Alzheimers = Divorce?

[Aubie]

My 88-year-old husband was diagnosed with mild/moderate Alzheimers two weeks ago, after four years of deteriorating memory and cognitive abilities. In addition to not believing he has Alzheimers and refusing to take Donepezil, he has decided he no longer wants a wife and has asked for a divorce. Apparently he has talked to a lawyer and his daughter (his executor/POA, but living in the USA) is working on getting him in-home care if he needs it (he definitely will as his physical abilities are starting to decline also). He is happy for the change since I am the one he blames for "getting things wrong" or not letting him do what he wants.
He says I can stay in the house for 3 months while I look for a flat and either get more hours at work or get a new job, but he has cancelled my credit card. I have my own bank account so am not skinnt, and can easily take care of myself short term.
He feels that I should continue "working" for him, cleaning, keeping him company, to pay "rent" but I have no interest in being his maid/carer. I wouldn't mind taking care of my husband, but not someone who wants me out of his life.
I know he isn't thinking clearly. I know he might forget tomorrow or change his mind once the reality sets in, but this kind of emotional turmoil will do my head in. I am gobsmacked and feel betrayed by people I trusted. I don't know if I can emotionally handle staying even if he changed his mind. But I won't be making any decisions until the emotions die down over the next few days.
Thank you for listening. This forum has provided me with so much information over the past few months and I feel as if I know some of you even though we've never interacted. <<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Aubie this must be so upsetting for you even if it is probably just the dementia talking. And you are right to wait a few days until things have settled down a little.

You say that he has spoken to a lawyer, if you are still not happy after you have thought things over, it might be an idea for you to also consult with a lawyer to see what your legal position is if he does try to force you out of the house.

Keep posting here, whether it is just to rant or to ask for specific information.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Aubie, I think it might be a good idea to contact the Support Line and chat through your options with them.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

As you are married I imagine you would be entitled to half the house in any divorce settlement. (But check with a solicitor!)

He has no right to ask you to pay rent even if the house is in his name - you are his wife. Get yourself a good lawyer!

Yes, he has dementia and is lacking in cognition. But you must protect your own interests here.

 

[canary]

Hello @Aubie

I would hold fire for a couple of days and then discretely find out how the land lays

At this stage I wouldnt takes everything that your husband tells you as the absolute truth. I learned by hard experience that not everything that OH told me was true and I wonder whether your husband really has consulted a lawyer.

Mid-stage dementia is the time when delusions, fixations and confabulations start to become very apparent and it may be that this is no more than that and in a few days it will all be forgotten. Dont say anything to him about it - you dont want to remind him about it - and contact his daughter to find out what he has said and what (if anything) she is planning. Do you think he would be able to find a lawyer on his own?

I think it would be a good idea to separate your finances anyway, whatever happens. You dont want to end up subsidising any care that he will need in the future.

 

[Aubie]

Thank you to everyone for the advice and support. I truly does help my state of mind to know someone understands and cares. 🙂

Sarasa, I called Alzheimers Support this morning and they are working on getting answers to my questions. Thank you for that information.

Our finances are mainly separate and he has a lifetime mortgage in his name only, Canary, so I have no claims to the house once he is gone. When we married, we signed a pre-nup agreement that doesn't leave anything to me. It was important to me to show that I was not after what little money he has. I don't need it.

He talked to the solicitor that we have used in the past, but conflict of interest prevents him from representing my husband against me, so my husband is looking for another solicitor. I will contact his daughter when I have answers to some of my questions and am ready to make a decision.

I initially was holding out for him to calm down, but he is worse this morning and I am more determined not to let him take advantage, even if it means I have to leave. I promised to stay with him till the end, but not at the expense of my mental health. 😟

 

[canary]

I promised to stay with him till the end, but not at the expense of my mental health

I think this is sensible.

There are several of us who have lost the love we once had for our husbands/partners because of their behaviour. I am one of them, so I understand. I am still caring for him, though because of the love we once had, duty, and the understanding that this is dementia, not his true feelings. I would not blame you if you left, though.

