband is 77, has Alzheimer’s , diagnosed about 2+years ago. Had a haemorroidectomy some months ago. Is an abusive bully, getting worse.
After his operation, for a few weeks, all was o.k with his bowel problem. He then started to feel constipated so g.p prescribed Senna tablets at night, Laxido 2 sachets during day. Since then ( now some weeks ) husband ‘ bounces ‘ between diarrhoea and constipation. If he stops the senna, he gets constipated, takes senna he gets diarrhoea. He expects instant results, have explained over and over they take hours to work,
He is blaming me for not providing solutions and answers……I am not a professional. Approx 10 days ago I was so upset at his accusations of not caring, ignoring him , that I went to the g.p late Friday p.m in the vain hope of getting a face to face appointment and we would be able to explain in depth what the problem is. Also g.p might be able to see how annoyed and irrational husband was becoming. We didn’t get the appointment but a call from the clinician advised the senna, Laxido regime.
Fast forward to this weekend. Husband v abusive all weekend about what is happening and ‘ what are you going to do about it!’ I promised as soon as surgery opened on Monday morning I would try and get a face to face appointment. At 8 a.m I was at the surgery, filling out a form in great detail what was happening and was told to expect a telephone call sometime. So far nothing, I suspect that it will be a telephone conversation , was told before ‘ it’s not an emergency’ which is not ideal as I feel we need to be sitting in front of the g.p and they need to take into account how the bowel problem is affecting my husband’s dementia anxiety……to say nothing about how his abusive temper tantrums are affecting me!
Feel like tearing my hair out, so frustrated. Does anyone know how to get in front of your ‘ family doctor ‘ these days. Not a good start to the week.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Jessbow]

what happens if he just takes laxido?

 

[Skylark/2]

what happens if he just takes laxido?

Hi @Jessbow .
Saturday he had diarrhoea so didn’t take senna on Sat night. Sunday he felt he needed to take Laxido, took 3 during day and managed 1 small bowel movement. Took senna last night and has explosive diarrhoea today! Apologies for too much detail but modesty and privacy is going out the window!
still no phone call from surgery.

 

[Violet Jane]

I think that you need to write a letter or an email to the practice setting out what you have said here. Abusive behaviour is at the very least urgent and the practice seems to have no comprehension about how the behaviour is affecting you. Is your husband taking any medication for his behaviour? If not, you should push for some to calm his anxiety, aggression, obsessive behaviour.

I'm going to be blunt and ask: do you want to go on caring for your husband? Things sound very bad now and perhaps you should be pushing for a period of respite to give you time to regroup and decide on the way forward. By law you're not under an obligation to care for your husband and so you could separate or divorce if residential care is not possible.

I don't think that you can carry on like this.

 

[Lawson58]

Perhaps you could check the directions on the Laxido container. Depending on the strength, you may be able to increase the Laxido and drop the senna.

There are lots of options over the counter medicines to treat constipation so maybe you could have a chat with your pharmacist to find a different solution.

 

[Skylark/2]

Thank you @Lawson58 . The usual instructions on the Laxido sachets are 1-3 sachets daily and if faecal impacted up to 8 sachets over 6 hours. Have done that in the past and also Dulcolax, bought from the pharmacy.
Still no call from the surgery, am starting to consider speaking to a pharmacist.
also @Violet Jane . To be frank , I am starting to think of respite for my husband or a day centre, to give me a break from being the sole carer 24/7. I know he will refuse, he doesn’t like me to be out of his sight. Will take my keys as he doesn’t like me ’ swanning ‘ around in his car. Does supermarket shopping, hospital, dental appointments, taking us for a coffee count as ‘ swanning ‘ around!!!
This last week or two I have considered updating my will. If I die first my savings will pass to my husband ( under our present wills) and will be swallowed up in care home fees. Our 2 sons and our grandchildren will receive nothing, am I being practical or am I conniving, something my OH accuses me of along with other choice phrases.
I’m no Spring chicken being 77 and have cared and looked after my O.H for 53 years, something else he dismisses as irrelevant. I could go on, but won’t

 

[mich1268]

No do go on. Its OK to. Updating your will I think is sensible. No point spending the money on a care home when the local council can once his own savings have run out. The care home my fil went into charged the local authority 900 a week and private clients 1600. Same home, different bill payer. A delicate question I know but wonder if this abusive behaviour happened only after being diagnosed with dementia. You may not wish to answer that on this forum but if it has been a theme for many years in your marriage, now is the time to put yourself first and empower yourself. You have one life. Actually frankly if it is a recent symptom of dementia, again, you have this one life. There is a huge difference between selfishness and self preservation.

