Any 30 somethings out there who are also carers?
- Thread starter Woodsy07
- Start date
My mum has been diagnosed with mild dementia and I’m in my 30’s and have two small children. I live a 45 minute drive from her too and while she is still at home, I am shocked by the changes in a short space of time and am worried for the challenges ahead. How are you coping with everything? Do you have lots of support? I feel overwhelmed by this being so young and never expected to be having to deal with this while trying to enjoy my family. It’s hard and I know it’s only going to get harder. Sending you love though.
Hiya ,
I am 32 and my father is now in later stages of Alzheimer’s, I’m here if you would like to chat
Hello,
Thank you for your reply. It is so difficult isn't it? I have certainly felt like the majority of people caring for someone with dementia appear to be older. There seems to be very little in place for people of our age, still trying to work and navigate caring for someone at the same time. The amount to be paid to be a carer full time just isn't enough for people our age still trying to build a future for ourselves (buy a home, start a family etc).
That is why I started this particular thread on the forum as I knew there must be other people going through a similar thing - just hadn't come across anyone as of yet.
Hello,
Thank you, that is really kind. How have you found it? Can I ask whether you still live at home and do you care for your father? Can I also ask if you are still managing to work at the same time? How do you juggle it all, if so?
Thanks for replying
Hiya ,
So earlier stages we all were working and carers came in for dad but then he started falling last year between care visits .
We then realised someone needed to be here to prevent that and kept carers so I worked from home .
In January dad had his first seizure and after hospital admission we definitely knew we needed more care while we all worked so we are at the stage now where someone needs to be with him in the day while we all work and have just got that agreed after months of fighting the system .
I don’t live with my parents but I have been here a lot the past 6 months .
It has been a fight from all angles aswell as seeing it progress as it breaks my heart as he is only 60.
I have also been off a couple of times after he has had a seizure because the care packages don’t work anymore and just because the grief and how I was feeling .
It really is not easy but I think it effects the family the most , especially when usually only one sibling does more to help x
Hello,
Thank you for such an honest reply. How did you find it juggling working from home and caring for your dad? The trouble we are finding with my mum (who is also in her 60s) is that even if you are in the same room as her, she is really agitated and restless. I think just really bored and not socially stimulated. Did you find this too?
You mentioned about your dad needing care whilst you all worked and so you have got someone to be with him during the day. Do you mind if I ask you more about this? Only because we are feeling something like that would be very beneficial to us but it just doesn't seem to exist - or at least from the research we have done so far.
Thanks x
Hiya ,
So obviously as things progress it did get harder working from home and obviously making sure dad had everything because he would be the same and get bored .
Since it has progressed more he will sit for longer but we like to stimulate him and the lifting is to hard now for one person to do safely .
He did initially still have carers coming in throughout the day so we could work also but it was just us filling the time in between so he was with someone and safe.
Now it has got to the point where obviously I have to go into work office so we are looking for a in home carer in the day .
If your mother is still mobile etc it might be worth having care visits but it depends on how she is by herself because dad started to fall and then could not eat lunch without prompt .
Also if your mom is still mobile / or someone can go with she might like local groups , dad at the early stages used to go to singing for the brain and he really enjoyed it but obviously when covid happened the groups stopped and now they are back it’s progressed a lot more for him.
When I am there with my mom we try to have a routine but give my dad variety so he isn’t sat in the same place all the time , at lunchtime we like to have a sing and after half an hour and he’s had his dinner he is ready to have a chill .
It is really hard and everyone has different journeys when it comes to how the person diagnosed reacts etc - like my Nan who was diagnosed in her 80s has gone back in time 30 years but dad never really did that it has affected him a lot more cognitively and he is aware who he loves at the moment .
If you ever want to post to me on here I don’t mind because I wish I could say it is a easy journey but it can be challenging for us as family but all I can say is cease the moment and enjoy your mother xx
Thank you, that is really helpful. I see a lot of comparisons in what you have said. We are currently exploring singing groups and carers to come in and help with getting showered and dressed etc. So it sounds as though we are perhaps starting to get the right things in place that will significantly help.
Likewise, always here if you want to chat.
Thanks again!
Hi,
Firstly I’m sorry to anyone else in their thirties (or all ages!) having to deal with a loved one with this truly awful disease.
