At the end of my tether...

[Bunpoots]

Hi Bunpoots, I've just been catching up with your post, it seems like you have your hands full. I'm just starting with my dad having a few issues with incontinence and I kind of chuckled when I read some of the excuses your dad uses for why he is wet as my dad uses the exact same reasons. I am no where near the stage you are though as my dad is not wetting the bed etc, I think he's just not quite getting to the toilet in time, but he insists that the wet is nothing and it doesn't smell. I use the excuse one of the earlier posters suggested and ignore the fact it could be urine and just tell him he's spilt his tea so we need to get his trousers changed. He does sometimes go along with this. My dad has also started to go commando, which is kind of disconcerting, especially as I saw the crotch seam in his trousers today was ripped and I saw more of dad than I wanted to.

My dad refuses to wash and shower when I ask him to, I've also discovered his electric shower has now stopped working, so I've now taken it on myself to just get a bowl of warm water, soap and a flannel and I wash him in the lounge. I don't ask, I don't warn, I just tell him we are going to remove his top half clothes and I wash him with the flannel, he always starts to complain but when I start to wash him he actually enjoys it and strangely its kind of nice bonding experience. When it comes to the bottom half, I just tell him to remove his trousers, I use a towel to shield his modesty and then I give him the wet soapy flannel and tell him to wash his own private bits (that does take some time getting him to understand, but we eventually get there).

With regards your health and wellbeing, this is really important. I was getting a bit like you last year, I had high blood pressure, I was stress eating, plus my dad likes to go out for lunch, so I was eating two large meals a day and the pounds were piling on, my hips and knees were aching too. My saviour was a bursary from the carers centre which I got in August last year, they suggested I put it towards a weekend away, but that wasn't possible with my dad, so I asked could I put this towards a leisure centre membership and they said yes, so I started off by going swimming early in the morning (7-7.30am) before I go to visit dad. The swimming just enabled me to relax and think about nothing but what length number I was doing, plus it has improved my fitness and I've lost weight. I now alternate between swimming and going the gym and this just sets me up for the day and helps me chill and deal with whatever is thrown at me by dad. So what I'm trying to say is, try putting yourself first occasionally, it really helps.

Take care.
Elle x

Thanks @Elle3

I know I need to make time for myself. I've just had a carer's assessment done and have been awarded a small sum to spend on whatever I want. I've decided to buy a cheap pushbike. Dad only lives a couple a miles from me but it takes the best part of an hour to walk there and back so I struggle to find time. It should only take about 10 mins Each way by bike and I'll get some exercise - especially on the steep hill ...hoping to lose a few pounds this summer!!

I'm sorry to hear your dad is starting to have little accidents. It's the hardest thing to manage I find. Dad still insists he can do everything by himself but I am worried about his hygiene with the incontinence. I've asked for the SS to do an assessment on him and the OT is one my side about the help he needs. SS are hoping to persuade me I can cope but I intend to dig my heels in!! Hopefully carers will be more successful than me in persuading him to shower..

 

[Amy in the US]

Bunpoots, can you also ask for a referral to the local (In)continence service/team/nurse?

I hear you on the incontinence being such a worry, especially with hygiene and skin integrity, not to mention being so difficult to deal with in the home. All the pads and pullups and Kylie sheets and disposable pads in the world, aren't enough sometimes. I really don't know how you manage and I take my hat off to you.

Do NOT let Social Services convince you that you can do everything. That is rubbish and we all know it, all too well, I fear.

Visualize an army of us from TP standing firm behind you, hands on hips, glaring at them!!!

 

[Bunpoots]

Bunpoots, can you also ask for a referral to the local (In)continence service/team/nurse?

I hear you on the incontinence being such a worry, especially with hygiene and skin integrity, not to mention being so difficult to deal with in the home. All the pads and pullups and Kylie sheets and disposable pads in the world, aren't enough sometimes. I really don't know how you manage and I take my hat off to you.

Do NOT let Social Services convince you that you can do everything. That is rubbish and we all know it, all too well, I fear.

Visualize an army of us from TP standing firm behind you, hands on hips, glaring at them!!!

Thanks Amy. I'll think of the TP army and will not be cowed!!

Dad's already with the incontinence clinic - pull-ups arrived last Thursday ( even though the nurse said we'd be unlikely to get them) so I'm hoping dad will remember to wear them...

 

[Elle3]

Thanks @Elle3

I know I need to make time for myself. I've just had a carer's assessment done and have been awarded a small sum to spend on whatever I want. I've decided to buy a cheap pushbike. Dad only lives a couple a miles from me but it takes the best part of an hour to walk there and back so I struggle to find time. It should only take about 10 mins Each way by bike and I'll get some exercise - especially on the steep hill ...hoping to lose a few pounds this summer!!