At the beginning, when he was still quite capable he too was blaming me for everything (its almost par for the course with dementia), saying I was making up lies to the doctors, telling me I was taking him over, preventing him from doing things and treating him like a child. I got fed up and, as I was still working at that point, I stayed out all day, ate at the staff canteen, didnt do washing, shopping or anything and only came home to sleep, in order to show him what it would be like if I left. After 10 days he grudgingly admitted that he needed me.

 

[jay6]

I think this is sensible.

There are several of us who have lost the love we once had for our husbands/partners because of their behaviour. I am one of them, so I understand. I am still caring for him, though because of the love we once had, duty, and the understanding that this is dementia, not his true feelings. I would not blame you if you left, though.

At the beginning, when he was still quite capable he too was blaming me for everything (its almost par for the course with dementia), saying I was making up lies to the doctors, telling me I was taking him over, preventing him from doing things and treating him like a child. I got fed up and, as I was still working at that point, I stayed out all day, ate at the staff canteen, didnt do washing, shopping or anything and only came home to sleep, in order to show him what it would be like if I left. After 10 days he grudgingly admitted that he needed me.

I can totally relate, its hard to leave when you know it's dementia but we have to be sensible with our own well being.
Sine is still capable of washing, dressing etc. but what you say about making up lies, treating him like a child etc. is really hard to take along with the nastiness and abuse.
Mines in hospital and can see how different things are there. He doesn't like it one bit and is doing everything he is told by the nurses etc. just to get home. He's even pleasant to me but I'm well aware it will change as soon as he's back and I'm not looking forward to that one bit.

 

[Aubie]

I wanted to give an update on our situation now that the initial shock has died down.
My husband and his daughter saw a solicitor and presented me with a separation agreement that allows me to stay in the house until Feb 20 (3months), but we live separately. His daughter said she was arranging in-home care and a cleaner to help him, then she went back to the States. He has not had anyone in to help and no cleaner has been by, so the house is a wreck.
My work (normally 2 days a week) was able to give me full-time hours during the holidays so I was out of the house. When not working, I look for full time work and flats. I have been staying in my room downstairs to avoid the "when are you leaving" questions, followed by demands for me to clean the house or pay rent to justify my staying in the house.
I have not signed the agreement as I would like to see Citizens Advice first, but they are swamped and I will not be able to get advice for at least another week. I know not to leave since it jeopardises my claim to residence.
Apparently for the past year he has been telling family and friends horrible lies about the way I have treated him and how I abandon him when he needs help. I know it's Alzheimers brain, but it still hurts.
Yesterday he said that since I won't leave the house, he is calling the Home Office to tell them our marriage is irrevocably broken and I need to be deported. I am on a Formal Leave to Remain visa and do not have a permanent settlement visa yet.
I don't feel like I have the energy to fight any more. Until now I thought I would stay and care for him if he changed his mind, but at this point I just want shed of the heartache and pressure.
Thank you letting me vent. Most of the people I trusted have turned against me and I don't feel I have any support other than you kind people.

 

[canary]

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

I am on a Formal Leave to Remain visa and do not have a permanent settlement visa yet.

Gosh, that makes it even harder.
Do you think he is still able to carry his threats out with no assistance? My OH threatened me with things, but was not able to work out how to implement these threats. Would he actually be able to call the Home Office and navigate the maze of people to speak to? I doubt that they would respond immediately, even if he did.

Do what you are doing and sit tight until you can speak to Citizens Advice.
I would also recommend that before you leave, you contact Social Services so that they are aware of your husbands situation

 

[Violet Jane]

You need to get specialist immigration advice. I don't understand what your status is. I thought that once you have indefinite leave to remain you aren't dependent on a spouse sponsoring you and can work and claim benefits freely but I'm not advising you that this is the case. You definitely need to find out what your exact position is.

What is the daughter's attitude towards you? Would she support your husband in trying to get you deported?

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Aubie If you feel that you need advice regarding your immigration status you might find this link useful. This is an official UK government site.