Unfortunately both my parents have it, my father was diagnosed around 5 years ago and deteriorated rapidly and is now in a care home.
My mum was diagnosed last year and lives by herself. She has been the most difficult as some days she appears normal and other days it’s like a different person. Unfortunately our relationship has gone down hill despite the fact my brother and I help her 3-4 times a week as best we can with little support from anyone else.
It is immensely difficult and my heart goes out to anyone in a similar situation. I feel like dealing with this young is also another blow as you see your friends or people of a similar age who have perfectly healthy parents. I find this difficult to deal with and often feel jealous and resentful of my situation.
My best advice is to do what you can but remember you can’t pour from an empty cup. As much as you want to help them you also need to look after yourself. Easier said than done but it really is true.
Please continue posting on here.
Firstly I’m sorry to anyone else in their thirties (or all ages!) having to deal with a loved one with this truly awful disease.
Unfortunately both my parents have it, my father was diagnosed around 5 years ago and deteriorated rapidly and is now in a care home.
My mum was diagnosed last year and lives by herself. She has been the most difficult as some days she appears normal and other days it’s like a different person. Unfortunately our relationship has gone down hill despite the fact my brother and I help her 3-4 times a week as best we can with little support from anyone else.
It is immensely difficult and my heart goes out to anyone in a similar situation. I feel like dealing with this young is also another blow as you see your friends or people of a similar age who have perfectly healthy parents. I find this difficult to deal with and often feel jealous and resentful of my situation.
My best advice is to do what you can but remember you can’t pour from an empty cup. As much as you want to help them you also need to look after yourself. Easier said than done but it really is true.
Please continue posting on here.
I feel exactly the same , I am at the stage where I see couples out walking with their kids and grandkids and I feel robbed.
Also see people put photos up of parents and get so jealous .
It is not fair because we do feel robbed and I really feel for you having to go through that with both parents xx
I completely get that, I feel the exact same so your not alone. It can hit you suddenly when you see people enjoying time with their parents when that’s not what you have.
I’m very unlucky I guess and I don’t talk to my friends about it as they wouldn’t understand or they say the classic ‘my grandma had it’ which I get but equally it’s not the same when your only 30 and your dealing with a parent with it.
I hope your doing ok, this thread has already helped me feel less alone. As much as you don’t want other people experiencing the same feelings it does help.
Sending lots of love and support to anyone struggling x
I completely understand because I have had the same conversations in regards to grandparents etc , I think it’s a hard one because bonds are different between families as some family dynamics grandparents are like parents but in others they are grandparents so it does feel like it’s different .
I really hope you are okay and doing well keep strong x
I'm glad I found this thread! This is my first point on TP and till now felt like I was the only one dealing with being relatively young (I'm 34) dealing with a parent with Alzheimer's. My kids are very small, three and 10 months and I feel stuck in a care sandwich. My mum is 75 has Alzheimer's, diagnosed earlier this year and disproportionately affecting her speech and cognition. The illness has made her very self-involved, even more argumentative and totally unable to be empathetic. She sways between knowing that she has it, and saying all doctors are idiots because she's fine. She can still go to the local shops, but can't really cool meals or be alone without panicking. She tidies compulsively and is very dogged in her arguments with you (about things it is very hard to understand). But is so needy and dependent in her anger. A killer combination.
We've recently moved house to be closer to my mum and dad (who has his own health problems but physical only) and my brother. And we're currently living at the their house with the kids while we make ours liveable and it is awful, I am so desperate to get out. She used to be so good with children and with my son she is now so bad tempered and just cannot engage with him, despite his best efforts. It's created a toxic relationship where she just gets angry with him for doing anything, and he openly says he doesn't like her and tries to hit her etc. It's just so devastating and difficult to live with. I just dread spending any time with her and feel so sad and (guiltily) wonder whether it might get so bad that she becomes more manageable and placid.
We've recently moved house to be closer to my mum and dad (who has his own health problems but physical only) and my brother. And we're currently living at the their house with the kids while we make ours liveable and it is awful, I am so desperate to get out. She used to be so good with children and with my son she is now so bad tempered and just cannot engage with him, despite his best efforts. It's created a toxic relationship where she just gets angry with him for doing anything, and he openly says he doesn't like her and tries to hit her etc. It's just so devastating and difficult to live with. I just dread spending any time with her and feel so sad and (guiltily) wonder whether it might get so bad that she becomes more manageable and placid.
