Any 30 somethings out there who are also carers?

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
438
0
@Bethjade welcome to Talking Point.

Having read your post, I think you really need to step away from your caring roll and put your daughter first. Your granny is not going to improve and do you really want your child's teenage years to be spent in the situation? Please find yourself some alternative accommodation, put your foot down firmly with your family and get your life back.

Professional carers can take over and if need be, your granny can be placed in a care home. You simply can not continue like this or you will make yourself ill.
 

Munchkin22

Registered User
Sep 6, 2021
63
0
Really keen to connect and talk to someone who is also 30 (or around that age) and a carer for someone with dementia.

Thanks
X
Hi, Im 38 and caring for a friend who has Young onset Alzheimers. I've been his carer since 2015.

Im struggling to connect to others around my age who understand
 

Bethjade

New member
Jan 23, 2023
3
0
@Bethjade welcome to Talking Point.

Having read your post, I think you really need to step away from your caring roll and put your daughter first. Your granny is not going to improve and do you really want your child's teenage years to be spent in the situation? Please find yourself some alternative accommodation, put your foot down firmly with your family and get your life back.

Professional carers can take over and if need be, your granny can be placed in a care home. You simply can not continue like this or you will make yourself ill.
Thankyou for your reply. Yes that's a good point. I'd been thinking about how we want to spend the rest of my daughters childhood since gran came back in May and this isn't how I want it to be. I miss how we used to live and feel very guilty for agreeing to this. Gran has been adamant she doesn't want to go into a care home, I thought this would ultimately work out for us all but I under estimated how disruptive dementia would be. We never had any advice from doctors and had to wait until 6 months after she came home for an actual diagnosis because she 'got lost in the system'.
She's caused alot of problems in the care homes she has been in, once for respite and once while we waited for carers allocated to her (twice a day while I work) and both times she was a nightmare. She escaped out of the first one at 2am during a cold snap last January. I don't want gran to suffer and feel abandoned but my daughters happiness and wellbeing is my priority and I can't be what they both need me to be at the same time. Looks like I have some difficult conversations to have.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
1,960
0
@Bethjade, what are the other family members doing?

Your daughter is the priority here. She is young and won’t get her childhood years back. Most people with dementia are resistant to paid carers, respite care, care homes etc because they want to be looked after at home by their primary carer but there comes a time when that’s no longer possible for very good reasons.

There’s no shame in saying that you’ve looked after your Gran but can’t do it any more and that she will have to be looked after by someone else or somewhere else.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,205
0
Kent
Welcome to Talking Point to new members @Bethjade @loveDurian and @Abih1509

It might help you all to start your own Threads to help you get the support you need.

@Abih1509 The best place for you would be


@loveDurian and @Bethjade the best place for you would be


This will help you find all your replies under one title and make it easier for you.
 

Bethjade

New member
Jan 23, 2023
3
0
@Bethjade, what are the other family members doing?

Your daughter is the priority here. She is young and won’t get her childhood years back. Most people with dementia are resistant to paid carers, respite care, care homes etc because they want to be looked after at home by their primary carer but there comes a time when that’s no longer possible for very good reasons.

There’s no shame in saying that you’ve looked after your Gran but can’t do it any more and that she will have to be looked after by someone else or somewhere else.
Help from family has been underwhelming in all honesty. My dad had initially promised he would be here most days but that never happened. He takes her for lunch for maybe 2 hours on a Sunday and I work every other weekend. So that's 4 hours I get a month that I spend cleaning areas I can't access when she's in the house.My sister visits once a month with my nephew but she can't deal with how she is despite none of the abrasive behaviour being aimed at her. She hasn't seen it in person at all and lives a 20 minute drive away. My step mum ended up being the target of most of her nasty comments and delusions but she still does alot when my gran stays with them on the occasional weekend. My dad has realised I'm getting overwhelmed and has recently started taking her for weekends more frequently but these come with their own challenges as she fills bag after bag with anything she can get her hands on to take with her.
I honestly expected a bit more help but because everyone can step back and have a breather from her dementia, they don't understand how she is to live with.
I didn't expect to be so isolated but that seems to be a somewhat common feeling from what I've gathered from this thread.
 