Find an immigration adviser

Search for someone to help you with advice and applications to stay in the UK - free and paid-for services, adviser levels 1, 2, 3 and complaints.

www.gov.uk

You might also find it useful to contact the Alzheimer's Society helpline and again I have attached a link with their contact details.

Contact us

Find out how to get in touch with Alzheimer's Society by phone, email, post or online.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Scarlet Lady]

Hello, @Aubie. I’m so sorry for the situation you’re in. I understand you have a pre-nup and your immigration status may be complicated, but you are legally married and in this country that counts for something. You should not be treated like a servant or thrown out of your home by a person with dementia who may be irresponsibly aided and abetted by his daughter and a member of the legal profession.
I agree with Canary and Violet Jane. Stand your ground, consult Citizens Advice and please take up specialist legal advice if this is recommended. Explain to Social Services that your husband is a vulnerable adult who will have safeguarding issues if he is left alone at home. This at least means he will be on their radar and they will be aware of the full picture here.

 

[Aubie]

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

Gosh, that makes it even harder.
Do you think he is still able to carry his threats out with no assistance? My OH threatened me with things, but was not able to work out how to implement these threats. Would he actually be able to call the Home Office and navigate the maze of people to speak to? I doubt that they would respond immediately, even if he did.

Do what you are doing and sit tight until you can speak to Citizens Advice.
I would also recommend that before you leave, you contact Social Services so that they are aware of your husbands situation

At this point my husband has enough capacity to call the Home Office, and could probably give a garbled but sufficient explanation. But in the two days since, has forgotten he told me he would call. He will remember in a day or two when he talks to his daughter again and she would call for him if needed. But you are probably right about their response time. I don't so much about the Home Office; its the vindictive behaviour from people I trusted that hurts.

I had planned on calling Social Services for an assessment when he told announced the separation and that got swept under the rug. Thank you for reminding me, Canary.

 

[Aubie]

Thank you, Sea Swallow. The first link is definitely helpful and another chat with the Helpline is probably in order also.

 

[Aubie]

You need to get specialist immigration advice. I don't understand what your status is. I thought that once you have indefinite leave to remain you aren't dependent on a spouse sponsoring you and can work and claim benefits freely but I'm not advising you that this is the case. You definitely need to find out what your exact position is.

What is the daughter's attitude towards you? Would she support your husband in trying to get you deported?

Violet Jane,
Indefinite Leave to Remain is now called Settlement and is permanent and cannot be revoked without cause such as criminal conviction.
Leave to Remain or Formal LTR is for a set time period and must be renewed. The Home Office likes to change the names and rules every so often to confuse immigrants. Thank you for response and advice.

His daughter and I used to be close, but my husband has been telling her for the past year that we are unhappy and having trouble. In his mind I am causing the problems, not dementia. He doesn't believe he has Alzheimers. Which is of course one of the symptoms of having dementia.

 

[canary]

His daughter and I used to be close, but my husband has been telling her for the past year that we are unhappy and having trouble. In his mind I am causing the problems, not dementia. He doesn't believe he has Alzheimers. Which is of course one of the symptoms of having dementia.

Yes indeed. I am so sorry that his daughter is taking all his complaints at face value. All of us on here who have been the main carer for someone with dementia have had accusations and complaints made against them. It is, as you realise, part of dementia, but so few people outside realise this
(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[try again]

I remember when my mum started accusing me of stuff, shouting in front of district nurses who had come to change dressing on her leg (after being discharged from the ulcer clinic I used to take he to for many weeks).

I was so hurt and confused, it might have been then I found this forum and it was a blessing .
I think the az soc should make that part of the disease more known instead of the fluffy adverts and celebrities. I think it would help carers and maybe help families of carers.

 

[sapphire turner]

Yes it’s hard isn’t it, all the living well with dementia guff. I suppose the truth might be too alarming for people! Also it’s not knowing how things will go, the uncertainty of it all. If I knew how long things will be like this, or worse it might be easier to cope.