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Aggressive behaviour

Safi

Registered User
Apr 2, 2020
25
0
Safi, I am having the same problem with my pwd, twice this week he has come into my bedroom in the early hours of the morning, switched on all the lights and aggressively accused me of drugging him or stealing his glasses and threatened to harm me. I eventually calmed him down but his behaviour is quite frightening. Although he doesn’t know, I assume he is having bad dreams, he is on memantine and we are booked to have a video consultation with his memory specialist next week to consider adding something to calm his aggression. He remembers nothing in the morning but I am finding his constant low level aggression very wearing.
Wondered who is a memory specialist? I don’t have anyone like that to talk to, only a dementia nurse & occasional phone call with GP surgery, usually speaking to different GPs!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,829
0
South coast
Wondered who is a memory specialist? I don’t have anyone like that to talk to, only a dementia nurse & occasional phone call with GP surgery
I think they mean the doctor in the memory clinic. Some areas will continue with 6m or 1yr appointments and would also see the person with dementia if there were problems (like aggression) that needed medication. In my area, though, the memory clinic just discharged the person with dementia after diagnosis and if there were problems needing medication the GP would refer to the Community Psychiatric Team.
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
I hadn’t realised that we were fortunate in having access to the memory clinic Dr in our area of Wiltshire. Obviously the contact has been intermittent in the past two years but I have always understood that any problems with behaviour and medications could be addressed by the Dr or the Mental Health team and then shared with our GP. I can’t say that this works as well as it sounds but in the uncertain world of dementia, it does feel that someone in the medical world is listening. However, it now appears that Sertraline may not be suitable for my OH because of a previous health problem so I’m waiting for advice from his consultant.
The good news is we had a pleasant long weekend with social events in our small village and, because we were close to home, he was quite happy to join in which helped me to relax and enjoy the company of our neighbours who mostly ‘ know the score’ . These long weekends are not always easy to handle so I hope some of you managed to find some fun, ( there’s a word I don’t often use!).
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
I hadn’t realised that we were fortunate in having access to the memory clinic Dr in our area of Wiltshire. Obviously the contact has been intermittent in the past two years but I have always understood that any problems with behaviour and medications could be addressed by the Dr or the Mental Health team and then shared with our GP. I can’t say that this works as well as it sounds but in the uncertain world of dementia, it does feel that someone in the medical world is listening. However, it now appears that Sertraline may not be suitable for my OH because of a previous health problem so I’m waiting for advice from his consultant.
The good news is we had a pleasant long weekend with social events in our small village and, because we were close to home, he was quite happy to join in which helped me to relax and enjoy the company of our neighbours who mostly ‘ know the score’ . These long weekends are not always easy to handle so I hope some of you managed to find some fun, ( there’s a word I don’t often use!).
Hi Florence fennel, was just reading your post when to my surprise you mentioned Wiltshire! Know it's a large county but first time I've seen anybody posting from my neck of the woods...
I'm fairly new to this amazing online community and my OH was diagnosed in October. ...
Glad your OH is receiving such great support from memory service as it seems very hit and miss depending on where you are.....
Glad you had a good weekend and OH too cos as we all know life is so so much easier on the occasions that our OH are compliant and I promise that I mean that in a totally respectful way cos I love my OH but he's a real handful and getting worse sadly but am hoping to address behavior with gp on Tuesday as people in our town are not exactly dementia friendly sadly.....not sure if 👌 to say town name but we're in Chippenham....
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
Hi Dawnee and welcome to this wonderfully supportive site. We’re in a village near Melksham...not far from you! if you are finding your OH’s behaviour hard to manage, I would suggest ringing the Admiral Nurse helpline. A few weeks back I had a very helpful conversation with a lovely lady who arranged to ring me back at a time when my OH was out with his paid Carer. I was grateful for her consideration as I’ve often had awkward phone conversations with Drs and other professionals who don’t seem to understand that I can’t and won’t talk about my OH in his hearing as he would become very upset and angry. We live in a small bungalow so very little privacy. Hope you get some useful help from your GP next week.
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Hi Dawnee and welcome to this wonderfully supportive site. We’re in a village near Melksham...not far from you! if you are finding your OH’s behaviour hard to manage, I would suggest ringing the Admiral Nurse helpline. A few weeks back I had a very helpful conversation with a lovely lady who arranged to ring me back at a time when my OH was out with his paid Carer. I was grateful for her consideration as I’ve often had awkward phone conversations with Drs and other professionals who don’t seem to understand that I can’t and won’t talk about my OH in his hearing as he would become very upset and angry. We live in a small bungalow so very little privacy. Hope you get some useful help from your GP next week.
Good evening Florencefennel......this site is truly amazing I agree , oh my goodness Melksham,so you really are quite close by ....Have phoned Admiral nurse helpline today actually but they were really busy so had to leave a message so hopefully I'll hear from them soon....I can completely understand awkward phone conversations with Dr's etc as my OH reacts exactly the same when I'm on the phone....Trying to have a conversation with anyone while being honest but actually talking in code is exhausting and as you say we suffer after so not useful really....we live in a house but still no privacy as my OH follows me around the house constantly ( I think I've seen it described as trailing ) and is unable to leave the house alone so we're literally together 24/7....Dr's appointment is tomorrow but will be completely honest with G.P even though obviously OH will be there but to heck with the consequences as we need help now and after today's behavior am not leaving the surgery without extra medication or some practical help as nothing in place currently. ...
Wish me luck for tomorrow , fingers crossed eh ?
Hope you have had a good day.....
 