Caidxo

New member
Feb 12, 2023
1
0
Hi everyone!

I was feeling a bit lost and lonely when I stumbled on to this forum, I’m sure many of us have sadly been in the same position…but as horrid as it sounds I’m just so glad that there are other people going through this that I can relate to and vent to.

Me (32f) and my siblings have been going through the very slow process of getting my mom (55) diagnosed (only recently have doctors resigned themselves to the fact that this is likely early onset dementia) despite us feeling like this was a strong possibility from the start. It’s really felt like a juggling act to be listened to by any medical professionals or taken seriously at all.

I used to live with my mom and brother (29) and left to move in with my partner, mom was unwell at the time but her decline has been quite sharp since so needs eyes on her pretty much all the time. I reduced my hours at work to take a couple of days of care. My brother is still living with her and isn’t working so he picks up the majority of the care. We have an older sister but she has young children and doesn’t drive / live in the immediate area.

I know it’s hard on my brother, he’s so stressed and angry all the time and he lashes out at the rest of us. It’s probably important to note that out of my siblings I’m the most responsible and easygoing so I’ve always had a very easy relationship with mom. My brother is the baby and has always been spoilt by my mom so this has been particularly hard for him.

I love her so much and I don’t want to see her in a care home but I also feel so anxious and hopeless at the thought of having to move back in (with my partner in tow) to offer the kind of care she needs. Some days I’m grateful just to see her happy face because I know that she’s only going to get more poorly with time…but then I feel so much guilt that I don’t want to spend my 30s caring for someone else; I want kids and to get married but caring for my mom is like a full time job.

She doesn’t like to leave the house anymore, she doesn’t have any hobbies to enjoy…I just feel like I’m not doing enough and I don’t know enough. Finding where to get help and support is a mess. This is all a big ramble really…it’s just so so hard.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,303
0
Newcastle
Hi @Caidxo and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. It seems that it is especially hard dealing with your mum's early onset dementia when you are only in your 30s. You do have to make a life for yourself with your partner so moving in to look after her may not be the best solution to her care needs. They will only grow and - if you let them - will take over your life completely. My experience of moving my wife into a care home has been largely positive but she was already in her late 70s. I don't know what would be best for someone as young as 55. There may be others amongst our friendly and supportive community who have more direct experience and can give you rather more help.
 

Woodsy07

Registered User
Jul 29, 2022
33
0
Hello, my names Abi and I’m 32. My mum is 60 and is still waiting to be diagnosed but myself and her GP think it could be Posterior cortical atrophy.

My heart is breaking and like everyone above, I feel so robbed of my mum and the relationship I’ve always dreamed of having with her as being the grandma to my future kids. Im so jealous of my friends healthy parents. Have any of you had any counselling or therapy to help deal with the stress? I’ve been given a link by my GP to apply for counselling but I’m worried about how long the wait will be so want to look into paying for it myself.

Sending love to you all xx
Hello,

Sorry to be slow in replying to your message. This is the first time I have logged in, in a while. My sister, who lives at home with my mum and predominantly cares for her was offered counselling form the GP. She is entitled to 12 free, weekly sessions. Sadly they cant offer more than this after the 12 weeks because of the waiting list. She has had her first two sessions and is finding it really helpful just to talk to someone outside of friends and family that is impartial.

Might be worth thinking about! x
 

Cardiff99

New member
Apr 5, 2023
2
0
Really keen to connect and talk to someone who is also 30 (or around that age) and a carer for someone with dementia.