 

[Bettysue]

On a practical level you’d be wise to change your will. Our solicitor advised this when my partner was losing capacity and a care home looked likely. It seemed awful at the time but I rewrote my will leaving him out. In the event of my dying first the only thing he would have inherited was his half share in our house. My half and any money was willed to who I wanted to receive it.
In the event he passed away in March so it was never an issue but who wants to see all their savings go to pay care home fees!

 

[mich1268]

Totally agree Bettysue. Makes absolutely no sense when you don't have to.

 

[jay6]

@Skylark/2 Why is it so hard for GP's to understand or even get an appointment? You can't go on like this. Hope they did eventually call you and helped get things sorted. You have enough putting up with.

@Bettysue That's something we often overlook. Glad you pointed that out.

 

[Tomsamsmum]

No do go on. Its OK to. Updating your will I think is sensible. No point spending the money on a care home when the local council can once his own savings have run out. The care home my fil went into charged the local authority 900 a week and private clients 1600. Same home, different bill payer. A delicate question I know but wonder if this abusive behaviour happened only after being diagnosed with dementia. You may not wish to answer that on this forum but if it has been a theme for many years in your marriage, now is the time to put yourself first and empower yourself. You have one life. Actually frankly if it is a recent symptom of dementia, again, you have this one life. There is a huge difference between selfishness and self preservation.

How can that actually be lawful to charge so differently?😡

 

[duchess55]

Thank you @Lawson58 . The usual instructions on the Laxido sachets are 1-3 sachets daily and if faecal impacted up to 8 sachets over 6 hours. Have done that in the past and also Dulcolax, bought from the pharmacy.
Still no call from the surgery, am starting to consider speaking to a pharmacist.
also @Violet Jane . To be frank , I am starting to think of respite for my husband or a day centre, to give me a break from being the sole carer 24/7. I know he will refuse, he doesn’t like me to be out of his sight. Will take my keys as he doesn’t like me ’ swanning ‘ around in his car. Does supermarket shopping, hospital, dental appointments, taking us for a coffee count as ‘ swanning ‘ around!!!
This last week or two I have considered updating my will. If I die first my savings will pass to my husband ( under our present wills) and will be swallowed up in care home fees. Our 2 sons and our grandchildren will receive nothing, am I being practical or am I conniving, something my OH accuses me of along with other choice phrases.
I’m no Spring chicken being 77 and have cared and looked after my O.H for 53 years, something else he dismisses as irrelevant. I could go on, but won’t

I so understand where you are coming from. I changed my will for the same reasons as you.

My husband would not let me out of his sight also. He was the kindest most loving and gentle person and when dementia struck he changed, abusive, aggressive, I could go on.

I was in the process of trying to get him into daycare one day a week when he died suddenly, in my arms. I am still traumatised from looking after him and the manner he died.

I so understand your need for a break. My best wishes to you.

 

[duchess55]

Sorry, my Message was meant for Skylark.

 

[jay6]

How can that actually be lawful to charge so differently?😡

Wish I knew the answer to that one. Should be a law against it, but suppose it's same sort of thing as doing same job but employers give different wages for the same work.
About time it was all sorted and put into law. Same thing - Same charge

 

[pauljp]

