1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Another horrendous evenin

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by mobton, Sep 18, 2019.

  1. mobton

    mobton Registered User

    Oct 6, 2015
    8
    Another horrendous evening . Every now and again I see glimpses of him as he was and think we can have a conversation but we can’t and it degenerates into him swearing and cursing me . Apparently now he doesn’t like me at all !!

    I need to learn can’t have conversations .

    Now refusing to take his drugs and wandering round looking for his pencil echoing turns out to be his kindle

    Really starting to struggle to cope .

    What can I do ?
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,035
    Yorkshire
    so sorry you're having such a time @mobton
    if the meds aren't crucial, give it some time before you have another go with them ... or any chance of hiding them in something ....

    maybe you could do with some respite ... contact Adult Services to arrange a care needs assessment if you haven't had one

    there mighg be an Admiral Nurse in your area to chat with (and a helpline), they are there to support the carer and have knowledge and contacts
    https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/find-an-admiral-nurse/

    sorry I'm not being of much help

    keep posting, it helps to get things off your chest
     
  3. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    183
    I feel similar at present.He gets by on so little sleep, wakes me almost every night then is up about six, bumbling about, flushing loo if he remembers then after his cereal, pointless walking about on the landing outside my door.
    Last night was horrendous got up three times and had to be taken back to bed,then at 3 in the morning woken by noise followed by massive crash. Chaos, he had knocked over bedside chair then lifted bed dragged it away from wall and dumped it on top of chair, talking about hen in his room did this, Very lucky it wasn't broken, tightened the hex screws as best I could, was not going on hunt for hex keys at that time of night. He did fortunately then sleep till about eight, and I fell back, but half my morning lost.
     
  4. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    183
    I mean 'men' in his room, not 'hen'. He's been going on about this today too, these evil men in the house, and very unwilling to accept it was just a horrible night terror.
     
  5. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    98
    OMG! How do we do it, mine is finally asleep, snoring away like he hasn’t a care in the world, and here I am, wide awake feeling depressed and totally wrung out,! I keep trying to sleep but the thought of waking up tomorrow to face it all again is going round and round in my head. I know that I will get up and I will face it, and I will get through it, it’s just so relentless but chin up girls, maybe tomorrow (or should I say today)will be a good one! :rolleyes: xx
     
  6. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    98
    That actually made me chuckle, the thought of him chasing a hen around the room!:)(sorry I know I shouldn’t)
     
  7. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    191
    Female
    Yes, you should! It's having a chuckle that can blow away the anguish and tension (ggrrrrr).
    Well, ladies, we all seem to be having a sleepless night, it's comforting to know I'm not alone with my worries.
     
  8. Jilly606

    Jilly606 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2017
    27
    My mum is going through the exact same with my dad!! And the Knock on to that with us his kids and grandchildren trying to do all we can and having sleepless nights worrying too. Memory clinic were useless to start with but with perseverance they’ve agreed to meet my mum (independently to my dad cos he tells her not to tell anyone anything, he thinks he’s fine ) and take it from there, they’ve finally listened to me and not visit my dad at home as he refuses to let them in thinking Ive reported him and they’ve come to take him away, it’s more a case of getting him to go to clinic under the guise of it’s just the routine review, they can’t do anything unless they see and speak to him, I’ve told them he will say he’s fine, but they say they will take into account everything we tell them he’s doing and how he’s acting, fingers crossed both my parents will get the help and support and I’m going to show my mum this forum to see she is not alone at all and this is the way forward now with dad, bless you all and hope one day you can the peace and rest you deserve xx
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Sleep disturbance on top of the need to have your wits about you during the day. This is what your posts are telling me about your lives @Jilly606, @Dimpsy, @Fishgirl, @Roseleigh, @mobton.

    People pay lip service to understanding the strain carers live with day by day, night after night but no one really knows unless they`ve been there. If they did, carers would be better supported.
     
  10. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    98
    Hi Jilly606,
    Do show your mum this forum , I’ve only been on here a couple of weeks, but it’s helped me so much.Learned a lot of different ways of looking at things and dealing with them, and just knowing that there are lots of people feeling exactly the same way helps,I mean knew that anyway and yet somehow I felt so alone!xx
     
  11. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    191
    Female
    You're so right @Grannie G, I'm busy (caring) all day, so it's 'my time', once mum is in bed, except it isn't really as I get up and check on her a couple of times throughout the night and catch up with emails (& now I've discovered TP try and keep up to date with that; I'm surprised by how quickly I feel part of this group, maybe because I know we are all facing the same demon that is dementia) and then there are the always present worries that come to the forefront of my mind once the lights go off - are we doing the right thing by mum, should we be using paid carers, would she be upset if we asked her to stay in respite for a week or two, just so OH and I could have a break.