Thanks
X
Hi Woodsy07,

Thanks for starting this thread, this is exactly what I came to this forum for. I'm 35 and my mum is 67. She was diagnosed 2 years ago and has deteriorated very quickly. She lives an hour away and her husband is her main carer. He is in his seventies and does the basics but me and my sister are secondary carers and go down alternate weekends to get her out of the house, give her a bit more stimulation and spend as much time with her as we can. She has lost her eyesight, can no longer feed herself, struggles to walk unaided and needs help with everything, even holding a cup.

I can relate with so many of the comments here about feeling robbed of time. I was so angry for the first year and very resentful of my friends who didn't have to deal with any of this. They are supportive but none of them really understand. I still get infuriated by the "my grandparent had dementia" comments.

Mum has vascular dementia and alzheimers so she will suddenly deteriorate, almost overnight. This has made the grief that much harder to deal with. You think you're just about getting used to the new normal and she'll suddenly get worse. We never know what to expect and each drop feels so heartbreaking.

I attended the alzheimers carers course but didn't make it past the first session. There was no one there my age going through the same thing and it actually made me feel worse (and quite angry). If any of this feels relatable and you'd like to chat, please get in touch.

Also I saw you'd mentioned on one of your posts about carers in the daytime. Mum has someone from crossroads sit with her for 3 hours 2 days a week as part of her care package. Not sure if you've heard of them or they're available in your area but in Wales this is a free service that gives respite to carers.
 

Woodsy07

Registered User
Jul 29, 2022
33
0
Hi Woodsy07,

Thanks for starting this thread, this is exactly what I came to this forum for. I'm 35 and my mum is 67. She was diagnosed 2 years ago and has deteriorated very quickly. She lives an hour away and her husband is her main carer. He is in his seventies and does the basics but me and my sister are secondary carers and go down alternate weekends to get her out of the house, give her a bit more stimulation and spend as much time with her as we can. She has lost her eyesight, can no longer feed herself, struggles to walk unaided and needs help with everything, even holding a cup.

I can relate with so many of the comments here about feeling robbed of time. I was so angry for the first year and very resentful of my friends who didn't have to deal with any of this. They are supportive but none of them really understand. I still get infuriated by the "my grandparent had dementia" comments.

Mum has vascular dementia and alzheimers so she will suddenly deteriorate, almost overnight. This has made the grief that much harder to deal with. You think you're just about getting used to the new normal and she'll suddenly get worse. We never know what to expect and each drop feels so heartbreaking.

I attended the alzheimers carers course but didn't make it past the first session. There was no one there my age going through the same thing and it actually made me feel worse (and quite angry). If any of this feels relatable and you'd like to chat, please get in touch.

Also I saw you'd mentioned on one of your posts about carers in the daytime. Mum has someone from crossroads sit with her for 3 hours 2 days a week as part of her care package. Not sure if you've heard of them or they're available in your area but in Wales this is a free service that gives respite to carers.
Hello,
Thank you ever so much for your message. I havent actually logged on in a while and so I have missed lots of messages and I keep returning to the thought that it is really frustrating that ther is very little support for people our age. So I am pleased that finding this thread has given some small comfort. I don't blame you for not making it past the first session of the carers course - being surrounded by people you can't relate to would do that for me too.

I am really sorry to hear about your Mum. Alzheimers itself is really difficult and dehabilitating, let alone a loss of eyesight too. That sounds really tricky.

That is really helpul to know about crossroads. My sister goes to them once a week for counselling / therapy and so it might be something to look into with a company we already have some familiarity with. Its certainly getting to the point where just a carer in the morning to help my mum get ready isnt enough.


Thank you again and always happy to talk, too!
 