Good morning everyone.
First bear with me whilst I give you some background.
Husband is 77, has Alzheimer’s , diagnosed about 2+years ago. Had a haemorroidectomy some months ago. Is an abusive bully, getting worse.
After his operation, for a few weeks, all was o.k with his bowel problem. He then started to feel constipated so g.p prescribed Senna tablets at night, Laxido 2 sachets during day. Since then ( now some weeks ) husband ‘ bounces ‘ between diarrhoea and constipation. If he stops the senna, he gets constipated, takes senna he gets diarrhoea. He expects instant results, have explained over and over they take hours to work,
He is blaming me for not providing solutions and answers……I am not a professional. Approx 10 days ago I was so upset at his accusations of not caring, ignoring him , that I went to the g.p late Friday p.m in the vain hope of getting a face to face appointment and we would be able to explain in depth what the problem is. Also g.p might be able to see how annoyed and irrational husband was becoming. We didn’t get the appointment but a call from the clinician advised the senna, Laxido regime.
Fast forward to this weekend. Husband v abusive all weekend about what is happening and ‘ what are you going to do about it!’ I promised as soon as surgery opened on Monday morning I would try and get a face to face appointment. At 8 a.m I was at the surgery, filling out a form in great detail what was happening and was told to expect a telephone call sometime. So far nothing, I suspect that it will be a telephone conversation , was told before ‘ it’s not an emergency’ which is not ideal as I feel we need to be sitting in front of the g.p and they need to take into account how the bowel problem is affecting my husband’s dementia anxiety……to say nothing about how his abusive temper tantrums are affecting me!
Feel like tearing my hair out, so frustrated. Does anyone know how to get in front of your ‘ family doctor ‘ these days. Not a good start to the week.
Thanks for reading.

I will Pray for your situation, God Bless you it sounds hard. But hard times lead to better times and good things will happen if you can just stay positive. Try to get your loved one outside for walks, nature sometimes can be the best healer.

 

[mich1268]

How can that actually be lawful to charge so differently?😡

Welcome to our privatised social care. They do a contract with the local authority for a certain number of beds and make the bulk of their profit on the self funders

 

[jay6]

Welcome to our privatised social care. They do a contract with the local authority for a certain number of beds and make the bulk of their profit on the self funders

True but shouldn't be allowed though

 

[canary]

True but shouldn't be allowed though

The only way that could be rectified is if the government put a heck of a load more money into the LA councils budget for social care and I cant honestly see that happening.


Either that or the LA would have further restrict access to LA funding

 

[Skylark/2]

No do go on. Its OK to. Updating your will I think is sensible. No point spending the money on a care home when the local council can once his own savings have run out. The care home my fil went into charged the local authority 900 a week and private clients 1600. Same home, different bill payer. A delicate question I know but wonder if this abusive behaviour happened only after being diagnosed with dementia. You may not wish to answer that on this forum but if it has been a theme for many years in your marriage, now is the time to put yourself first and empower yourself. You have one life. Actually frankly if it is a recent symptom of dementia, again, you have this one life. There is a huge difference between selfishness and self preservation.

No do go on. It’s OK to. Updating your will I think is sensible. No point spending the money on a care home when the local council can once his own savings have run out. The care home my fil went into charged the local authority 900 a week and private clients 1600. Same home, different bill payer. A delicate question I know but wonder if this abusive behaviour happened only after being diagnosed with dementia. You may not wish to answer that on this forum but if it has been a theme for many years in your marriage, now is the time to put yourself first and empower yourself. You have one life. Actually frankly if it is a recent symptom of dementia, again, you have this one life. There is a huge difference between selfishness and self preservation.

Thank you for your replying and also to the people who replied afterwards and think that updating my will is a sensible idea.
You ask if my husband’s abusive behaviour has been for many years and the short answer is yes, sadly yes.
I left school at 15, met my husband at 16, married for 53 years. He was very intelligent, ambitious and ran a successful business. I worked in various jobs ( nothing high flying and was only a stay at home mum until our sons started school. However one of the hurtful remarks I get thrown in my face is that I have contributed nothing to our marriage and he has provided everything. Monetarily, I haven’t but I have brought up his children, supported him emotionally and put up with his nasty sarcastic temper. Since his diagnosis he has got worse and I dread what might happen in the future.

 

[Skylark/2]

I so understand where you are coming from. I changed my will for the same reasons as you.

My husband would not let me out of his sight also. He was the kindest most loving and gentle person and when dementia struck he changed, abusive, aggressive, I could go on.

I was in the process of trying to get him into daycare one day a week when he died suddenly, in my arms. I am still traumatised from looking after him and the manner he died.

I so understand your need for a break. My best wishes to you.

Thank you for your reply and your support.
Can I offer my condolences at your sad loss. I hope you are being very kind to your self, you have support and your trauma is slowly lightening.