Safi

Registered User
Apr 2, 2020
25
0
Hope your medical appointment went ok. Understand what you mean about being unable to speak on the phone as husband follows you round the house. I have the same experience. My husband is certainly getting worse & we finally got a dementia review with a nurse at the surgery. Decided to write down a list of his behaviour with a few questions about the way forward. Sent it to the surgery the day before so that it would be read before our visit. It was so helpful as I did not need to discuss difficult topics in front of him. Following our meeting, GP actually phoned me the next day ( without me asking!) & we are looking again at his medication. Really feel writing it all down helped to make everything clear. This may help you in the future too.
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Hope your medical appointment went ok. Understand what you mean about being unable to speak on the phone as husband follows you round the house. I have the same experience. My husband is certainly getting worse & we finally got a dementia review with a nurse at the surgery. Decided to write down a list of his behaviour with a few questions about the way forward. Sent it to the surgery the day before so that it would be read before our visit. It was so helpful as I did not need to discuss difficult topics in front of him. Following our meeting, GP actually phoned me the next day ( without me asking!) & we are looking again at his medication. Really feel writing it all down helped to make everything clear. This may help you in the future too.
Hi@Safi.....medical appointment was hopeless to be honest, g.p.just kept repeating he was not going to give me med for dementia as not his field and will have to speak to early onset Consultant !
What I was actually asking him for was med for depression and anxiety for my husband as we lurch from one extreme to the other neither is easy to deal with so he finally agreed to give my husband mertazapine .....on my goodness what a mistake that was as aggression levels,verbal abuse,spitting in my face were off the charts so have stopped them immediately....
Am so sorry that you too experience the following around the house,can't speak on the phone either and if I go out into garden he locks me out !,I too have been in touch with dementia nurse again and updated her on behavior but....(isn't their always a but! ) she refuses to do a review until results of CT Scan are in which is no help to us now....... CT SCAN was done on Friday 24th and ordered by husbands consultant so hopefully will hear this week ...fingers crossed eh
Great minds think alike Safi.... as I too have been keeping a diary of OH behaviour and most days it's makes scary reading to be honenest and even keeping the diary is proving to be difficult as i have to write it on the quier and keep it hidden.....OH also just wants to "go home " and no longer recognises home as home if that makes sense? So either he
walks the house and goes missing and have to report it to police or we road trip and that was working great but even that's all gone to pot now so either 10 + phone calls to report him missing or 10+ road trips that are no longer effective......
Must admit after 3 years I'm at my wits end and my OH is only 64 but am seriously doubting how much longer this situation can continue and yes I feel terrible for even writing those words down.....
If you don't mind me asking Safi what sort of age is your husband , just wondered as our husbands traits sound similar.....
Apologies for the long reply. ....
Look after yourself
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
884
0
@Dawnee, you don't need to apologise. I'm not surprised that you're at your wits end as you're not getting any support or help from anyone. Your husband's behaviour is far beyond what you should be expected to cope with.
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
@Dawnee, you don't need to apologise. I'm not surprised that you're at your wits end as you're not getting any support or help from anyone. Your husband's behaviour is far beyond what you should be expected to cope with.
Hi @ Violet Jane......bless you , I wish the so called medical professionals involved with my husband shared the same view......if you don't mind me telling you only today he went missing again and I reported him missing and he was brought home by 2 lady officers, he was loving it and acting like butter wouldn't melt..they were in our home 5 minutes, said my husband was "no longer agitated orbeing verbally aggressive so everything was fine now" they told my husband to stay home for rest of the day and left......as they were driving off my husband was using the most foul language to me "about me Dawn" his wife as he doesn't recognise that I am one and the same.....
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
884
0
Oh dear, @Dawnee. How awful for you. Aren't the police making reports to SS when your husband goes missing?