Woodsy07

Registered User
Jul 29, 2022
33
0
First time posting on here, don't know if I'm doing it correctly.
I'm 34 and just under 18 months ago I was asked to move into my paternal grandmother's house after she had two strokes and developed vascular dementia. She has been diagnosed as mild but she can pull herself together remarkably well for doctors. Im certain she's in the middle stages going by her delusions, relentless sundowning and aggression. I rarely see anything that resembles my gran as she was but there are glimpses when she has visitors other than my dad and stepmum. She takes digs at me repeatedly and doesn't stop until she gets a reaction, and then I have to listen to her sad old lady voice tell me she can't understand why we can't get along.
She has stolen from me, broken my belongings and hides other belongings. I have a 12 year old daughter who can't stand to be near her and hides away in her bedroom. The sundowning and delusions are the primary problems, her memory isn't too terrible. I'm sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. Ive been told my 30s will be the happiest years of my life but I'm so miserable and resentful. I feel an immense amount of guilt for not enjoying this time with gran but I feel like I've been grieving her since the first stroke. This isn't my gran, I'm dealing with an illness that stole her away. I hate what it's done to her. Even when she's nice it's only ever because she wants something. I found out today what she really thinks of me. We have had cameras installed in the house. Not one thing she had said was true. She made me out to be a disgusting human who no one likes or can get along with. I shouldn't have raised the issue with her because now she's raging about 'town Hall' causing problems with us.
I feel very alone so it's comforting to know there are people at the same stage of life dealing with similar situations and feelings.
Hello,

I hope you are okay. That sounds like a very intense situation to be in. It is extremely tough, like you say, to see a loved one be taken away from you and not appear to be the person that you once knew them to be. I know it is so hard in the situation when nasty things are being said to or about you but just keep reminding yourself that isn't what she truly thinks or feels. Unfortunately it is just the horrible disease talking and it is most likely out of fear or confusion. I know it is so easy for someone to say it from the outside looking in but just in you being there you are already doing what so many people wouldnt be able to do and it is truly remarkable. Deep down I am sure she is forever grateful that you are there for her.

Equally make sure to have some time for yourself. That is is what me and my family are learning more so than ever. Any time you can get to just be you and any form of break / respite you can arrange - do it!

Here if you want to chat more.

x
 

Woodsy07

Registered User
Jul 29, 2022
33
0
I'm also 32 (33 next month) dealing with a mother (75) with dementia. My grandpa and the man who was like a dad to me died of dementia. For my grandpa, other people took care of him so I didn't realize how bad things were. With the man who was like my dad, I was in denial (and was able to be because his son in his 50's or 60's took care of everything in regards to his dementia). Now my mom has it, but no avoiding it...as I am an only child with no other family members to help, and her friendships are few and strained due to having a personality/mental disorder before the dementia. One of her neighbors has befriended my mother and helps to care for her (bless him!), but I'm not sure how long it will last. She's become nicer since the dementia, but still has those moments of clarity where she is rude and mean.

I agree with everyone that it feels unfair dealing with this at our stage of life. Most of our peers won't have to deal with this in their lifetimes, and if they do, it will be toward the end of their careers, kids out of the house, near or following retirement etc.

My mom acknowledges there is something wrong with her memory, but refuses to acknowledge it is dementia. She always feared getting it. :( I live on the other side of the globe, but visited last month and installed a security camera in her living room/kitchen to monitor her. I've been trying to rule out other things that could mimic dementia symptoms, but the MRI is this week and aside from high cholesterol/glucose, she is apparently in good health.

She no longer can follow "complex" conversation (she loves the show Old Enough on Netflix..but thinks it is a story about ONE little girl...), her grammar has worsened, doesn't know the day, month, or year. I was there before, during, and after Christmas, but she continued to ask me (sometimes within minutes of the previous question) if Christmas was coming up, finished, etc. when we outside. Forgot her phone number, address, that she owned her home, and how to spell my name. Can't remember anything from the day prior...sometimes even an hour after doing something.

I'm trying to find a way to stop thinking/stressing about this whole ordeal. Honestly, I pray that she passes away sooner than later...

Her mental illness has caused me stress my entire life, and I genuinely wanting to detach myself from this situation. :|

Best of luck to all of you! I know it's awful...
Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this for a second time and in addition to previously having a struggle with her mental illness. My family and I are in a similar situation as my Mum's, Mum (my Nana) had dementia. Similarly to you, her husband was the primary carer for her and so we didn't really see the full extent of things. We were alot younger and so we knew that she was unwell but we didn't completely understand what was happening. However we were aware of her deteriorating and so there is that vague realisation of where we are heading with our Mum. I imagine you must be in a similar position.