I'm sorry to hear your dad is starting to have little accidents. It's the hardest thing to manage I find. Dad still insists he can do everything by himself but I am worried about his hygiene with the incontinence. I've asked for the SS to do an assessment on him and the OT is one my side about the help he needs. SS are hoping to persuade me I can cope but I intend to dig my heels in!! Hopefully carers will be more successful than me in persuading him to shower..

Great news about the bike and what a great idea to spend the money on, that should definitely help with your fitness. I wish you well with that and make sure you pedal hard and lower that gear to get up the steep hill.

Don't let SS persuade you to do anything you are not happy with, I have found SS have been very supportive of me and in the end their decisions should be in the best interest for you and your dad. Just be totally honest with them and lay out everything that has been happening with your dad. If it helps write it down, that way you won't forget anything. Good luck. Elle x

 

[Bunpoots]

Great news about the bike and what a great idea to spend the money on, that should definitely help with your fitness. I wish you well with that and make sure you pedal hard and lower that gear to get up the steep hill.

Don't let SS persuade you to do anything you are not happy with, I have found SS have been very supportive of me and in the end their decisions should be in the best interest for you and your dad. Just be totally honest with them and lay out everything that has been happening with your dad. If it helps write it down, that way you won't forget anything. Good luck. Elle x

Thank you. I'll start making notes

 

[Rolypoly]

For someone who is taking a cholinesterase inhibitor, a decision will need to be made when their Alzheimer's disease becomes severe. There is now good evidence that cholinesterase inhibitors continue to bring benefits even when someone's Alzheimer's is severe.

The above is from Alzheimer’s Society website. I thought the thinking now was to continue as long as benefits outweigh any side effects. I would contest any decision to stop meds.

 

[Bunpoots]

For someone who is taking a cholinesterase inhibitor, a decision will need to be made when their Alzheimer's disease becomes severe. There is now good evidence that cholinesterase inhibitors continue to bring benefits even when someone's Alzheimer's is severe.

The above is from Alzheimer’s Society website. I thought the thinking now was to continue as long as benefits outweigh any side effects. I would contest any decision to stop meds.

Thanks @Rolypoly. I knew I'd seen something about it somewhere. The CPN did say she covered all age groups and psych problems when I questioned her about if that still happens and she admitted her knowledge might not be up to date re dementia meds. But I will be quoting this if they try to take him off it.

 

[Bunpoots]

Dad has been wearing his new pull-ups and hasn't gone commando for a few days now. On the face of it this might sound like progress, but no!
Tea time yesterday I got to his house and he had been busy...
I moved a bottomless chair that he's got himself stuck in before into the corner of the room he never uses and hid the seat cushion behind it so he wouldn't sit on it. Bearing in mind that there is a more accessible chair which isn't broken - dad had moved the broken chair to the centre of the room, found the seat cushion, put it over the hole in the chair bottom and sat on it!!
So this was how I found him...bum on the floor unable to escape the clutches of the chair

To add the comedy of the situation (dad was laughing too!!) he had obviously realised he was wet and had put dry cotton pants over his wet pull-ups, put his wet trousers back on and then a dry pair on top (these were still round his ankles so the chair was obviously third time lucky!)

Sadly dad only realised the chair situation was "wrong" so it took me some time to persuade him to take his wet trousers off...and his wet slippers and socks...but he would not take the pull-ups of as he insisted his pants were dry (the top pair were - ish)

I spent last night not sleeping trying to work out how to deal with this new multi layering behaviour. Any suggestions would be most welcome

 

[canary]

Mum used to do this. I once found her having put 2 pairs of pants on, then her PJ bottoms back on, then more pants over this, then her day trousers and she was struggling to put yet another pair of pants on over the top

The only way around this is to be around when they get dressed and hand them their clothes in the order in which they go on, but removing all his cloth pants might help

 

[Bunpoots]

Thanks @canary . I'm in the process of removing all his cloth pants ASAP but he seems to have found some strays!! SS are coming to assess his care needs in 3 weeks so this will be going on the list of things he needs help with. Hopefully that will sort out the morning and evening dressing but the daytime change, which he needs now is more problematic..

I'm wondering if I can get away with a sneaky yank at the side of the pull-ups and "oh dear dad they've ripped. I'll get you a new pair..." Or wether to go with "The doctor says you need to wear these special pants to avoid pressure sores and you have to change them three times a day..." Because he doesn't wet himself...ever!!!!

Can't see him being thrilled with either

 

[Rolypoly]

Life seems to be one long problem replaced by another even greater problem which we have to try and resolve.

Two good things I can pick out from your chair finding is that (a) your dad was laughing and not distressed by being trapped, and, (b) he wasn’t commando.

Ripping sounds a good idea unless he turns round and says don’t bother getting another pair. If he’s like my mum he’ll just say the dr is talking rubbish and he doesn’t need to change because he hasn’t got any sores.