@llmcgough welcome to Talking Point and so sorry you're in this situation.
I'm going to suggest that you post a thread of your own as I feel that you need a considerable amount of support from other members. You should be able to use C&P.
I'm going to suggest that you post a thread of your own as I feel that you need a considerable amount of support from other members. You should be able to use C&P.
I’m so sorry for you dealing with this whilst having two young children - that must be really tough.
The changes in personality are really the hardest especially when it results in more hostile personality traits. It’s so hard to balance the knowing they are unwell with personally feeling they are just being mean. It really is hard and I completely get how you feel.
It sounds like your doing the best you can to support and help. Remember to put yourself first and have clear boundaries when you can, I learnt to do that the hard way but honestly you can’t pour from an empty cup so look after yourself.
From my experience as much as it’s heartbreaking in a way it becomes easier when they progress and require more care as you will then put that support in place and it can take a load off of you. Please don’t feel guilty about how you feel though.
This network of people know exactly how you feel and will be ready to support. Keep posting x
Hi not sure if I can help but my husband is 49 with early onset Dementia, sounds very similar to your mum, we have 2 children age 6 and 11. I can relate to the feelings and difficulties you experience. It’s incredibly hard, especially for children. Just wanted to say hi and if I can help at re children living in the house and experiencing dementia too just say.
Hello, my names Abi and I’m 32. My mum is 60 and is still waiting to be diagnosed but myself and her GP think it could be Posterior cortical atrophy.
My heart is breaking and like everyone above, I feel so robbed of my mum and the relationship I’ve always dreamed of having with her as being the grandma to my future kids. Im so jealous of my friends healthy parents. Have any of you had any counselling or therapy to help deal with the stress? I’ve been given a link by my GP to apply for counselling but I’m worried about how long the wait will be so want to look into paying for it myself.
Sending love to you all xx
My heart is breaking and like everyone above, I feel so robbed of my mum and the relationship I’ve always dreamed of having with her as being the grandma to my future kids. Im so jealous of my friends healthy parents. Have any of you had any counselling or therapy to help deal with the stress? I’ve been given a link by my GP to apply for counselling but I’m worried about how long the wait will be so want to look into paying for it myself.
Sending love to you all xx
I'm also 32 (33 next month) dealing with a mother (75) with dementia. My grandpa and the man who was like a dad to me died of dementia. For my grandpa, other people took care of him so I didn't realize how bad things were. With the man who was like my dad, I was in denial (and was able to be because his son in his 50's or 60's took care of everything in regards to his dementia). Now my mom has it, but no avoiding it...as I am an only child with no other family members to help, and her friendships are few and strained due to having a personality/mental disorder before the dementia. One of her neighbors has befriended my mother and helps to care for her (bless him!), but I'm not sure how long it will last. She's become nicer since the dementia, but still has those moments of clarity where she is rude and mean.
I agree with everyone that it feels unfair dealing with this at our stage of life. Most of our peers won't have to deal with this in their lifetimes, and if they do, it will be toward the end of their careers, kids out of the house, near or following retirement etc.
My mom acknowledges there is something wrong with her memory, but refuses to acknowledge it is dementia. She always feared getting it.
I live on the other side of the globe, but visited last month and installed a security camera in her living room/kitchen to monitor her. I've been trying to rule out other things that could mimic dementia symptoms, but the MRI is this week and aside from high cholesterol/glucose, she is apparently in good health.
She no longer can follow "complex" conversation (she loves the show Old Enough on Netflix..but thinks it is a story about ONE little girl...), her grammar has worsened, doesn't know the day, month, or year. I was there before, during, and after Christmas, but she continued to ask me (sometimes within minutes of the previous question) if Christmas was coming up, finished, etc. when we outside. Forgot her phone number, address, that she owned her home, and how to spell my name. Can't remember anything from the day prior...sometimes even an hour after doing something.
I'm trying to find a way to stop thinking/stressing about this whole ordeal. Honestly, I pray that she passes away sooner than later...