    I can't remember the last time I slept through the whole night, I start the day feeling tired, and do it all over again. The only way I can cope is to turn off my brain and just get on with things.
    I don't think about our future, OH and I had such plans for retirement ,but they all went out the window the day mum moved in and we became a threesome.
    We don't regret for one moment taking mum in, despite the fact we had little choice in the matter, I just feel so sad for us as a couple. My husband and I listen to our friends and family talking about holidays and outings and feel envious that we have lost the freedom to just go and do our own thing.

    I'm so sorry to blurt all this out, my fingers just wouldn't stop writing and what a self-pitying person I sound, but it's how I feel inside and I'm weary. Some days I feel as if I'm the same age as mum, the joy I used to feel about my job, children, grandchildren, hobbies has gone. Our lives now revolve around mum, who, if she was aware would hate it, she was the kindest, gentlest most unselfish person ever, and wouldn't want to feel as if she was a burden, which she isn't ........... but.
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    This is what Dementia Talking Point is all about @Dimpsy.

    It`s a safe place to let go . It`s not self pitying , it`s a safety valve to save you and everyone else from bottling things up inside until they burst.
     
  13. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,400
    East of England
    I have been down this path and I think you will know when the time comes and you have to have the help and then the respite. I am just embarking on the second spell of respite and it simply is not an easy experience but the advice on TP helped me get through it when the time came.
     
  14. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    191
    Female
    Thank you @Grannie G and @Grahamstown, I feel as if your arms are around my shoulders, cuddling me, and now look, you've made me cry with your kind words of comfort.

    I'm going downstairs to make a cup of tea - and check on mum!
    Thank you.
     
  15. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    183
    Dimpsy, perhaps as it's you mother not husband you should consider a care home? Would your mum want you to do this if she were compos mentis? Would you want your husband caring for his mother in your home? Men tolerate a lot of this in law care when DILs would not accept it if boot was on the other foot. There are some very good care homes available which may in some ways offer more by way of activities than we do at home. You can be very supportive and even bring your mum home occasionally for a family meal even if she is in a care home.
     
  16. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    183
    I actually had an even worse night with him last night, the 'evil' men back, and he was all over the place shouting, aggressive and banging on doors with his fists, being rude to me too, to the point where I was thinking of ringing the local psycho geriactric mini hospital. Just as well I didnt bother as I called his nurse this morning to ask if they can do a proper medication review and he told me there is NO 24hr emergency call out for Alzheimers, all you can do is call the police. :rolleyes:

    Anyway as dawn broke I finally managed to settle him, peppermint tea and some cheese bread, and after went back to bed, Think he must have nodded off in chair too as he was quiet for a few hours. LIke a vampire the monster seems to come out in the dark.

    He's been generally peaceful today but still unconvinced these evil 'businessmen' are anything less than real, very successful too apparently having a beautiful shop and workshop - he couldnt say what they made;). They were demanding money from him (for doing something to his bed which he thought they, not he, had moved) and he'd offered the magnificant sum of 80K - god forbid!!! Finally having failed to convince him it was a dream I decided instead to go along with this and said I'd call at the shop and explain we don't need them, and that it was all a mistake because OHs got dementia and had got confused. He was thrilled about this and bizarrely remembered and wanted details of how it had gone when got back home! So more lies! o_O At least he seems more relaxed and luckily I managed to find a couple of TV programs which he actually enjoyed this evening so far less pacing about. Hope there is no return tonight.
     
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    That`s the way to do it. I hope it works next time. :)
     
  18. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,536
    Female
    South coast
    @Roseleigh - have you mirrors in the bedroom that he might have seen himself in, not recognised it as himself and thought there were men in his bedroom?
     
  19. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    183
    No no mirrors. I have seen him on his feet talking to, or sometimes ranting away at these imaginary ppl.
     
  20. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    183
    It worked but at the same time I am reluctant to confirm these hallucinations, not all of which seem tto frighten him as much as these 'evil men'.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.