• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Aggressive behaviour

Safi

Registered User
Apr 2, 2020
26
0
My husband wakes in the middle of the night and doesn’t know who I am, often calling me his brother’s name. He shouts at me to get up & can become aggressive, threatening to hit me whilst he tries to get dressed. It takes time to calm him, often taking him out for a cigarette works. He’s on Memantine & Mirtazapine, which usual settles him when he goes to bed but recently he has woken more in an agitated state. Not sure these drugs help? Or whether this is part of his condition getting worse. It’s exhausting. Anyone else experience this?
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
Safi, I am having the same problem with my pwd, twice this week he has come into my bedroom in the early hours of the morning, switched on all the lights and aggressively accused me of drugging him or stealing his glasses and threatened to harm me. I eventually calmed him down but his behaviour is quite frightening. Although he doesn’t know, I assume he is having bad dreams, he is on memantine and we are booked to have a video consultation with his memory specialist next week to consider adding something to calm his aggression. He remembers nothing in the morning but I am finding his constant low level aggression very wearing.
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
574
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
My OH was on Mirtazapine and Donepezil (evenings) but has had Memantine (mornings) added to the brew since his Alz Dem encouraged the display of aggressive and unpredictable behaviour.
When he wakes in the night - usually every two to two and a half hours for a loo visit - he frequently acts in an aggressive way but I think that's confusion and disorientation.
As far as the daytime generally goes - it seems the Memantine has had somewhat of a calming effect but I'm still wary.
I was actually bitten last evening! That's a first - and I hope a last. However, as the day had been dreadful nasty awful hours of grump and spitty bad language (from him, not me) I'm wondering if it was a bit of a kickback from the Covid booster jab on Tuesday.
All drugs affect people differently. I can't even take a Paracetamol without wanting to instantly fall into a comatose heap on the sofa. But give me Tramadol and I'm as happy as a happy thing. Horses for courses.
Speak with your GP or MHW if you are concerned about changes. I'm sure they can advise you.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
215
0
Hi Safi, I feel for you, and I struggle to understand a system that allows carers to suffer Domestic Abuse with so little support. My OH is not aggressive at night, but has physically assaulted me twice, the second time I had to call the police. He is on Memantine which has improved things, now he just gets verbally aggressive and abusive for no apparent reason other than he resents any form of control. I don't know if there is any solution, the constant aggression is exhausting. I am sorry I can't be more reassuring, I have jsus found it helpful to know it's not just me!!
 

Belgrave28

Registered User
Apr 16, 2022
12
0
My husband has FLD, and doesnt no who I am, but generally is calm enough. But last night he got very aggressive and tried to throw me out of the house in my nightwear. I tried to calm him down but couldn’t, my daughter had to come & stay the night. Has any one any suggestions how to calm him down? Or to deal with this. Thanks
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,416
0
Nottinghamshire
That must have been frightening @Belgrave28 . I’m glad your daughter could come to stay.

Have you got a room you can retreat to and lock when your husband gets aggressive? And keep your mobile phone charged and with you just in case you need to call for help. The police are very good at dealing with this sort of situation if it starts to get out of hand.

You might find the compassionate communication thread useful for ideas of how to keep things calm. I found it helped with my dad, although not always easy to follow

 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
Happened to me a lot. OH would think I was an intruder and try to throw me out of the house. Accompanied by blows and hair pulls etc.
1. Definitely call police if you feel at risk. They can't do much but do tend to defuse the escalation. At least someone else in the house! Callout then reported to social services which can lead to more help too. Though I usually got a call from domestic abuse and had to point out it wasn't like that.. . Mental health issue.
2 Do call GP or memory clinic or dementia nurse as different medications can help, possibly even taking at a different time. Trial and error really. Memantine helped my OH but risperidone ( stronger as anti psychotic) did stop aggression but affected mobility and continence adversely
3. Again GP can doublecheck no other physical problem causing it. Anger often comes from frustration or pain.... when PWD can't express what is wrong. You might ward off before bed by adding a simple painkiller for instance if GP suspects pain wakes.
3. Do keep reminding yourself it's the Alzheimer's speaking and hitting out - not your poor loved one. My OH genuinely thought in his reality that he was dealing with a stranger and protecting us. Easy to take insults personally, but would your husband have ever behaved like that before illness? No. And if you can remember that, you are more likely to cope and not shout back ,(which I have often done, only to make things worse).
Do hope you can work through this. You are certainly not alone in experiencing this, nor alone with this forum here to support us all.
 

Safi

Registered User
Apr 2, 2020
26
0
Thank you for all your replies and such good advice. Managed to get a phone call with the GP yesterday which was helpful. Talked through a few options. I’m going to stop the Memantine as it really does nothing for him. He is in pain from arthritis so GP suggested more regular paracetamol. Agree it’s out of character for him to behave in this way, but at least I’ve let the GP know. I’m talking to the dementia nurse next week too. It’s good to read these messages and to realise that others are going through the same. Thank you
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
674
0
I don’t think anyone should have to put up with dementia behaviour that is threatening, and I don’t think that there is much help out there for those who are suffering. The help we seem to get is all over the place and dependant on where you are. Dementia is taking 2 people at a time.
 