You might not be comfortable doing this but I would be inclined to record your husband's verbal outbursts on your phone so that you have evidence to show the GP, SS etc.
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Oh dear, @Dawnee. How awful for you. Aren't the police making reports to SS when your husband goes missing?

You might not be comfortable doing this but I would be inclined to record your husband's verbal outbursts on your phone so that you have evidence to show the GP, SS etc.
Oh yes they definitely making reports to ss and then I receive a phone call to criticise my care of my husband and in a nutshell saying if I can keep him safe then they'll step in and find someone else who wil because it's neglect.....
Initially I was horrified andgot upset on the phone and feel guilty and then second guess yourself..... I'm 55 years old ,doing my absolute best for my husband and made to feel like the worst person ever.......


Actually my daughter did exactly what you just suggested as she was so shocked at this level of
verbal outburst and i treally scared her .....
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
884
0
@Dawnee, that's absolutely outrageous. SS are talking rubbish. They have no grounds for saying that you are neglecting your husband. They are the ones guilty of neglect in that they are not doing their job. I think that you should ring the Alzheimer's Support Line and get advice about your situation. I also think that you should put in a complaint about SS.
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
I guess it's no wonder that they have such a terrible reputation and always I n the news for all the wrong reasons.....
Will definitely ring AlzheiMer's tomorrow to get advice ....
I promise you its all true.....and am very intimidated by ss because they make it clear that they have power to do things.....
Thank you for replying @violet I really appreciate your kind words and advice....
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,829
0
South coast
Oh yes they definitely making reports to ss and then I receive a phone call to criticise my care of my husband and in a nutshell saying if I can keep him safe then they'll step in and find someone else who wil because it's neglect.....
Who are they proposing will look after him?
If they are talking about a care home this might be the best solution.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
210
0
I guess it's no wonder that they have such a terrible reputation and always I n the news for all the wrong reasons.....
Will definitely ring AlzheiMer's tomorrow to get advice ....
I promise you its all true.....and am very intimidated by ss because they make it clear that they have power to do things.....
Thank you for replying @violet I really appreciate your kind words and advice....
I wish I could say I am surprised by SS but I am not. My OH is verbally aggressive most days and has physically assaulted me twice, the second time the police were contacted. SS got involved -they said they were only there to support him, gave him a load of paperwork about local activities and left. They don't seem to understand dementia at all - he can't understand the leaflets, let alone contact those concerned, make plans or travel there. He struggles to follow conversations, he can't follow TV programmes, manage medication, he has no short term memory, he gets up in the middle of the night thinking it's morning and yet SS say he has capacity because on one occasion they had a conversation and he was able to repeat it back to them.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,842
0
Why do ss treat carers like the enemy? They reduced me to feeling like a beggar. I am so sorry.
 

Libbybookworm

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
94
0
@JaxG "SS got involved -they said they were only there to support him, gave him a load of paperwork about local activities and left." So who is there to support the care giver? Are we supposed to suck up the violence, verbal abuse and subjucation whilst still providing full time care? What if we went on strike too? Neighbours and social services would have to deal with the outcome.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
210
0
I have been given two options by SS and my doctor - suck it up or leave!! I guess it is simply a reflection of the fact that there is no support. I have never cried so much, I have never felt so depressed, and the worst thing is it will only get worse and none of us know how long we will have to live like this.