Her mental illness has caused me stress my entire life, and I genuinely wanting to detach myself from this situation. :|
Best of luck to all of you! I know it's awful...
I agree with everyone that it feels unfair dealing with this at our stage of life. Most of our peers won't have to deal with this in their lifetimes, and if they do, it will be toward the end of their careers, kids out of the house, near or following retirement etc.
My mom acknowledges there is something wrong with her memory, but refuses to acknowledge it is dementia. She always feared getting it.
I live on the other side of the globe, but visited last month and installed a security camera in her living room/kitchen to monitor her. I've been trying to rule out other things that could mimic dementia symptoms, but the MRI is this week and aside from high cholesterol/glucose, she is apparently in good health.She no longer can follow "complex" conversation (she loves the show Old Enough on Netflix..but thinks it is a story about ONE little girl...), her grammar has worsened, doesn't know the day, month, or year. I was there before, during, and after Christmas, but she continued to ask me (sometimes within minutes of the previous question) if Christmas was coming up, finished, etc. when we outside. Forgot her phone number, address, that she owned her home, and how to spell my name. Can't remember anything from the day prior...sometimes even an hour after doing something.
I'm trying to find a way to stop thinking/stressing about this whole ordeal. Honestly, I pray that she passes away sooner than later...
Her mental illness has caused me stress my entire life, and I genuinely wanting to detach myself from this situation. :|
Best of luck to all of you! I know it's awful...
First time posting on here, don't know if I'm doing it correctly.
I'm 34 and just under 18 months ago I was asked to move into my paternal grandmother's house after she had two strokes and developed vascular dementia. She has been diagnosed as mild but she can pull herself together remarkably well for doctors. Im certain she's in the middle stages going by her delusions, relentless sundowning and aggression. I rarely see anything that resembles my gran as she was but there are glimpses when she has visitors other than my dad and stepmum. She takes digs at me repeatedly and doesn't stop until she gets a reaction, and then I have to listen to her sad old lady voice tell me she can't understand why we can't get along.
She has stolen from me, broken my belongings and hides other belongings. I have a 12 year old daughter who can't stand to be near her and hides away in her bedroom. The sundowning and delusions are the primary problems, her memory isn't too terrible. I'm sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. Ive been told my 30s will be the happiest years of my life but I'm so miserable and resentful. I feel an immense amount of guilt for not enjoying this time with gran but I feel like I've been grieving her since the first stroke. This isn't my gran, I'm dealing with an illness that stole her away. I hate what it's done to her. Even when she's nice it's only ever because she wants something. I found out today what she really thinks of me. We have had cameras installed in the house. Not one thing she had said was true. She made me out to be a disgusting human who no one likes or can get along with. I shouldn't have raised the issue with her because now she's raging about 'town Hall' causing problems with us.
I feel very alone so it's comforting to know there are people at the same stage of life dealing with similar situations and feelings.
I'm 34 and just under 18 months ago I was asked to move into my paternal grandmother's house after she had two strokes and developed vascular dementia. She has been diagnosed as mild but she can pull herself together remarkably well for doctors. Im certain she's in the middle stages going by her delusions, relentless sundowning and aggression. I rarely see anything that resembles my gran as she was but there are glimpses when she has visitors other than my dad and stepmum. She takes digs at me repeatedly and doesn't stop until she gets a reaction, and then I have to listen to her sad old lady voice tell me she can't understand why we can't get along.
She has stolen from me, broken my belongings and hides other belongings. I have a 12 year old daughter who can't stand to be near her and hides away in her bedroom. The sundowning and delusions are the primary problems, her memory isn't too terrible. I'm sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. Ive been told my 30s will be the happiest years of my life but I'm so miserable and resentful. I feel an immense amount of guilt for not enjoying this time with gran but I feel like I've been grieving her since the first stroke. This isn't my gran, I'm dealing with an illness that stole her away. I hate what it's done to her. Even when she's nice it's only ever because she wants something. I found out today what she really thinks of me. We have had cameras installed in the house. Not one thing she had said was true. She made me out to be a disgusting human who no one likes or can get along with. I shouldn't have raised the issue with her because now she's raging about 'town Hall' causing problems with us.
I feel very alone so it's comforting to know there are people at the same stage of life dealing with similar situations and feelings.