Piper12

Registered User
Nov 20, 2021
25
0
My OH gets aggressive in the end I contacted the police to report his behaviour they were really good offered me a panic alarm and door jammer as the only room with a lock was the bathroom. The police will treat it as domestic abuse but are very sensitive as know it’s a mental health issue.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
215
0
I don’t think anyone should have to put up with dementia behaviour that is threatening, and I don’t think that there is much help out there for those who are suffering. The help we seem to get is all over the place and dependant on where you are. Dementia is taking 2 people at a time.
I quite agree. This has destroyed my life on so many levels. It is no consolation that it is the disease that causes the behaviour when OH is shouting at me, sneering and laughing when I try and talk to him, or ramming a door into my back when I try to get away. It has taken a huge toll on my mental health and well being, I have always been quite an upbeat person but this has flawed me. SS were hopeless and there really is no formal support. The only consolation is being able to talk this out on TP and know that I am not alone.
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
574
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
OK. I admit it. Alz Dem's behaviour is getting me down. If he didn't have Alz Dem then he would have been treated as an abuser and probably been taken away. But it not HIM. It's the Alz Dem. I just gotta keep telling myself that.
His overall physical strength isn't up to much but, my goodness, them bony old knuckles and toes can do some markings.
I must learn how to move away more quickly!
It's like living with a firecracker at times.
 

taliahad

Registered User
Nov 22, 2021
66
0
Memantine was a horrible drug for my mother. It made her condition a lot worse, to the extent that my brother who was caring for her at the time was considering shooting himself, he's a licensed gun holder. Thankfully he didn't do that but memantine made mother aggressive, anxious and she didn't sleep. Taking her off that drug made a massive difference.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
674
0
This is the interesting question, how much abuse is too much to cope with, before it destroys you. I couldn’t cope, and I posted on the thread of @Dutchman that whilst I no longer have the anger, I now have incredible sadness, and he called it survivors guilt. Either way, it’s not easy, and not the life we intended.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,751
0
Southampton
memantine made my husband so much calmer, happier and more content. he has vascular dementia so maybe it works differently with different dementias. there are no other tablets for it but to treat the symptoms. we have flashpoints with him interfering when im cooking or even "his" jobs that i have to do now. everyone is different and different meds can work differently on different people. i think im stronger now as well to cope with him
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
574
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
This is the interesting question, how much abuse is too much to cope with, before it destroys you. I couldn’t cope, and I posted on the thread of @Dutchman that whilst I no longer have the anger, I now have incredible sadness, and he called it survivors guilt. Either way, it’s not easy, and not the life we intended.
And I sometimes wonder how much abuse I'm doling out when stuff gets ... whatever.
I've never resorted to physical abuse. I have sometimes held a wrist and fist away from me in a rather un-gentle way because I've been there before and am not prepared to be the punchbag again. Sometimes the fight or flight sense takes over.
BUT! Verbal ... OMG ... the verbal. I sometimes wish I could sew my lips together when the 'Attack is the best form of Defence' situation crops up.
I just want to crawl under the bed covers and never get out again.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
It wears you down bit by bit. I started trying to be understanding but regularly being called awful names, being hit ( if only small toddler type punching out), hair pulls and wrist grabs, and childish insults... you smell/nobody likes you/ you are ugly,/ you have no friends. Even being spat at. @AbbyGee so don't best yourself up too if you sometimes shout back. Only a saint wouldn't react at times! OH just gone into respite care and I can feel the tension still coiled in my body. I suspect long-term one-on-one care can lead to a sort of PTSD.
Btw memantine did help but only up to 10mg level. Over that was detrimental. Different for everyone and OH has Alzheimer's mixed with vascular.
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
I find it quite astonishing that so many of us are experiencing levels of abuse that other people would scarcely believe. We will always find reasons and excuses but carry on trying not to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and being so worn down all the time. He had his video consultation with the Memory specialist this morning, I was there but my input was limited as I listened to my PWD being upbeat throughout and putting forward a wonderful view of our life! Luckily I had already given a more accurate account by email but it still astounded me how well he came across! He said he would consider going into respite care as it sounded so good (if only!)
He has been prescribed an antidepressant to hopefully lesson the constant aggression, does anyone know if this is helpful and how long will it take to make a difference? I was told the next step would an antipsychotic drug which could have difficult side effects. Advice would be appreciated please.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,751
0
Southampton
I find it quite astonishing that so many of us are experiencing levels of abuse that other people would scarcely believe. We will always find reasons and excuses but carry on trying not to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and being so worn down all the time. He had his video consultation with the Memory specialist this morning, I was there but my input was limited as I listened to my PWD being upbeat throughout and putting forward a wonderful view of our life! Luckily I had already given a more accurate account by email but it still astounded me how well he came across! He said he would consider going into respite care as it sounded so good (if only!)
He has been prescribed an antidepressant to hopefully lesson the constant aggression, does anyone know if this is helpful and how long will it take to make a difference? I was told the next step would an antipsychotic drug which could have difficult side effects. Advice would be appreciated please.
they gave my husband an anti-depressant, sertraline, at first as they said he had low mood which was causing the aggression as he was frustrated. you usually allow 2-3 weeks to work itself in. it helped the mood but not the aggression so they added memantine to it as i wasnt prepared to put up with the aggression so they increased it at 5mg at a time until he was taking 20mg. this made the difference and he has continued on it for almost a year now. it took 4 weeks for any difference to be seen but its mostly stopped and its easier to deal with if it does happen.
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
Thank you for that, my PWD has been on Memantine, 20 mgs for almost 12 months, after coming off Donezepil which I felt was causing the aggression. He was calmer for a while but his verbal aggression came back. He has been prescribed Sertraline so I shall wait and see how he reacts to it.