I am glad to hear that all things considered that she is in relatively good health otherwise. That is always a good thing and certainly helps!

Sending lots of love x
 

Woodsy07

Registered User
Jul 29, 2022
33
0
Hi everyone!

I was feeling a bit lost and lonely when I stumbled on to this forum, I’m sure many of us have sadly been in the same position…but as horrid as it sounds I’m just so glad that there are other people going through this that I can relate to and vent to.

Me (32f) and my siblings have been going through the very slow process of getting my mom (55) diagnosed (only recently have doctors resigned themselves to the fact that this is likely early onset dementia) despite us feeling like this was a strong possibility from the start. It’s really felt like a juggling act to be listened to by any medical professionals or taken seriously at all.

I used to live with my mom and brother (29) and left to move in with my partner, mom was unwell at the time but her decline has been quite sharp since so needs eyes on her pretty much all the time. I reduced my hours at work to take a couple of days of care. My brother is still living with her and isn’t working so he picks up the majority of the care. We have an older sister but she has young children and doesn’t drive / live in the immediate area.

I know it’s hard on my brother, he’s so stressed and angry all the time and he lashes out at the rest of us. It’s probably important to note that out of my siblings I’m the most responsible and easygoing so I’ve always had a very easy relationship with mom. My brother is the baby and has always been spoilt by my mom so this has been particularly hard for him.

I love her so much and I don’t want to see her in a care home but I also feel so anxious and hopeless at the thought of having to move back in (with my partner in tow) to offer the kind of care she needs. Some days I’m grateful just to see her happy face because I know that she’s only going to get more poorly with time…but then I feel so much guilt that I don’t want to spend my 30s caring for someone else; I want kids and to get married but caring for my mom is like a full time job.

She doesn’t like to leave the house anymore, she doesn’t have any hobbies to enjoy…I just feel like I’m not doing enough and I don’t know enough. Finding where to get help and support is a mess. This is all a big ramble really…it’s just so so hard.
Hello,

In reading your post, I see a huge amount of similarities between what you are saying and my own situation.

My Mum is also the person in our family with dementia. Luckily my two sister and brother still live at home. They are 30 something too and so two of them go out to work every day and the third works from home and tends to take the brunt of doing the care whilst trying to juggle a job. She is mainly the reason that I started this thread as I wanted to get to the bottom of how people are managing to hold down careers, whilst also care for loved ones as officially becoming a carer doesn't pay nearly enough in order to support people our age trying to save money, buy houses, build lives etc. I don't live at home but try to help in whatever way I can, going home at least two weekends a month to give them all a bit of break and a chance to go and do things for themselves. Plus additional days booked off work to take my mum to singing groups, dementia groups etc.

We havent quite got the right solution as of yet however something we have done, which you might find helpful to look into to is to have a carer come in to help with routine things such as washing / getting dressed each morning. It helps to ease the tension in the morning when everyone else is also rushing to get ready for work etc. We initially did this through adult social services that sent NHS nurses but more recently we have gone privately as they couldn't guarantee the same time every day, which we found crucial for our mum.

We are getting to the point where we are needing more help than that to try and get my sister out of the house and back to working in an office again and so we are beginning to look into respite care. Still very early stages of exploring this but my understanding is a carer could come and spend a day with mum or alternatively my mum could go into a home for the day or even a week, should you go on holiday for a break etc.

I hear you on the hobbies front too. My mum is the same and doesnt really have particular interests. However I have found that getting her out of the house and literally doing anything, even following me around doing a foodshop, does wonders. I think getting up and moving about obviously helps but equally shes not sat thinking and worrying about whatever is going on in her brain. It is a small distraction for a while. So try not to put too much pressure on yourself for it to be some big fun day out - I think anything is a plus.