Thinking of you and good luck.

 

[Bunpoots]

Life seems to be one long problem replaced by another even greater problem which we have to try and resolve.

Two good things I can pick out from your chair finding is that (a) your dad was laughing and not distressed by being trapped, and, (b) he wasn’t commando.

Ripping sounds a good idea unless he turns round and says don’t bother getting another pair. If he’s like my mum he’ll just say the dr is talking rubbish and he doesn’t need to change because he hasn’t got any sores.

Thinking of you and good luck.

I do realise how lucky I am that dad generally sees the funny side of things. I've stolen his chair now. We were going to turn it upside down and use it as a chicken shelter until I noticed the metal tag on the back saying... Ercol... Our chickens are not having a better chair than me!!

Did you get your Bambi?

 

[Rolypoly]

I do realise how lucky I am that dad generally sees the funny side of things. I've stolen his chair now. We were going to turn it upside down and use it as a chicken shelter until I noticed the metal tag on the back saying... Ercol... Our chickens are not having a better chair than me!!



Did you get your Bambi?

Yes thanks. Just got back as we stopped off for tea and cake. Bambi sausages for tea tonight. More bambi bagged up in the freezer with pigeon breasts.

 

[Elle3]

Dad has been wearing his new pull-ups and hasn't gone commando for a few days now. On the face of it this might sound like progress, but no!
Tea time yesterday I got to his house and he had been busy...
I moved a bottomless chair that he's got himself stuck in before into the corner of the room he never uses and hid the seat cushion behind it so he wouldn't sit on it. Bearing in mind that there is a more accessible chair which isn't broken - dad had moved the broken chair to the centre of the room, found the seat cushion, put it over the hole in the chair bottom and sat on it!!
So this was how I found him...bum on the floor unable to escape the clutches of the chair

To add the comedy of the situation (dad was laughing too!!) he had obviously realised he was wet and had put dry cotton pants over his wet pull-ups, put his wet trousers back on and then a dry pair on top (these were still round his ankles so the chair was obviously third time lucky!)

Sadly dad only realised the chair situation was "wrong" so it took me some time to persuade him to take his wet trousers off...and his wet slippers and socks...but he would not take the pull-ups of as he insisted his pants were dry (the top pair were - ish)

I spent last night not sleeping trying to work out how to deal with this new multi layering behaviour. Any suggestions would be most welcome

It's good that sometimes they don't lose their sense of humour, I can still have laughs with my dad sometimes, usually at his own expense due to something silly he has done.

My dad has done similar with his clothes, he had his normal clothes on, then put his PJ's on over the top obviously to go to bed but then in the morning he got dressed over the top of everything else, he looked liked Michelin man and I couldn't get him to change as he kept telling me they were clean clothes. So I had to leave him like that for a couple of days, luckily it was Winter, until I let him drop his dinner down his front and I used that to change him. It was quite funny peeling all the layers off and we laughed about it together. He did this a few times but then it phased out. Like a lot of things with people with Dementia things seem to happen frequently and then it stops and we move on to something else.

I found that limiting the amount of clothes available to dad to change into helped, especially if you are visiting him on a daily basis.

 

[Bunpoots]

He was dressed normally today @Elle3 but unfortunately his sense of humour had deserted him. He'd wet himself and was changing when I arrived. I can tell by the fit of his trousers if he's gone commando - he was!!!
Apparently "the doctor's a blaady idiot!! He's given me women's pants. I'm not wearing those!!!" I told him they were the same special pants for men and women to stop pressure sores ( I've given up trying to convince him he's leaking ) now that he spends a lot of the day sitting down. But he was having none of it and he's going out tomorrow to buy some proper men's pants...

I have to agree the pull-ups do resemble those 1950s bikini pants with the pretty shirred effect . Eventually I persuaded him to wear them and said I'd have a word with the doctor. But dad is still going shopping tomorrow!!

I've ordered a stamp set and ink pad. Never thought I'd need one of those to deal with dementia I'm going to stamp "MENS" on the pull-ups

 

[canary]

I'm going to stamp "MENS" on the pull-ups

What a good idea - hope it works

 

[Rolypoly]

Isn’t it funny (not) how they suddenly get a bee in their bonnet, sorry, cap, about something they had previously sort of accepted.

Go to the top of the class for managing to get him to put a pair on. Add an A* for the stamp idea. By heck you’re devious.

 

[Bunpoots]

What a good idea - hope it works

So do I

 

[Bunpoots]

Isn’t it funny (not) how they suddenly get a bee in their bonnet, sorry, cap, about something they had previously sort of accepted.

Go to the top of the class for managing to get him to put a pair on. Add an A* for the stamp idea. By heck you’re devious.

I hope this particular bee leaves soon

My teachers always used to say I was particularly good at lateral thinking
I expect they really meant devious

 

[Rolypoly]