Any 30 somethings out there who are also carers?

[Woodsy07]

Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting on the forum but have browsed many threads the last few months as we prepared for my mammys diagnosis.

Mammy is 73 and recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. I'm 33 years old and along with my 4 brothers we are trying to split the caregiving responsibilities, as well as juggle careers and families..I feel very fortunate there are a large number of us willing to help due to how much we love our dear mammy but it has been immensely hard, both practically and emotionally over the last 12 months. I actually live over 200 miles away but me and my husband are relocating back to our hometown as a result of the diagnosis as I am struggling to cope with the physical distance from family and want to be able to enjoy time with mammy while I can. The flip side is I'm anxious about being too close but I plan to set boundaries upfront so my brothers don't assume I'm moving home to become a full time carer, which is not the case at all!

I am terrified about what is ahead but feel so reassured and inspired by reading these posts and knowing we are not alone. Thanks to everyone who is brave enough to share their stories and speak through the forum, it has helped me a lot when I've felt scared and alone.

The only piece of practical advice I have is to speak to your employer if you are comfortable doing so to let them know what is going on as it is life changing for all of us. People do not naturally assume that people in their 30s have responsibilities of this nature so it might help to tell them. I broke down in work in December and ended up telling my management as a result and for me it lifted a huge pressure. I no longer feel stressed if I need to ask for time off to help with caring duties (take mammy to appointments) and as an office worker I've been granted some additional flexibility to work from home a bit more when needed. It also helped when my manager told me that I don't need to put on my happy face if I'm not feeling up to it (if like to say my usual self is fairly bubbly).

I've also taken a sick day last month when I was having a particularly low day. I stressed all morning about it as i wasnt actually sick but I knew that my mental state wasn't well enough to work that day, even remotely. I spent the day on the sofa resting and watching Netflix, and for me it was exactly what I needed in that moment. I understand this isn't an option for everyone financially to take a day off from work but if it is and you need a day to yourself, don't feel guilty about it.

Anyway, thanks again for all the contributions to this forum. I've had a low morning today and shed quite a few tears but I'm now proud of myself for finally registering and posting. I hope to speak to you all soon through the threads and grateful to have this community available xxx

Hello,

Thank you for posting this. I feel like it has lots of similarities with my situation and like you say it is reassuring to know others are going through the same thing and that there are people you could reach out to on here for practical advice.

X

 

[londoner111]

Im so sorry your going through this i really sadly relate, 29 mum is 65 and after a lifetime of mental health problems I just dont feel I can cope with another thing I am trying to be so boundaried but also feel like a terrible person for not jumpint into carer mode. The reality is if i dont keep track of this nobody will its awful!

I'm also 32 (33 next month) dealing with a mother (75) with dementia. My grandpa and the man who was like a dad to me died of dementia. For my grandpa, other people took care of him so I didn't realize how bad things were. With the man who was like my dad, I was in denial (and was able to be because his son in his 50's or 60's took care of everything in regards to his dementia). Now my mom has it, but no avoiding it...as I am an only child with no other family members to help, and her friendships are few and strained due to having a personality/mental disorder before the dementia. One of her neighbors has befriended my mother and helps to care for her (bless him!), but I'm not sure how long it will last. She's become nicer since the dementia, but still has those moments of clarity where she is rude and mean.

I agree with everyone that it feels unfair dealing with this at our stage of life. Most of our peers won't have to deal with this in their lifetimes, and if they do, it will be toward the end of their careers, kids out of the house, near or following retirement etc.

My mom acknowledges there is something wrong with her memory, but refuses to acknowledge it is dementia. She always feared getting it. I live on the other side of the globe, but visited last month and installed a security camera in her living room/kitchen to monitor her. I've been trying to rule out other things that could mimic dementia symptoms, but the MRI is this week and aside from high cholesterol/glucose, she is apparently in good health.

She no longer can follow "complex" conversation (she loves the show Old Enough on Netflix..but thinks it is a story about ONE little girl...), her grammar has worsened, doesn't know the day, month, or year. I was there before, during, and after Christmas, but she continued to ask me (sometimes within minutes of the previous question) if Christmas was coming up, finished, etc. when we outside. Forgot her phone number, address, that she owned her home, and how to spell my name. Can't remember anything from the day prior...sometimes even an hour after doing something.

I'm trying to find a way to stop thinking/stressing about this whole ordeal. Honestly, I pray that she passes away sooner than later...

Her mental illness has caused me stress my entire life, and I genuinely wanting to detach myself from this situation. :|

Best of luck to all of you! I know it's

 

[ElliWel]

Hello!
Late responder.
I’ve just turned 29 and i now care for my mum who has very advanced dementia.
It’s very unusual to hear of people similar age also going through this, would be cool to connect!

 

[dominique96]

Really keen to connect and talk to someone who is also 30 (or around that age) and a carer for someone with dementia.

Thanks
X

not so much a carer however do help my Dad who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age of 68.. I am currently 27

 

[Liiz]

Just found this thread. Thank god others are out there. I am in the same position. I'm 37 mum has moderate alzheimer's, diagnosed only last year but has been showing signs for 4 years. Dad is almost immobile but cognitively well. I have two young children 7 and 4 and I am almost as the point of giving up with trying to help my parents, instead relying now heavily on carers.

My mum has on occasion shouted at me for asking her to shower as she can go a few days up to a week not showering or changing clothes. My children have witnessed this and now comment on how nanny is cross with mummy etc. She also is very accusatory and has lost most of her ability to maintain a conversation. It is also now having a negative impact on my children's behaviour too.

It is so hard but I kind of feel in order to save myself and my children's future I need to almost partially leave my mum behind with carers and focus on them and myself. I feel huge amounts of guilt, but I can't put my life and my children's life on hold whilst I help my mum with the ending of hers.

I was so so close to my mum, she was the life and soul of the party. She was confident, fun, compassionate, loving, I idolised her. Now I look at an imposter, someone I don't recognise and someone I often do not like although obviously I love her and always will. I know she would want me to focus on myself and my children, but the guilt is so much to bear.

 

[Violet Jane]

You are right to prioritise your children over your mum. They won't get those years back. Don't feel guilty. With dementia, things are often less than ideal because the PWD is obstructive. Sometimes, you just have to accept that that's how things are

It's quite reasonable to step back a bit. Your mum is safe because she has your dad. The carers are the ones who should be getting her to wash and change her clothes. I appreciate that their time is limited and that they can't force her to do anything. Perhaps a strip wash might be more acceptable to your mum if she dislikes the shower. An elderly friend always had strip washes because her legs were bandaged and she wasn't dexterous enough to shower or bathe without getting her legs wet. She never smelt. Speak to the carers about possible strategies to get your mother to wash.