Here to chat further and help in any other way I can. Happy to try and navigate it together!
 

Cardiff99

New member
Apr 5, 2023
2
0
Hi everyone!

I was feeling a bit lost and lonely when I stumbled on to this forum, I’m sure many of us have sadly been in the same position…but as horrid as it sounds I’m just so glad that there are other people going through this that I can relate to and vent to.

Me (32f) and my siblings have been going through the very slow process of getting my mom (55) diagnosed (only recently have doctors resigned themselves to the fact that this is likely early onset dementia) despite us feeling like this was a strong possibility from the start. It’s really felt like a juggling act to be listened to by any medical professionals or taken seriously at all.

I used to live with my mom and brother (29) and left to move in with my partner, mom was unwell at the time but her decline has been quite sharp since so needs eyes on her pretty much all the time. I reduced my hours at work to take a couple of days of care. My brother is still living with her and isn’t working so he picks up the majority of the care. We have an older sister but she has young children and doesn’t drive / live in the immediate area.

I know it’s hard on my brother, he’s so stressed and angry all the time and he lashes out at the rest of us. It’s probably important to note that out of my siblings I’m the most responsible and easygoing so I’ve always had a very easy relationship with mom. My brother is the baby and has always been spoilt by my mom so this has been particularly hard for him.

I love her so much and I don’t want to see her in a care home but I also feel so anxious and hopeless at the thought of having to move back in (with my partner in tow) to offer the kind of care she needs. Some days I’m grateful just to see her happy face because I know that she’s only going to get more poorly with time…but then I feel so much guilt that I don’t want to spend my 30s caring for someone else; I want kids and to get married but caring for my mom is like a full time job.

She doesn’t like to leave the house anymore, she doesn’t have any hobbies to enjoy…I just feel like I’m not doing enough and I don’t know enough. Finding where to get help and support is a mess. This is all a big ramble really…it’s just so so hard.
Hi Caidxo,

A lot of this sounds familiar to me too. My mum was totally against going to the memory clinic and was convinced that me and my siblings were just trying to prove that she was 'mad'. We tried all sorts of approaches but she just wouldn't go. I'm so upset looking back that we missed out on those years of treatment and preparation she could have had, but we did our best. When we did eventually manage to get her to the memory clinic, they misdiagnosed her and said it was depression. We had to wait another 2 years before we could persuade her to go again. I don't really understand why doctors are so hesitant to diagnose early onset.

It sounds like we are a bit further down the road in terms of symptoms so I thought it might be helpful to pass on some of the things that have worked for us? Let me know and I'll post a list of steps we took and things I do with mum to keep her stimulated. You are so right about struggling to find where to get support. Mum has such unique needs, all the suggested activities I find for people with dementia need eyesight and/or speech, both of which mum struggles with. Which makes me so angry, upset and frustrated for her.

I recently had a conversation with my mum about how upset I am to see her like this, and she told me to get on with living my life. I am in the same headspace as you, I don't want to see her in a care home but I don't want to give up my life either. This conversation helped to calm some of those thoughts. But I can completely relate, it really is just so so hard :(
 

Xhanlbxx

Registered User
Aug 31, 2019
182
0
Hi Caidxo,

A lot of this sounds familiar to me too. My mum was totally against going to the memory clinic and was convinced that me and my siblings were just trying to prove that she was 'mad'. We tried all sorts of approaches but she just wouldn't go. I'm so upset looking back that we missed out on those years of treatment and preparation she could have had, but we did our best. When we did eventually manage to get her to the memory clinic, they misdiagnosed her and said it was depression. We had to wait another 2 years before we could persuade her to go again. I don't really understand why doctors are so hesitant to diagnose early onset.

It sounds like we are a bit further down the road in terms of symptoms so I thought it might be helpful to pass on some of the things that have worked for us? Let me know and I'll post a list of steps we took and things I do with mum to keep her stimulated. You are so right about struggling to find where to get support. Mum has such unique needs, all the suggested activities I find for people with dementia need eyesight and/or speech, both of which mum struggles with. Which makes me so angry, upset and frustrated for her.

I recently had a conversation with my mum about how upset I am to see her like this, and she told me to get on with living my life. I am in the same headspace as you, I don't want to see her in a care home but I don't want to give up my life either. This conversation helped to calm some of those thoughts. But I can completely relate, it really is just so so hard :(
I really feel for everyone that is going through this - I was 29 when my dad was diagnosed at age 57 , unfortunately he passed away last month at age 61 .

Just remember this illness does not define the person you can do everything you can to help them be happy support them etc .

Every person who has experienced this can tell you a completely different story to be honest because when dad was diagnosed I was fixated on what is going to happen next but no path is very similar until end of life ( which again people have different circumstances ).

I was fixated on my dad forgetting me and he never did , he lost all his cognitive skills but his face didn’t stop smiling when he saw me .

The whole journey is a rollercoaster which we ride , adapt and then continue to ride - there may be a time when they need further care but whether or not it is in their home or a care home I’m sure you are all doing your best x
 

Rachael03

Registered User
Apr 17, 2023
96
0
Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting on the forum but have browsed many threads the last few months as we prepared for my mammys diagnosis.

Mammy is 73 and recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. I'm 33 years old and along with my 4 brothers we are trying to split the caregiving responsibilities, as well as juggle careers and families..I feel very fortunate there are a large number of us willing to help due to how much we love our dear mammy but it has been immensely hard, both practically and emotionally over the last 12 months. I actually live over 200 miles away but me and my husband are relocating back to our hometown as a result of the diagnosis as I am struggling to cope with the physical distance from family and want to be able to enjoy time with mammy while I can. The flip side is I'm anxious about being too close but I plan to set boundaries upfront so my brothers don't assume I'm moving home to become a full time carer, which is not the case at all!

I am terrified about what is ahead but feel so reassured and inspired by reading these posts and knowing we are not alone. Thanks to everyone who is brave enough to share their stories and speak through the forum, it has helped me a lot when I've felt scared and alone.

The only piece of practical advice I have is to speak to your employer if you are comfortable doing so to let them know what is going on as it is life changing for all of us. People do not naturally assume that people in their 30s have responsibilities of this nature so it might help to tell them. I broke down in work in December and ended up telling my management as a result and for me it lifted a huge pressure. I no longer feel stressed if I need to ask for time off to help with caring duties (take mammy to appointments) and as an office worker I've been granted some additional flexibility to work from home a bit more when needed. It also helped when my manager told me that I don't need to put on my happy face if I'm not feeling up to it (if like to say my usual self is fairly bubbly).

I've also taken a sick day last month when I was having a particularly low day. I stressed all morning about it as i wasnt actually sick but I knew that my mental state wasn't well enough to work that day, even remotely. I spent the day on the sofa resting and watching Netflix, and for me it was exactly what I needed in that moment. I understand this isn't an option for everyone financially to take a day off from work but if it is and you need a day to yourself, don't feel guilty about it.

Anyway, thanks again for all the contributions to this forum. I've had a low morning today and shed quite a few tears but I'm now proud of myself for finally registering and posting. I hope to speak to you all soon through the threads and grateful to have this community available xxx
 

lfox

Registered User
Oct 2, 2009
15
0
Manchester
I’m 45 years and I care for my brother who is 47 years and has familial dementia. So sonetines it does feel like my life has been put on pause whilst I do everything I can to ensure my brother has a fun and busy week whilst he still is mobile
 

Xhanlbxx

Registered User
Aug 31, 2019
182
0
I’m 45 years and I care for my brother who is 47 years and has familial dementia. So sonetines it does feel like my life has been put on pause whilst I do everything I can to ensure my brother has a fun and busy week whilst he still is mobile
It sounds like you are a really good sibling and I’m sure he appreciates everything you do ! It is hard but we sacrifice a lot for people we love x
 

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